When you're undergoing a huge transformation and others don't know what's going on

[Zapbasket]

How to word this. I'm going through some kind of whole-self transformation right now. I am emerging from years of things just not being right in my life--three deeply hurtful breakups, two moves, being in a new place and jobless in a crashed economy and having to pull myself up with no longtime friends nearby or even people who really knew me and just this deeper sense of being terribly, terribly lost. And then spiritually I hit bottom, and for a long time I had no idea how or if I was ever going to get out of this awful feeling...and finally the tides are shifting from inside me and I am turning into someone new, my more authentic self.

 

I feel crazy, like I don't know myself anymore, because everything I told myself was "me," now seems less like "me" than this new "me" that seems to be emerging. From within, even though it feels weird and new and awkward, it feels RIGHT, and good, and true, and even glimmers of amazing at times.

 

I feel these days like a walking kaleidoscope, hence why I say I feel "crazy," though in some ways I feel like I'm finally getting clear. I find myself saying and doing things that I would have squelched myself from saying or doing in the past.

 

My question is, how do I let people in on what is going on inside me? Or do I not need to really explain it? As you can see, I have trouble finding the words to describe what is actually happening. I guess I just fear offending people, and because I have been doing a lot of reflecting, I have been keeping more to myself, and I honestly can't even guess how I might be coming across to people these days. I had two female coworkers be really catty to me last week, inviting me for a glass of wine at the end of the day and then talking exclusively about how awesome the previous woman in my position was and how much they miss her and how much they just lOVE the [downright nasty, to me anyway] older woman who shares my job title on the days of the week I don't work and how meticulous she is. And a supervisor told me that I seem to have become "much less judgmental" than I was when I first moved here. I have been told that people perceive me as intimidating, but I told this supervisor that if I seemed quiet or to myself when I first came here, it was because I was having a hard time adjusting to my new rural life after living in a major city and just felt very adrift and uncertain.

 

So I fear that while I'm over here molting, for lack of a better analogy, other people are reading something negative in my behavior that isn't there and I don't know how to address it.

 

Have any of you ever gone through a period like this? How did you deal with the people in your life, near and far (emotionally), while you went through it?

[whattodo2]

Your coworkers like you enough that they invited you over for drinks, which is a good sign. However, this self-transformation that you are going through, doesn't diminish your actions. You need to be cognizant of how you're treating other people. Being quiet is different than being rude. It's great that you are finally becoming who you want to be, but don't lose sight of the world around you.

[preraph]

I went through a 10-year depression/isolation and emerged feeling much like you do. I had isolated, so I had to explain a little to let my friends know I was back.

 

Don't get anxious over these feelings of volatility you are having now. There is a boomerang effect coming out of these things. You bounce off the walls for awhile. You may feel very energized some days, but at the same time, feel raw as a stripped twig and like everything you experience is almost too intense for you, like you are just extremely vulnerable and the very wind could blow you away.

 

The good news is that with time, you will regain your footing and foundation. Do not try to stick your neck out too far in a relationship or at work until you settle down and feel solid again. Keep it simple for awhile. You don't want a setback or to get scared back to where you were before.

 

It seems like it took me maybe a year to level out good. I was social during that time, but I was also having a hard time with boundaries and TOO open in my sort of excited state of being fully alive again.

 

So don't try to get with anyone yet, but do make time each week to go live life. Go do things you love and build new memories and strength that way. If you have the means, do a little traveling. If you love animals, do something with animals. Take up your hobbies again. With each thing you go do that is fun you will build strength and confidence and gradually prove to yourself you are really back. Good luck.

[Zapbasket]

Your coworkers like you enough that they invited you over for drinks, which is a good sign. However, this self-transformation that you are going through, doesn't diminish your actions. You need to be cognizant of how you're treating other people. Being quiet is different than being rude. It's great that you are finally becoming who you want to be, but don't lose sight of the world around you.

