"I need to take a step back"

[bettermistakes]

I've been dating a wonderful man for the last three months and very admittedly we have been taking things fast - seeing each other 4-5 times a week, our kids spending time together, and he actually bought a new vehicle just over a week ago big enough for us and all our kids. So, yesterday and today he shares with me that he is emotionally overwhelmed, emotionally not ready to be in a relationship, and wants to take a step back while he sorts himself out.

 

Okay fine, I guess. From what I've read/heard that can be a normal thing to happen in situations like this. (I'm still skeptical and wary, though) He says he has lots of feelings for me and thinks I'm fantastic and wants to still see me once a week or so while he does this sorting out thing. I decided I'm willing to go along with it since he's been a sincere, open person.

 

my question is, how long do I wait before I should expect some kind of development/decision on his end? A few weeks? I know I'm free to move on at any time, and I'm not interested in be strung along, but seems like it's worth it to let this play out (over a reasonable amount of time ).

Edited October 19, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs ~6

[hippychick3]

This is what happens when you move too quickly...way too much too soon! It will inevitably crash and burn every time.

 

He's realized he's way in over his head with a woman he barely knows. No matter how intense those 3 months were, only over time will a relationship truly grow and progress. You don't really know each other after only 3 months.

 

He doesn't want to be in a relationship right now, so you are essentially a single woman. The only way he would remotely come back is to give him so much space that you no longer see him at all anymore (even if he asks). In time, he may possibly miss you enough. But, I wouldn't count on it. Date others and move waaaay more slowly with the next guy.

[Hyperfocal]

I am not sure there is enough there about either of you to advise. Tell me about this vehicle. Was it bought to accomodate the blended family, or coincidental to his needs at the time?

 

Where is his emotional stability, 1 to 5, has he been all over the place, or predictable?

 

Same question to to, emotional stability?

 

Are either of you recently out of a marriage or rel?

 

Are the kids maybe a complainant to the relationship? his or yours?

 

Push pull interactions, generally, are not a good thing. But I am not sure about your case.

[Gaeta]

It's text book now that when your relationship starts like fireworks it will die like fireworks.

 

Let me guess, he was recently out of a relationship when you met?

 

I suggest you do not meet once a week. He needs to figure himself out on his own. What he is doing is demoting you from girlfriend to once-a-week FWB. I would not go along with that. If you value yourself then you won't accept this once a week offer. He wants you all , or nothing at all, set him free to figure himself out. Tell him you won't be waiting around and date other men. When he knows what he wants and comes back IF THEN you are single you'll consider.

[smackie9]

When things are too good, he will pull away. Even tho it feels right, he is over whelmed, stressed out because he is questioning if you are the right woman or not.

 

I agree to stop seeing him completely so there is no distractions. I wouldn't give it any more that say 3 weeks. But it will up to you in how you gauge things, and see what direction to go in.

[Ami1uwant]

Need to know a little more here....

 

1. His relationship history prior to you two dating?? If it was too short between the last relationship or if it's been a long time since last serious relationship could get him like this snd unsure.

 

2. Was there any fights you guys had? What you thought was nothing, he saw it as a major issue.

 

3. Be honest , have you played the game of trying to change him??

 

4. What is going on with work for him?? For some, late october till xmas can be super busy with higher workloads abd thus not much time to date?

 

5. What have you said to him or brought up on the relationship? Did you bring up hypothetial marriage talk?

[bettermistakes]

Thanks everyone for your responses!

To answer the questions some of you asked:

His emotional stability has been totally predictable. He has been 100% consistent, kind, thoughtful, and considerate. I’ve felt very safe and secure with him.

 

My emotional stability - same. There has been zero “drama” or problems. We’ve just been delighted to be together (as far as I know). No fighting, arguing, disagreements of any kind. No neediness that I personally have been able to detect.

 

I certainly felt the fireworks initially but I was really feeling settled and content. I guess who knows what was going on inside of him, though.

 

There has been zero game playing, or trying to change anyone. I was totally smitten with him just the way he is.

 

Work for him will get busy after Thanksgiving, and it’s been a little stressful lately, but that seems to have stabilized and calmed down. There are a few other possible stressors - he recently found out his ex emptied a bank account she set up for his daughter when they were together, so he’s justifiably upset about that. Also, he found out a week ago that he has to have cancerous cells on his face removed (this is the second time he’ll have to have this done). At the time when he told me, he asked if I’d go with him when he has it done and I told him of course I would.

 

He split from his ex around two years ago and his divorce was finalized sometime last year. When they split he had been ready to move on for a while (he left her) and started dating someone pretty quickly. That relationship ended at the beginning of this year. He’s dated a few people casually/briefly since then.

