How has having children (or not having them) affected your relationship?

October 18, 2016

No doubt that there are people that should not have had children and have regrets. I am not one of them.

Further, I don't judge anyone who chooses not to have children. People have to make their own decisions about their life.

I am just relating my experiences. My children have kept me from grounded from the word go. And, I have been very lucky with them as well. They have all grown up healthy, happy and successful people.

I am just one of those guys that just loves babies and children in general. To this day I can quiet any baby that is upset. I have done it may times in a restaurant where a young couple just does not know how to quiet the child down. I just pick them up, with permission of course, talk to them for a minute, and quiet the baby down so everyone can eat.

And, obviously there are people that should not have had children. But, if your MIL had not had children, you would not have your wonderful husband.

October 18, 2016

Further, I don't judge anyone who chooses not to have children. People have to make their own decisions about their life.

THANK YOU!!!

Like recently. Am I supposed to congratulate you on your announcement?

Number #1. I don't know you from Adam.

Number #2. I already see that you're gonna diss that kid cuz of your job. So, why am I gonna congratulate someone who is gonna neglect a poor kid.

Number #3. If you weren't rubbing it in everyone's face, I would probably had genuinely wish you the best. But, since you were (again) begging for attention, you lost mine. Go away already.

Women are so stupid. I'm getting sick of the pathetic women out there. I really am.

October 18, 2016

I never wanted children, I'm not interested in children, and I don't have any children with either of my husbands ( or anyone else ! )

I made my views clear to my first husband before we got married. When we got divorced (because of his cheating) he told me that "he wouldn't have done it if we'd had children" which was the biggest load of 'cheater-speak' I'd ever heard.

My second husband had no children, and never wanted any. Many of our friends don't have children through choice.

We have nice lifestyles and don't feel we have missed out on anything.

I am a firm believer that "every child should be a wanted child", so if you don't want them, don't have them just to please your parents or fulfill societal expectations.

October 18, 2016

BTW, my childless life is just fabulous!!!

Yet all your posts are filled with bitterness. What was your most recent thread about? How you look at the bad in everyone? Almost every thread you start is something negative. Either about men or people in general. Your posts don't lead me to believe you are happy at all. Simply a bitter middle aged woman who still hasn't figured out what she wants in life and spends a lot of time dwelling on the negatives.

I have nothing against you at all, but I don't believe you feel your life is fabulous one bit. You want to believe it. You wish it were true, but deep down you know it isn't true. Just read your own posts, you sound so negative all the time.

October 18, 2016

Having children has and is a wonderful thing for me. However, children can put stress on your relationship if you don't prioritise it and work as a team.

If one person (usually the mother), is left to do all or almost all the childcare duties, then resentment can build.

You need to make time for yourselves as a couple and realise you're more than a mum or a dad.

Keep regular date nights .... which we do even with kids now.

Get family or other babysitters to help.

Make time for yourselves as individuals as well.

I hear people say they've never left their child with the dad ever alone overnight ... even at a few years old. Then they get very stressed out when they have to go away.

As much as possible, don't stop doing the things you do without kids .... when you have kids.

Keep doing things that are special to you both, as that helps you maintain an emotional connection.

You're a couple .... before you're parents.

October 18, 2016

Yet all your posts are filled with bitterness. What was your most recent thread about? How you look at the bad in everyone? Almost every thread you start is something negative. Either about men or people in general. Your posts don't lead me to believe you are happy at all. Simply a bitter middle aged woman who still hasn't figured out what she wants in life and spends a lot of time dwelling on the negatives.

I have nothing against you at all, but I don't believe you feel your life is fabulous one bit. You want to believe it. You wish it were true, but deep down you know it isn't true. Just read your own posts, you sound so negative all the time.

See, here goes the lecture...

'If you only had a kid and husband you'd be happy.'

Regardless of what I'm going through personally, people now a days are rude, self-centered and many marry and/or have kids just to show off, keep score, and try to act like they can 'do it all'...then wanna act the butt towards anyone that isn't on their camp.

Ever figure that if there weren't people like that, I'd probably be a nicer, happier person?

I'm secure in me and my choices...what's upsetting me is all the heat I'm getting at my job for not joining the idiot clique. I've been doing like one of my gfs said, which is when they come around, just ignore/avoid, but gosh darn, they literally will follow you around and try to corner you (ie jump in the elevator with you) and then start asking/saying stupid crap and you're like, 'How do I tell this fool to f- off professionally?'.

Edited October 18, 2016 by Gloria25

October 18, 2016

Relationship satisfaction declines in the first few years after having a child but comes back later.

October 18, 2016

Oh you're relationship will change alright but you will love those kids more than you ever thought possible. It's really beautiful.

October 18, 2016

Couples with children split up, couples without children split up. The same goes for cheating and any other negative action.