 

I don't know what could have precipitated that cattiness from my coworkers. Obviously I haven't forgotten about the world around or I wouldn't have created this post. I haven't been rude to anyone, either, but I have started calling people out on their rudeness, and that is a change from before. And it's not like I flip out; I just say, "I don't appreciate being called 'ignorant,'" or whatever. I just feel like inside, I'm different, and I'm different on the outside. If anything, regarding my job, since I have to stay in it at least another 9 months, I've worked hard to shift my attitude to one that is MORE positive and engaged.

 

I feel like there are some people who would hang out with me, but I'm over here undergoing something profound, and one change that's happening in me is that I'm less capable of "performing" to please other people's expectations. So unless I feel like I could open up even a little about what is happening, I don't feel like I want to just hang.

 

Maybe this is just one of those times when I just do what I need to do and ride out this awkward wave, and the people who are worth having around will still be available and open to being around me. ?

 

I don't know. I feel very, very lonely even while I'm feeling more clear in myself.

[Zapbasket]

I went through a 10-year depression/isolation and emerged feeling much like you do. I had isolated, so I had to explain a little to let my friends know I was back.

 

Don't get anxious over these feelings of volatility you are having now. There is a boomerang effect coming out of these things. You bounce off the walls for awhile. You may feel very energized some days, but at the same time, feel raw as a stripped twig and like everything you experience is almost too intense for you, like you are just extremely vulnerable and the very wind could blow you away.

 

The good news is that with time, you will regain your footing and foundation. Do not try to stick your neck out too far in a relationship or at work until you settle down and feel solid again. Keep it simple for awhile. You don't want a setback or to get scared back to where you were before.

 

It seems like it took me maybe a year to level out good. I was social during that time, but I was also having a hard time with boundaries and TOO open in my sort of excited state of being fully alive again.

 

So don't try to get with anyone yet, but do make time each week to go live life. Go do things you love and build new memories and strength that way. If you have the means, do a little traveling. If you love animals, do something with animals. Take up your hobbies again. With each thing you go do that is fun you will build strength and confidence and gradually prove to yourself you are really back. Good luck.

 

Preraph, somehow I missed your comment when I posted on here before. I'm sorry for the delayed response.

 

So, how did you explain to people that you were "back"? And were these people who were close to you, and who knew a little about your depression?

 

Since I was in turmoil pretty much since I moved to where I live now (moved 6 years ago), and since I knew no one here when I moved, everyone I know has only known me while I was privately managing this inner turmoil...which is to say that in fact, no one really knows me at all. It didn't help that the job I took when I moved here was in an industry in which I had no prior experience, and so no one has gotten to know me in the context of my other experience in two different fields in which I became quite accomplished.

 

So how can I explain any of this to people for whom I have "performed" so well, they don't maybe even know that I have been under this whole time?

 

Thanks for the encouraging words. I do feel very vulnerable right now, just very raw and open. It's especially hard when I feel there isn't anyone around who understands. Only my mother, my therapist, and my best friend know the journey I've been on particularly over the past three years, when I hit an all-time low and had to work hard to climb out of it.

[Popsicle]

Keep in touch with them. Even if it's distant, sporatic and you have to by email. Let them know that you are still here but going through some stuff and will be back when it's over. Give them some hope. Trust me, they won't understand or care about what you're going through (people are selfish), they just want you to be there with them and not being there with no word, to them, means you've abandoned them and are gone for good, so give them some hope and stay in some sort of contact.

[Nowty V]

had to work hard to climb out of it.

 

You've climbed out of it .

 

You may be understanding yourself better, becoming more 'aware' and feeling the freedom that this brings.

 

Takes a while to get used too, but it's a wonderful thing.

 

Go You!

 

Don't speculate or make assumptions about what other people think of you, it's time consuming and wastes your energy, it doesn't matter what they think, ever.

 

It only matters what you think, you have every reason to feel good due too what you have achieved on your journey. Think good thoughts and feel good.

[Zapbasket]

Keep in touch with them. Even if it's distant, sporatic and you have to by email. Let them know that you are still here but going through some stuff and will be back when it's over. Give them some hope. Trust me, they won't understand or care about what you're going through (people are selfish), they just want you to be there with them and not being there with no word, to them, means you've abandoned them and are gone for good, so give them some hope and stay in some sort of contact.

