consultmoi Posted October 18, 2016 Posted October 18, 2016 Hello. I am so confused and I really don't know what to do after being told only two weeks ago the woman I love asked me to leave so she can be with her ex ! I feel cheated, betrayed, angry, ashamed, obsessed and I am not eating or sleeping very well at all. Just over 3 years ago I met a woman who seemed to have a heart of gold in a clinic (I was in for PTSD and she was in for depression) She was unhappily married with 2 children. We established a very close bond and even though I told her I couldn't commit to a relationship with her while I was dealing with my issues and attending therapy and also because she herself was going through a divorce, we agreed to become friends. Over the period we became really really close, she dated other people and we supported each other through our own respective therapies. Even though she always wanted me to commit to her I wouldn't and not until I was ready, I also was adamant not to see her children unless we were in a committed relationship When I felt ready to commit to a relationship with this woman, she was in another relationship with this guy for 4 months who she really liked. I explained that's ok let's stay friends and if it doesn't work out with this guy let me know. She dumped this guy almost immediately and we began a relationship. I moved out of my place into her house and committed to her and her children 100%, the first few months was amazing we went on holidays, lots of nights out, weekends away etc .. and I was building up a great relationship with the children etc ... but the last 4 weeks of the relationship was dreadful. She had changed ?? But Why ?? She started getting funny with me, being secretive, not caring about me and complaining and as far as I am concerned I didn't think i'd done anything wrong. Ok we may have had the odd fall out but only ever minor. Then one day I find out she had been meeting up with her ex who she originally dumped to be with me. I asked her who she wanted me or him and she said it was me she loved and said she will tell him face to face the following day to tell him she can't see him anymore and that she loved me At 12pm I text her and asked if she felt she made the right choice and she said yes I love you. Then at 3pm the same day I get a message saying "I want to be with X i'm sorry" It devastated my world. I lost my partner, my relationship with the children, my home and now I'm sat lonely sleeping on a friends floor feeling all of this pain and I don't know what I did wrong, What I do now and Why ??? I did ask why and she says she still loves me but it just wasn't working and needs to let me go and that she was really sorry. Oh and when I originally asked if she had a nice weekend during a call where I begged her to take me back she laughed replying OH YEAH ! (indicating great sex with the new man) which really hurt How can someone who once loved me says they still love me be so cruel to me ? and this is from someone who knows all of my past trauma Please help
Logo Posted October 18, 2016 Posted October 18, 2016 Is the ex the biological father of her children? 1
Author consultmoi Posted October 18, 2016 Author Posted October 18, 2016 No he was someone she dated for only afew months 1
Been Posted October 18, 2016 Posted October 18, 2016 Because you moved too fast. She sounds like someone who craves attention all the time. She was always like she was-you just didn't see it because everything was going so fast. And that's probably by design-you don't have time to see the real her because your trying to keep up. May I ask how long it was before you moved in with her? 2
Author consultmoi Posted October 18, 2016 Author Posted October 18, 2016 she moved in with me almost immediately after ending it with this guy to be with me. She was in the middle of buying a house and as soon as that came through she wanted me to move in with her and give up my place which I did and now i'm in a position where I need somewhere to live while she is back with her ex, who apparently treats her like a princess. You are right she does seem to crave attention all the time and I suppose when things 'calmed' down her head seemed to turn. But why say she loved me, always has loved me and then kick me out like a dog ? What do I do when/if she contacts me ? Ignore her ? I couldn't cope going through all of this again. I prefered it when we was friends and only saw her every few weeks 1
Been Posted October 18, 2016 Posted October 18, 2016 See how fast she moves? Way too fast. I'm going to tell you right now how she is:she is the type of woman who always has a man lined up so if she isn't happy with the current one she has something lined up. You get back together and it will happen all over again. I can assure you she started with her ex before she even broke up with you. And I'm pretty sure that the sex between the both of you was almost non existent in the month/weeks leading up to your break up. 4
