This is hurting me so much

[vb140]

My (ex) boyfriend and I had a long chat last Monday about his doubts, mainly the fact ive got a little boy who is almost 6 but also saying he feels he's not getting anything out of the relationship and wants someone who can talk to him about work etc..

 

We texted a bit after that but he was being off with me so I phoned him on Thursday morning, he was on a train to London so ended up hanging up on me after telling me how annoyed he was that id spoke to a female mutual friend about what was going on and her husband had text him asking if he needed a chat.

He ended up telling me that he needs space and wants us to go on a break through a text message and since then i have fallen apart.

Im not eating, im crying all the time, i constantly feel sick, everything reminds me of him, im not coping well at all.

 

The thing is, I know the relationship was wrong even though he took me on lovely meals out, took me to New York, took me to Dubai, he made me laugh, he was big and i found him really attractive,he made me feel special and i enjoyed every minute that i spent with him.

 

He didn't like the fact i had a little boy and would put him and his dad down. He would call him melon head, gayboy and call him a girl which upset my little boy. He thought my boy was naughty and would constantly be on his back telling him to do or not to do certain things that wee actually quite harmless, he was just being a 5 year old little boy.

 

I also started to see controlling behaviour such as outting my friends down, not liking it when i go on my phone, getting in a mood if i didnt answer his call straight away and acuse me of being 'out somewhere' he would get annoyed with me if another man spoke to me whilst we were out and if i was on facetime to him and i had messages come through which were usually from my mum or sister, he would get moody and tell me to ring him back once i'd replied.

 

He would go out drinking until 5am and not contact me at all yet he'd snap chat his whole night on to his story, if i did that he would go mad.

He also has 2/3 female friends who hes known for years, he sees them once every couple of months and has a bg night out with them where they spend the night in onee of their houses and then all slob about together on the Sunday together with a hangover. He takes pics of them for his snap chat story yet i didnt hear from him all day, but had a missed call when he got back home and was drunk.

 

Nothing is never his fault, we have had some big drunk arguments which are all down to his jealousy yet i'm the one who apologises and makes up otherwise he would just ignore me and there would be tension.

He accused me once of not trusting him just because i went to his phone when it rang? then was off with me all night.

 

The thing is despite all of this, i bloody love him!! I adore him and i miss him in my life. How am i supposed to get through this when all i can think of are the good times. Im struggling to leave the house at the moment.

 

Thank you

[Toodaloo]

So he basically brought you with expensive holidays and "stuff".

 

Your love language is clearly gifts. but you are not seeing the bigger picture.

 

Imagine if one of your friends came to you and said the following;

 

I have been dating this really great guy. He calls my son all the names under the sun and is really nasty to him. He also speaks to me like I am a piece of dirt and says nasty things about my friends and family. He really belittles me and tell me what to do.

 

You would look at her and ask her why this guy was so great wouldn't you...

 

OK so read down

[Toodaloo]

he feels he's not getting anything out of the relationship and wants someone who can talk to him about work etc..

 

We texted a bit after that but he was being off with me so I phoned him on Thursday morning, he was on a train to London so ended up hanging up on me after telling me how annoyed he was

 

He ended up telling me that he needs space and wants us to go on a break through a text message

 

The thing is, I know the relationship was wrong

 

He didn't like the fact i had a little boy and would put him and his dad down. He would call him melon head, gayboy and call him a girl which upset my little boy. He thought my boy was naughty and would constantly be on his back telling him to do or not to do certain things that were actually quite harmless, he was just being a 5 year old little boy.

 

I also started to see controlling behaviour

 

He would go out drinking until 5am and not contact me at all

 

Nothing is never his fault, we have had some big drunk arguments which are all down to his jealousy yet i'm the one who apologises and makes up otherwise he would just ignore me and there would be tension.

 

He accused me once of not trusting him just because i went to his phone when it rang? then was off with me all night.

 

Just read that again...

 

This bloke is probably shagging other women.

 

He is rude to everyone you know including yourself.

 

He is vile towards your son... your child... and you are OK with that?

 

He is vile to your family, your friends... and you are OK with that?

