Girlfriend of 3 and 3/4 years suddenly broke up with me.

[Jmayne]

My ex and I are both 23 years old and known each other prior to dating through highschool. Our relationship as a whole as been fantastic. There wasn't a problem that we haven't been able to sit down and work out together through good communication. Our love life was great and the relationship was full of affection and trust.

 

Last weekend I while talking to her through facebook she told me that she has been having some bad feelings about the relationship and is unsure how she feels about things. I pried into what the issues are and what was on her mind. She seemed confused and eventually mentioned she was thinking about having a break. I asked her several times if she wanted to break up with me and she said I think so. Upon telling me that I went around to her place that night to meet her and talk it out. This was the first time something like this had ever happened and was totally unexpected.

 

I was quite emotional and did cry while talking as I didn't understand where this was coming from. She told me that she had been having these feelings for the past 3 weeks but was unsure of them and didn't mention them. In not communicating them she said they festered. I was upset with her that she didn't attempt to tackle this sooner and she apologized multiple times about it.We talked things out and wrote down the issues that she was having with the relationship and began making a plan to work to make things better. She seemed happy with this and we cuddled, made some good love and spooned our way happily to sleep that night.

 

We hung out the next day and all seemed well but a day or two later when we met again she brought it back up with me with the idea of having a break. I again opposed this idea and said to her that we should at least give it a shot at working things out together first to see how that goes as I was very uncomfortable with the idea of a break. Again she agreed with me and apologized, with us both making up and promising one another to give this a good shot to work things out.

 

The week went on and we were in regular communication with one another at one point her sending me a old picture from our trip to thailand of myself next to a heart in the sand that I drew with our initials in it, this was accompanied with a I love you! Things seemed like they were going well and were allgood. We had planned to meet up the next day and I was going to cook dinner for her. She text me saying that she might not be able to make it that night because she was helping a friend to prepare for an event that she was hosting the next day and that it had already been organized the week prior. I initially was a bit soppy about this and did guilt her but then told her that i was sorry for doing that and that i was just in a bit of a fragile state. She said that it was no worry and she understands leaving things seeming allgood. She text me later that night saying "still working getting some cheesecakes made, will see you tomorrow my love xxxxxxxxx"

 

I responded and let her know that was allgood and then told her about my day and a bunch of things that I had been up2. I mentioned that I had picked her a bunch of flowers from around the area and wrote her a love letter. She never responded to this. I didn't think too much of it and went to bed.

 

The next day we were meant to go to this event she was helping her friend to get ready for, so i had tried to call her several times to establish what the plan was and when we were going ect. I got no response from her. around the late afternoon that day I got a text from her saying "I don't want to mislead you. I don't want to be in a relationship with you anymore." I messaged her on Facebook telling her I got her text and we briefly chatted in which I asked if there was someone else with her saying "no".

 

This broke my heart and i left work to go around and try sneak in the flowers and love letter I wrote to her at her house before she got back from work (in a panicked emotional state). When i arrived i was surprised to find her wrapped up in her bed in her room. She told me she was sick and left work early. We talked for about 15 mins in which i sobbed a way a bit and asked a bunch of stupid things like " are you going to take all these pictures of us down?" (which there are tons of) and do you think that there's a chance we can still sort this out? which she said maby. she was holding my hand while we talked and squeezed it hard when I was saying gut wrenching things about how I care for and that I wish that we could just try and give this a chance sorting out. She just told me she wasn't able to do this right now as she felt too ill. I reinitiated the idea of having a break to try and defuse the more harsh break up text she had sent earlier in an attempt to make things not so final and she agreed. As she was feeling Ill and not up for talking at that time I made sure to leave and not hang around. as I left she said that she would call me soon to talk blowing each other a kiss (an old habbit we had)

 

Against my moral willpower I ended up logging into her Facebook as her in an attempt to find some answers. I found a conversation that she had recently had with her sister which involved her saying "is **** the one that you're seeing?" this person being a recent Facebook friend she added. This only further broke my heart but at the same time seems to help with putting the puzzle together though i don't know the extent of their relationship and if it is anything at all. I'm sure hes contributed to her confusion but she has only met him within the last few weeks through her sisters flatmates so there shouldn't be much there between them.

 

Today is the 4th day since the break up text message and I've made an effort to not smother her in messages or calls or anything of the like however on day three after discovering this other potential player I did message her yesterday asking if she would be willing to have a chat sometime to help me understand what has happened. She replied telling me that she would be cool with doing that. we are yet to solidify a time to do so. So here I am, completely heartbroken not really knowing what has happened and how this so suddenly took this fatal turn. I want this meet up to be a pleasant one and will be doing my best to keep my emotions at bay. I wanted to keep up the N/C but I feel that I need to properly understand from her what went wrong so that I can stop speculating.

 

PHEW

 

Sorry about how large this is, I just needed to make sure that people could properly understand the circumstances. I do strongly believe that she has feelings for me and does love me but that she is confused and conflicted with what she wants and has gone and made a rash in the moment decision to break it off. I love her and still have hope that this can be worked out eventually but I feel that she will need to be given space and time to properly reflect and begin to miss what we had, we were best friends!

