Love, Narcissism, Breakup and Pain

[UpUpUp]

Hi people!

 

I have been in a relationship for 4 years, the most intense I ever been in. We start living together since day one, we pass through many hard times together. Taking care of parents who were deeply sick, moving countries and start a new life with nothing more than ourselves and a couple of bucks, to create a new life abroad and make a home for ourselves. We matched in many ways - intellectually, music / food tastes, passions in life, having kids, amazing sex - we matched in everything, but something was wrong.

 

Through out my relationship I felt that I was not respected many times. She quit jobs without telling me, getting hammered and having provocative behaviour with 3r parties in front of me, manipulation (she used to play with my depression and anxieties), and other forms of abuse like the silence-treatment, making me feel guilty for her problems, denying sex to punish me and so on...

 

It took me a long time to realise this, 4 years to be precise. I couldn't do more to make her happy, no matter what i did was never enough or big enough. During the last year we tried to talk about this, but she was always pointing to me that her behaviour was just a reaction to mine. Which drove me insane, I couldn't do more - i quit friends, put my job at risk, i invested money... I couldn't do more. Almost 3 months ago I broke up with her, probably in one of here worst moments in life - no job, little money - but was something she brought to her self.

 

I had to quit a lovely flat we had, that i found and paid for most of the time. I had to get a smaller and more expensive flat for myself while she kept the old one. She fought for it, made my life miserable in the 2 weeks we lived together - destroyed furniture, menaced me that would **** people while I was living there, in our bed, and other destructive behaviours.

 

Time has passed, and I realise in my head that I really made the right (rational) decision, but I still have feelings. For the good moments, for the incredible match we had, albeit all the abuse. I have been having nightmares about the flat and her, and loosing my social circle... I feel lonely, and trying to remeber why I broke up, everyday.

 

Is it normal for the dumper, who is conscious about the decision to still have feelings of pain? Suffer some guilt as well, even though it was the right choice?

 

I have no idea what to ask more, I just feel a bit lost in all of this.

 

Thanks for reading this!

[MsJayne]

Yes, it is normal, because, even though you're the one who ended the relationship, in your subconscious you feel you were forced to end it, so it's almost like it was the other persons decision. It's important to explore why you got involved with such a messed up person, have a dig around inside yourself for the reasons why you wanted/needed to win that persons love and approval. Aside from that, you're at the three month mark, a perilous time after a break up...it's that time when you're past the anger and just feeling the loneliness and loss, so the potential for forgiveness and reconciliation, going back for another dose, is pretty high. Don't do it. Push through and in another month you will be feeling stronger. Also there is someone out there who is worthy of the effort you put into relationships, someone who will appreciate you for what you are and return the love, rather than abuse you and take you for granted.

[whatnot]

No one can make you feel bad about you without your permission.

 

You just said enough's enough.

[Downtown]

Up, the behaviors you describe -- i.e., irrational anger, verbal abuse, controlling behavior, easily triggered temper tantrums, icy silence, lack of impulse control (destroying your furniture), and always being "The Victim" (blaming every misfortune on you) -- are some of the classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Importantly, I'm not suggesting your exGF has full-blown BPD but, rather, that she may exhibit moderate to strong traits of it.

 

She was always pointing to me that her behaviour was just a reaction to mine. Which drove me insane....

Up, if you really did live with a BPDer for four years, "insane" is exactly how you should be feeling. Because BPDers typically are convinced that the absurd allegations coming out of their mouths are absolutely true -- they generally have a greater "crazy-making" effect than can ever be achieved by narcissists or sociopaths.

 

Nothing will drive you crazier sooner than being repeatedly abused by a partner whom you know, to a certainty, must really love you. The reason is that you will be mistakenly convinced that, if only you can figure out what YOU are doing wrong, you can restore your partner to that wonderful human being you saw at the very beginning.

 

This is why that, of the 157 mental disorders listed in the APA's diagnostic manual, BPD is the one most notorious for making the abused partners feel like they may be losing their minds. And this is why therapists typically see far more of those abused partners -- coming in to find out if they are going insane -- than they ever see of the BPDers themselves.

 

I have no idea what to ask more, I just feel a bit lost in all of this.

I caution that BPD is not something -- like chickenpox -- that a person either "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, it is a spectrum disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your exGF exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do.

 

Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met her, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are not difficult to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as always being "The Victim," lack of impulse control, and temper tantrums.

 

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your exGF's issues. Yet, like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., avoid taking her back or avoid running into the arms of another woman who is just like her.

 

I therefore suggest you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you. Take care, Up.

[Frozensushi]

I couldn't do more to make her happy, no matter what i did was never enough or big enough. During the last year we tried to talk about this, but she was always pointing to me that her behaviour was just a reaction to mine.