I split up with my ex four years ago, have been dating for three years, and haven’t been in anything serious for quite some time.

 

One thing he said he really, really liked about me was that I had my three boys (he has two) and had always envisioned a big family. He got along really well with my kids, and the kids themselves got along pretty well. One of mine and one of his actually get along really, really well.

 

My first thought when he suggested the once a week thing was to say no way, but when he said he still had a lot of feelings for me I relented and said I’d be willing to do lunch on Fridays if/when we’re both free. I wouldn’t be investing much time/energy and there wouldn’t be an opportunity for any funny business. But maybe that’s still not a good idea…

 

He’s been the one that has set the pace we’ve been on, and I’ve been totally complicit. I really trusted him since there was just no reason not to (other than the speed itself). He was just so utterly congruent - words, actions, and the patterns that were beginning to emerge. I know enough that I shouldn’t be so baffled by these 180s but, geez.

 

He had brought up marriage talk - quite a bit. Never said the word, but definitely liked to talk hypothetically about the logistics of being married like where we would live since we’re currently in different counties. He’s also the one who declared we were boyfriend/girlfriend, about 6 weeks in. weekend before last, we were away together for a weekend and I told him I loved him, and he said he was falling in love with me, too. Perhaps that was the trigger for him, though.

 

I have no intention of staying in limbo land for any extended period of time, so I really appreciate everyone’s thoughts to help me sort out the right thing to do.

[babylonsfire]

limbo land sucks, in this case, it just might be overload/too much to process/think about, give it a week, two, maybe 3 tops? then move on I would say.

[Gaeta]

It is so disappointing isn't it. My heart goes out to you. I have been disappointed like this many times.

 

I don't know if you are familiar with the dating phases but at 3 month mark it's common for men or women to back down from a good relationship. It's often the make-it-or-break it milestone. There is a series of reasons, some realize they are not ready to settle, some realize they are with the wrong person, some were just not able to develop enough strong feelings to continue. It's not his or her fault, it's just how dating is.

 

There is no 'taking breaks' in relationships. His offer to see you once a week is, to me, a break up. The 'I still have feelings for you and wish to see you once a week' is a consolation price. Sometime he offers you to make himself feel better for what he is about to do to you. God! I have been through that so many times, I feel like I am reading a book I read many times.

[Larryville]

"I need to take a step back"

 

I've been dating a wonderful man for the last three months and very admittedly we have been taking things fast - seeing each other 4-5 times a week,

 

yesterday and today he shares with me that he is emotionally overwhelmed, emotionally not ready to be in a relationship,

 

He says he has lots of feelings for me and thinks I'm fantastic and wants to still see me once a week or so while he does this sorting out thing.

 

I decided I'm willing to go along with it since he's been a sincere, open person. my question is, how long do I wait before I should expect some kind of development/decision on his end?

 

This is what happens when you move too quickly...way too much too soon! It will inevitably crash and burn every time.

 

When I logged on I started to start a thread “It’s Me” Will TRY:o to be brief but after my last “relationship” ended I had to be honest with myself.

 

I’m burned out on the idea or HOPE that I will ever find and be with anyone who can capture all of me, especially the heart.

 

I’ve dated some nice ladies and going back to my separation/divorce (will be 6 years in Nov) I’m enamored with the idea of the initial meet or search but as soon as it gets too deep, it quickly get routine, boring, attraction quickly fades, quirks get seriously annoying.

 

I’ve gone back and forth between what OP’s guy said to just outright (relationship/dating) sabotage.

 

My advice OP seriously or to any woman who reads who are with guys becoming physically or emotionally distant, and by physically distant NOT talking about sex (kissing, touching, maybe PDA, eye contact the physical bubble) don’t waste your time.

 

Because I had for so long approached dating as this long lab experiment with research, combing thru dating profiles, analyzing pictures, voices, body language, reading the material here and adding that to my information database. The OLD world and processes has made all of this way too clinical most of the time.

 

So what did I do to try and change all of that? Date someone whose personal parameters were outside of my preferred preferences. Not as educated, at the time we started dating was not working, she was living in a house with several other people (not a bad thing, but bottom line did not have her own crib) she didn’t even have her own freaking car.

 

Was kind of a nomad and we spent A LOT OF TIME together initially. Big mistake. She was woefully insecure, talked about her abusive past (not physical, emotional), she always married into or dated “money” which made her complacent. So my little experiment into “opposite world” did not work and I said EXACTLY what OP’s guy said.

 

This woman within the first week of dating said she wanted to marry me, I was like WTF, but I kept on pretending, until I could not pretend anymore.

