How to tell a child that they are not yours biologically?

October 17, 2016

A scenario to illustrate the point - what if a man married a lady who was already pregnant and then raised the child as his own. Is it necessary to tell the child that they are not his biologically? If so, then when and how?

A second hypothetical scenario - what if an aspiring mother is barren and must adopt a baby. Should she tell them they were adopted and if so, how and when?

There are many other scenarios which invite this question. Must a child always know who their biological parents are? What age is best to start telling them?

October 17, 2016

I think it should be told as soon as possible and this after consulting a therapist on how to proceed best for the child.

About 2 years ago I was dating a 45 years old that had just been told that the man who raised him was not his bio dad and his bio dad was in NY and on his death bed wanting to see him. Can you imagine how disturbing it was for this ex-bf? He was dealing with a lot of resentment against his mother for not telling him at a younger age, then he started feeling resentment against his siblings who were in fact his half-siblings, then he started to worry because as a nurse he knew his bio father medical history was important and he had 4 kids etc etc etc. I can't tell you how devastating it was for him to learn this as an adult.

October 17, 2016

IMO, if there's a way the child won't find out, then don't tell them.

Of course with adoption, eventually, and if they don't look like you, you're going to have to tell.

There's books out there, but IMO, the best way is to keep it simple. Tell them that their parents loved them so much to make the sacrifice to give them to a family that could provide a home, food, and love for them too. Cuz thing is, don't wanna let the kids think they were abandoned and unloved.

The lesson you need to hit home with them is that biology isn't a requirement to be a loving parent. What counts is the family you have now (and hopefully from this point forward) - related by blood or not.

October 17, 2016

IMO, if there's a way the child won't find out, then don't tell them.

My BF bio dad left at his birth. His mom remarried and his step dad raised him. He always knew his step dad wasn't his real dad. He doesn't remember being told because it was just something he knew since he was able to talk also he has his mom's last name.

I will ask him tonight if he would have preferred his mom make him believe his step dad was his real dad. I doubt he'd say yes.

October 17, 2016

My BF bio dad left at his birth. His mom remarried and his step dad raised him. He always knew his step dad wasn't his real dad. He doesn't remember being told because it was just something he knew since he was able to talk also he has his mom's last name.

I will ask him tonight if he would have preferred his mom make him believe his step dad was his real dad. I doubt he'd say yes.

Well, I don't get why he or other people in such a situation would be mad for not being told. For all he knew, his bio dad just had sex and didn't want a kid. It's one thing if bio parents wanted to be involved with a child and that right was denied the bio parent (i.e. kidnapping, hiding pregnancy).

IMO and experience, just cuz someone shares your DNA doesn't mean they are qualified to be a parent. Sometimes kids are born into bad situations (one night stands, rape, minors having sex) and telling them that they were not bio to you has what effect?

My dad was a terrible guy. On his death bed he did what everyone does, repenting and crying and a wishing... it's a little too late at your death bed to expect the world to treat you like you did something for them.

And to your bf? Is it really worth it to spit in the face of the man who loved in raised him over his bio dad - who is practically a stranger? Is it ok for him to question his mother's judgment and shame her for having the courage and wisdom to get him a better dad?

Thing is, your bf has no idea what happened between his mum and bio dad. For all we know it could have been a ONS gone bad. Why not let sleeping dogs lie?

Edited October 17, 2016 by Gloria25

October 17, 2016

My mother was adopted. She was told around 6, didn't bother her, when your young I think you know but it doesn't matter. They don't understand what all of it involves.

I found out about my grandparents around 13-14. Didn't bother me because they are amazing, basically raised me.

I found out my Dad wasn't really my Dad. My bio Dad was someone my mother dated that my gp's didn't approve of. I met him at 19, I tried to be involved the in family, but it's just weird.

October 17, 2016

I'm not entirely resolved as to the answer to these question, but is concealing a fact not lying by omission?

Is lying ever acceptable?

@Gloria - yes there are so many possible layers of complexity. It is only possible for a man to be a biological parent without knowing it and someone deliberately concealing it from him has done as badly as lying to him.