 

Ditch him. Do not answer any more calls, do not facetime, snap chat, facebook, instagram and or whatever else it is the cool kids do these days.

 

If you can't be bothered to do it for yourself at least do it for your son...

[Wade Lamare]

I'm sorry.

 

He sounds like a total bellend and you're better off without him.

 

Is he 14?

 

There are far far better blokes out there.

[sooshi]

My (ex) boyfriend and I had a long chat last Monday about his doubts

 

 

The thing is, I know the relationship was wrong even though he took me on lovely meals out, took me to New York, took me to Dubai, he made me laugh, he was big and i found him really attractive,he made me feel special and i enjoyed every minute that i spent with him.

 

He didn't like the fact i had a little boy and would put him and his dad down. He would call him melon head, gayboy and call him a girl which upset my little boy. He thought my boy was naughty and would constantly be on his back telling him to do or not to do certain things that wee actually quite harmless, he was just being a 5 year old little boy.

 

I also started to see controlling behaviour such as outting my friends down, not liking it when i go on my phone, getting in a mood if i didnt answer his call straight away and acuse me of being 'out somewhere' he would get annoyed with me if another man spoke to me whilst we were out and if i was on facetime to him and i had messages come through which were usually from my mum or sister, he would get moody and tell me to ring him back once i'd replied.

 

He would go out drinking until 5am and not contact me at all yet he'd snap chat his whole night on to his story, if i did that he would go mad.

He also has 2/3 female friends who hes known for years, he sees them once every couple of months and has a bg night out with them where they spend the night in onee of their houses and then all slob about together on the Sunday together with a hangover. He takes pics of them for his snap chat story yet i didnt hear from him all day, but had a missed call when he got back home and was drunk.

Nothing is never his fault, we have had some big drunk arguments which are all down to his jealousy yet i'm the one who apologises and makes up otherwise he would just ignore me and there would be tension.

He accused me once of not trusting him just because i went to his phone when it rang? then was off with me all night.

 

I just highlighted everything in your post about why you KNOW this relationship was wrong (read: toxic). I highlighted almost everything in your post.

 

You don't love the guy. You're dependent on him. Is this the kind of person you want for a role model for your son? For how a man treats a child? For how a man treats a woman?

 

He abuses your son, abuses you, doesn't respect you or consider your feelings (or your son's), and you love him?

 

No. You don't love yourself. You interpret attention (gifts, dinners) as love. But notice that you speak mostly about his actions that have been hurtful. That made up the majority of your post.

 

Dump the clown. If you can't do it for yourself, then do it for your son. Do want your son to grow up in the presence of this man, and to internalize the man's behaviours as the way a man behaves, and behave as this excuse of a man does? Do you want your son putting down his future children, other women, spending the night drinking, not respecting you or other women?

 

If not, then YOU need to set a boundary. Tell this man that this isn't working for you and that you need to go no contact. Tell your son that this man won't be a part of your lives anymore and that he is no good for either of you. Set the boundary, and then enforce it. If not for yourself, then for your son. Otherwise, you're just a part of the abuse pattern if you keep allowing this.

[AT15]

I'm sorry you're feeling down about this man possibly leaving you. I don't think that will happen, tho. He sounds like an emotional abuser. He is abusing you and your son. Your little baby who can't defend himself and needs you to defend him. But, you are in love with his abuser.

 

What do you make of that? In so many years when your son begins self medicating due to the bullying and emotional abuse from this punk you call a man, what are you going.to do?

 

This man is a cowardly punk. Men who pick on children and women are punks.

 

Please get out of this love you have for this man. He is going to ruin your self esteem...and your child's self esteem.

[vb140]

Thank you for the responses! Of course i don't want that for my son! Don't get me wrong, its not all bad, he has played football with him and taken him trampolining etc... he just doesnt want to be around him as he thinks hes naughty. My son actually really likes him :-(

 

The good times were not just him buying me nice things, i enjoyed his company and he made me laugh. He knew me really well and we both enjoyed the same things.

I would always look forward to the weekend when i was going to see him as he lives 2.5 hours away.

