d409 Posted October 19, 2016 Posted October 19, 2016 I have been seeing my gf for a couple months. We had a LTR a couple years ago and had a child. We are making an attempt to mend the R and be a stable family for our kid. Right after we started an exclusive R she slept with 3 dudes, on separate occasions. She didn't contact them again and I let it go. Or at least I tried. I cannot help but look at her differently. I have asked her for more details on her cheating, in hopes that knowing what happened will clear the image of her in my mind. She does not want to go into detail and thinks it will be detrimental to the R. Despite her not wanting to fully open up she is trying to make up for it and is disgusted with herself for doing it. She still says she only did it to feel more confident and see if she was bad at sex. She said it sucked and she regrets doing it. She doesn't talk to any guys now and I have full access to her things. She's been more accommodating to my needs. Of course no reconciliation can go smoothly. Our sex was piss-poor in our R the first time around and while we were not exclusive. AFTER she slept with those clowns she started getting more confident and while the sex isn't good it's better. On one hand, that's good. On the other hand, I'm hurt that she slept with them and let them in more to learn more about herself and others. The sex still isn't mind blowing but it's better. Regardless of the less-than-stellar sex, we very recently found out that she's pregnant again. I made the mistake of saying a couple things in the heat of the moment. One being "whose kid is it", the other "did you get pregnant on purpose" and the third being about abortion. I'm not going to say that I'm still not thinking those things, but I shouldn't have said them in that manner. She's upset and just crying all the time and I don't want to make it worse. How do I go about mending this issue and dealing with it? No way in hell should another kid be brought into this.
Just a Guy Posted October 20, 2016 Posted October 20, 2016 Hi d409, it seems your GF has poor boundaries and a distorted sense of right and wrong. If, as you say, you were in a committed relationship and she knew that then what she did was downright stupid and disrespectful of you. How long were you two broken up before trying to resume your relationship? Also, in this day and age she could have used contraception with these three guys if she just had to do it with them. Adding an innocent third into the mix just because she and these guys wanted to get their rocks off displays a callous and irresponsible attitude. She does not look like relationship material to me and you may be better off not having her in your life. Maybe you were insensitive in making those remarks to her but then by her actions she has opened up herself to them and worse. It seems mind boggling that she would sleep with one, let alone three other guys while professing to be true to you. I guess since you are in the driver's seat you alone will have to take a call. 3
Gaeta Posted October 20, 2016 Posted October 20, 2016 She managed to get pregnant not even 2 months after you got back together. Your worry about who's baby this is are justified. She cheated with 3 MEN in the past 2 months she deserved the fire you spit at her. I have NO clue why you still want to be with this woman. What a poor character she is. Let her cry. Get a paternity test done. 6
fenix Posted October 20, 2016 Posted October 20, 2016 when I read the title of your post... there I was thinking this will be another typical guy who blurted something insensitive to the poor pregnant GF.... then I read you post... Guy do a good paternity test to both your kids and if they are not yours run!!! 1
SammySammy Posted October 20, 2016 Posted October 20, 2016 His concern about her infidelity and the parentage of this child are separate issues. Acknowledging words can be hurtful is a start. Words are things. When we utter them, they go out to fulfill their intent effectively and efficiently. We cannot take them back. We can offer healing words and supportive words, but they don't change the fact that the previous words cut deep and the scars will remain even after the wound heals. One of the things I had to learn as a young man was to be careful about what I say. Words can destroy your relationship. Words can strengthen your relationship. In my opinion, the best thing you can do is have a sincere heart-to-heart with her. Apologizing (once) for what you said, expressing how you really feel, and be careful about your choice of words from this point forward. Let this be a lesson learned whether this relationship survives or not. Words can tear down or build up. You choose what you do with each one. 4
Popsicle Posted October 20, 2016 Posted October 20, 2016 If you couldn't or can't get past what she did, you should have never stayed with her. If you want her to have an abortion, then be upfront and tell her that that's what you want.
