Miss_Emily Posted October 18, 2016 Posted October 18, 2016 Hello everyone! I'm new here and would like some support as to how to navigate this. I've been going out with my bf for a year and I'm ready to move to the next stage of out relationship. I'm almost 34 and would like to start a family. However, I'm not sure I know if he's on the same page as I am. He had said he is, but his actions do not really match up. (for example he hasn't introduced me to his parents.) How do you think I should ask him about his intentions? I believe that if we continue dating like we are now, it can take ages for him to bring it up. Also, we aren't living together if that's any help. We see each other once a week and he's 38.
fenix Posted October 18, 2016 Posted October 18, 2016 Hello everyone! I'm new here and would like some support as to how to navigate this. I've been going out with my bf for a year and I'm ready to move to the next stage of out relationship. I'm almost 34 and would like to start a family. However, I'm not sure I know if he's on the same page as I am. He had said he is, but his actions do not really match up. (for example he hasn't introduced me to his parents.) How do you think I should ask him about his intentions? I believe that if we continue dating like we are now, it can take ages for him to bring it up. Also, we aren't living together if that's any help. We see each other once a week and he's 38. I think you should ask him honestly and directly, you should not allow him to keep stringing you along any longer... if he has not introduced you to his family after a year I see a huge red flag there... 2
Author Miss_Emily Posted October 18, 2016 Author Posted October 18, 2016 Thanks! I've been talking to a lot of my friends about it and they all said exactly what you said, that the fact that he hadn't introduced me is a red flag. I have asked him about it and he said that his parents know we are together. We just celebrated out 1 year anniversary I was expecting a ring but nothing. I'm so dissapointed...
JewelD Posted October 18, 2016 Posted October 18, 2016 You haven't met his family, why would you be expecting a ring? 5
Author Miss_Emily Posted October 18, 2016 Author Posted October 18, 2016 Because we have talked about it before and we said that our goal was to create a family if all goes well. Also, he is a very private person and I just thought that telling them was a step before introducing me. Still, that day never came.
Gloria25 Posted October 18, 2016 Posted October 18, 2016 Because we have talked about it before and we said that our goal was to create a family if all goes well. Also, he is a very private person and I just thought that telling them was a step before introducing me. Still, that day never came. I'm assuming that you've been having sex for a year with this guy. So, how can you be so heck bent on starting a family with a guy that you're having fear and/or communicating with - yet can have intimacy/sex with? I'm sorry, but either you "think" he was on board with your plan to get married or you need to stop beating around the bush. Men are direct, they respect strength. You need to sit him down state that it's been one year and you need to know if he sees marriage and kids. If he says "yes", then pull out a paper, calendar and pen and tell him that sucessful couples communicate and plan, so let's plan it...ok, in X months engagemen, in X months premarital counseling, we need to ask parents what they plan to contribute to the wedding/reception and, "we" need to start budgeting for the wedding and where we're gonna live, etc... If he doesn't do the calendar with you, you have your answer... 3
JewelD Posted October 18, 2016 Posted October 18, 2016 Because we have talked about it before and we said that our goal was to create a family if all goes well. Also, he is a very private person and I just thought that telling them was a step before introducing me. Still, that day never came. well that should be a red flag to you. if a man is serious about you and doesn't hate his parents, you would have met them by now. Regardless of how 'private' he is. 2
Mr. Lucky Posted October 19, 2016 Posted October 19, 2016 I'm almost 34 and would like to start a family. Sounds like a good opening line to me . Has he been married before? It seems strange that, if you've been exclusive for a year, the future of your relationship hasn't come up on its own. Couple of red flags here, seems as though he's happy with the "once a week" status. Not sure how much additional time you'll want to invest... Mr. Lucky 2
Buddhist Posted October 19, 2016 Posted October 19, 2016 You see each other once a week a year into the relationship? That's an arms length relationship. Why don't you broach the subject of living together? If he freaks out about it, I think marriage and kids aren't on his agenda. A year in, I'd be expecting at least regular sleep overs if not plans to set up apartment together. 4
Author Miss_Emily Posted October 19, 2016 Author Posted October 19, 2016 I'm assuming that you've been having sex for a year with this guy. So, how can you be so heck bent on starting a family with a guy that you're having fear and/or communicating with - yet can have intimacy/sex with? I'm sorry, but either you "think" he was on board with your plan to get married or you need to stop beating around the bush. Men are direct, they respect strength. You need to sit him down state that it's been one year and you need to know if he sees marriage and kids. If he says "yes", then pull out a paper, calendar and pen and tell him that sucessful couples communicate and plan, so let's plan it...ok, in X months engagemen, in X months premarital counseling, we need to ask parents what they plan to contribute to the wedding/reception and, "we" need to start budgeting for the wedding and where we're gonna live, etc... If he doesn't do the calendar with you, you have your answer... Thank you! Great suggestion!
