Ricekrispie Posted October 18, 2016 Posted October 18, 2016 I've been dating this guy for a little over two months. He's 6 years older than me (I'm in my early 20's) and he has plans to settle down in the next 2 years or so. I plan on going to grad school next year and I won't be ready to settle down for at least another 4-5 years. We both have an understanding of each other's plans, and we have both kind of agreed just to ride it out until one of us ends up moving on. Because of this, he has said he doesn't want to be in a committed relationship with me. Last weekend I asked him if he's seeing anyone else. He said he is, but 'just as friends', and he says he doesn't want anything more than that from them. I told him I'm not seeing anyone else currently, but I met another guy this weekend and we have tentative plans to go out. Is it unfair to the first guy for me to do this after I told him I'm not seeing anyone else? Is it something I should discuss with him, or can I safely presume that because he's not willing to commit to me, that I'm free to see other people as well?
basil67 Posted October 18, 2016 Posted October 18, 2016 I think that for the sake of the guys you date, you should disentangle yourself with guy number one first. 5
dumbass2 Posted October 18, 2016 Posted October 18, 2016 "we have both kind of agreed just to ride it out until one of us ends up moving on" If you are okay with a FWB and no feelings for each other "Because of this, he has said he doesn't want to be in a committed relationship with me." You are free to do as you like and so is he 3
carhill Posted October 18, 2016 Posted October 18, 2016 If you're clearly not committed and exclusive, see who you want, do what you want, whenever and however you want. Nunnya, meaning none of your (his in this case) business. Part of a being single and loving to mingle. Back in the day when I was dating I expected every woman I was dating to be seeing other men and having sex with other men and very few disappointed me. That's how life works. Enjoy and good luck with your graduate studies! 1
smackie9 Posted October 18, 2016 Posted October 18, 2016 Ya but what about this new guy? What are you going to tell him? Would you be disappointed if he had a FWB?
RecentChange Posted October 18, 2016 Posted October 18, 2016 I say go date. If it has been agreed you aren't exclusive, and wont have a future together - date! He is obviously just a place holder. Ya but what about this new guy? What are you going to tell him? Would you be disappointed if he had a FWB? As for this - eh, I would never assume that because someone agrees to a first date that they aren't having any sex. I understand that opinions very, but you are going on a FIRST date, I personally do not think you have to disclose you are sexually active and dating someone else - non exclusively. Perhaps that is because I had a long term FWB, and was casually dating (like you, both were keeping options open, not exclusive, no future, been dating a few months) when I met my husband. After two dates with the hubby, I KNEW this is the guy I wanted to pursue. We had very Frank discussion about sex early on, he knew I had a FWB, and was dating (but I didn't come out and say that on the first date). So I ended the FWB, officially broke off things with the guy I was dating - and focused my attention. I am so glad I didn't miss the opportunity with my husband out of courtesy to a guy who wasn't committed to me. 2
Miss Peach Posted October 19, 2016 Posted October 19, 2016 I agree with the other posters. No need to commit to someone who won't commit to you. Go ahead on go on the date. This is just a FWB to guy #1. 1
Mrin Posted October 19, 2016 Posted October 19, 2016 While I agree you don't owe guy #1 anything, you owe it to yourself to in integrity with your words. You told him you weren't seeing anyone else. Then you met guy #2. You should go back to guy #1 either before or after your date with guy #2 and update him on the situation. NOTE: if you hadn't told him you weren't seeing anyone else then there would be no need for this. But you did so you just need to clean it up. No biggie. 3
kendahke Posted October 19, 2016 Posted October 19, 2016 (edited) I've been dating this guy for a little over two months. He's 6 years older than me (I'm in my early 20's) and he has plans to settle down in the next 2 years or so. I plan on going to grad school next year and I won't be ready to settle down for at least another 4-5 years. We both have an understanding of each other's plans, and we have both kind of agreed just to ride it out until one of us ends up moving on. Because of this, he has said he doesn't want to be in a committed relationship with me. Last weekend I asked him if he's seeing anyone else. He said he is, but 'just as friends', and he says he doesn't want anything more than that from them. I told him I'm not seeing anyone else currently, but I met another guy this weekend and we have tentative plans to go out. Is it unfair to the first guy for me to do this after I told him I'm not seeing anyone else? Is it something I should discuss with him, or can I safely presume that because he's not willing to commit to me, that I'm free to see other people as well? No it's not unfair to him at all. You're not in a committed relationship with him. You can do as you please. If he asks, then tell him you were asked out after you two had the conversation. You think he's going to tell you when/if he's seeing others as more than just friends? I seriously doubt he would. Edited October 19, 2016 by kendahke 3
Versacehottie Posted October 20, 2016 Posted October 20, 2016 No it's not unfair to him at all. You're not in a committed relationship with him. You can do as you please. If he asks, then tell him you were asked out after you two had the conversation. You think he's going to tell you when/if he's seeing others as more than just friends? I seriously doubt he would. Agreed. Not to mention I call b*llsh*t on the "seeing others as just friends". Either they are friends for real, which is no problem or conflict really with OP or if they are "seeing" each other as just friends that pretty much sounds like he is legit telling you he is doing exactly as he pleases and testing other waters. If that's fine with you OP, just re-clarify that you are going to do the same. The "ride it out" thing doesn't really sit well with me because I tend to thing one of the other is going to get hurt because of this arrangement. 1
Miss Peach Posted October 20, 2016 Posted October 20, 2016 Agreed. Not to mention I call b*llsh*t on the "seeing others as just friends". Either they are friends for real, which is no problem or conflict really with OP or if they are "seeing" each other as just friends that pretty much sounds like he is legit telling you he is doing exactly as he pleases and testing other waters. If that's fine with you OP, just re-clarify that you are going to do the same. The "ride it out" thing doesn't really sit well with me because I tend to thing one of the other is going to get hurt because of this arrangement. I think there's truth in there. A lot of men will say let's start "as friends" to see where it goes. The reality is it's a date and the guy is looking for an excuse to keep it casual until someone really does it for him. 1
jen1447 Posted October 20, 2016 Posted October 20, 2016 I'd feel free to date whoever you want and you can certainly change your mind whenever it suits you, but do keep him up to date as long as he's in the picture so he's not unaware or misinformed about what's going on.
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