fenix Posted October 20, 2016 Posted October 20, 2016 His concern about her infidelity and the parentage of this child are separate issues. Fact is that his words were a reaction of what has been building up inside him because the fact she cheated on him.... Telling this guy to apologize because what he said is one of the funniest things I have read on the internet in the latest time.... :lmao::lmao: Well... I guess he should ask her politely to inform him next time she is going to screw another guy :rolleyes:
SammySammy Posted October 20, 2016 Posted October 20, 2016 Fact is that his words were a reaction of what has been building up inside him because the fact she cheated on him.... Telling this guy to apologize because what he said is one of the funniest things I have read on the internet in the latest time.... :lmao::lmao: Well... I guess he should ask her politely to inform him next time she is going to screw another guy :rolleyes: What if the child is his? What if he wants to have a positive relationship with the mother of his child despite what she has done? You know, he did choose to stay with her and he chose to have unprotected sex with her. His words weren't a "reaction". He could have ... reacted ... differently if he chose to. We are responsible for what we say and do. Though I'm not surprised that concept amuses you. 2
fenix Posted October 20, 2016 Posted October 20, 2016 (edited) What if the child is his? What if he wants to have a positive relationship with the mother of his child despite what she has done? You know, he did choose to stay with her and he chose to have unprotected sex with her. His words weren't a "reaction". He could have ... reacted ... differently if he chose to. We are responsible for what we say and do. Though I'm not surprised that concept amuses you. Expecting this guy to rug sweep the cheating of his GF in such a short time is astonishing... I don't think talking down to another person is ever positive but sometimes the when and how matters in the equation. (at least for normal people in the world.) The words were a reaction, staying with someone that cheated on you doesn't mean acceptance of what happened or forgetting what happened. He is trying to go pass through this (I guess he has his reasons for doing that) but expecting him never to say anything about that is just funny! Infidelity is a difficult pill to swallow, but you need to have either some brain or some empathy to understand that... By the way... non of what he is mentioning in his post looks crazy to ask... Who is the father ------ She cheated... why is that not a valid question. Did you get pregnant on purpose? ---- Since she may have some reasons to fear him leaving her... that is another good question. Abortion as an option ----- why can't he ask if that is an option??? Edited October 20, 2016 by fenix
SammySammy Posted October 20, 2016 Posted October 20, 2016 Reading comprehension is not your strong suit. I never said he couldn't talk about anything or that he can't ask her questions. The point was HOW he goes about it is important. Lashing out or "reacting" is destructive, as he now knows. They can talk about anything if he goes about it the right way. As I said, words can tear down or build up. If he wants to control the impact of his words, then that starts with his choice of words. What he says and how he says it. 2
elaine567 Posted October 20, 2016 Posted October 20, 2016 I am not sure that "cheating" is the correct term for this, he dated is ex for 4 months and during that time he slept with lots of women whilst knowing she wanted more, so he is not entirely squeaky clean here. He even moaned to one of his FWBs, telling her how bad his gf was at sex within her earshot... It was a messy situation and became messier when she confessed to sleeping with other men too, when they were reconciling. Given HE is putting that aside, I do not think it is up to LS to launch an attack on his gf, who now finds herself in a dreadful situation, being pregnant. I guess she is crying her eyes out as she wants to keep this baby, and the OP seems to only be offering her an abortion. 5
Toodaloo Posted October 20, 2016 Posted October 20, 2016 My only comment I can make at this point is poor kids... 8
