How do I tell my ex I love him, when i've just come out of a relationship

[BackwardsHat]

Okay then, here goes... [i'm sorry this is so long, just stick with me]

 

I met my ex 3.5 years ago when I was 20 (i'll call him Cam). We worked together, we became good friends, started dating just before my 21st.

 

He was 24 and had a 4 year old son that he was/is a full time single parent to, he'd been single 4 years before we stated dating.

 

The relationship was good, for a long time.

I find it hard to put in words but I guess, I find it really hard to let my guard down totally and trust people, I don't really know why. I grew up in a country town but it was considered a bit of a dogey estate (although nothing like an inner city estate) we didn't have a lot of money and I had 4 brothers, and I guess being "tough" was important. I guess I've always striven to be seen as "tough", but everyone has insecurities deep down, that's part of being human.

 

But Cam he seemed to really get me. More than anyone. He's a real free spirt, open book kinda guy. I guess he kind of brought that side out of me. I've never felt so at ease with anyone.

 

But, I was young. I guess we always appeared a bit of a mishmash as a couple and people don't always get that. He comes across quite jack the lad and people talk in a small town and he's got a bit of a reputation. The truth of it is I let some people get in my head!

 

I think I scared myself by how much I was really falling for him and I pushed him a way a bit, and we argued over something stupid, and you know when you're arguing and you see you hit really deep and you should just stop, just shut up, but I was more of an idiot back then and I didn't stop. Then I was too proud to back down, to say I was wrong and it escalated and we decided we were too different people and we split.

 

I'd say it was mutual, but in the name of being honest, I know that I hurt him!

 

So we split. And a while after he starts this like casual, FWB type thing with another girl I know (and really like, which is always a kicker)!

I still loved him. It hurt seeing them together. Yeah, I was jealous!

 

So eventually I meet this guy and asks me out, a few times, and I the end I say yeah, because why not. I had a good time, I thought maybe I needed to move on and so I started dating him. [i know not a class A reason to get into a relationship]

 

Things got more serious, he talked a lot about the future, about the family we'd have and that's the thing I've always wanted.. more than anything!!! He was older, 28, and I thought we could build a life together. We got engaged, I got pregnant, and he told me when our son was 3 weeks old that this wasn't the life he wanted and he was leaving..... [Ha ]

 

I was mad at the time, and still think he was dead immature and irresponsible.

But there is a part of me that thinks, I'm not sure how 'in love' we ever were really, and all I've ever wanted was to be the family unit my parents were, I wouldn't of left! So maybe on some level it was a good thing he did because it gives us both a chance to be happy with someone else.

[However he still is a complete d!ck for so far having next to nothing to do with his son]

 

I guess what I've also failed to mention thus far is that my son suffered certain health complications at birth. The early signs are really positive that hopefully the long term effects on his life and health will be fairly minor but at this stage we can't say anything for sure. He's had two operations and he is likely to suffer some degree of learning difficulties.

 

I've stayed friends with Cam this whole time, we still work together though not quite as closely. He's been a real rock for me. He's got a way with words, he always finds the right ones, he came to the hospital when he heard about Terry not being well and the very first thing he said was "Damn, he's just perfect" and it was like everything I needed to hear in that moment.

 

He's been good as well since my ex left. He came over to see me and I told him I wasn't really up for entertaining and he was like "that's cool, I just thought i'd swing by for his address and then I'll kick some ass" We've been in quite regular contact since then I guess because, we have always got on like a house on fire but between him seeing someone else and me seeing someone else its been a bit weird but now its not, and he's been a single parent so he kind of gets it too.

He picked up that I needed to get some rest, he told me to go have some time out, have a bath, sleep. His (annoyingly) right, I haven't really been letting [my baby] out of my sight, not in like a crazy person way, but obviously its been a really hard couple of months and I've been so worried about him and its me that he wants and I just want to be there for him. But Cam was like "You've got to stop cramping his style, he's not gonna want his mum there when he's off climbing mountains in peru is he? He's going to be too cool for that! You might as well get used to it now!! Whats the worst that could happen? You're going to be in the very next room, and remember I have raised a son for 7 years, and he's only nearly died like 3 times, 4 tops! I've got this!!"

Since then he's been helping out quite a bit.

 

I guess the thing is, i'm falling back in love with him I never stopped being in love with him, and now i'm remembering all the things that made me fall in love with him in the first place.

I feel like he's been the one this whole time, I've never felt the way I did about him about anyone else.

 

Problem is, I cant say anhting can I? Because I know how it'll look: 'She's homonal', 'she's on the rebound', 'she's feeling insecure' and probably most of all 'she just wants a daddy for her little boy', that is what people will think, people can go to hell but my worry is that that's what he'll think too.

 

We were talking the other day, about long term career plans and he said "I'm thinking about going home" [Home. That's New Zealand. That's the complete opposite side of the world!]

I swear that my heart fell out of my chest. I think I'd feel more broken about the prospect of Cam going home than I did when my ex told me he was leaving. That's the truth.

 

He thinks that nothings happening here for him so maybe he should try heading home and I have no idea how to even begin to tell him that I don't want him to go and that I've loved him all along without it sounding like I want him to hang around because he was my plan B in case it didn't work out with my ex. But equally I cant stand by and watch him pack up and go and not say anything. That would be me making the exact same mistake again...

