ByMyself01 Posted October 18, 2016 Posted October 18, 2016 I am almost 30 years old and ready to settle down and have kids. My ex sold me a dream for 3 years straight (having kids and getting married) until he couldn't fake the funk anymore and his true colors came out. The ONLY thing he actively tried doing is getting me pregnant which failed. Fast forward>>> to this new guy I'm dating: Things went really well in the beginning. He told me that he was looking for a wife and not to play games which drew me even closer to him because I was looking for the same thing. He doesn't have kids and even discussed with me he wanted kids. He was the complete opposite of my ex. He was very sensual, understanding, down-to-earth, and his view of a relationship was in line with mines. I just felt it was too good to be true (and it was). We planned to move in together in February 2017 and in March we agreed that we would start trying for a baby. Fast Forward to 11 months later which is now>>> Everything was going great. I ended up landing a new job making more money than my last and he is also starting the same job later. I THOUGHT this was the perfect solution. We would both be making more money to further help with our plans, but boy was I wrong. I started talking to him last night about the depth of our relationship and the kids subject came up and he was honest with me and told me that he wants to wait even longer for us to have kids (2 more years). After an ENTIRE year of planning and he changes up on me. Now I'm in fear . I felt like I wasted 3 years with my ex and kids are a passionate thing for me because I'm getting older and I also have PCOS which is the reason I couldn't have kids with my ex. But now I have great insurance and I was going to seek out help and he knew all this so it broke my heart:(. Now I don't know what to do. And if he feels this way and changed on me, then I don't know. So after he told me that he wanted to wait longer, I tried to break up with him immediately because I was heartbroken and I felt like everything I planned on was going downhill. Waiting is not the root issue, it's the fact that he changed up on me. What if I wait 2 years and end up with nothing? SO when I tried to break up with him, we talked more and he said the reason he wants to wait is for financial reasons. He claim he witnesses people with kids struggling and he doesn't want the same thing for us. However, I told him that I feel that we make enough money and other things I expressed from a spiritual perspective and he compromised with me to have kids at the time we originally planned. But NOW, I'm afraid of wasting more time, so I'm considering dating other people now. I feel like I'm forcing him and I don't want to end up pregnant for him and he leaves because he may feel it was all me and not him who wanted to plan this event. SO I'm seriously thinking of finding someone new who really wants the same thing I want. I just don't want to waste any more time like I did with my ex. I'm getting older and I have a condition where if I wait too long, I may never have kids. Your thoughts on what I should do? Should I trust him and believe that he will do it in the time-frame and not resent me? Or am I better off finding someone new and starting over?
CarrieT Posted October 18, 2016 Posted October 18, 2016 It sounds like you want this kids more than the man (either of 'em). 4
Gaeta Posted October 18, 2016 Posted October 18, 2016 1 year is not enough to start making babies with someone. You sound baby-cray and it will chase any man away. You are not even 30 yet there is no emergency! The finance excuse is just that an excuse but I can't blame him, you are trying to rush him into something that will last a life time. FIRST start by moving in together and live together for the entire year before getting pregnant. There is a world apart between dating and living together. I dated my ex-husband for 3 years and when we moved in together I could not recognized my boyfriend in him, he changed instantly!! This is serious business, don't rush. Geez women have babies till they are 45 nowadays, relax. 2
Buddhist Posted October 18, 2016 Posted October 18, 2016 Chances are excellent if you start over you won't be having kids for another 2yrs anyway. You have to find someone, you have to develop a relationship and then you both have to agree on mutual goals. If you can find all of that within the next 2yrs I think you will be lucky. So why not compromise with your current bf and put kids off another year? That way he can feel more financially secure and you won't have to wait as long as if you started over. I'm a firm believer that if you are meant to have children you will have them no matter what. 2
basil67 Posted October 18, 2016 Posted October 18, 2016 So this new guy has changed his mind and wants to spend about three years with you before starting trying for children? Sounds like someone has whacked him on the head with the sensible stick. 8
RecentChange Posted October 18, 2016 Posted October 18, 2016 Yeah I agree with others. Planning to get pregnant before you have ever lived with him sounds awfully premature. Also, it sounds like you are WAY more concerned with having a baby, then your future husband. I never once saw you mention how much you loved him, or how much he loved you. Or that you couldn't imagine living without him. He said he wants to take some more time, and you were ready to leave him - just like that. If you end up not being able to have children, are you prepared for him to walk away without a second thought? What is more important, a life partner that you love and cherish with all your heart, or a sperm donor with a paycheck and ability to parent the child? 6
RecentChange Posted October 18, 2016 Posted October 18, 2016 Wow..... just read some of your other topics.... Ah, you said you were wanting to break up with him, cheat on him, or go back to your ex when he expressed wanting to take some more time when after 6 months of dating you wanted a commitment for a baby with in a year. Again, zero mention of loving this guy. I am going to go with the most liked comment on that thread. Go to a sperm bank. Or perhaps counseling. Expecting a guy to meet you, and be on board with getting you pregnant almost immediately is not reasonable (nor wise). 5
Author ByMyself01 Posted October 18, 2016 Author Posted October 18, 2016 Thanks everyone for the advice. I do love him, he is the person I have actually felt true love with. And I only tried to break up with him because it hurt me that he sold me a dream and I didn't expect that from him. But I'll hold on to my relationship, I knew deep down I couldn't let him get away for too long. I'm going to stick it out even if I have to wait. I guess him wanting us to move together is proof enough he is serious about the relationship, he's just not ready for babies yet.