Author d409 Posted October 20, 2016 Author Posted October 20, 2016 long were you two broken up before trying to resume your relationship? Also, in this day and age she could have used contraception with these three guys if she just had to do it with them. The first time around we were together for 4 years, we had a son 2 years in. Broke up for 2 years and dated non-exclusively for 4-5 months before going exclusive again. She says they used condoms. If she is telling the truth and she only slept with them once it would be my baby because of the timing. That's a huge if though. She slept with not 1 but 3 guys immediately after we agreed on being exclusive. She still stands by that she only did it to gain more sexual confidence, get better in bed and figure out if she was bad or not. She cheated with 3 MEN in the past 2 months she deserved the fire you spit at her. I have NO clue why you still want to be with this woman. What Get a paternity test done. I want to try and put my family back together one more time. Our reasons for breaking up in the first place were about sex mostly, and new parent struggles (our son has a condition that makes him wake every hour). I will be requesting a paternity test. If it's not mine, I'm done at that point. It's an immediate cease in the relationship. I'm not raising some other dudes kid, she doesn't even know who the guys are or how to contact them (that's what she says at least). Words are things. When we utter them, they go out to fulfill their intent effectively and efficiently. We cannot take them back. Let this be a lesson learned whether this relationship survives or not. Words can tear down or build up. You choose what you do with each one. In the heat of the moment I said some stupid, stupid things. The context was justified but the way I said them was not. As soon as I said it I regretted it. She holds onto everything. Everything. If you ask her what I said or did to hurt her 5 years ago, she can tell you in perfect detail. What I stupidly said is going to be with her forever. If I could take it back I would. I haven't really apologized to her yet, not a real, sincere apology. She doesn't want to talk to me. I have been thinking about doing something to make it up to her but I know nothing will. Now no matter how I try and talk to her she just shuts down and says there is no point talking because I think it's not mine and to abort. If you couldn't or can't get past what she did, you should have never stayed with her. If you want her to have an abortion, then be upfront and tell her that that's what you want. I am trying to get past it. I wasn't Mr. Perfect and she gave me many chances. I want to extend the same to her. That being said, if she cheated more than she says it's over. I feel like an a-hole suggesting abortion but it is what it is. It's too early in the relationship to bring another baby into the mix. We can't work on putting our family back together while adding another life and more stress. The first one literally ruined our relationship with the stress of being new parents and medical issues. If the baby isn't mine I suppose it's her choice what to do, I won't stick around. It would still be in her best interest to abort, she doesn't know who the guys are. What if the child is his? What if he wants to have a positive relationship with the mother of his child despite what she has done? You know, he did choose to stay with her and he chose to have unprotected sex with her. I will say that if this baby does come to be and is mine, I would take care of it the same as I do my son. I would try and work it out with her just as I am now. My doubts go back and forth between it not being mine and she got pregnant by me on purpose. What "better" way to try and secure a guy than getting pregnant, or so people think. What are the chances that just a mere 2 months in, she gets pregnant. For the record, she said she had an IUD and now has to have it removed which may cause a miscarriage. I know for sure that she is pregnant, that has been confirmed. I don't however believe that it was an accident. I don't know how to handle that, I'm torn. On one hand, still my kid. On the other hand, it makes her crazy. I am not sure that "cheating" is the correct term for this, he dated is ex for 4 months and during that time he slept with lots of women whilst knowing she wanted more, so he is not entirely squeaky clean here. He even moaned to one of his FWBs, telling her how bad his gf was at sex within her earshot... It was a messy situation and became messier when she confessed to sleeping with other men too, when they were reconciling. Yes, but we were not exclusive and she knew I could be seeing other women. That is not the same as being in an exclusive relationship and cheating. What I did wasn't cheating. Unfair to her? Sure, maybe. That was the status of our relationship at that time. My only comment I can make at this point is poor kids... My son is taken care of very well and very happy. There is nothing to feel sorry for. Despite everything, he comes first and is never involved. Doesn't matter how much we have fought it is never around him and he is never thrown in the middle. Just because you have relationship problems does not mean the kids suffer or you are a bad parent. If that were the case, all kids would be suffering.