Author consultmoi Posted October 18, 2016 Author Posted October 18, 2016 I don't believe I could trust her ever again so the idea of going back to her will never happen. I do consider maybe trying to get back to the way we was before we began the relationship, but for now i'm going strict NC. Not that I expect her to contact me but if she does I will simply delete her messages. One thing that really hurts is that for 2 years I wouldn't meet her children as I wasn't in a relationship with her. I find out she introduces this guy to her children who no doubt started to build a relationship with them. Then she introduces me where I build a relationship with them and then re-introduces this previous ex !!! Poor children must be confused and it upsets me 1
aloneinaz Posted October 18, 2016 Posted October 18, 2016 I personally don't think you should even consider any kind of R/S with this woman. I agree that she was probably cheating on you before she dumped you and ran back to the other guy. Her character is very low and she may have other mental issues along with depression. Either way, your absolute best thing to do is vanish from her life. Change your phone number. Nothing good will come out of any further contact but more drama, bs, pain, anxiety and will prevent you from healing. Personally, you dodged a bullet. Be glad you did marry her and she pulled this. There's a gazzilion other eligible women out there. Find another one when you're ready. 4
Been Posted October 18, 2016 Posted October 18, 2016 Block her from your phone trust me on that one. There is no reason to have an open line of communication with her. And trust me when I tell you she will try to get back with you-woman like that jump from man to man. DONT go back. It will only repeat itself. You got together. Everything was awesome at the start. You were the greatest boyfriend she ever dated. Moved in. Talk of marriage. Then as the months went by things start to change. Little things you did would lead her to argue with you. You can't do anything right all of the sudden. You talk less. You start walking on egg shells around her to avoid making her mad. Sex slows down to almost nothing. Your gut tells you she's doing something or something isn't right. But you ignore it because hey a couple of months ago you were the greatest ever according to her so how do you go from that to the worst without doing anything different.? And the whole time your trying to figure this out she's out with the ex. And then when things look like they are going to be good with the ex she lowers the boom on you.Would you really want to do this again? 3
Frozensushi Posted October 19, 2016 Posted October 19, 2016 I suggest anyone interested in starting and sustaining a healthy relationship to read up on the stages of coming together in an intimate relationship. When someone tries to rush through those stages or skips steps it screams RED FLAG!!! 1
Toodaloo Posted October 19, 2016 Posted October 19, 2016 She moves faster than a speeding rocket! Which suggests that she is highly insecure. By the way I have a little theory about "nice" people... If the primary word you or another person uses to describe someone is "nice"... chances are they are highly unlikely to be "nice" behind closed doors. Nice is a non word used when others can't be... If a person is lovely people will describe them as lovely. If a person is loyal or diligent or funny or charismatic or happy or kind then people will describe them as such. Nice means absolutely jack all... So when I find myself or others using that word... I bail... because something is stopping me (and those other people) from using the other more descriptive and encouraging words... and that something is not usually positive so I no longer waste the time finding out what it is... 1
kvolm2016 Posted October 19, 2016 Posted October 19, 2016 I am sorry you are dealing with this emotional pain. There is certainly no quick or easy way to get over this. Do you have a counselor or any kind of support group that you are connected to?
Itspointless Posted October 19, 2016 Posted October 19, 2016 (I was in for PTSD and she was in for depression) She was unhappily married with 2 children. [...] I told her I couldn't commit to a relationship with her while I was dealing with my issues and attending therapy [...] She dumped this guy almost immediately and we began a relationship. She loves what she cannot get and you were interesting as long as she could idolize you from a distance. My guess is that it probably was her husband that was unhappily married. The why she is like she is, is harder to say here: could be many reasons. But one thing you can be certain of is that it won't be a happy stroll being in a relationship with her. As for the bolded part, imagine how that must have felt at the time for that guy. There lies a warning in such behavior. It tells us that she mainly is concerned with her own feelings or fantasies.