basil67 Posted October 18, 2016 Posted October 18, 2016 ByMyself, I strongly suggest you dump the victim language. Sold you a dream? Really? Hon, people can and do change their minds. In this case, he's realised that the plan was too rushed and not sensible. You are not a victim. 4
tilby Posted October 18, 2016 Posted October 18, 2016 Chances are excellent if you start over you won't be having kids for another 2yrs anyway. You have to find someone, you have to develop a relationship and then you both have to agree on mutual goals. If you can find all of that within the next 2yrs I think you will be lucky. So why not compromise with your current bf and put kids off another year? That way he can feel more financially secure and you won't have to wait as long as if you started over. I'm a firm believer that if you are meant to have children you will have them no matter what. I agree with Buddhist. Having a baby is a huge responsibility and it does take time to meet the right person and then plan financially. Sometimes you think you have found the right person but people change their minds. Having PCOS may or may not affect your chances of conceiving. It may affect only one ovary leaving the other to function normally. If you're concerned about your fertility you could freeze your eggs until you are 100% sure you are in the right relationship. It will take some pressure off yourself and your boyfriend and allow yourselves to concentrate on building your relationship and home together. If you put too much pressure on your boyfriend he may just leave. I had my daughter in my early 30's and I have an issue with my uterus, but still conceived naturally within a few months and carried to term with no issues. I was told I MAY not be able to but proved them wrong. Don't rule out your chances either. Just let your relationship flourish. You have made the big step of moving in together, so he wants to build a life with you. Unless he says he's changed his mind then there's no reason to doubt him. I hope everything works out for you. 1
tilby Posted October 18, 2016 Posted October 18, 2016 Oops, sorry, I meant planning on moving in together. That's making progress in your relationship.
lillybelle Posted October 18, 2016 Posted October 18, 2016 (edited) It sounds like you are really rushing this. I understand, as I am 29, and I just came out of an 8 year marriage/12 year relationship where my ex refused to have children. I am glad we didn't as he was abusive and ended up not working for years. We were not destined for each other, that's for sure. I'm in a new relationship now but I've known him for years and trust he'd be a great parent and stay true to me and our life together. But I have no idea if I want kids. I know I want them for my future (when I am 50, 60+ etc) as I have no siblings and I want a family. But I'm nowhere near ready. Not in my relationship and not in myself. The thought of kids terrifies me. I feel too young and unstable. Yet biologically, I am well past peak and I have PCOS symptoms even while on the pill. I work in medicine, and I have a fairly good idea that if I come off the pill, it's not going to work well for me. But do keep in mind that PCOS is not a static condition that once diagnosed, everyone is stuck with. It is reversible for most people, just like type 2 diabetes - they both stem from insulin resistance. Or, at least they can be reduced to the point of being fertile. Diet, exercise, lifestyle are the biggest factors. Reducing stress, exercising, losing excess fat especially abdominal fat if you have any, eating low GI / traditional Mediterranean style diet. Sensitize your body to insulin and it will regulate your hormones. Treat yourself like you have type 2 diabetes and PCOS reduces. Think of PCOS as a symptom you have, not a disease. It's often a symptom of our westernized lifestyle - high stress, poor diet, sedentary etc. Maybe you know all of this but I come into contact with too many women in practice who think having PCOS will make them permanently infertile, or make them go through menopause quicker, and treat it like it's an incurable disease. But for most women, you can reverse its effect on you enough to get pregnant without assistance technology. At our age... our age is becoming more of an issue with our reproductive potential moreso than PCOS which is treatable. Age unfortunately isn't, so I understand the rush you feel. But it could make you rush the entire relationship too much. He probably still feels you have enough time to wait and that may be true. Try to go with the flow for a little while and work on your fertility nutritionally in the mean time. Edited October 18, 2016 by lillybelle 1
ExpatInItaly Posted October 18, 2016 Posted October 18, 2016 Sorry OP, but I totally agree with your boyfriend. You two need to see whether living together works out before trying to have a baby. As others have pointed out, dating and living together are vastly different experiences. Make sure you two are even compatible in that respect before attempting to conceive. You have unfortunately probably just put even more doubts in your boyfriend's mind by trying to break up with him immediately. If you're not careful, he is going to start thinking you see him as a sperm donor instead of a partner and he will bolt. 2
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