 

In the meantime I've been focusing on getting into better shape and working on developing myself and my hobbies but damn this is hard! Thank you for your time for reading this if you can be bothered. Any insight and advice into this situation would be greatly appreciated

 

Thankyou!

Edited October 18, 2016 by Jmayne

[fromheart]

Sorry that you're going through a hard time right now.

 

You've only got one option and its not an easy one. Completely walk away from this situation. There's no point in meeting her, she's made up her mind and she's gone.

 

You wanting to talk to her about things, wanting to work it all out, needing an explanation, is just confirming to her that you are weak and she's making the right decision.

 

She has complete power over you right now, the only way you can re address this is to disappear.

 

Its not easy, but you reaching out to her is going to make things a lot more difficult. So continue to look after yourself, endure and it will get very much better day by day.

[ExpatInItaly]

I agree with above poster.

 

Don't meet up to try to get answers, closure, what have you. She's already decided and is testing out someone new.

 

This isn't to say she won't ever come back, but it won't happen unless and until she feels your absence.

 

I know you feel it was a rash decision, but usually it's not. She might not have even realized how emotionally or romantically disconnected she felt from you until this new guy showed up. Rational? No. But it happens, especially when you're both young. We evolve so much in our 20s and it's often a time of exploration, including romantic partners.

 

It won't be easy, but you need to disappear from her life. She might realize she has made a mistake, or she might realize a break-up was indeed for the best. Either way, you need to go into self-preservation mode which includes a lot of time and space away from her.

[Jmayne]

Thank you for your response.

 

I regret that I asked her if she would be available to meet up and talk sometime.

 

the last thing i said to her after she responded was something along the lines of " sweet as, let me know when you think you'll be available "

 

I cringe at this as I throw the ball further into her park.

If and when she gets back to me, how do you think I should respond? After messaging her I instantly had second thoughts about this meetup and think that it is too soon and the fact that I was the one that initiated it doesn't help. In my head this meet up was not in an attempt to try and repair things but to get a better understanding from her as to what happened and why.

 

I had some questions lined up like " Can you help me understand your thinking behind what happened because I don't properly understand" , " Why did you not feel that this was worth giving a shot to work out?" or "why was this something that you felt we were not able to fix?". I would then just take in her response, reminding myself to be strong and calm then part ways continuing N/C for the foreseeable future. This meetup idea goes against nearly everything I read online but I just felt that this break up doesn't exactly fit into the typical break up conditions and that It would help me move on if I got some clearer reasoning from her and a way to end things on better terms.

 

Do I just outright ignore her next response or do I tell her something like " I'm having second thoughts about meeting up, I still need some time to myself" Would I message her this prior to her response or after?

 

Again thank you for your insight.

 

Cheers

[aloneinaz]

Agree with the other poster. There's nothing left to do but pick yourself up, dust off, heal and move on with your life.

 

Young relationships like yours seem to always flame out after a couple of years of dating and end in the early 20's. Why? Usually one or the other realizes they need to be single and enjoy dating others. They want to try on different folks and personalities and see who's a good fit for when they settle down in the future. Most kids your age really should sow their oats and have many relationships before getting married. Understand that everyone has the right to end a relationship when it's not working for them. Most people in their lives have done so.

 

What you should do now? Save face. Find your pride. Don't contact her again. There's no reason to. "If" she texts you, I'd reply "hey, I've accepted your decision to end it and am moving on with my life". Tell her you wish her all the best. Then, vanish. Change your phone number or block hers. Read the NC thread above. She kicked you out of her life. Provide that to her. You don't owe her any further communication or contact. It sounds harsh or even vindictive but it's not. It's for you to heal and move on. Absolutely DON'T have those romantic thoughts of her running back to you in a couple of months and you'll live happily ever after. "IF" you did both try again in a few months, it would only have the same results. Reconciliations rarely work. This site is littered w/so many new posts each day where people broke up and got back together multiple times w/the same result. The final break up was what brought them here.

 

You need to worry about what's best for YOU now. Cutting all contact, blocking her on social media, out of sight, out of mind and time passing is the only thing that will make you feel better. When you're up to it down the road, get out and date others. You're young! Have fun.

Edited October 18, 2016 by aloneinaz

[Jmayne]

Thankyou for your feedback everyone, its good to get some perspective.

 

She just messaged me today asking when I would be available to meet up suggesting potentially this Thursday arvo after i finish work.

 

I have not replied and am obviously conflicted with how to approach this as this situation is so fresh. All relationship councilers would tell me to jump on this opportunity to see what we can work out but many people over the internet disagree and are all about the N/C. I don't want to entirely remove this person from my life at this stage as we have very close mutual friends and I wont be able to avoid seeing her throughout my future. I am wondering how to reply to this as I was the one who foolishly initiated this meetup.

