suckered Posted October 19, 2016 Posted October 19, 2016 I have been dating exclusively a separated man for 2 months. His wife and him have been separated for close to 3 years, living apart and have separate finances. The divorce is not final yet and they have a young child together. His ex wife is mentally unstable and has gone crazy since she found out that we are together. She is the one that left him and had an affair with his close friend while they were married (which he forgave). The situation now is that she calls and messages both of us constantly. She creates emerginacies (like she calls him in the middle of the night saying she is having a heart attack and he has to take her to emergency room). She has enrolled their child in a large number of activities, making it impossible for us to spend much time together. If he doesn't drive the child everywhere, she accuses him of being a bad parent. Her messages to me alternate between being nice "welcome to the family" to completely insane. I have first hand evidence that she is unhinged so it's not just his words. If he is away from the phone for even a few hours, she knows he is with me and calls us both and then gets a child to call with an emergency. It really ruins all our dates. She also begs him to come back to her and is promising to try everything, including marriage counselling which according to him they have tried and failed 3 times already. She never wanted him back until he started seeing me. He is a nice, good hearted guy but I think he is not enforcing strong enough boundaries against her relentless abuse. He tells me that he will never go back to her, that he wants to be with me and feels guilty for causing me all the drama. Deep down, I am not 100% convinced that he doesn't want her back - I almost feel like she wouldn't be so persistent if he didn't lead her on at least a little. I am really at loss of what to do here. I am willing to hang in there if this is temprorary but I am not willing to be stuck in the middle of them playing games with each other (if that is what's happening)
mikeylo Posted October 19, 2016 Posted October 19, 2016 The situation will not improve unless he puts his foot down. Since he is a willing participant, you can't do anything except , find a man who can stand on his two feet. 1
Gloria25 Posted October 19, 2016 Posted October 19, 2016 (edited) Unless he can prove to a court of law that the mother is mentally ill/unstable, she's not going away and can do a lot of things to make this separation/divorce heck for the child, him, and you...for years. I mean, legally she's tied to him and their child for 18 years and like it or not, kids - no matter how a parent may be - still yearn for a connection with their parents, even past 18 years old. Three years w/o finalization of the divorce sounds odd. Why can't they finalize it? Me, that's why I don't date guys with younger kids. And, if I would, I'd just be the 'hamburgers and movies on the weekend girl'...cuz as you see, it's not the Brady Bunch in real life. Besides, I would WANT him to be spending more time with his children than me. See, people don't get it. They think kids are cool with divorce. Unless there's some hardcore abuse going on, kids aren't cool with their nest being destroyed. For me, a guy prioritizing his kids is important - even over me - and that usually involves keeping the dragon (an ex, mother of his kids) cool. You don't wanna do anything to incur her wrath. So, as the 'hamburgers and movies on the weekend girl', ex/baby's momma won't know I exist and no drama. Cuz women are petty like that. Edited October 19, 2016 by Gloria25
sandylee1 Posted October 19, 2016 Posted October 19, 2016 Why does she have your telephone number? Can't you block her? As for the emergencies ... he needs to be firmer. If she's having a heart attack ... then she should call 911. There's nothing he can do in that situation .... Why so long to divorce her as well? I suspect the fact that he forgave an affair with his friend indicates he must have really loved her. That's not an easy thing to forgive. Unless he deals with it, she'll continue and he may well end up going back to her for an easy life. As much as you say she's unhinged, she must be well enough to have custody of the children ... or at least she must be fine with medication. That's if she has actually been diagnosed, rather than just your average lunatic. There's a good chance he enjoys her chasing him, even if he doesn't want her back. It's an ego boost having the attention of 2 women. Especially considering she cheated on him, now he has the upper hand. If it were me, I'd tell him he needs to be firmer and speak to her. In the meanwhile, I'd request a week or two break while he figures out what to do. I suspect that with your relationship just being 2 months, he'll find it easier to end things with you, as he has lots of history with her.
elaine567 Posted October 19, 2016 Posted October 19, 2016 She is obviously not happy with sharing him, she may not have wanted him in her life in a romantic way, but she doesn't want to share him with you and what you potentially offer (ie a new family). When high emotions get involved people act crazy and she is like a lioness defending her cub, she wants to run you out of town so that her child gets his full attention. She is in survival mode, and will do her best to sabotage your relationship at every turn, as she knows once he has a second family, her child will suffer, whether that is intentionally done or not. I doubt she will just give up, unless she finds a better "father" for her child, but even then, she may still want "your man" to put her and her child first... Deep down, I am not 100% convinced that he doesn't want her back - I almost feel like she wouldn't be so persistent if he didn't lead her on at least a little. I guess you may be right. That is why it is never a good idea to get seriously involved with recently divorced people or people who are merely separated, as their heads are all over the place and they may not know what it is they really want. 1
Springsummer Posted October 19, 2016 Posted October 19, 2016 She is obviously not happy with sharing him, she may not have wanted him in her life in a romantic way, but she doesn't want to share him with you and what you potentially offer (ie a new family). When high emotions get involved people act crazy and she is like a lioness defending her cub, she wants to run you out of town so that her child gets his full attention. She is in survival mode, and will do her best to sabotage your relationship at every turn, as she knows once he has a second family, her child will suffer, whether that is intentionally done or not. I doubt she will just give up, unless she finds a better "father" for her child, but even then, she may still want "your man" to put her and her child first... I guess you may be right. That is why it is never a good idea to get seriously involved with recently divorced people or people who are merely separated, as their heads are all over the place and they may not know what it is they really want. wow...That's very selfish.
aileD Posted October 19, 2016 Posted October 19, 2016 I would be questioning if he's really been separated three years. 1
charliegirl816 Posted October 22, 2016 Posted October 22, 2016 Dating a married man (since the divorce isn't final) as you have found out will continue to be an issue. It seems like you have your own doubts for good reason and maybe it would be better to break it off until the divorce is final. At least that way you will have a fair chance of having a healthier relationship.
spiderowl Posted October 22, 2016 Posted October 22, 2016 I would be wary of assuming she is deranged and that he is innocent in all this. It is possible of course but it is also possible she thinks she is in a relationship with him and that he is transgressing. Who knows what he is telling her! It sounds like she is suffering from panic attacks and anxiety. This can make life very difficult for all concerned. Whether her anxiety comes from within due to some chemical imbalance or whether it is due to circumstances, we don't know. Children do need attention. His child will need to ring and speaker to his/her father. They will also need support. It does sound though that there is an element of setting things up so that he must maintain constant involvement as if they were still together. This is more likely to happen with a young child, as parents need a lot of support. What would I do in your shoes? I would want to be absolutely sure that he was telling me the truth about his relationship with her. Does he live entirely separately? Also, he would have forgiven her an affair to be with her. This is quite a big thing. He loved her a lot. The situation is likely to remain shaky for you. His ex wife will probably try to be nice and then have doubts and anger surface as she feels alone and in need of support. If you are lucky, she will meet someone else soon and then probably won't want to see much of her ex husband.
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