whattodo2 Posted October 17, 2016 Posted October 17, 2016 My boyfriend is in his early 20s and is very close to his mom. It isn't exactly a normal mom/son relationship, but more of a best friend relationship. For instance, he still doesn't go shopping for clothes on his own. To me, that is ridiculous, but to him- he enjoys shopping with his mom like I would enjoy shopping with my friends. When I said "well you have to learn to do it yourself some day, you're not going to Macy's with your mom when you're 40" he basically said no and that he doesn't ever have to learn since she'll always be there and they enjoy doing those things together. That just...idk it really bothered me. They message each other every single day and whenever he has an issue she is the first person he talks to about it. I wish I was the person he turned to for these things, and I struggle to wonder where I fit into the equation. I don't have any family. My mom passed away and my dad has never been in the picture. My bf is the most important person in my life, so I guess, in a sense, I am jealous of what they have. Is there room for me? His mom has been very nice to me and we get along well, but by being with my boyfriend does that mean I am always going to be #2? If so, how do I handle that?
Gaeta Posted October 17, 2016 Posted October 17, 2016 My boyfriend is in his early 20s and is very close to his mom. It isn't exactly a normal mom/son relationship, but more of a best friend relationship. For instance, he still doesn't go shopping for clothes on his own. To me, that is ridiculous, but to him- he enjoys shopping with his mom like I would enjoy shopping with my friends. When I said "well you have to learn to do it yourself some day, you're not going to Macy's with your mom when you're 40" he basically said no and that he doesn't ever have to learn since she'll always be there and they enjoy doing those things together. That just...idk it really bothered me. They message each other every single day and whenever he has an issue she is the first person he talks to about it. I wish I was the person he turned to for these things, and I struggle to wonder where I fit into the equation. I don't have any family. My mom passed away and my dad has never been in the picture. My bf is the most important person in my life, so I guess, in a sense, I am jealous of what they have. Is there room for me? His mom has been very nice to me and we get along well, but by being with my boyfriend does that mean I am always going to be #2? If so, how do I handle that? You feel number 2 because they go shopping together? That's a bit extreme no? There is no limit on the love we have for those in our life. Your boyfriend does not have to split his love between his mom and you, he has plenty for both of you. You don't need to pull the blanket from her. How to handle it? embrace it. He has the relationship you would have loved to have with your own mother probably and there comes the jealousy. I have a 29 yo daughter, yes we speak every day, yes I am the one she runs to for advice on anything, and yes I love having her shopping with me because she is a good advisor she won't fear telling me I look fat in something. We have a strong bond and that bond does not interfere with the relationship I have with my BF or the relationship she has with her BF. 4
LD1990 Posted October 17, 2016 Posted October 17, 2016 Sounds like you've got yourself a manchild. By the early 20s, a person should be either independent or taking steps to become independent. It doesn't sound like your boyfriend is there or cares if he ever gets there. You're right to worry about his attitude that "mom will always be there to do this for me." That shows a lack of maturity. I'm an only child and I love both of my parents very much. But I'm also firmly of the belief that when I'm in a serious relationship, my girlfriend is the most important person in my life. If you're going to share your life with someone, that's how it has to be. I've seen relationships where one person keeps mom or dad far too involved, and it's a recipe for disaster. 2
Author whattodo2 Posted October 17, 2016 Author Posted October 17, 2016 I mean, it isn't the act of shopping itself that bothers me, it's the fact that he hopes to rely on her forever.She still does his laundry and cooks practically all his meals. They are very much inseparable. I am happy he has her, I would do anything to have my mother here and I respect that he appreciates her the way he does. I just am worried about being the third wheel forever and that he will never have the desire to be away from her/live his own life.
Gaeta Posted October 17, 2016 Posted October 17, 2016 I wish I was the person he turned to for these things, and I struggle to wonder where I fit into the equation. How long have you been dating? Remember he has this kind of bond with her because he's been in a relationship with her for 20 some years. If you have been dating just a few months it's unrealistic to expect he'll run to you. I have been dating for 1 year and if something hurts me during the day I turn to my daughter, not the BF still after a year. This type of trust takes a long time to develop. I also think you should not treat a BF as a best friend. Your boyfriend should not hear every little things you go through a day and every little fear or anxiety you have to deal with. That's for your best friend or like in his case, his mom. Treat your BF like your best friend and you'll kill the romance in no time. 3
Gaeta Posted October 17, 2016 Posted October 17, 2016 I mean, it isn't the act of shopping itself that bothers me, it's the fact that he hopes to rely on her forever.She still does his laundry and cooks practically all his meals. They are very much inseparable. I am happy he has her, I would do anything to have my mother here and I respect that he appreciates her the way he does. I just am worried about being the third wheel forever and that he will never have the desire to be away from her/live his own life. Do you have friends? Do you have other people to rely on than your boyfriend?