Author Miss_Emily Posted October 19, 2016 Author Posted October 19, 2016 Sounds like a good opening line to me . Has he been married before? It seems strange that, if you've been exclusive for a year, the future of your relationship hasn't come up on its own. Couple of red flags here, seems as though he's happy with the "once a week" status. Not sure how much additional time you'll want to invest... Mr. Lucky Will let you know, if I am single again. He hasn't been married before, he has had an 8 year relationship but they were long-distance. He's very respectful towards me, it's just that the relationship doesn't evolve. He alludes to the future and proposals all the time, it's just that he doesn't take any specific action.
Author Miss_Emily Posted October 19, 2016 Author Posted October 19, 2016 You see each other once a week a year into the relationship? That's an arms length relationship. Why don't you broach the subject of living together? If he freaks out about it, I think marriage and kids aren't on his agenda. A year in, I'd be expecting at least regular sleep overs if not plans to set up apartment together. I don't want to live together if I'm not married.The truth is he had brought this up at some point but this is not something I want. Maybe some weekends but we would need to find a place for that.
sandylee1 Posted October 19, 2016 Posted October 19, 2016 Has he introduced you to anyone at all? I would say, you know we've talked about marriage/having kids? Then he says "yes of course". You then say, what sort of time frame were you thinking about? He knows you're 34. You don't need to tell him that. You just need to see what his time frame is. Then also add, it would be nice to meet your parents, since we've been together for a year. That way ... You've got an idea about his timeline without badgering. You shouldn't have to take pen to paper as though it's a contract or business deal. If after saying this ... you don't see any further signs .... give it a few months and reassess the relationship. I remember an Ex saying his timeline to settle down and marry was 5 years. That was the last time he saw me. No fuss, no drama. I just told him that I didn't think we were on the same page and ended it. Some may say a year isn't that long, but when you're not in your early twenties, you kind of want to move things along quicker. In truth ... a year isnt that long. I had a friend who would establish from the onset (about a month in) ... if the guy wanted to get married ... if he wanted kids ... and if they got on well what time frame was he thinking about. She was in her latetwenties at the time but said she wasn't wasn'ttime if he didn't ultimately want what she did. ..
olivetree Posted October 19, 2016 Posted October 19, 2016 I think you're a bit too focused on the end goal of marriage and kids. It is okay to want these things, but it should be with the right person, in the right relationship. It doesn't seem like this relationship is progressing in a lot of aspects. You have to be very happy with the relationship before you should even be thinking about marriage. Seeing each other once a week and not meeting the family is not conducive to intimacy and progression. It should go like this - meet the family (and friends?) and start seeing each other more, then see if you even want a future with this man. Until you start seeing him on the regular and in all his shades you do not really know him. I also highly recommend living together before for this reason but you seem against that. 1
CarrieT Posted October 19, 2016 Posted October 19, 2016 I'm surprised - after a year - that you haven't met his family. That doesn't seem to add up to long-term potential.
GunslingerRoland Posted October 19, 2016 Posted October 19, 2016 He hasn't been married before, he has had an 8 year relationship but they were long-distance. He's very respectful towards me, it's just that the relationship doesn't evolve. He alludes to the future and proposals all the time, it's just that he doesn't take any specific action. Well it sounds like he's treating you like a long distance relationship even though you are right there, only seeing him once a week, not meeting his parents. He can say what he wants about the future, but at the current he's not trying to have a full relationship with you. Forget talking about marriage and kids, you guys haven't even moved passed casual dating IMO. 1
Springsummer Posted October 19, 2016 Posted October 19, 2016 I still remember someone in this forum said "Everything in life is a power struggle". I couldn't forget since. It is so true in this situation as well. If you have the power to find someone better, I bet he dropped on his knee already, and you wouldn't even care about this issue. Guess that's also what Gloria meant by 'strength'.
Author Miss_Emily Posted October 19, 2016 Author Posted October 19, 2016 Has he introduced you to anyone at all? I would say, you know we've talked about marriage/having kids? Then he says "yes of course". You then say, what sort of time frame were you thinking about? He knows you're 34. You don't need to tell him that. You just need to see what his time frame is. Then also add, it would be nice to meet your parents, since we've been together for a year. That way ... You've got an idea about his timeline without badgering. You shouldn't have to take pen to paper as though it's a contract or business deal. If after saying this ... you don't see any further signs .... give it a few months and reassess the relationship. I remember an Ex saying his timeline to settle down and marry was 5 years. That was the last time he saw me. No fuss, no drama. I just told him that I didn't think we were on the same page and ended it. Some may say a year isn't that long, but when you're not in your early twenties, you kind of want to move things along quicker. In truth ... a year isnt that long. I had a friend who would establish from the onset (about a month in) ... if the guy wanted to get married ... if he wanted kids ... and if they got on well what time frame was he thinking about. She was in her latetwenties at the time but said she wasn't wasn'ttime if he didn't ultimately want what she did. .. He has introduced me to a friend of his, but only because I wanted to fix him up with one of my friends. Last week he went to a party and hadn't even invited me to go with him which made me furious. After I calmed down, I talked to him about it and he gave me some lame excuse about not inviting me to go with him. Thanks for the suggestion, I think I will soon have a discussion with him. I like what your friend does, but I think it depends on the guy.Many just lie to get a casual relationship. But if the guy is honest, it can certainly save you from losers.
