yuuki_101 Posted October 19, 2016 Posted October 19, 2016 Hello ! Well I think my problem isn't so common here ... I'm loving a european guy while i'm from another country which forbbid me to be with him the thing is we really fit we much despite cultural differences and that's pretty sad for us to seperate because of such things , I want to accept him as he is but the main problem is my parents , they are kinda traditional despite they also like his homecountry but they just wouldn't accept to let their dautgher be or marry a foreigner .. I'm having a very tough time thinking about it over and over , he just told me today that in the end i will have to choose between him and them , I simply don't want to believe it I really love him and I think I will not even be so attached to someone after him
BetrayedH Posted October 19, 2016 Posted October 19, 2016 I'm an American and never had such issues, so take my advice for what it's worth. My experience is obviously much different from yours. But my opinion is that parents shouldn't control what their children do once they become adults, and they shouldn't try. They have 18 years to exercise their influence and, after that, it's your choice about how you will live your life. They certainly shouldn't forbid you to be with another person that's good to you. And I have no respect for someone that would discriminate based on a background that they can't control (such as their national or ethnic origin). Those beliefs are antiquated and, frankly, they should be left in the past. I'd be honest with your family but respectfully decline to abide by their standards of a good man. Make your own decisions.
Author yuuki_101 Posted October 20, 2016 Author Posted October 20, 2016 Thank you for your advise I agree with you , that's also what my boyfriend think When parents turn to decidors , you should accept it or you will be rejected And as parents in religion are so holy after god it also touch my belief , that's where my confusion come from It's a very tough situation , i don't feel fully independant despite i call for the independance of women and their rights ..
elaine567 Posted October 20, 2016 Posted October 20, 2016 So basically if you were to marry this man, then you will have to say good bye to your family and your community, as they will reject you, is that right?
Author yuuki_101 Posted October 20, 2016 Author Posted October 20, 2016 Exactly They believe they are responsible for me and for whom i will marry ( i can choose one but i need their approuval ) 1
sandylee1 Posted October 20, 2016 Posted October 20, 2016 If they love you and want you to be happy they will accept your choice. If he's a good guy and treats you right and isn't going to reject your culture, then you should persist. I had a similar issue when I was younger. My BF was from another culture. I was really scared about it and I told my mum first. She said my dad wouldn't like it. I was just 19 and then I broke up with him, but I was very sad about it. I missed him terribly, so I got back with him and decided they'd have to accept it or risk loosing me as their daughter. In the end I broke up with him for a different reason, but I decided to stand my ground. Do you have any siblings? Would they support you?
elaine567 Posted October 20, 2016 Posted October 20, 2016 I think there is a bit of a difference between "Your dad wouldn't like it", AND your family and community will forbid it, and will shun you completely if you go ahead. The former is potentially workable, the latter really isn't, no matter how much we from liberal Western countries may see it as ridiculous. It is NOT really about loving ones children, love is not seen as relevant, it is all about culture and usually religion. 2
Gaeta Posted October 20, 2016 Posted October 20, 2016 If they love you and want you to be happy they will accept your choice. This is a naive and dangerous advice. There are cultures where family will hurt even kill their disobeying children. In Toronto a few years ago a Muslim father killed his 3 daughters for not obeying them. The mother and their eldest son all participated in drowning the 3 teenage girls. If you are from a Western country you cannot apply our philosophy of life to Easterners.