 

It's crossed my mind to either ignore it, tell her that ive had second thoughts and don't want to or to just get it out of the way then continue N/C for the foreseeable future until I'm completely over her.

 

I don't want to make things sour by going ahead and blocking her form social media and what not as I feel that will only add drama into the situation that I don't think is necessary. I'm already beginning to heal and have been working hard on improving myself for me.

 

At this stage I still have strong feelings for her and want to rekindle what we had but I know that it is far to soon for something to like that to happen and properly work.

[RyanO1991]

Sounds very similar to the situation I was in - similar length of relationship, sudden breakup, another guy involved (possibly, in your case).

 

To me, it sounds like you've been poorly treated if this other guy is involved - you've clearly shown loyalty and commitment and you've done everything you can. It's unfair that she ended things by text and didn't have the guts to actually talk face to face.

 

Moving on was the best thing I ever did, but before I did I told her exactly how I felt and how poorly I think she had treated me. I didn't get a response but it helped me move on.

 

If there are things you need to say, meet her. But don't expect to get back with her. Hate to say it, but it sounds like it's pretty certain that's not going to happen. She needs to initiate it herself if she starts missing you.

 

If you've said everything you've needed to say, NC is the way to go. Not gonna lie - it'll hurt like hell but it does get easier. Don't expect the progress to be smooth because there will be times you think you're through it but will be thrown back a little.

 

Stay strong and remember to visit here to talk if you want to.

Edited October 18, 2016 by RyanO1991

[fromheart]

Well, I'd advise just telling her you can't make it and for her to contact you if she changes her mind about the relationship.

 

She's ended it with you, and this meeting is really just going to prolong the pain.

 

It's good of you to not want to make things sour, but she dumped you which is pretty much as sour as it gets, and that was her decision.

 

Maybe you've got to experience this for yourself so if you do go and meet her, use the opportunity to tell her to her face that you're fully moving on, you're not interested in friendship and she can contact you if she changes her mind.

 

Then walk away from her and never contact her again.

 

That'll give you back a lot of your power, but only if you stick with it. At the worst she will respect you deeply.

[aloneinaz]

 

I have not replied and am obviously conflicted with how to approach this as this situation is so fresh.

 

Again, my suggestion is to nicely reply that you've thought it over and are going to pass on this meetup. You've accepted her decision and now simply want to move on with your life. If she starts texting you about why or anything else, tell her you have to run and stop replying.

 

 

All relationship councilers would tell me to jump on this opportunity to see what we can work out but many people over the internet disagree and are all about the N/C.

 

 

There's nothing to work out. She made her decision to end it. Let's say she changed her mind in a week, a month or 3 months from now. What would change? The short honeymoon phase would end and you'd get dumped again.

 

 

I don't want to entirely remove this person from my life at this stage as we have very close mutual friends and I wont be able to avoid seeing her throughout my future. I am wondering how to reply to this as I was the one who foolishly initiated this meetup.

 

The experienced folks like myself will all tell you that vanishing and going NC is all about YOU. She ended it. You have no obligation to have further contact w/her. Everyone is fearful of never talking to their ex again right after a breakup. Are emotions are high and we're upset. For the folks that do NC, by 6 months, they have no desire to ever speak to their ex again. Why would they? They don't hate them, they just know the person is from their past and want to leave them there. I have several ex's from the past few decades. I rarely even think about any of them anymore. GF's/BF's are just like best friends. One day your buddy is your best pal. A year later, you realize you've lost contact with him. People simply share parts of your life and then move on.

 

 

 

I don't want to make things sour by going ahead and blocking her form social media and what not as I feel that will only add drama into the situation that I don't think is necessary. I'm already beginning to heal and have been working hard on improving myself for me.

 

Again, you need to understand that you shouldn't care about how she views anything. She's not you GF anymore. She is the person who wanted to move on to other guys. Blocking the ex on social media is for YOU to heal. You say it below that you still have strong feelings for her. So, you spy on her FB and see she's hanging out and kissing some new guy. How's that going to help you get over her? She's emotionally over you where you're still shocked that it's over and are emotional. So, her having contact w/you doesn't phase her. To you, it's very emotional. See?

 

The whole point of NC is to quickly get them out of sight, out of mind. You're not seeing them, their pictures, social media nor or you having any contact with them. This is the only PROVEN thing to help folks navigate through a tough break up the quickest. The folks who do the exact opposite are the ones who "can't get over my ex" after months of limited contact, spying on their ex's social media and they keep doing all these same, wrong steps.

 

The choice is yours my man.

[BluesPower]

FM is totally correct. Walk away and just let it go.

 

She is gone. And all the flowers and crying in the world will not help.

 

It make you look totally weak. I am not sure there is anything in the world that women hate than a weak man.

 

Just move on. Over time you will heal.

 

Good luck...

[fromheart]

 

It make you look totally weak. I am not sure there is anything in the world that women hate than a weak man.

 

 

This is very true.

[HumanMachine]

She's seeing someone else. PLEASE do not waste any more time on this woman. NC and move on!