Mr. Lucky Posted October 21, 2016 Posted October 21, 2016 If the baby isn't mine I suppose it's her choice what to do, I won't stick around. Messy situation and messier backstory. But one thing you need to realize - even if the child is yours, it's still her choice what to do. Your options ended when pregnancy started... Mr. Lucky
mrs rubble Posted October 21, 2016 Posted October 21, 2016 (edited) edited- decided to keep my opinion to myself. Edited October 21, 2016 by mrs rubble 2
Gaeta Posted October 21, 2016 Posted October 21, 2016 If the baby isn't mine I suppose it's her choice what to do, I won't stick around. You seem to forget you already have a child with this woman. This first child was not worth sticking around back then but now with a second one you'd stick around? What makes this second child more worthy of your presence than your first child with her! 3
Got it Posted October 21, 2016 Posted October 21, 2016 The reality is you will have to co parent with her, regardless, for the next decade or so. So whether you are together or not, for the best interest of the child(ren), you two will/should get along in that regard. Why another newborn is not ideal, I get it as I have a 10 month old that wakes every hour just because she is a sh$tty sleeper, and how stressful that is on the relationship. But the horse has left the barn and she is pregnant. Why can't you work on the relationship and have this second child? Why is it an all or nothing equation? Maybe with the support of couples counseling you two can learn how to better handle your communication and conflict resolution issues, as well as the sexual ones, and see how things improve. This is not the same child and while two are harder, this one may be a perfect sleeper (I have heard about these unicorn babies). lol I guess, put yourself in the future when you are telling your son about your relationship with his mom and your decisions/actions and what story do you want to tell him? And then do that. 1
Author d409 Posted October 21, 2016 Author Posted October 21, 2016 Our breaking up had nothing to do with my son "not being worth it". We were relatively young (21/26), new parents which is hard enough. Factor in ongoing medical problems that caused a lot of stress and exhaustion. Neither of us had a full nights sleep, he (and he still does) woke every single hour and needed assistance. Take two sleep deprived (under 4 hours of uninterrupted sleep, 6 in total) parents, throw them together and see how long the relationship lasts. Sleep deprivation banks, it continuously gets worse. You don't have enough sleep for a couple weeks, you act like you haven't slept at all in days. We were zombies, taking care of our son was hard enough, nurturing the relationship was impossible. We tried, for two long years. I didn't just run out the door when the going got tough. People think night waking is tough when they do it for a few months, maybe a year or two. Try 4 years, and counting. I said, if the child is NOT mine I would not stick around. Why would I help her raise another man's child? I would stand my MY child, just as I have done, but I would not care for another man's child. After having my son and dealing with his medical problems, I have never wanted another. I love my son, he's a great kid and to the outside world appears as a normal little boy. I would do anything for him. I do not think bringing another baby into the mix is a good idea. We already wake hourly, doing that with 2? It's not doable while keeping our sanity.
Quiet Storm Posted October 21, 2016 Posted October 21, 2016 My son is taken care of very well and very happy. There is nothing to feel sorry for. Despite everything, he comes first and is never involved. Doesn't matter how much we have fought it is never around him and he is never thrown in the middle. Just because you have relationship problems does not mean the kids suffer or you are a bad parent. If that were the case, all kids would be suffering. Your son's mom finally got the chance to put her family back together. Yet her main concern was if she was good in bed. Even if its true that her actions were due to her insecurity/ low self-esteem, she's selfish. Her own feelings took priority over the well being of her family. People like this don't usually make good wives or mothers. It's hard for them to see beyond their own feelings. I agree with the "poor kids" comment because kids need stability and security to thrive. It's best for these kids if you two can work it out, but it's going to be hard to trust her. You have to both be committed because if you are going to keep going back and forth, it will hurt the kids. The most important thing that you can do is be the stable rock in your kids lives. Their mother has issues, so you have to be the one they can depend on, regardless of what she does. 1
elaine567 Posted October 21, 2016 Posted October 21, 2016 Your son's mom finally got the chance to put her family back together. Yet her main concern was if she was good in bed. I think that may have been prompted by the OP letting her know she sucks in bed and his comments to his FWB as to his gfs poor performance in bed. Comments which she heard. She sucks in bed Keeps apologizing that she sucks and knows she's bad. 3
