If your affair has ended, would you go back in time and still have the affair?

[OneLov]

Absolutely and positively: NO. The pain and utter humiliation of it all was a too steep of a price. Any good memory has been washed in black. I was a principal player in the greatest tragedy of my life.

[jenkins95]

I have to admit Jenkins, I miss him so much. Having a hard time today for some reason.

 

(((mlc)))

 

He thinks of you and misses you too, despite appearances. I guarantee it.

 

Try to sleep well - tomorrow will be a better day.

 

Thinking of you x

[Daisy2013]

Whew! This is a double-sworded question for sure. I'd like to say no because I am better that this. But, I discovered so much. For the 1st time, I loved; I fell in love. It was easy to be vulnerable and intimate and not wear a mask. I discovered friendship beforehand deepens the love.

 

You see, I have never "dated" per se, to allow things to progress naturally. The 1st time I married in my very early 20s, it was because I thought it was something I was supposed to do. Mistake. The 2nd one, I dated him shortly after my divorce and became pregnant. We had fun together and he was a nice guy, even adopted my daughter from previous marriage. BUT, long-term we are not compatible and I have been lonely from Day 1. Ignored many red flags because I didn't want to be alone.

 

So, to develop a friendship and have it blossom into this is beyond what I ever imagined. My MM knows me so much more than my H. Can't share my heart with him, never could. He is very shallow and simple.

 

So, I learned what could be had I done things right. I tell myself at least I will die knowing. And there is so much more to intimacy than just laying under a man. Intimacy doesn't even require the sex act.

[buglet78]

I wouldn't. My biggest regret about my affair was not cutting things off when I found out he was "still" married. Instead, I fell for the "roommate marriage"/"I'm looking for apartments"/extensive future faking hook, line and sinker. I gave into the forbidden fruit aspect, and let my fear of him disappearing completely out of my life (we started out as really great friends) govern me.

[gettingstronger]

(((mlc)))

 

He thinks of you and misses you too, despite appearances. I guarantee it.

 

Try to sleep well - tomorrow will be a better day.

 

Thinking of you x

 

 

I found this interesting considering the discussion shifted to what pushed you over the edge-flirty, friendly.

 

It seems the excitement is addictive so once it's been experienced, many will indeed slip back in.

[Forever broken]

Absolutely and positively: NO. The pain and utter humiliation of it all was a too steep of a price. Any good memory has been washed in black. I was a principal player in the greatest tragedy of my life.

 

 

You said it Pal. I have never felt humiliated that much till this affair. I used to be respected at my job, my coworkers, among my friends not anymore. Why? because I wasn't intelligent enough to ignore all the stupid things he told me. The pain is unbearable. I will never do it again.

[oceansaway]

Why do they keep moving posts??? This was in the correct area!

[Midlifecrisis1]

(((mlc)))

 

He thinks of you and misses you too, despite appearances. I guarantee it.

 

Try to sleep well - tomorrow will be a better day.

 

Thinking of you x

 

 

Thank you Jenkins. This actually made me teary (in a good way). I'll convince myself that you absolutely know what you're talking about so it must be true. feels much better to believe you than to believe he is just fine.

[Babsinhealing]

Yes... in a heart beat. I've been on a crazy rollercoaster over the past 2.5 years and there have been extreme highs and lows, but I'm a firm believer that "everything happens for a reason". I've learned so much about myself through this experience, my strengths and weaknesses, and the only regret I've ever had was hurting the BS.

[Weezy1973]

Cheaters cheat. Those that have no regrets are cheaters / narcissists / psychopaths etc. The others are human.

[Fishfingersareyummy]

Cheaters cheat. Those that have no regrets are cheaters / narcissists / psychopaths etc. The others are human.

 

There doesn't seem to be too much regret in this topic.

[Wade Lamare]

Ahurtgirl, you've asked the question but provided no answer of your own.

 

What would be your answer if somebody asked you the question?

 

I know you are going through a lot of emotional pain due to the recent breakup of your affair so I mean the next as a gentle observation rather than a criticism.

You are essentially, due to your husband now identifying as gay, a single person.

If you are single you rarely see the emotional devastation that the betrayed spouse can feel.

 

I think that without viewing that heartache first hand it would influence your opinion on questions like this.

[cocorico]

Our A ended some years back, but our R has gone from strength to strength. So yes, I'd do it all again in a heartbeat - though perhaps a little differently.

[Bittersweetie]

No, no, no.

 

While I am in a much better place now, and my marriage is in a much better place, I wish every day that we could've gotten to this place without the pain and destruction I caused with my A. The issues were all within me but I couldn't see it at that time and I thought my choices were justified. There were much better paths I could've taken that I didn't. I regret that.