 

And that's kind of where i'm at right now

[Shepp]

We've been in quite regular contact since then I guess because, we have always got on like a house on fire but between him seeing someone else and me seeing someone else its been a bit weird but now its not

 

Why is this?

Why was it weird when you were with other people?

 

Because its always been more than just friends with you guys - right?

 

My read on this guy, from a fellow guys point of view?? - You don't hang out with a girl everyday, be her rock, look after her baby, do her favours if your not into her.

 

I've been there, i was 'friends' with a girl for a long time, i cooked her dinner, i watched movies for her, i went for picnics for her, i picked up groceries for her, i helped her when she locked herself out in the middle of the night. We were friends, but i was so in love with her.

 

If you ended the relationship before then a reconciliation has to come from you but personally I think this guy is calling out for you to tell him how you feel, he's as good as told you he's thinking of going because he hasnt got a reason to stay - You lost your relationship before because you didnt say anything when you should have? Are you going to do the same thing again?

 

Whats the worst that can happen? He says no and leaves? He's going anyway right?

If it was me i'd go for it.

 

 

I also think your sons name is super cool by the way!

[BackwardsHat]

Why is this?

Why was it weird when you were with other people?

 

Because its always been more than just friends with you guys - right?

 

My read on this guy, from a fellow guys point of view?? - You don't hang out with a girl everyday, be her rock, look after her baby, do her favours if your not into her.

 

I've been there, i was 'friends' with a girl for a long time, i cooked her dinner, i watched movies for her, i went for picnics for her, i picked up groceries for her, i helped her when she locked herself out in the middle of the night. We were friends, but i was so in love with her.

 

If you ended the relationship before then a reconciliation has to come from you but personally I think this guy is calling out for you to tell him how you feel, he's as good as told you he's thinking of going because he hasnt got a reason to stay - You lost your relationship before because you didnt say anything when you should have? Are you going to do the same thing again?

 

Whats the worst that can happen? He says no and leaves? He's going anyway right?

If it was me i'd go for it.

 

I also think your sons name is super cool by the way!

 

True true true!

Maybe he does still fill something, I know he did for a long time after we broke up, how he feels now I cant guarantee..

 

Its not that I'm not prepared to say anything, not this time, but its just the timing is so awful, even more so now he's told me he might go home. It looks like I was engaged to someone else and now we're over I just don't want Cam to go. Which isn't the case. At all.

 

I don't know how to tell him. How to make it clear that this Isn't some hormonal thing or rebound thing. This is how I feel, how I've felt all along!

[BackwardsHat]

and thank you

[Shepp]

Its not that I'm not prepared to say anything, not this time, but its just the timing is so awful, even more so now he's told me he might go home. It looks like I was engaged to someone else and now we're over I just don't want Cam to go. Which isn't the case. At all.

 

I don't know how to tell him. How to make it clear that this Isn't some hormonal thing or rebound thing. This is how I feel, how I've felt all along!

 

I think you're over thinking it.

I think you just tell him and let the chips fall where they may..

 

He's a big boy not a kid, and he already knows you've just had a baby and your relationships gone south and he's still choosing to hang around - he's got to know what that might mean - surely!

[BackwardsHat]

I think you're over thinking it.

I think you just tell him and let the chips fall where they may..

 

He's a big boy not a kid, and he already knows you've just had a baby and your relationships gone south and he's still choosing to hang around - he's got to know what that might mean - surely!

 

hmm yeah maybe maybe! I admit overthinking is a problem of mine.

[Toodaloo]

Pull your finger out and ask him out...

[Just a Guy]

Hi BackwardHat, like Shepp and Nike say, just do it! Don't make the same mistake twice over and just step off your high horse. You have everything to gain and nothing to lose. Cheers.

[fenix]

As long as he doesn't think that you left him to be with the dad of the baby you have a chance there... if he thinks that you left because you wanted to pursue the other guy and now that he didn't work out and you are alone with a baby you are going back to him so he can be the breadwinner then you have little to no chance... at least you wouldn't have it with me.

[BackwardsHat]

Pull your finger out and ask him out...

Haha okay okay, i hear you!

 

Hi BackwardHat, like Shepp and Nike say, just do it! Don't make the same mistake twice over and just step off your high horse. You have everything to gain and nothing to lose. Cheers.

True. I do understand that, I think i have grown up since we split up, I am prepared to put myself out there now, for him!

I just, i don't to blow it by laying it out there now and looking like, i dont know, like im just scared about doing this on my own, like he's my back up plan, i dont know. I don't think he would think that, but if he did we'd be over before we started.

 

But then i guess if he really does leave then we'd lose everything anyway!

 

As long as he doesn't think that you left him to be with the dad of the baby you have a chance there... if he thinks that you left because you wanted to pursue the other guy and now that he didn't work out and you are alone with a baby you are going back to him so he can be the breadwinner then you have little to no chance... at least you wouldn't have it with me.

No, i didnt even know my ex when i was still with Cam, i met him after we'd already split.

[jellybean824]

I can understand why you would be hesitant to express yourself to him. However, you made a mistake, and now you face the prospect of losing touch with him forever. Is that something you can live with? I'm sure you've heard the saying, "It's not the things we do that we regret; it's the chances we never take." How will you know his feelings unless you speak up? Sure, you could get hurt, but at least you will KNOW. I'm a big proponent of being honest and getting things out in the open. Communication is so important. Do the courageous thing. You never know unless you try.