Timshel Posted October 21, 2016 Posted October 21, 2016 Your son's mom finally got the chance to put her family back together. Yet her main concern was if she was good in bed. Even if its true that her actions were due to her insecurity/ low self-esteem, she's selfish. Her own feelings took priority over the well being of her family. People like this don't usually make good wives or mothers. It's hard for them to see beyond their own feelings. I agree with the "poor kids" comment because kids need stability and security to thrive. It's best for these kids if you two can work it out, but it's going to be hard to trust her. You have to both be committed because if you are going to keep going back and forth, it will hurt the kids. The most important thing that you can do is be the stable rock in your kids lives. Their mother has issues, so you have to be the one they can depend on, regardless of what she does. They both have issues. It's questionable why either would tolerate the other. Both have slept with other people in the duration of being 'parents.' They both have trust and self esteem issues surrounding incompatibility and subsequent lack of fidelity. Both of them rubbing other sexual partners in each other's faces. d409, if you question the paternity of this child that means that you have had unprotected sex..or sex with a person of whom you do not trust. You already have a son to whom your loyalty should be beyond reproach, and regardless your relationship with this woman. There are two points of anchor and you should check your own. 1
Timshel Posted October 21, 2016 Posted October 21, 2016 Our breaking up had nothing to do with my son "not being worth it". We were relatively young (21/26), new parents which is hard enough. Factor in ongoing medical problems that caused a lot of stress and exhaustion. Neither of us had a full nights sleep, he (and he still does) woke every single hour and needed assistance. Take two sleep deprived (under 4 hours of uninterrupted sleep, 6 in total) parents, throw them together and see how long the relationship lasts. Sleep deprivation banks, it continuously gets worse. You don't have enough sleep for a couple weeks, you act like you haven't slept at all in days. We were zombies, taking care of our son was hard enough, nurturing the relationship was impossible. We tried, for two long years. I didn't just run out the door when the going got tough. People think night waking is tough when they do it for a few months, maybe a year or two. Try 4 years, and counting. I said, if the child is NOT mine I would not stick around. Why would I help her raise another man's child? I would stand my MY child, just as I have done, but I would not care for another man's child. After having my son and dealing with his medical problems, I have never wanted another. I love my son, he's a great kid and to the outside world appears as a normal little boy. I would do anything for him. I do not think bringing another baby into the mix is a good idea. We already wake hourly, doing that with 2? It's not doable while keeping our sanity. All of this...^^ honesty, difficulty most parents can relate with. Why are you two dealing with multiple partners and pondering how good the mother of your child is in bed? Didn't that fall out when you decided to have a child with her? Or is it, have child, find responsibility later. What do you want dude? Great sex, no strings...wrap it up and stop torturing this woman with what you want in bed. If you want to be good parents, yep, have sex but forget the porn stuff and focus on your very young child(ren.) It is mind boggling that you would criticize the mother of your medically unstable baby in front of her to some chick that you are boinking on the side. It sounds very difficult for both of you....as a parent, I have the greatest empathy for your little one. The two of you seemed to have learned very little with another on the way. 3
Author d409 Posted October 22, 2016 Author Posted October 22, 2016 No matter how much we have fought and had our issues, she is a good mother. Our son is happy, he is doing great in school, he is ahead of the other kids, he is polite. She has been good with him since the day he was born. He always comes first. She has given up so much for him and is happy to do it. She is attentive to him, every waking moment is spent dedicated to him not glued to her phone like I see with many parents. She did tons and tons of research before he came. She has very particular ways of raising him. She teaches him, comes up with new ideas for him, organizes his space, she is always very gentle with him, she rarely yells at him. I never would have thought about cloth diapers, breastfeeding until 4, Montessori, etc. if it were not for her. Our issues are kept separate from him. He doesn't know we are trying to get back together. He doesn't see us fight. If we need to talk, we do so when he is not in the home. He is very secure, though a momma's boy. I can say a lot of things about her. But being a bad mother isn't one of them. Despite everything we have gone through as a couple and parents, she has always been a good mother. I cannot say the same about myself, it took a long time to find my groove. I want to have a good relationship with her AND a good sex life so I am not tempted to cheat. Sex is important. She just is not a very sexy/sexual person and it makes it hard. Yes we had sex without a condom. Before we were exclusive I always used condoms. SHE wanted me to go without but I wouldn't. She said she had an IUD and it would be fine. Well either the IUD failed or she lied about it. Lying seems more likely. If she was trying to make me try harder or stay, getting knocked up could be the key. When I said she was bad in bed I didn't f'ing know she was there! I didn't want her to know I told other people how I was feeling. If that kid is mine I want to keep trying to make it work. I don't want to be wasting time to try and make it work just to find out she cheated more than she said. Guess if the kid comes out black we'll know for sure. I want to be able to trust her. Right now she is still upset at me and doesn't want me to come around. She hates that I claimed she got pregnant on purpose and suggested abortion. She doesn't understand how I can say that now that we have a son. She doesn't want to talk to me. She said she has to have her IUD out and might miscarry and there is no point talking to me until then in case I get what I want.