Author Miss_Emily Posted October 19, 2016 Author Posted October 19, 2016 Well it sounds like he's treating you like a long distance relationship even though you are right there, only seeing him once a week, not meeting his parents. He can say what he wants about the future, but at the current he's not trying to have a full relationship with you. Forget talking about marriage and kids, you guys haven't even moved passed casual dating IMO. Great point! You are right, but I have to talk to him about it at some point and set the record straight. Do you think I should ask him to meet his parents? I think I may have the right to do that at this point. Maybe just from the answer I will know what to expect.
Author Miss_Emily Posted October 19, 2016 Author Posted October 19, 2016 I think you're a bit too focused on the end goal of marriage and kids. It is okay to want these things, but it should be with the right person, in the right relationship. It doesn't seem like this relationship is progressing in a lot of aspects. You have to be very happy with the relationship before you should even be thinking about marriage. Seeing each other once a week and not meeting the family is not conducive to intimacy and progression. It should go like this - meet the family (and friends?) and start seeing each other more, then see if you even want a future with this man. Until you start seeing him on the regular and in all his shades you do not really know him. I also highly recommend living together before for this reason but you seem against that. Indeed this is the natural progression of things.Maybe he is not in love with me? However, he calls me every day, tells me he loves me all the time...it's just really confusing. I don't want to push him for anything, and I think that he has some good qualities, but I can't give this more than a year, because I need to start planning my future.Having children is very important to me.
Mr. Lucky Posted October 20, 2016 Posted October 20, 2016 I don't want to push him for anything, and I think that he has some good qualities, but I can't give this more than a year, because I need to start planning my future.Having children is very important to me. You're looking at this as something he's not doing. He's not intoducing you to family, not proposing, not discussing your future together. In reality, this is more about what his is doing. He's actively keeping you at arm's length from the rest of his life, not an easy thing to do with someone you've been dating for a year. Excluding you from the party is a perfect example. You should probably force the issue pretty quickly though I'm afraid you won't like the answer ... Mr. Lucky 3
Author Miss_Emily Posted October 20, 2016 Author Posted October 20, 2016 You're looking at this as something he's not doing. He's not intoducing you to family, not proposing, not discussing your future together. In reality, this is more about what his is doing. He's actively keeping you at arm's length from the rest of his life, not an easy thing to do with someone you've been dating for a year. Excluding you from the party is a perfect example. You should probably force the issue pretty quickly though I'm afraid you won't like the answer ... Mr. Lucky I will. It doesn't matter if I don't like the answer. It's better for me to know the truth, at least about our relationship. I get the feeling he is hiding something from me all this time. I haven't seen anything weird, it's just a feeling I have. If we break up, it will be because we don't want the same things in the same timeframe. Maybe he wants a family in 5 years.It's fine, for him. But for me, having a baby in the next few years is much more important than keeping "hope" in a relationship not going anywhere.The thing is, I would prefer to meet the right guy and have a family, not be a single parent. Of course I will consider something like that after 37, but for now, would like to try having a traditional family, because this is what I want more. 1
LastAcorn99 Posted October 21, 2016 Posted October 21, 2016 I’m sorry your relationship is not heading in the direction you had hoped. Like the others have suggested, I would suggest that you have a straight talk with your boyfriend and ask him about his plans for this relationship. All the best!
Gaeta Posted October 21, 2016 Posted October 21, 2016 * 1 year dating * Only 1 date a week * Apparently if you want to spend a weekend together you have to find a place for that why? Why you can't go to his place? why he can't go to yours? * Not met the family = You are the other woman. You are his hidden little dirty secret. He drops hints here and there about future just to keep you hanging. I have been in your shoes. The man ended up being married and not only he was married but he had 2 mistresses, me and another one. 2
GunslingerRoland Posted October 21, 2016 Posted October 21, 2016 I will. It doesn't matter if I don't like the answer. It's better for me to know the truth, at least about our relationship. I get the feeling he is hiding something from me all this time. I haven't seen anything weird, it's just a feeling I have. If we break up, it will be because we don't want the same things in the same timeframe. Maybe he wants a family in 5 years.It's fine, for him. But for me, having a baby in the next few years is much more important than keeping "hope" in a relationship not going anywhere.The thing is, I would prefer to meet the right guy and have a family, not be a single parent. Of course I will consider something like that after 37, but for now, would like to try having a traditional family, because this is what I want more. But again, be careful about focusing too much on the future. Who cares if he is saying he's ready to have a family in a year or two, if he isn't willing to make you a full part of his life now... those actions take precedence over the words. The cheque is always in the mail and the sign says free beer tomorrow, but what is he doing today, after one year of being together to make you part of his life. (And calling you all the time and telling you he loves, is not that, it's what he had previously with his long distance relationships.) 1
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