 

Thanks--that's a good idea to use email if I don't feel up to any other way. And maybe not even to mention that I'm going through anything, just to say hi and say I'm looking forward to seeing them when we can make it happen.

[Zapbasket]

You've climbed out of it .

 

You may be understanding yourself better, becoming more 'aware' and feeling the freedom that this brings.

 

Takes a while to get used too, but it's a wonderful thing.

 

Go You!

 

Don't speculate or make assumptions about what other people think of you, it's time consuming and wastes your energy, it doesn't matter what they think, ever.

 

It only matters what you think, you have every reason to feel good due too what you have achieved on your journey. Think good thoughts and feel good.

 

Thanks--this is great advice, too; and thanks for the kind and encouraging words!

 

Generally, yeah, I'm tired of feeling like I always have to explain and apologize.

[Gloria25]

You've climbed out of it .

 

You may be understanding yourself better, becoming more 'aware' and feeling the freedom that this brings.

 

Takes a while to get used too, but it's a wonderful thing.

 

Go You!

 

Don't speculate or make assumptions about what other people think of you, it's time consuming and wastes your energy, it doesn't matter what they think, ever.

 

It only matters what you think, you have every reason to feel good due too what you have achieved on your journey. Think good thoughts and feel good.

 

Very much agreed ^^...

 

One thing I highly recommend is to "breathe"...

 

Before you do/say something, take a step back, breathe, and get perspective. When we've been through stuff, I believe we can become extra sensitive. So problem is, when you might be just dealing with an annoying co-worker (every place has one or more) - you might see it as a personal attack. Problem is, distinguishing between a heightened state of awareness and paranoia.

 

Next, you don't have to explain yourself to anyone. I used to be clear and frank with people...that only resulted in my exposure and people taking advantage of the info you gave them. Like others said, you may think people are saying/thinking/doing this or that about you when it's not that at all.

 

If people see you moody, just say that you were up watching X show and need to get more rest cuz it makes you crabby when you don't get enough sleep. Who cares if it's not the truth. You don't owe an explanation to these strangers - yes, I said "strangers".

 

I feel ya. In my current job, I'm trying to come in all cheery, but already am getting tired of being in the same worthless environment of pathetic people. I have my days that I'm worried that they're noticing that something's up with me, but I can't tell them about where I came from and the stresses I had before I came there. Recently I was about to declare war on them, but thankfully I took a step back and regrouped and am tackling it a bit different. Stepping back was necessary too, cuz I came to find out that it wasn't only me - that other people were in the same boat. So, again, breathe, take a step back and get perspective. I mean, I take a look around the workplace and see others - like me, who have tuned out the crew and I'm like 'Hey, if he/she is cool with doing their own thing, then why do I feel worried about doing my own thing?'

 

And like you, just when I thought I was getting on everyone's bad side - a coworker this week approached me and was cool with me...in other words, don't think all eyes are on you and even if they are, there's one/two people who aren't part of the brood and are cool with you just the way you are.

 

Gosh, what also makes it so hard is how so many females in the workplace have brought on this bullpoopies about socializing as part of your job. I mean, if you're not out eating with them, blabbing your mouth, and all that - you're not a good co-worker...when all it is, is "sheephood". If you don't assimilate, something's wrong with you. I mean, it's so pathetic where people don't wanna do their jobs, they want "help" all the time and if you aren't "helping" them, you're not a "team player". Geesh, what ever happened to people being responsible for doing their job without having to lean on others?

 

So, chin up, hang tough, don't feel you have to confess your business to any of these people and just continue to do your job.

[havehope4291]

hi there, I wrote earlier but I lost it before I could send it so I am trying again.

 

well done for your progress in your journey, it sounds as though you are in the right direction for you. I guess you are probably tired from it all, but don't give up, you have come a long way so just keep going as best as you can.