[Fishfingersareyummy]

No, no, no.

 

While I am in a much better place now, and my marriage is in a much better place, I wish every day that we could've gotten to this place without the pain and destruction I caused with my A. The issues were all within me but I couldn't see it at that time and I thought my choices were justified. There were much better paths I could've taken that I didn't. I regret that.

 

What I cannot understand about men and women is when they state in a round about way that having an affair has improved their relationship. How? That's what I want to know.

[Osmium13]

Oh Yes. Absolutely. Though I'm not sure it actually counted as an affair - I separated with my wife before I'd gone out with my "AP", albeit having met her before the separation.

 

What I would do very differently is tell "AP" about my circumstances from the start. I didn't - and I'm such a bad liar that it didn't take long before she figured me out. It ballsed-up what had been a good start... I had always intended to tell her everything, but the timing was never right and, as a result, the situation went beyond my control. I was relieved when she ended it - the stress of being an unintentional git was horrible.

 

I've thought about apologising and explaining it many a time - but she's now married and seems very happy, so why drag that up again? Nah. Best just to put that one down to experience.

[Bittersweetie]

What I cannot understand about men and women is when they state in a round about way that having an affair has improved their relationship. How? That's what I want to know.

 

I will not say the affair itself improved my relationship. It did not at all. What improved my marriage was me working on my communication and coping skills and expectations. What improved it was my H and I communicating more clearly to each other what our needs were and addressing issues together. What improved it was my H also working on his own personal stuff. That is why I wish I could've gotten to this place without having the A...because I see now there were other healthier, less hurtful paths to take. The affair did not improve my marriage...it was the actions and choices my H and I took afterward that did.

[RecentChange]

What I cannot understand about men and women is when they state in a round about way that having an affair has improved their relationship. How? That's what I want to know.

 

You know how sometimes you are trying to tidy up a room, and aren’t making much progress – and find the best way to tackle it, is to just pull all the crap out of the closets, make a huge mess, and then put it all back together, everything in its place, and the junk removed?

 

Its kinda like that.

 

I have been a BS, and I have been a WW.

 

And in both instances, as CRAZY as it sounds, it improved our relationship. Could it have been done a different way? Probably? Maybe? I don’t know. Sometimes it almost seems easier put something back together completely, than it is to put a little bondo on it and call it good.

 

( I will qualify that both my husband’s and my “affairs” were perhaps more defined as “flings” rather than these long, love affairs I read about on LS. Mine was sex only, for a few months, his was sex / emotional and lasted less than 2 months).

 

So why? What is it about an affair that can have this affect?

 

People often say “if you aren’t happy, just say something!” – in both of our cases, I don’t think we REALIZED the level of discontent, until it happened. It’s the discontent that made us “affair vulnerable” but it still wasn’t a front lobe matter. So, it provided a moment of realization, a wake up call.

 

And even then, sometimes saying “I am not happy, this isn’t working” doesn’t do the trick. Its easy to rug sweep, to continue the status quo, especially if it has been going on for years. An affair can’t be ignored – it’s a bomb blast. It’s a make it or break it moment.

 

Our affairs actually led to us rediscovering parts of ourselves that had been lost in the shuffle. People often talk about the “dual lives” etc of cheaters – I think its often our “hidden self” the part that has been repressed coming out. So, the affairs led to not only a learning more about ourselves, but each other. And in turn lead to embracing those things that we had suppressed . For me, it was my “sexual being” for him, it was his need for adventure and spontaneity – our lives and our relationship now include these things more than ever before, and we are happier for it.

 

Reconciliation forced a level of deep honesty, ALL the skeletons came out of the closet. Because it wasn’t just about the cheating, it was about the causes, and that is quite a rabbit hole. Perhaps without a bomb blast we could have dug that deep… but I don’t know, I have a hard time imagining the scenario that would cause that much digging. We both had things that we held close, and would never let out…. But the affair made us raw enough, put everything on the line, and caused us to open up like never before.

 

Would I go back and do it again. Gees…. If you asked me the weeks after D Day I would have said no way! If you told me there was a way to get where we are today, without one, then yes, I would say I wouldn’t do it. If you told me that things would have remained as they were before the affairs – I would choose the affair. Even his, perhaps especially his. I learned a lot that would have never been shared through that reconciliation.

[Fishfingersareyummy]

I will not say the affair itself improved my relationship. It did not at all. What improved my marriage was me working on my communication and coping skills and expectations. What improved it was my H and I communicating more clearly to each other what our needs were and addressing issues together. What improved it was my H also working on his own personal stuff. That is why I wish I could've gotten to this place without having the A...because I see now there were other healthier, less hurtful paths to take. The affair did not improve my marriage...it was the actions and choices my H and I took afterward that did.