 

My Ex did this same thing. I told her many times "nothing I do is ever good enough for you". Whenever I asked her why she acted the way she did, she'd tell me 'it's because the way you're acting'. She never took accountability, there was an excuse for everything.

 

All the things you described above do sound very familiar to me. From moving too fast, silent treatment, making you choose her over friends etc. These are all HUGE red flags. I think the key to the red flags and personality disorders is if it's a pervasive pattern. I think we minimize the patterns hoping for a change that never comes.

 

Downtown is the resident guru on the matter, but there a many of us here who have gone through the same thing you did.

 

You made the right choice by leaving, you need to go NC and focus on yourself now. You can't help her. Trust me, all of us in similar BPD relationships tried and failed. I'm sorry you had to go through this, I hope you will stay strong!

[Toodaloo]

Is it normal for the dumper, who is conscious about the decision to still have feelings of pain? Suffer some guilt as well, even though it was the right choice?

 

Absolutely normal.

 

I dumped my last guy and its taken me longer to get over him than him to get over me...

 

It is completely normal to be just as hurt. Sometimes more so because it is a very tough decision to make and tough to be the one having to actually do it...

 

Reading what you have written it sounds like she kept you hooked and messed with your feelings... She was manipulative and kept you second guessing so now I figure you will be feeling insecure in your decision despite knowing it was the right one. You will be remembering those massive highs (and forgetting the massive lows). Your self esteem will have taken a hit and yes... all that you are feeling is perfectly rational and normal.

 

So what to do about it.

 

1. Be kind to yourself.

2. Eat well and look after your physical health

3. Get involved in sports

4. Get involved in things that keep your mind active

5. Speak to friends and family and post here

6. Keep walking away... use that time to learn about healthier behaviors so you don't make the same mistakes again...

[UpUpUp]

Hi guys!

 

Thanks for your words and support! I definitely did the right thing and I know it. I'm dealing with the pain of loss of so many things... I feel that to go away from that person I lost a flat to her, my social circle (since she is taking ownership of all of our friends), and the life I have been building here.

 

She got it all... I was the one who did most of the efforts (emotionally and economically), and I have a hard time to swallow that she got everything she wanted and just don't seem to suffer, it feels like she won the jackpot.

 

I'm not sure if I'm being irrational here, but to completely step away from here means I need to step away from my previous life style, from the places I love to go and the people I used to be with... She is taking over everything, or so it seems.

 

I don't want to change cities, or jobs, I made a name and a life here, and I can't drop that because all of this. I'm venting to you, because I have no one else to vent about this. I hope you understand.

 

The pain does not seems to go away, and I have daily reminders of her existence all over the place... Is there a way to solve or to deal with this better? And move on with my life in the same city and circuit as her?

 

Cheers guys! Thanks for being there!

[Toodaloo]

Get rid of the reminders.

 

I find its more the hope and dream that its going to work out and be peachy that is most upsetting than actually losing the person... Once I get into my head that I will move on and find someone else its easier.

[UpUpUp]

@Toodaloo you are totally right. For me the hard thing is that our personal and professional lives were so intertwined that the only way to totally forget would be changing countries... And I can't do that.

 

I have to pass our old flat almost every day, I can see what's inside etc... It's hard to forget and to overcome the "looser's feeling". Which is stupid, because was probably the best decision I ever made, but feels bad, and painful.

 

We will go through this, you me and others who face the same. Sooner than expected we will see that our lives are much better without those persons, even if that implied loosing big parts of ourselves, and our assets. We are bigger than this.

[Zapbasket]

I live in a rural area, one mile down the road from my ex and his family. We have been broken up for three years now. He grew up here; I had just moved here when we started dating and so when we broke up, I practically had to start from scratch socially whereas he had this great "running start."

 

The proximity definitely sucked. It rubbed raw all my wounds, especially when I would see him on the road in his truck, or see the lights on outside his apartment signaling that he was or had been out. What I did to make it "easier" was to shake up my old patterns: drive a different way to work, explore different parts of our area, take up new hobbies and doing the ones I'd shared with my ex in different places. As I started to weave new aspects of where we live into my present, I felt a sense of "ownership" over being here, that helped take away some of the sting of him being practically my neighbor, but choosing all this while to continue his life without me.

 

I haven't encountered him or his family out often, and when I have, from a distance I vacate the area and that has helped. I do think it's a combination of luck and both of us leaving when we've seen each others' vehicle (say, at the grocery store).

 

It definitely sucks. He remains in my consciousness more than he probably would otherwise because I can't help passing by his apartment at least every other day in my car. But it does get easier. It may not feel that way now, but it will.