Got it Posted October 22, 2016 Posted October 22, 2016 Wait, if your SO breastfeed until 4, unless she was pumping how on earth were you up all those times at night? And if you two have been separated your lack of sleep is not as bad, correct? How often do you have your son? And you list all the things she is doing to raise him but I see no we/us in it. Are you taking an active role in parenting/raising your son? I guess I am a bit boggled how with so many bad nights like that, and still going on, that you two could even think about sex, sex with other people, and put it into action. I am sitting here at a year and sleep still ranks higher than sex and while sex is rating higher for my husband its not a lot more. What has your SO done or said to give you the impression she lied about the IUD? I know you have assumed that it was an attempt to keep you but is there any reality to that assumption? Have you tried counseling? I am sorry, I see a lot about what you want, you feel, you need, but I don't see you/both putting your child(ren) first a whole lot. They take a lot of focus, especially special needs, and should be the main focus. Get therapy and discuss with a professional how best to parent your children and interact with each other. And I hope you are right on her lying. My father accused my mom of getting pregnant the last time and trying to trap him. She didn't and it caused a rife between them as well as a very dysfunctional dynamic with my sister for her whole life. There are just some thoughts/words you can't take back that have a lifetime ripple effect.
Author d409 Posted October 24, 2016 Author Posted October 24, 2016 Wait, if your SO breastfeed until 4, unless she was pumping how on earth were you up all those times at night? And if you two have been separated your lack of sleep is not as bad, correct? How often do you have your son? And you list all the things she is doing to raise him but I see no we/us in it. Are you taking an active role in parenting/raising your son? My gf has our son more, that is what the courts decided. I have him every other weekend and two afternoons a week. So technically I have 4-6 nights with him a night. That being said, there are many nights that I spend with her on the couch to help. She nursed until 4, but she stopped night feedings much earlier. She is the active parent, she is the one who comes up with everything, decides everything, plans everything, etc. That's the dynamic of the relationship. She is better at it than I am and I go with the flow. I spend as much time with my son as I can, I go to all his sports games, I help him with music, etc. She is more involved but I am involved as well. A lot of it comes down to custody/time with him. Sex is important to me, I have a much higher sex drive than she does. Being exhausted doesn't take that urge and need away from me, just as it doesn't stop me from having to eat and ****. I will say, she often does not want to have sex. She always says she is tired, has no drive anymore etc. When she went and screwed 3 (at least) guys was during a transition week were I had our son for a week (summer holiday). I think she lied about the IUD because really, what is the chance of getting pregnant with an IUD, while supposedly making sure it was still there properly, and it just happens to occur when our relationship is rocky? The odds are she lied. I know she had the IUD at one point, I could feel it if I tried but she very easily could have had it removed without me knowing. She says she has to have the IUD out, of course it's a out-patient surgical procedure so I cannot witness it. We have done a little bit of counseling. She doesn't ever want to open up/be vulnerable so it goes no where.
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