 

Now i feel lost, empty and like ive got nothing in life to keep me going apart from my family and little boy.

 

I think he has ended it for good, we have had no contact now for 4 days.

[marky00]

I think he has ended it for good, we have had no contact now for 4 days.

 

So I guess that means 3 months NC equates to it being ended for good. Oh well.

[Redhead14]

My (ex) boyfriend and I had a long chat last Monday about his doubts, mainly the fact ive got a little boy who is almost 6 but also saying he feels he's not getting anything out of the relationship and wants someone who can talk to him about work etc..

 

We texted a bit after that but he was being off with me so I phoned him on Thursday morning, he was on a train to London so ended up hanging up on me after telling me how annoyed he was that id spoke to a female mutual friend about what was going on and her husband had text him asking if he needed a chat.

He ended up telling me that he needs space and wants us to go on a break through a text message and since then i have fallen apart.

Im not eating, im crying all the time, i constantly feel sick, everything reminds me of him, im not coping well at all.

 

The thing is, I know the relationship was wrong even though he took me on lovely meals out, took me to New York, took me to Dubai, he made me laugh, he was big and i found him really attractive,he made me feel special and i enjoyed every minute that i spent with him.

 

He didn't like the fact i had a little boy and would put him and his dad down. He would call him melon head, gayboy and call him a girl which upset my little boy. He thought my boy was naughty and would constantly be on his back telling him to do or not to do certain things that wee actually quite harmless, he was just being a 5 year old little boy.

 

I also started to see controlling behaviour such as outting my friends down, not liking it when i go on my phone, getting in a mood if i didnt answer his call straight away and acuse me of being 'out somewhere' he would get annoyed with me if another man spoke to me whilst we were out and if i was on facetime to him and i had messages come through which were usually from my mum or sister, he would get moody and tell me to ring him back once i'd replied.

 

He would go out drinking until 5am and not contact me at all yet he'd snap chat his whole night on to his story, if i did that he would go mad.

He also has 2/3 female friends who hes known for years, he sees them once every couple of months and has a bg night out with them where they spend the night in onee of their houses and then all slob about together on the Sunday together with a hangover. He takes pics of them for his snap chat story yet i didnt hear from him all day, but had a missed call when he got back home and was drunk.

 

Nothing is never his fault, we have had some big drunk arguments which are all down to his jealousy yet i'm the one who apologises and makes up otherwise he would just ignore me and there would be tension.

He accused me once of not trusting him just because i went to his phone when it rang? then was off with me all night.

 

The thing is despite all of this, i bloody love him!! I adore him and i miss him in my life. How am i supposed to get through this when all i can think of are the good times. Im struggling to leave the house at the moment.

 

Thank you

 

You don't love HIM, you love the vision you have for being in a relationship and want that so bad as to ignore/dismiss/accept bad behavior and treatment. On top of all this, you are missing the fact that your son is your #1 priority and that, you are responsible for his well being, physically and emotionally. You need to put aside your own personal and dysfunctional needs for a relationship with this man and focus on the fact that he was emotionally abusing your son and is not a good role model for him.

 

How am i supposed to get through this when all i can think of are the good times. -- Stop thinking about the good times. His behavior and treatment of your son far outweighs any good times you've had. See him for who he is -- an inappropriate role model for your son and a poor partner for you.

 

Get real with yourself and realize that you cannot be the mother your son needs if you are allowing yourself to become so emotionally drained by this situation. Any emotion you waste on the loss of this man takes away from the emotional devotion you should be giving to your son and yourself.

 

Allow yourself to grieve, but do it in little bits so that you don't become overwhelmed. Set aside a period of time each day, say 1/2 an hour, to sit with your emotions and release them. At the end of that time, you force yourself to do something, anything that distracts you from all that and gets you focused on the things that need to be done, things you enjoy doing and taking care of all your sons needs.

[LostOnes05]

He sounds like a jerk to me. Why would you let a man refer to your son in such a manner? Whether he likes it or not, that child is a part of you. If he couldn't handle that, he shouldn't have been involved with you in the first place. Get your head screwed back on straight and remember that your child comes before any man. It's one thing to be protective of your partner and another to be emotionally abusive. This guy is emotionally abusive and it won't get better. Your son will eventually realize it as he gets older and grow to resent both of you.