I have been married more than 19 years now, and my children and my spouse are the biggest loves in my life. The love is different,and loving my children as much as I do hasn't diminished the love for my spouse. In fact, it has made it deeper.

Having children is a huge decision, and one not to be taken lightly. Not everyone is cut out to be a parent,and there is nothing wrong with that. To each their own.

Also, keep in mind that, anytime you have a child , you roll the genetic dice so to speak. Your child may be perfectly healthy, or they may have health or developmental issues. You likely won;t know how you'd handle that unless/until it happens.

October 18, 2016

You know what I would like?

If all people respect the differences in others. When I was 33 - 35, this idiot of a doctor refused to do a partial hysterectomy on me cuz she, believed that medical school somehow gave her the power to make reproductive choices for people...

Here I am, 40, and still no desire for kids. I heard Janet Jackson, at 50, is having a child and I'm so tired of this generation having kids for show/tell and acting as if they're part of some dignified and elevated clique - when they don't wven parent. They literally dump off the kid, (even barely a few months old) into daycare and/or a relative.

So pleeeze, spare me the lecture on what I'm missing out on when you can't even bother to spend more than a few hours with your kid.

Around the time I had to be there for my sis-in-law's birth to the baby, I had a moment where I was wondering what ifs, but nah, after that little thing crying a few nights in the hospital and the bills, the novelty wore off pretty quick. The other day she was talking how the baby doesn't let her sleep in and I in my head was like "who cares, that's what you wanted...another baby, so deal with it"

I was watching that 'When the Bough Breaks" movie Friday night and sorry, when I see people with kids, I feel nothing. No desire. I actually felt the whole sci-fi and morality questions with putting your IvF, surrogates, and desperation to have a kid even made any desire to have a kid a bitter pill to even imagine swallowing.

So, when people - especially now a days - blurt out, 'we're expecting/pregnant', I just roll my eyes. Cuz it's just show and tell and I feel sorry for the poor kid to be born to two selfish, self-centered jerks.

BTW, my childless life is just fabulous!!!

I'm rolling my eyes at you.

There are people who really want to have children, and may have gone through years of infertility treatments and heartache, and when they finally get the news that they are expecting, of course they are going to be thrilled. It's not about showing off, it's about the joy they feel. For them, being a parents was important to them, and finding out they are going to have a baby is the first step towards achieving that dream.

For them, it's not about showing off.

October 18, 2016

Of course children will change your relationship. It will be your most happy moments shared together and at the same time your most difficult ones.

Children are a huge challenge. For years you lack sleep, all your money goes toward them, forget about going out on the spur of the moment your babysitter availability will dictate your outings. Your life will evolve around fisher price toys, diapers, cooking home-made baby food and diaper rash lotion. And we don't go into how it will slow your career pace etc etc.

To make it through having children you have to want it bad.

My daughter is 29, I only have her as a child. She is not interested in having children and I support her in her choice 100%.

October 18, 2016

Nah, I am simply not cut out to have a kid of my own for some of the most selfish reasons. I don't mind to adopt though and will try my best to love and guide the adopted kid(s)

October 18, 2016

Nah, I am simply not cut out to have a kid of my own for some of the most selfish reasons. I don't mind to adopt though and will try my best to love and guide the adopted kid(s)

Your stance doesn't make sense to me. You're not cut out to have children but you are cut to adopt and raise someone else's offspring? If I wasn't going bald, I'd scratch my head at this statement.

October 18, 2016

I agree with most of the other posters regarding the joys of having children, I also have many friends who chose not to have children. Both options seem equally viable, I wouldn't say any one's choice was wrong it is merely what suits them.

Now one thing I did notice with having children is that it put one hell of a dent in our sex life.

We'd pretty much been at it like rabbits until we had our fourth child and then a largely sexless marriage hit us.

My wife was knee deep in diapers, children, laundry, babies, diapers, babies, diapers, hungry horny husband, children, laundry, school, pre school etc. etc.

I was working as hard as I could to put a roof over our heads, go off to work, come home, bolt some food down and off to another job. crash into bed, wake up like a zombie and repeat.

It is difficult for a wife to feel like a sex kitten when she is, lets face it, treated like a kitchen appliance in some respects.

And it is difficult for a guy to be Mr Romance when his eyes are hanging out of his head with tiredness.

As the kids got older we resumed 'normal bedroom operations'.

October 18, 2016

Your stance doesn't make sense to me. You're not cut out to have children but you are cut to adopt and raise someone else's offspring? If I wasn't going bald, I'd scratch my head at this statement.

Maybe KathL would rather raise an adopted child rather than bring another human being into the world when there are already so many here already in children's homes or living in unsafe environment.

October 18, 2016

Maybe KathL would rather raise an adopted child rather than bring another human being into the world when there are already so many here already in children's homes or living in unsafe environment.

She said she was not cut out to have a kid.

