olivetree Posted October 21, 2016 Posted October 21, 2016 But again, be careful about focusing too much on the future. Who cares if he is saying he's ready to have a family in a year or two, if he isn't willing to make you a full part of his life now... those actions take precedence over the words. The cheque is always in the mail and the sign says free beer tomorrow, but what is he doing today, after one year of being together to make you part of his life. (And calling you all the time and telling you he loves, is not that, it's what he had previously with his long distance relationships.) This is what I was saying as well. Even if he was ready to get married tomorrow, it doesn't matter. This isn't a great relationship where marriage should be considered right now. You need to get to that place first. I must have missed the part where you and your bf have to meet somewhere neutral (not each other's places) to see each other that Gaeta mentioned. That seems highly suspicious.
Author Miss_Emily Posted October 21, 2016 Author Posted October 21, 2016 * 1 year dating * Only 1 date a week * Apparently if you want to spend a weekend together you have to find a place for that why? Why you can't go to his place? why he can't go to yours? * Not met the family = You are the other woman. You are his hidden little dirty secret. He drops hints here and there about future just to keep you hanging. I have been in your shoes. The man ended up being married and not only he was married but he had 2 mistresses, me and another one. I understand how you got this impression, but he isn't married. We spent every Saturday night together (just don't sleep at each other's places) and talk every night. I have been to his place numerous times, when his parents are not there. We both live with family, that's why we have to go away to stay together overnight.
Author Miss_Emily Posted October 21, 2016 Author Posted October 21, 2016 But again, be careful about focusing too much on the future. Who cares if he is saying he's ready to have a family in a year or two, if he isn't willing to make you a full part of his life now... those actions take precedence over the words. The cheque is always in the mail and the sign says free beer tomorrow, but what is he doing today, after one year of being together to make you part of his life. (And calling you all the time and telling you he loves, is not that, it's what he had previously with his long distance relationships.) I need to tell him in some way, that we need to move forward the relationship.I'm afraid, that due to the fact that his longest relationship was long distance and he had been single for two years after their break up, he never really learned how to have a proper committed relationship. Even today, we talked on the phone and he was telling me how he wished he had finished work earlier on Thursday so he could pick me up from my job and take me out. Today, he finished work early and he didn't come over because we are going to see each other tomorrow.So I told him " Would it be so horrible to see each other two nights in a row? " to which he replied " I thought since we are going to see each other tomorrow, I should rest today." Go figure... Either he is telling the truth, or he's playing me and he had another date. Funny when I met him, I thought this is a man I can count on. Now I doubt everything.
Timshel Posted October 21, 2016 Posted October 21, 2016 At this point, your relationship is not moving forward. The why is troubling you. Why isn't your relationship progressing, naturally, toward marriage and family? Why are you feeling uncomfortable....need to 'suggest' a progression? You have a question, but I would like to ask you, Miss Emily, would you be content to tell your bf of a year to please move things forward...or else?
Author Miss_Emily Posted October 21, 2016 Author Posted October 21, 2016 At this point, your relationship is not moving forward. The why is troubling you. Why isn't your relationship progressing, naturally, toward marriage and family? Why are you feeling uncomfortable....need to 'suggest' a progression? You have a question, but I would like to ask you, Miss Emily, would you be content to tell your bf of a year to please move things forward...or else? If things do not move forward, I will break up with him. I also booked an appointment with a therapist next week, so she could help me with how to talk about what I need from him and our relationship.
Timshel Posted October 21, 2016 Posted October 21, 2016 Ok, that's good. Go for yourself though, not necessarily to learn how to 'talk' to him about what you want. I can tell you that for free...say it. Say what you want, expect, need and if he runs screaming, there ya go. If he says how soon and in what way can we make this happen as a team...there it is. If, however, you are fearful of posing the question and accepting the answer...therapy is the best route, for yourself. 1
olivetree Posted October 21, 2016 Posted October 21, 2016 Agree with Timshel, just communicate your feelings, rather than "we need to do this or that." Something along the lines of: "I feel like our relationship isn't progressing. I would like to spend more time together and be more included in each others lives. Ultimately I want to be working towards building a life together. What are you looking for?"
Gaeta Posted October 21, 2016 Posted October 21, 2016 He hasn't been married before, he has had an 8 year relationship but they were long-distance. Here is your answer. He is 38 yo and living with his parents. Why are YOU living with your parents at 34!! His last relationship lasted 8 years and it was long distance. That means that in 8 years he never progressed the relationship. What makes you think he will progress a relationship of 1 year with you.
Author Miss_Emily Posted October 22, 2016 Author Posted October 22, 2016 Here is your answer. He is 38 yo and living with his parents. Why are YOU living with your parents at 34!! His last relationship lasted 8 years and it was long distance. That means that in 8 years he never progressed the relationship. What makes you think he will progress a relationship of 1 year with you. It's a cultural thing here. Unmarried people usually live with their families.I live with family due to health issues, I'm helping them with. I see your point, however, his previous gf, never talked about marriage with him. I'm just going to talk to him about it, and if it's not what he wants, we'll go our separate ways. I'm not imagining he wants to move forward the relationship. He can do whatever he wants, but I'm not going to be wasting my time.
SoleMate Posted October 22, 2016 Posted October 22, 2016 There's no time to waste. Talk to him immediately. Don't bother to shade or temper your words......honesty about your needs is the best policy. If your honest request form answers and commitment should happen to drive him away, IMO that's a good outcome as it gives you the clarity you need for your future.
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