[Toodaloo]

ive got nothing in life to keep me going apart from my family and little boy.

 

Sounds like that is a good enough reason to live to me...

 

Do not contact this guy again and if he contacts you... don't answer...

 

This is no way to live...

[sooshi]

Don't get me wrong, its not all bad, he has played football with him and taken him trampolining etc... he just doesnt want to be around him as he thinks hes naughty. My son actually really likes him :-(

 

The good times were not just him buying me nice things, i enjoyed his company and he made me laugh. He knew me really well and we both enjoyed the same things.

I would always look forward to the weekend when i was going to see him as he lives 2.5 hours away.

 

Now i feel lost, empty and like ive got nothing in life to keep me going apart from my family and little boy.

 

I think he has ended it for good, we have had no contact now for 4 days.

 

Guess what? You can be with someone who can offer you company, make you laugh, play football and on the trampoline with your son who also treats you both with respect. This man doesn't even have the basic standard decency to be kind.

 

You say your son really likes him. That's probably because he hasn't had another role model of a man to be around. The more time he spends with this abusive man, the more he will learn to be like him--he's going put down others, drink all night, not respond to your messages in any respectful manner. You say this man has been having doubts. The question is, why aren't YOU having doubts?

 

Don't speak to this man again. Allowing him into your life is only damaging you and your son. If you really don't want that, then you need to take action and show it. Talk is not enough.

 

Get into therapy and focus on developing a loving relationship with yourself. Develop self-respect and self-worth so THAT is what your son can see and internalize. He needs to see and learn what love is, not what abuse, toxicity, and dependency are... which is what this abusive man bringing into both of your lives.

[PrincessWarrior1]

Get rid of that loser!! He is mean to your baby! Your baby!! You don't get a second chance to go back. They grow up and that's it. I'd give anything to go back to those days when my son was 6. Please just start going out to playgrounds and doing fun stuff with your baby. Take him to fun places and enjoy your life please, you can't ever go back and you will want to die remembering how you lost those years and let your child be neglected over a piece of **** guy who like others have said is most likely cheating on you or very likely will in the future.

 

After a month of NC you will feel better. You're peace of mind and self esteem will return and then you can go live your life and make memories with your baby. Take lots of pictures and videos.

[hippychick3]

As a parent, I am not going to sugarcoat this...

 

This is the role model you'd choose for your son? You want your son, your BABY, to grow up thinking this is how a man should treat a woman? You were teaching your son exactly that and allowing him to be verbally abused by this jerk.

 

As a parent, you OWE it to your child to take care of him and protect him from men like this. How terribly sad and disgraceful that you subjected him to that kind of treatment.

[BluesPower]

No just forget all the "not so bad" crap. He is jealous of your son. And he is a creep in general.

 

You should be ashamed of yourself for letting any of that crap go on in the first place. Did you not understand what was going on? Or did you just enjoy the rich BF.

 

Look, your kids, for now and always are and should be the most important thing in your life. And any man that actually loves you should also love your child. How do you not get that?

 

You need to let this creep go and get your priorities in order.

 

And so you know, I have 3 children and I know a few things about raising kids.

[stillafool]

If he doesn't like your son it was a deal breaker from the start. I don't know how you could want to be with someone who treated your kid like that. I think you should be glad he's gone.

[aj2124]

I believe whatever feelings you are experiencing are the aftermath of being in an abusive relationship. From his end, I don't see that any love was shown. Perhaps your ideals for healthy relationships have been skewed. I would really focus on readjusting your perspective because that is the underlying issue. This person does not hold any magical power over you and it will take time to see the relationship for what it was. In the mean time, I would take precautions to ensure that you do not allow yourself to fall into the trap again. If not for yourself, then for your son. I will be praying that you find peace and healing from this situation. God is able to change your perspective and show you what real love is if you will let Him. I know because He did this for me and I'm praying he does the same for you.