Author whattodo2 Posted October 17, 2016 Author Posted October 17, 2016 We've been dating a little over a year and a half. You're right, trust takes time and I'm hoping that I just have to be patient. But I'm worried time isn't the issue. And no, my boyfriend isn't my only friend, that would be very unhealthy. I have several close friends and am also friends with most of my coworkers. I vent to them, but when something important comes up, a decision or something big, I want to share it with my boyfriend.
Gaeta Posted October 17, 2016 Posted October 17, 2016 We've been dating a little over a year and a half. You're right, trust takes time and I'm hoping that I just have to be patient. But I'm worried time isn't the issue. And no, my boyfriend isn't my only friend, that would be very unhealthy. I have several close friends and am also friends with most of my coworkers. I vent to them, but when something important comes up, a decision or something big, I want to share it with my boyfriend. If something big came up and you still had your mom you'd go to her probably before the BF right?. I am 51 and I still go to my mom when I want a serious advice. Another thing. If you have lost your mom already you probably had to emotionally mature at the speed of light. It's something tragic you had to adapt to. He didn't go through that, life did not require of him to mature all of a sudden. He will eventually cut the umbilical cord but his process will be slower.
preraph Posted October 17, 2016 Posted October 17, 2016 Look, most people would find that a bit much. Normal is that teenagers start pulling away from their parents, leaving the nest, and most of them are more than anxious to break away. Then there's about 10 years when they would sooner cut off an arm than spend time with their parents. Then when they get a bit older and their parents accept them as adults and especially when they have kids, often they can be a bit closer again. But every psychologist on the planet will tell you it's not normal for a person with a significant other or spouse to place anyone before them. Their allegiance must be to their new family. Your backgrounds are very different, yes. So this will be even harder for you than for most. I don't see it as a good match, but honestly, I don't see him having a good match until he completes the leaving the nest process and does things for himself like a man. He's not a man until he lives without the help of his mother, and that's a fact. Now, backing up just a little, if going shopping with Mom is the ONLY thing he does like this, it's not a big deal. But you've already said they're in daily contact. That's a bit much. That he goes to her first about everything may only speak to the depth of your relationship. Maybe that will change the longer you are together. And you're both still quite young. But as long as he is cleaving to her and not drawing boundaries with her, that would be a problem in any relationship because you'll just keep losing to him listening to his mom and being validated by her, even when he's wrong -- because a mother like that probably never believes he's wrong about anything, since she's his best friend. She may not have prepared him for adulthood. It's happening more and more these days. It's nice to have a good relationship with parents, but not without boundaries. I wouldn't even consider moving in with him because he will likely let her decorate your place, not you, and allow her to pop over anytime she wants, and that's when the real boundary crossing begins, not just him going with her to the mall. 5
Buddhist Posted October 17, 2016 Posted October 17, 2016 You cannot ever get in between the relationship between him and his mother. It is the relationship they have and you just have to accept it. Personally I think it's a sign of healthy relationship between them. Sure one day he will lose his mom but isn't it good that he's enjoying the relationship while it lasts? You are jealous of their connection and you need to understand that your connection with him is distinct and separate. They are not competing with each other, you are in addition to his mom. Perhaps he has a higher level of trust in his mom's judgement than in yours. That is normal given that he's known her a lot longer than he's known you. You need to shore up your security in your relationship with him. Trust me you don't want to become a stand-in for his mother because then your romantic relationship would be dead. Learn to accept it as part of him. Learn to appreciate his mother on your own terms. The fact she is nice to you is a lot more than most GF's get from their BF's mothers. 3
Author whattodo2 Posted October 18, 2016 Author Posted October 18, 2016 as long as he is cleaving to her and not drawing boundaries with her, that would be a problem in any relationship because you'll just keep losing to him listening to his mom and being validated by her, even when he's wrong -- because a mother like that probably never believes he's wrong about anything, since she's his best friend. This is so true! We will be having an argument about something and he will call his mom and ask who is right. Of course she sides with him! You gave a lot of good advice here. I've been on my own for a long time. Worked my ass off to graduate college early while having a full time job. I struggle to understand reliance and tend to view it as more of a bad thing. I'm not going to try and stand in the way of them, that is a fight I will never win. But I think he needs to start taking steps to be self reliant and a bit more open to new things. I love him and i'm willing to wait but not forever.