Author consultmoi Posted October 19, 2016 Author Posted October 19, 2016 Thank you Kvolm2016. Yes I have a support group to turn too and the message of advice is always consistent with 'keep no contact and in time it will get easier' @itspointless I totally agree he must of been going through what I am going through now so I can sympathise but who has the last laugh ? Him for getting back with her or me for being saved from her ? Interesting point about her only being interested in her own feelings, I never quite saw it before but now it's pretty evident
Itspointless Posted October 19, 2016 Posted October 19, 2016 @itspointless I totally agree he must of been going through what I am going through now so I can sympathise but who has the last laugh ? Him for getting back with her or me for being saved from her ? Interesting point about her only being interested in her own feelings, I never quite saw it before but now it's pretty evident The last laugh, well as she left him before after a short time, the likely will do it again. Yes you ARE saved from her. Usually it are people who feel empty inside and expect other people to make them feel good. When they feel their emptiness again often due to small imperfections, it often is the other that is blamed for it. That at least is the impression I get of her by reading your story. Although we have to keep in mind that your story is only one perspective of the actual relationship. 1
Aniela Posted October 20, 2016 Posted October 20, 2016 How can someone who once loved me says they still love me be so cruel to me ? and this is from someone who knows all of my past trauma Please help I'm not sure why some people are so cruel. I've been on the receiving end of it myself, in the past, and actually asked someone recently, but they had no answer for me. They either don't see it, or they don't care. 1
Toodaloo Posted October 20, 2016 Posted October 20, 2016 I'm not sure why some people are so cruel. I've been on the receiving end of it myself, in the past, and actually asked someone recently, but they had no answer for me. They either don't see it, or they don't care. Or they were just using you for entertainment at the time... to make themselves feel better until they move on...
Aniela Posted October 20, 2016 Posted October 20, 2016 Or they were just using you for entertainment at the time... to make themselves feel better until they move on... Yeah, in one case (a guy I knew, years ago). Another was a friend (I thought). But with friends like that... 1
Toodaloo Posted October 20, 2016 Posted October 20, 2016 Yeah, in one case (a guy I knew, years ago). Another was a friend (I thought). But with friends like that... It hurts like hell when people are so nasty but at the end of the day its who they are and accepting them as they are then removing that negativity from your life is really refreshing and liberating. Hurts at the beginning when you choose to do it as you feel like its you or that you could have changed them or that if you were a better person they wouldn't have done it. But all those thoughts are is self doubt about your own worthiness. Completely natural and absolutely nothing to do with the person who is being nasty in the first place because people are as they are. We don't change all that much. 1
Author consultmoi Posted October 26, 2016 Author Posted October 26, 2016 Just as an update I collected my items yesterday and received an email saying that she hopes I am ok, I stuck to your advice and made NC. I then got a nasty message an hour later. Then today I received the following message "Just wanted to let you know that I am sad and sorry that it has ended between us. I am not happy about it and do still love and care for you. But for now is the best for both of us. Will miss you always" Again I didn't reply as I didn't want to. But it does look more and more as though she has narcissistic traits, no doubt that is what she sees her therapist for but never told me. And if she did genuinely love me she wouldn't send me a text 3 weeks ago that said "I want to be with xx, Sorry" only 3 hours after telling me she loves me and wanted to be with me, and if she loved me she wouldn't ask me to leave without having anywhere to go and if she loved me she wouldn't of been seeing her ex behind my back, and if she loved me she wouldn't of told her friends that I have mental health problems ...... I suppose I am only reiterating to myself the reality of the situation and try and see the email for what it is which is a narcissist trying to hold onto a secondary source of fuel while she manipulates her new primary source of fuel, it was this that drove her to chose someone else over me as I no longer served that purpose and as soon as he no longer serves his purpose she will want to see if her secondary sources (me being one) will be available to her own selfish and self centered needs I just find it very sad that someone works this way and uses people with no capacity to love or have any empathy :-( She doesn't know I have a suspicion of her condition albeit it is only my own diagnosis of her condition based on feedback and research, I could be wrong but I'm guessing i'm right (unfortunately) 1
Toodaloo Posted October 26, 2016 Posted October 26, 2016 Thats a heck of a lot of yo yo emotions. I should just keep yourself to yourself and walk away. Do not be surprised if you get more nasty texts and pleading and I love you messages... Woman has no self control at all. She is also throwing a tantrum. 1