However, there are many scenarios where one could argue that a biofather is not worthy of knowing. One could write about them for pages.

@Gaeta: You are right, those actually in that sort of situation are the ones who can best tell us.

October 17, 2016

Well, I don't get why he or other people in such a situation would be mad for not being told. For all he knew, his bio dad just had sex and didn't want a kid. It's one thing if bio parents wanted to be involved with a child and that right was denied the bio parent (i.e. kidnapping, hiding pregnancy).

IMO and experience, just cuz someone shares your DNA doesn't mean they are qualified to be a parent. Sometimes kids are born into bad situations (one night stands, rape, minors having sex) and telling them that they were not bio to you has what effect?

My dad was a terrible guy. On his death bed he did what everyone does, repenting and crying and a wishing... it's a little too late at your death bed to expect the world to treat you like you did something for them.

And to your bf? Is it really worth it to spit in the face of the man who loved in raised him over his bio dad - who is practically a stranger? Is it ok for him to question his mother's judgment and shame her for having the courage and wisdom to get him a better dad?

Thing is, your bf has no idea what happened between his mum and bio dad. For all we know it could have been a ONS gone bad. Why not let sleeping dogs lie?

Maybe we see things differently because we are women and our role is to nurture over and above DNA. Men feel differently at times. That DNA, where they are coming from, their genes and medical history may be important.

In my BF's case he knows his bio father abandoned his mom and him at birth. They were in a relationship but when his mom got pregnant (talking 49 years ago) bio-dad didn't do the right thing (marry her) and he split.

In BF's case the step father was not the loving dad he would have wished for. He was extremely abusive and my BF has burns mark all over his body to remind him of this abuse. He also kept his mom's last name and all of his siblings had step-dad last name, it just amplified BF was not welcomed.

BF hates the man that was his step father growing up. His mom is not with him anymore. BF doesn't have warm feelings for his bio-dad either. I am not sure which he hates the most. Probably both equally.

October 17, 2016

Maybe we see things differently because we are women and our role is to nurture over and above DNA. Men feel differently at times. That DNA, where they are coming from, their genes and medical history may be important.

In my BF's case he knows his bio father abandoned his mom and him at birth. They were in a relationship but when his mom got pregnant (talking 49 years ago) bio-dad didn't do the right thing (marry her) and he split.

In BF's case the step father was not the loving dad he would have wished for. He was extremely abusive and my BF has burns mark all over his body to remind him of this abuse. He also kept his mom's last name and all of his siblings had step-dad last name, it just amplified BF was not welcomed.

BF hates the man that was his step father growing up. His mom is not with him anymore. BF doesn't have warm feelings for his bio-dad either. I am not sure which he hates the most. Probably both equally.

Well, I'm sorry that your bf's step dad also sucked. But still, his bio dad is literally a stranger who never tried to step up and be a parent.

That's why I emphasized that you gotta let the kids know that they are/were loved (well in Gaeta's bf's case, unfortunately he got it bad on both sides), cuz then you got the child in some fantasy that their life will somehow miraculously morph into a fairytale upon meeting their bio parent.

October 17, 2016

Well, I'm sorry that your bf's step dad also sucked. But still, his bio dad is literally a stranger who never tried to step up and be a parent.

That's why I emphasized that you gotta let the kids know that they are/were loved (well in Gaeta's bf's case, unfortunately he got it bad on both sides), cuz then you got the child in some fantasy that their life will somehow miraculously morph into a fairytale upon meeting their bio parent.

My first post in this thread was a about an ex-BF learning at 45 his dad wasn't his bio dad. In his case his step-dad had been a real father to him and continued to be. The ex-bf always considered his step dad his real dad. Meeting his bio-dad actually re-enforced his attachment to his step-dad.

In his case even though he grew up in a loving family and he loved his mom dearly he felt betrayed by her never telling him. He felt everyone around knew but him and somehow that made him feel like a fool.

October 18, 2016

Whether people can tell if the baby is yours biologically or not doesn't matter, it's you becoming a father and being willing to bring it up as your own that does.