OP, ladies keep your guard up, pay attention to and NEVER ignore those little clues.

 

Ladies, there are lots of guys out there like me. We get bored, we go on the dating sites, browse, get a catch… (Ever been fishing and have a fish on the hook and instead of reeling it in right away you mess around for a while just for the sport of it?)

 

Kinda like me…

 

But I got tired of the drives to go and see her, tired of paying for the majority of the activities, stopped enjoying the simple things, got tired of her voice. This is what happens when guys (I guess women too) are really not in to the Relationship, just going thru the motions.

 

It's text book now that when your relationship starts like fireworks it will die like fireworks.

 

When things are too good, he will pull away. Even tho it feels right, he is over whelmed, stressed out because he is questioning if you are the right woman or not.

 

Yes, maybe I’m not finding the right woman, but now I fundamentally know I’m not ever going to find ANY woman for the long term, don't even care any longer.

 

Ladies be on the lookout for guys like me. We are not evil or anything, decent dudes just not mentally or emotionally into REAL relationships. You are merely time fillers. Don’t waste your time and emotional energy.

The sooner women like OP can spot the downward spiral the better.

 

Sorry for the length

[bettermistakes]

It is disappointing. I'm very sad. It was so lovely being with him.

He is picking up his things on Friday, and I'll be telling him I'm nixing the Friday lunch date thing. No breadcrumbs for me.

[newheart]

It is disappointing. I'm very sad. It was so lovely being with him.

He is picking up his things on Friday, and I'll be telling him I'm nixing the Friday lunch date thing. No breadcrumbs for me.

 

I am sorry that this has happened. I do give you a lot of credit for knowing what you want and deserve and not settling for less. I believe you will find it one day!

[kendahke]

I've been dating a wonderful man for the last three months and very admittedly we have been taking things fast - seeing each other 4-5 times a week, our kids spending time together, and he actually bought a new vehicle just over a week ago big enough for us and all our kids. So, yesterday and today he shares with me that he is emotionally overwhelmed, emotionally not ready to be in a relationship, and wants to take a step back while he sorts himself out.

 

Okay fine, I guess. From what I've read/heard that can be a normal thing to happen in situations like this. (I'm still skeptical and wary, though) He says he has lots of feelings for me and thinks I'm fantastic and wants to still see me once a week or so while he does this sorting out thing. I decided I'm willing to go along with it since he's been a sincere, open person.

 

He may be one of those who can't stand to be alone while he's doing the heavy lifting that comes with resolving one's feelings after a break up, so he rushes into new relationships and then pulls back because that heavy lifting is still waiting on him.

 

my question is, how long do I wait before I should expect some kind of development/decision on his end? A few weeks? I know I'm free to move on at any time, and I'm not interested in be strung along, but seems like it's worth it to let this play out (over a reasonable amount of time ).

 

I'd tell them that we can be friends but that I'm going to continue dating in order to find the man who is emotionally ready and sorted out--and I would go do that. I would not wait on him unless you have that much youth you can squander.

[Gaeta]

I'd tell them that we can be friends but that I'm going to continue dating in order to find the man who is emotionally ready and sorted out--and I would go do that. I would not wait on him unless you have that much youth you can squander.

 

She has strong feelings for this man and is very disappointed. I don't think remaining friends with him is a good idea. It will weigh her down and she'll always be hoping deep down that he'll change his mind about her.

 

I advice a clean cut. We all know it's better to move on.

[kendahke]

She has strong feelings for this man and is very disappointed. I don't think remaining friends with him is a good idea. It will weigh her down and she'll always be hoping deep down that he'll change his mind about her.

 

I advice a clean cut. We all know it's better to move on.

 

I agree.

 

Just read the first post--didn't read the thread when I posted my response.

 

She has subsequently made it clear that it was over. I was saying that in case she wasn't in the head space to move on. A lot of women aren't--they just want to vent, not take advice given and go back to doing nothing about their situation.

[Mrin]

Oh man that sucks. You are doing the absolute right thing by wrapping things up and not allowing things to stay in limbo land.

 

As for the root cause - who knows. He sort of sounds like a "love bomber" to me. Maybe I am just being prejudicial here but I am somewhat surprised to find a divorce father be a love bomber without showing signs of emotional instability or drama.

 

If I had to put money on it, something external is afoot here. Reconciliation. Old GF back in the picture. I'd put money on something like that.

[bettermistakes]

Yes - clean breaks are so much better and I do just need to move on. Talking to a few close friends and hashing it out here has been extremely helpful. Starting to feel like myself a bit again.

 

As for the why, as much as I'd like to know, in the end I guess it doesn't matter, does it? But yeah, something external sounds very plausible to me.