Author consultmoi Posted October 27, 2016 Author Posted October 27, 2016 I am so confused and I really don't know what to do after the woman I love broke up with me just over 3 weeks ago to be with her ex. I'm trying to figure it all out. She spent 2 years chasing me, idolising me, always wanting to be with me and eventually I agreed to commit to her 100% yet only 4 months later tells me she wants to be with her ex and for me to move out ASAP I feel cheated, betrayed, angry, ashamed and obsessed I did meet her in a psychiatric clinic where I was in for C-PTSD and alcoholism and she said she was in for depression. When it came to me wanting a relationship with this woman because I felt ready and I was 2 years sober, she was in another relationship with this guy who she liked. I explained that's ok lets stay friends and if it doesn't work out let me know. She dumped this guy almost immediately and we began a relationship. I moved out of my place into her house and committed to her and her children 100%, the first few months was amazing we went on holidays etc ... but the last month was dreadful. She had changed ?? But Why ?? This is what confuses me I find out she had been meeting up with her ex who she originally dumped to be with me. I asked her who she wanted me or him and she said me and said she will tell him face to face she can't see him anymore and that she loved me At 12pm I text her and asked if she felt she made the right choice and she said yes I love you. Then at 3pm the same day I get a message saying "I want to be with X i'm sorry" It devastated my world. I lost my partner, my relationship with the children and my home I feel in so much pain and I don't know what I did wrong, Why did she suddenly dropped me without hesitation to be with her ex despite her knowing my past traumas ??? and not caring if I relapsed (which I haven't and won't) She did once say to me if she was ever alone it would drive her over the edge and I am almost sure if her ex didn't want her she would still be with me. Can anyone advise me how I get over her betrayal ? As a man who was suddenly replaced by another man (who consequently now treats her like a princess) I can't escape the thoughts on their intimacy which was once special with me. How do I get past the feeling of her never loving me but shows love to another man. My self esteem and pride are rock bottom and I do not know where to turn. I just want her to want me and miss me. It has been one week now since I implemented NC and I have arranged for her aunt to collect my things from her house so I don't ever need to speak to her again She has been in contact with me via email saying she still thinks of me and hopes I am ok, as I didn't reply I then got a nasty email an hour later and I got another one yesterday that said "Just wanted to let you know that I am sad and sorry that it has ended between us. I am not happy about it and do still love and care for you. But for now is the best for both of us. Will miss you always" Is she simply a pathological narcissist, someone with BDP, simply is depressed or has decided that the ex she dumped is better for her than I am Please help me try to understand ???
Toodaloo Posted October 28, 2016 Posted October 28, 2016 Your ex is a yo yo girl who is clearly attention seeking and using you. Kick her to the kerb. Do no contact properly or this will go on for far longer than it needs to. Quit winding yourself up over a girl who is playing your emotions.
elaine567 Posted October 28, 2016 Posted October 28, 2016 Feelings in human beings change all the time, so why are you confused by that. Nothing complicated here, she dumped her ex to be with you, but was not happy, so now she has dumped you to be with her ex again. Happens all the time in dating circles, only this is more complicated as there is a house and kids involved. It is NEVER a good idea to get too involved with people who have bfs or exes, or husbands. Stay clear of people who have never had a chance to get over their previous relationships properly. YOU rushed into this relationship, knowing she had a bf. Yes, she dumped him for you, but she was not someone you should have taken that so seriously that early on. It was a ready made family and you just leapt in, but this was her family not yours.. YOU should not have moved in with her lock stock and barrel, as she had not had any time to process leaving her ex. You slotted yourself into the husband and father position, but she didn't really know you, did she? First 3 months was a fantasy romance, after that she was not so impressed, so ramped back her affection for you. Once she had proper time to think and process, she decided that HE was the better bet for her and her kids, so dumped you. People tend to do things that are best for themselves (and their kids). They don't need to be a narcissist to do that, Was she just supposed to stay with you because YOU love her? The world doesn't work like that, there has to be mutual adoration for relationships to work well. One sided relationships are doomed to fail. She may "love" you as a pal or as an ex, but she doesn't love you as a potential life partner and that is the bottom line. Plenty threads on here from dumpees alleging this, that and the other about their ex's mental health, but it doesn't really matter what the diagnosis is (if any), the problem is now within themselves. They need to stop obsessing over their ex and start getting on with their own life. I suggest you give yourself time to grieve, then heal and move on. Stay well away from her, you will never heal if you keep in contact.
Author consultmoi Posted October 28, 2016 Author Posted October 28, 2016 Thank you Elaine. You are right, I would say we are both to blame. Me for getting involved with someone who already had a bf, her for being involved with me because she was already in a relationship and me for diving in head first so quickly. I suppose I assumed because she was chasing me and we were best friends for so long that we had enough of a bond where we already knew each other enough to commit fully I'm just sad that I lost a friend through all of this, what hurts the most is not necessarily what she did it is the way she did it I will maintain NC even though she has been sending me emails telling me she loves me and I will take your advice and stay away and work on myself Thank you for your help and advice 1
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