 

All of this seems so basic though. I'm not judging you but to me communication, taking care of your personal stuff as you word it and addressing issues that arise together are things we are taught from young age. We are taught team work, cooperation and communication from a young age, so I find it alarming that it has taken an affair for such basic concepts to be understood. However, I am delighted that you and your husband have resolved things and moved forward with your marriage.

[Fishfingersareyummy]

You know how sometimes you are trying to tidy up a room, and aren’t making much progress – and find the best way to tackle it, is to just pull all the crap out of the closets, make a huge mess, and then put it all back together, everything in its place, and the junk removed?

 

Its kinda like that.

 

I have been a BS, and I have been a WW.

 

And in both instances, as CRAZY as it sounds, it improved our relationship. Could it have been done a different way? Probably? Maybe? I don’t know. Sometimes it almost seems easier put something back together completely, than it is to put a little bondo on it and call it good.

 

( I will qualify that both my husband’s and my “affairs” were perhaps more defined as “flings” rather than these long, love affairs I read about on LS. Mine was sex only, for a few months, his was sex / emotional and lasted less than 2 months).

 

So why? What is it about an affair that can have this affect?

 

People often say “if you aren’t happy, just say something!” – in both of our cases, I don’t think we REALIZED the level of discontent, until it happened. It’s the discontent that made us “affair vulnerable” but it still wasn’t a front lobe matter. So, it provided a moment of realization, a wake up call.

 

And even then, sometimes saying “I am not happy, this isn’t working” doesn’t do the trick. Its easy to rug sweep, to continue the status quo, especially if it has been going on for years. An affair can’t be ignored – it’s a bomb blast. It’s a make it or break it moment.

 

Our affairs actually led to us rediscovering parts of ourselves that had been lost in the shuffle. People often talk about the “dual lives” etc of cheaters – I think its often our “hidden self” the part that has been repressed coming out. So, the affairs led to not only a learning more about ourselves, but each other. And in turn lead to embracing those things that we had suppressed . For me, it was my “sexual being” for him, it was his need for adventure and spontaneity – our lives and our relationship now include these things more than ever before, and we are happier for it.

 

Reconciliation forced a level of deep honesty, ALL the skeletons came out of the closet. Because it wasn’t just about the cheating, it was about the causes, and that is quite a rabbit hole. Perhaps without a bomb blast we could have dug that deep… but I don’t know, I have a hard time imagining the scenario that would cause that much digging. We both had things that we held close, and would never let out…. But the affair made us raw enough, put everything on the line, and caused us to open up like never before.

 

Would I go back and do it again. Gees…. If you asked me the weeks after D Day I would have said no way! If you told me there was a way to get where we are today, without one, then yes, I would say I wouldn’t do it. If you told me that things would have remained as they were before the affairs – I would choose the affair. Even his, perhaps especially his. I learned a lot that would have never been shared through that reconciliation.

 

I'm starting to understand your perspective and it's very eye opening, it makes me glad to be single and happy. I feel blessed that I don't need to have a relationship, marriage and to be presented with such dilemma's and problems but I am delighted to hear that you and your husband are in a better place. That was nice to read.

[Bittersweetie]

All of this seems so basic though. I'm not judging you but to me communication, taking care of your personal stuff as you word it and addressing issues that arise together are things we are taught from young age. We are taught team work, cooperation and communication from a young age, so I find it alarming that it has taken an affair for such basic concepts to be understood. However, I am delighted that you and your husband have resolved things and moved forward with your marriage.

 

It is basic! So basic. I think, sometimes, after many years together people fall into complacency and set patterns. Issues that come up that aren't dealt with, resentments aren't addressed, and it all becomes part of the tapestry of a long-term relationship. Not using that as an excuse for my actions, but showing that even with good intentions in the beginning, things can go off the rails. It is alarming that this can happen; sometimes I think about what I did and think, WTF was I thinking?! I guess the only thing I can say is that in marriage one has to water it every day...it's a garden that is always growing and changing. I'm very lucky to have been given a second chance and don't plan on being complacent every again.

[Got it]

There were things I discovered about myself that I am not sure I would have seen without the affair. There was a humbleness that I didn't have before. There was a sense of self prioritizing and honesty I didn't have prior.

 

But in the scheme of things, I think I would, if doing again, would have stopped it at the slippery slope or as a fling, and had each side wrap up their end. I know were were both done with our marriages and would have divorced and I know we are great together. But I guess I have faith that we would have always ended up together as the connection between us has always been so strong.

 

So, no, I would haven't had a long term affair and would hope that all the riches I have gotten afterwards would still have been there without all the pain for others.