 

good for you to start standing up to people now. don't feel bad about that, as long as you are polite with it, it should be ok, people are probably uncomfortable with hearing you stand up to them because they are not used to it, and probably secretly deep down don't like the fact that you are getting your strength back again. but keep speaking for what you think is right for you (in a calm polite way) otherwise you will lose your voice and you have worked so hard speak up for yourself, especially if people are getting too nosey or too personal with you at work.its not easy, but some times you have to say enough of this, its cannot go on, it is damaging me on the inside.

 

remember you are at work to work!!! and like everyone who works, want to be paid for that so you can do other things with your time. don't feel pressured to go out with these catty girls, in-fact I would say DON'T go out with them again, well not for a good while.

 

you could try asking how their weekends went and see if they respond any friendlier to you. if they are still funny about it you tried. if they invite you out again tell them you have a lot going on at the moment so you wont be going out much from work, tell them you probably will go out nearer Christmas if the company have an official works night. but honeslty I would be very very careful of these girls. cattiness might be their way of starting to bully, so I would keep your distance from them or anyone at the work place that is getting too much into your personal life. you don't have to be sharp with them, if they comment on your mood, just say sorry I don't mean to be funny ive just got a lot on at the moment and its on my mind alot and leave it there, if they keep on, just say id rather not get too into it right now.

 

are these girls young, if they are, put it partially down to immaturity and maybe trying to live up to a career identity insecurity in the work place, I see it all the time, young things with a lot of new found power and real spending power and no major responsibility in their home lives, I don't want to knock younger people here generally because I have worked with some really really lovely, very very professional younger people, some who have serious job roles and can handle them, but a good majority of young people in this technical time are living in false some celebrity, gossip media fed expectation and back stabbing competitive bubble where they have to jostle to be seen as something more than they actually are or have knowledge and depth about in the workl place/life and so favour shallow conversations and follow blindly what magazines and universities have fed them. but that's NOT ALL YOUNG PEOPLE, SO OTHERS WHO ARE REASDING THIS AND WHO ARE YOUNG and mature, don't jump down my throat i am not saying all young people are like this,

 

remember this thread is designed to help someone, and if that is possible in some small way thats a great thing regarldess of the need of that person or thier age, circumstances. its about taking people young or old as you find them to be.

 

if these catty ladies are older (then shame on them!) but you are probably a victim of cultural insecurity from the other way, i.e. women trying to keep their youth and if you are younger than them or shy then they could see that as a threat because you are diligent, sensitive to your workplace and job.

 

is there a male who is not part of their catty freindships or is a bit shy in the owrkplace that you have spoke to and you feel you could trust him not to talk to them or have the everyday small talk work with but not so tehy then think you are both an item. it might just make you feel a bit more human in the working day if there is someone freindly but not so overpowering on your side.

 

ask him what he thought of the woman they are so sorry to lose. It might be interesting to get a calmer male view, he might say she was just a nice person and was ok, and that can help you get her into perspective.

can you speak to you boss/supervisor and say you are facing some personal things at home so if you have given a dour side at work it is not meant you are trying to keep freindly but wish to focus on your work, tell them your fine but are tyring to avoid distractions.

 

tell your boss you are worried that maybe people might be comparing you to the colleague that left, what do they think of your performance so far, and is he/she happy with work.

 

Say you are aware you have a different working style but can give other things to you role if given a chance. they have hired you because they belived in you. if your boss shows concerns that you are not bonding, say id prefer to go to only major office celebrations, you'll join in with the others but work comes first.

 

I think if you actually met this woman they rate over you, you might actually find out that she left because eventually she was tired of being around these draining, shallow people too, but she was too professional and they didnt realise they were such immature bores. also you might find that the catty girls are only remembering the good times because they have forgotton the down days when she was with them. catty people are catty no matter what, i cant believe they changed in her company that much, maybe this woman was a bully and thats why they miss her? but dont aspire to be like that, that really is sad!!!!.

 

don't feel overwhelmed by these people, you have said it yourself, there are others who can tune out to it at work when they feel drained by it all, so maybe try and learn how to tune out to it as well. maybe try to boost your spiritual life, or have a few treats lined up to look forward to, do something you enjoy.