Gaeta Posted October 20, 2016 Posted October 20, 2016 Yuuki let him go. You will find someone else and have a much better life. If you stay with this boyfriend you will have to cut all contacts with your family and run away. You'll live a life with no family and later in live you'll realize it was not worth it. You can change a boyfriend but you can't change family. Yes you will fall in love again and even harder. 1
sandylee1 Posted October 20, 2016 Posted October 20, 2016 I am fully aware of honour killings and I didn't sense that the OP was from that kind of extreme background from her post. It can't across as disapproval and none acceptance, as opposed to we don't want to know you anymore. My own origin isn't the western culture and my parents had expectations of me marrying from my country, but they wouldnt have forced me or disowned me if I married from another culture. Much depends on the rest of your family though, which is why I asked if you have siblings. I'm very close with my siblings and if my parents tried to force things or decided I'm not part of the family anymore, all my siblings would have cut contact with them in support of me. We would all do the same for each other. One thing I would say ... is that anyone I wanted to marry that wasn't from the same country and region as me, would have had to be so much better than a man from my country in the eyes of my parents. He'd have to have an awful lot going for him to be accepted. My friend faced a similar problem. None of her 7 siblings or her mother (dad is deceased) approved of her fiancé. They all refused to attend the wedding, but after her mother met him she realised he was a good person. She tried to tell the rest of them, but they still didn't go. Despite having 4 brothers, her mother walked her down the aisle as non of her siblings attended. She was firm in her decision. She would have married him even if they all boycotted the wedding. You know how extreme your family are and only you can decide how to proceed.
Author yuuki_101 Posted October 20, 2016 Author Posted October 20, 2016 My family isn't that extremely conservative to a point to kill me But as I'm arab and he is non arab , it's not so common in our societies to see this kind of couples when the girl is arab and her bf is not so they will obviously find it strange and so refusing , I'm accepting him as an atheist because I don't like forcing anyone into a religion it's his own thing and belief not mine , but sadly my parents are different , I'm making a different choice than other girls in my society so .. I have two younger brothers , I'm not sure they have much influence but you might be right Yeah that's the point , if i leave him and of course keep my family i'm afraid to regret it one day , we seriously really fit despite we have different language and background ...
Gaeta Posted October 20, 2016 Posted October 20, 2016 How long have you been dating? If you are to renounce to your family for this man you have to make sure he is worth it!! It's not because he feels good for a couple of months and it will turned out a great marriage. There is a world of difference between dating and marriage.
aileD Posted October 20, 2016 Posted October 20, 2016 I think there is a bit of a difference between "Your dad wouldn't like it", AND your family and community will forbid it, and will shun you completely if you go ahead. The former is potentially workable, the latter really isn't, no matter how much we from liberal Western countries may see it as ridiculous. It is NOT really about loving ones children, love is not seen as relevant, it is all about culture and usually religion. Good thoughts OP- Are you able to give more details or elaborate more on exactly what the differences are and why they are unacceptable? My H had an affair with a young Jehovah Witness. She has a great family, very bonded and full of love. But when they found out their daughter had involved but herself in an affair, they could not associate with her. They kicked her out of the house, told the church and the church kicked her out of the congregation (only after she refused to stop the affair) and she was shunned by her family and all of her JW friends too. He family maintained that they loved her but could not condone her actions that were against jehovah and it hurt them a lot to have to do that to her. Although its harsh I understand because of the morality aspect of it. If there is nothing like that and it's really only your parents not liking him because of his culture...that's a tough one. Are your parents overly judgmental? Are the prejudice? Or do they have legitimate concerns? Are you entering into a culture that doesn't respect woman as they may be respected in your culture? I don't know your guy obviously. But when you said he told you that would have to choose between you and your parents, I could only think: "no man who loves and respects you would make you make that decision. They would want you to have a good relationship with your parents even if it meant he could t be in your life" Food for thought
Author yuuki_101 Posted October 20, 2016 Author Posted October 20, 2016 We are together since 8months yeah absolutely right , but knowing our opinions and our thinking help us to know , not exactly as living together but still
Author yuuki_101 Posted October 20, 2016 Author Posted October 20, 2016 @AileD well they aren't very religious , it's just the hypocrisy of the society , so as I said they just follow the majority the majority of girls here doesn't really date foreigners , and it's specialy unacceptable because foreigners have a different religion so for them having a good relationship is to be with a person with similar religion and culture so that's the only way we fit that's totaly wrong and ignorant i can't agree on that , i really agree on many things with my bf and they are judgemental , they will judge him just by his country , i can explain to them that he accept my religion and so on but i'm not sure they will understand
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