October 18, 2016

The only father they need to know about is the one who is there for them.

October 18, 2016

A scenario to illustrate the point - what if a man married a lady who was already pregnant and then raised the child as his own. Is it necessary to tell the child that they are not his biologically? If so, then when and how?

This is pretty much my scenario with my twin boys..

I've been there from the start, I sat in the NICU, i signed the birth certificate, I was there when they took their first steps, Frasers first word was Dada. I taught them to swim, and i jumped in when Ronnie decided to throw himself in the lake. I was there the first time the kicked a ball, and rode a trike. I'm the one they sprint to when i pick them up from nursery and i'm the one they cry for when they get scared at night.

I've been there from the start and i'll be there as long as there's air in my lungs! I'll take them to footie practice, and rugby, and boxing and swim meets, and whatever else! I'll take them camping, i'll teach them to fish and to farm and to surf. I'll teach them to drive ....and i'll be the guy they call when they reverse into some carpark wall if they drive anything like their mother!! I hope i'll get to see their wedding days and i hope i'll get to be their childrens grandad!

I'll do all that. I'll be their dad. I will try every day to be the best dad that i know how to be.

So i don't see any reason to lie to them, cause all that stuff above, that's what counts not genetics! And if nurture really does shape your personality, and i can have any influence on the kind of men those boys become. Then i firmly believe that they'll be the kind of men that feel the same way.

I don't need to lie to be their dad.

October 18, 2016

I am sure professionals' opinions vary on this. I think the truth needs to come out eventually, before the child becomes an adult, because they have the right to know where they come from, to be aware of their genetics and medical family history at a minimum. In this day and age of the Internet and genetic testing, keeping adoption a life-long secret is not realistic, anyway, so the question becomes a matter of when, rather than if.

I have a friend whose son is adopted... She chose to let his adoption be a fact of his life from the very beginning. Theyve celebrated "gotcha day" since he was a baby. I think this is a great approach, allowing him to be comfortable with his history from a young age and framing what is a traumatic experience in a positive light. It also gives him the opportunity to ask questions as he becomes ready for them, and avoids surprises later on.

That's not to say nurture is not important... Of course it is, and it is the people doing the nurturing who will always be the real parents. But there is no reason to lie about adoption.

Edited October 18, 2016 by lucy_in_disguise

October 18, 2016

I think you tell them quite young, as soon as they are old enough to understand. One thing you'll notice, is a LOT of kids movies have adoptions in them. This can be a good way to try and help them understand.

Anytime you try to hide this kind of stuff from a child, when they find out later they will resent the fact they weren't trusted with this information.

October 20, 2016

My brother still does not know that he is not our father's biological son. There's no need for him to find out, either. He has enough issues to deal with.

October 20, 2016

some illnesses need the real family around for check-ups and cures

I say real because it is true - so just who are dissenters kidding?

when adoptees are lil cute and inartuculate, you listen, but you do not listen to us when we are all grown up

we do not want to live your lie forever

In answer to the OP - tell them young, five or so, a child has other interests then, toys fun, tell them you love them, that the news makes no difference to you

the child as adult likely keeps in touch with all the adults now as an adult themselves, which depends on mutual likeability obviously

Edited October 20, 2016 by darkmoon

October 22, 2016

some illnesses need the real family around for check-ups and cures

I say real because it is true - so just who are dissenters kidding?

You've got to be kidding me!!

Some bloke who's name we don't even know, who had a drunken one night stand with my gf, who lives on the other side of the country, who doesn't even know my sons exist and CERTAINLY doesn't know that Ronnie loves all animals and country music but has unexplainable levels of hatred for peas, or that frayz is a complete live-wire, never happier than when all eyes are on him, but he's the one that'll come climb into bed with me at night when there's a storm outside or the foxes start screeching!! That's what makes real family!

But he's more there real dad than me? BS! He's a no more than a sperm doner!

My real family are the people that fill my happiest memories, they are the people that I know will be there if I need them unconditionally, they are the people that love me and they are the people I love and would lay down my life for!!

It has s*** all the do with blood!

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How to tell a child that they are not yours biologically?

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