Gaeta Posted October 18, 2016 Posted October 18, 2016 This is so true! We will be having an argument about something and he will call his mom and ask who is right. Of course she sides with him! Well that's new information and it's not cool he does that. What does he do for himself? is he in college?
Ruby Slippers Posted October 18, 2016 Posted October 18, 2016 It's nice to have a good relationship with parents, but not without boundaries. I wouldn't even consider moving in with him because he will likely let her decorate your place, not you, and allow her to pop over anytime she wants, and that's when the real boundary crossing begins, not just him going with her to the mall. Agree 100%. Been there, done that, got the broken heart. Red flags are waving all over your post. Trust your intuition. I dearly wish someone had warned me from getting involved with a guy like this. This Bible passage says it all: "Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh." He cannot cleave unto (stick to) you (or any woman) as long as he's stuck to his mother. 2
LD1990 Posted October 18, 2016 Posted October 18, 2016 This is so true! We will be having an argument about something and he will call his mom and ask who is right. Of course she sides with him! You gave a lot of good advice here. I've been on my own for a long time. Worked my ass off to graduate college early while having a full time job. I struggle to understand reliance and tend to view it as more of a bad thing. I'm not going to try and stand in the way of them, that is a fight I will never win. But I think he needs to start taking steps to be self reliant and a bit more open to new things. I love him and i'm willing to wait but not forever. He's not a good match for you or anyone who wants an adult relationship. She does everything for him, so he hasn't developed any of the skills an adult needs, and he doesn't care. He's fine having his mother cook and clean and pick up after him for the rest of his life. I get where you're coming from and I'm sure you're frustrated, I know I would be. I've stopped seeing friends because they live with their parents and have no ambition to make anything of their lives. I want to spend time with adults, not children.
Author whattodo2 Posted October 18, 2016 Author Posted October 18, 2016 He's still in college because he went for physical therapy and that requires additional education. I am really hoping when he graduates, he will move out of his mom's house but he says he can't afford to. I keep showing him part time jobs, trying to nudge him so he can accumulate some savings before graduation but he is not interested.
Gaeta Posted October 18, 2016 Posted October 18, 2016 He's still in college because he went for physical therapy and that requires additional education. I am really hoping when he graduates, he will move out of his mom's house but he says he can't afford to. I keep showing him part time jobs, trying to nudge him so he can accumulate some savings before graduation but he is not interested. When he graduates he cannot afford to move out? That is not a good sign. Here is what I am afraid. He will move out of his mom's house to your house or apartment and he won't ever have to be fully responsible for himself. This man is a lot beyond you in terms of maturity and independence. I am not saying he won't get there but he might be one of those 30yo men still living in mom's basement. How old exactly is he?
clueless1050 Posted October 20, 2016 Posted October 20, 2016 He's 22. We balance each other nicely. Sometimes i'm overly serious since I plan everything out way in advance whereas he just goes with it. I live and work in the city and his mom is out in the suburbs over an hour away so it's not ideal. I think that if I wasn't in the picture that he would want to live in his mom's basement until he's 30 because that's just the relationship they have. So it's like...i'm stuck in the situation where either I invite him to live with me after college or he will probably stay there because he doesn't see the need to leave and live on his own.
kendahke Posted October 20, 2016 Posted October 20, 2016 he basically said no and that he doesn't ever have to learn (Having not read the thread) Yep. You have been put on notice. His relationship with his mother supersedes what you bring to his life and that above underlined statement says that he's not interested in changing that. A guy who is interested in changing that would have said "yeah, I guess you're right... want to go with me to pick out some things?" A guy who says what he said ain't that guy. You'd be better served finding someone else who isn't this close to his mom. It really doesn't matter what you or we think of their relationship---most likely, they will not change their tack in the foreseeable future. That means you and your feelings are going to be continuously hurt and you will find out over and over again that you can't replace his mother's position in his life. He's well within his rights to have this kind of closeness with his mom--they're well within their rights to determine their relationship--so trying to figure out how to make him do something he has no interest in doing is a waste of your time. You need to figure out what your own boundaries are and how much of your youth you plan on squandering trying to make him be someone he has no interest in being for you.
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