 

don't bother with coming in all cheery, you can still be pleasant but not trying to be cheery. it maybe that they can sense a false cheeriness becasue it is what they do all the time; and so you may ironically be seen by shallow people as just as shallow as them as they recognise the shallow behaviour, so they have invited you out thinking you are a shallow person like them.

 

if it all still gets too much, is there a way you can switch deptartments. or offices or locations? or if that isn't possible maybe think about it in the new year it may be that you need to have a new job (but in the same area), but don't leave till yourve tried some things out and given it a bit more time. hopefully they may back off if you say you've got family stuff going on, but you must still be friendly and polite but stop them going too far verbally with you, no one should put up with that all day at work!!!,

 

but my advice is to keep your personal distance from these people. it isn't worth getting into a dangerous place or unemployment for. remember if you are still feeling lonely you can always talk to Samaritans. its there for everyone who wants to talk, its in confidence and may give you a bit more hope or peace.

 

just remember your journey. you are on the path that is already a better one for you. you will get to the other side, eventually. I think your boss needs to know how you feel sooner or later if this is still going on by the end of November, he/she might be able to help or be more sympathetic to your environment. but remember; don't go into too many personal details with your boss, it could backfire; but, if they see you are struggling they may want to help.

 

either that or you could try and find a confidential work helpline via H.R. or work magazine if you have one; but I would say Samaritans for now will give you a release that is 100% confidential,

 

don't give your boss a reason to doubt your ability!

 

GOOD LUCK and remember the kaleidoscope you are experiencing when you have your good days. keep the focus on what it will feel like when you make your journey to the end. tune out at work when it gets difficult and focus on what and who are the people that are positive in your life.

[aurelius99]

I can totally relate to your post. It's perfectly normal. Your main concern seems to be how to explain what you're going through to others. You don't. Let them just see the process and end result. Sure, if you want to share your thought, share your thoughts. This might make YOU feel better. But don't for one second feel like you owe others an explanation. You don't owe them anything. What you choose to share is up to you alone.

[Zapbasket]

I can totally relate to your post. It's perfectly normal. Your main concern seems to be how to explain what you're going through to others. You don't. Let them just see the process and end result. Sure, if you want to share your thought, share your thoughts. This might make YOU feel better. But don't for one second feel like you owe others an explanation. You don't owe them anything. What you choose to share is up to you alone.

 

Thank you. I think I'd just like to not have to articulate to anyone what I'm going through.

 

At the same time, I'd be lying if I said I didn't just wish someone where I live could give me a little love and understanding.

[Toodaloo]

Have any of you ever gone through a period like this? How did you deal with the people in your life, near and far (emotionally), while you went through it?

 

I went through this a few years back when I died. It was bit of a wake up call that things had to change. So change them I did.

 

I just went awol (which I sometimes do anyway) for a while and did my thing.

 

Thing is you don't need to be in peoples pockets all the time. You can pop up every now and then and say hello and then go back to ground. Life moves on it isn't static. You may not notice it but it does change and evolve around us.

 

You don't need to apologise or explain anything. Your life belongs to you. No one else.

 

When I popped my head up again and people asked I told them I "just got happy". they all seemed to accept that and be pleased for me so?

 

My advice to you is don't fret. Just get on and move on upwards and carry on doing what you need to do to get yourself back to a good place again.

[VeveCakes]

Thank you. I think I'd just like to not have to articulate to anyone what I'm going through.

 

At the same time, I'd be lying if I said I didn't just wish someone where I live could give me a little love and understanding.

 

I am going through something similar.

 

Do you practice yoga? You might find similar mindsets there...and it's good for the soul.

 

Also, try watching some Teal Swan on youtube....she will push this change in you even further.

 

Don't worry about the co-workers, some people are stuck and they don't "get it" when people are finding themselves and reaching new limits. I would just keep it to yourself, and enjoy the process of becoming self aware.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Green cove, have you thought of consulting an IC to help you through the changes that you are undergoing? Maybe he/she will be able to guide you ad to how to handle the situations you are facing in an appropriate manner. It's just a thought and you can try it if you feel it will help. Warm wishes.