delilah32 Posted October 18, 2016 Posted October 18, 2016 (edited) I think this is the the third major breakup I've relied on LS to get me through, either by actively posting and engaging, or by creeping the forums like so many do. A 12 yr span or something. Long-standing abandonment issues related to horrifically abusive father-induced trauma. I'm 43 now. My on/off boyfriend of the last 5 years just dumped me last week....for like the 10th time. I am broken...just crushed....but I know I have to move forward from this unstable situation. In the past, I have haunted the halls of LS looking for the perfect, devious way to make my ex-lover see what a catch he was giving up and/or feel like a total piece of **** for ever having left me. Going "no contact" has enabled me to "win back" men--including the one at hand--many times. But once the euphoric makeup sex and reunion bliss chemicals wear off, the same problems are there and I am deserted again. My most recent ex---like all the others---professes to be in love with me but can no longer be in a relationship with me. It's too hard. My bottomless, empty well of need can never, ever be filled by another human being. I tend to push most men I truly love away with my abandonment issues. That, or I get tired of the cycles myself and move on to someone else. What do I do? I'm so heartbroken right now, acutely, but I recognize the cycle has got to stop. I have cut off contact with my ex and have not responded to his last two emails, but this time not because I am trying to get him back, but because I know contact will only further perpetuate the painful cycle. I don't know what to do. Any ladies with crippling abandonment fears out there ever...I dunno..recover? I'm ready to go see a psychic. I'll do anything to stop this pain...but I'm tired of bandaids in the form of my next "love fix." Edited October 18, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
PrincessWarrior1 Posted October 18, 2016 Posted October 18, 2016 (edited) NC always works because the pain subsides day by day. I was in that on/off again thing myself. And I would be feeling better and back to myself with NC, living my life w no worries. Then he would come back and we would have sex. Each time the sex getting better and better. This last time he looked so deep in my eyes and and said {quote redacted by moderation} Sure enough when he left the pain was so bad. I had a hard time focusing at work. My mind was just not right and I felt it physically too, really bad!! And he could care less. I mean even if he sent me a cute text to let me know he was thinking of me. He'd answer me with "Stop being a baby, or "Cry Baby Boo Hoo," stuff like that. This time I want to be strong enough to not call back or at least do not have sex with him! I heard you are suppose to reward yourself with gifts for periods of NC. After two weeks it's a mani/pedi, and after one months it's an outfit, etc. Things like that. That is a really good idea and it works. I can remember being at the mall and getting my hair done and buying some skin care stuff from Sephora and I felt really good. All I have to do now is keep it going and don't let him pull me back. After two weeks the pain is basically gone now just my thoughts have to get better. It takes time. All my energy left me and everything and I went into a depression. I already have bipolar depression so it gets pretty bad. I have to take care of myself. Another very important piece of advice I wanted to give you was doing some self help reading on abandonment issues. That would be a great thing to do during your NC time and thereafter. Edited October 22, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator language~T 2
VienneseCoffee Posted October 18, 2016 Posted October 18, 2016 Cutting off contact sounds like a good idea as the on again/off again thing is really unhealthy. Maybe try being alone for a while? Once you find you don't need someone you won't be afraid of being abandoned? Have you tried therapy? It sounds like you've identified the problem. You have to stop needing other people so badly, it's like an addiction for you.
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