October 18, 2016

While this is true for many, it is simply not 100% universal.

I have heard my MIL say "I hate you" "I wish I never had you" "I should have had an abortion" "you ruined my life" "you're a loser"

And on and on to her three children.

We're not talking about this kind of madness. This is nothing but abuse speaking to your children like this.

I don't think I'd be as happy as I am if I didn't have my children. They bring me so much pride and joy, but being a parent is not for everyone. It's an individual choice, but yourife will certainly change whenthey are born. It would be rather naive to think kyour life will remain exactly the same.

Some people just shouldn't be parents. It doesn't mean not having kids is selfish. Not at all.

October 18, 2016

THANK YOU!!!

Like recently. Am I supposed to congratulate you on your announcement?

If it's a friend or colleague why not?

Number #2. I already see that you're gonna diss that kid cuz of your job. So, why am I gonna congratulate someone who is gonna neglect a poor kid.

What do you mean by this?

Women are so stupid. I'm getting sick of the pathetic women out there. I really am

Why the very generalisation of women. You often present as though you hate all women on earth.

Pregnancy is good news when you want a child, so of course it will announce it. Just like when you get engaged.

When I was pregnant, I shared my good news with friends and colleagues.

Why do you interpret that as rubbing it in your face? Your attitude could be perceived as jealousy/bitterness by those people. I'm not saying that you are ... just perception.

October 18, 2016

Why the very generalisation of women. You often present as though you hate all women on earth.

Pregnancy is good news when you want a child, so of course it will announce it. Just like when you get engaged.

When I was pregnant, I shared my good news with friends and colleagues.

Why do you interpret that as rubbing it in your face? Your attitude could be perceived as jealousy/bitterness by those people. I'm not saying that you are ... just perception.

This woman is not my colleague. I and others barely met her a few days ago. And, she barely spesks to us. She'll pop in say a few words, and then leaves...she's just a person who works in our department and is temporarily assigned to us. And, this is how she presented it, she whispers, 'I gotta tell you all something that can't leave this room....' then she blurts out 'I'm expecting!!!'...then she starts rambling on about how she doesn't want others to know, how she's a private person, but hey, she's starting to show.

Ok, if you're a private person, why are you telling it to us instead of the people who have been working years with you?

Then, she starts showing her stomach and asking how come we haven't noticed. So one woman says that she started to notice and she's like 'Oh, so I see you've been checking me out!!!' And I'm just rolling my eyes cuz no, unlike the insecure hags I work with, I don't go around checking out other women. .

So, like I said, if she wasn't begging for attention so much, I probably would have given her the fake smile/congratulations to be cordial to a coworker...but nah, I'm done. Already gave congratulations to another one - whom I also just met a few days ago - and, she's also another one begging for attention.

Oh, and how do I know she's just having the kid for show and tell and has no time for it? Before she graced us with such happy news, she literally was bragging how her position requires her to put in X amount of unpaid overtime cuz she has to take as much time (including weekends) to get it done. Ok, so, is her husband Mr. Mom? How is she gonna have time for a kid if she's so busy and stuff with this job? Again, how can I congratulate someone who is a stranger and from what I see, is going to neglect a poor child?

When I told ly family and friends, they were like, 'You work with weird people. Do they have any friends outside of work? They just want attention so bad'

Edited October 18, 2016 by Gloria25

October 19, 2016

So, like I said, if she wasn't begging for attention so much, I probably would have given her the fake smile/congratulations to be cordial to a coworker...but nah, I'm done. Already gave congratulations to another one - whom I also just met a few days ago - and, she's also another one begging for attention.

Oh, and how do I know she's just having the kid for show and tell and has no time for it? Ok, so, is her husband Mr. Mom? How is she gonna have time for a kid if she's so busy and stuff with this job? Again, how can I congratulate someone who is a stranger and from what I see, is going to neglect a poor child?

There are some women who tend to chat a lot about their pregnancy, but in my experience that's not the majority.

It is an exciting time for them and it's natural they want to talk about it.

It's very possible and not neglectful to have children and put them in daycare while you work. I'm not sure how this becomes neglect? Or are you suggesting this woman will leave her baby alone? Or with an irresponsible person while she works.

I have children. I took a period of maternity leave and then returned to work after each child. How does that translate to neglect because neither myself or my husband is looking after the children during the daytime.

We have to earn a living and for me I'd be bored not working. Having a child doesn't mean that you are with them 24/7.

October 19, 2016

<<snip attempt at defense>>
When I told my family and friends, they were like, 'You work with weird people. Do they have any friends outside of work? They just want attention so bad'

G, why are you so bothered by this? why not: 'hey, congratulations'; listen to her babble on for a couple of moments; then move on with your life.

when my kids started college, some of my friends children got into high end schools (and others settled). my first went to community college. was i upset and/or angry with those that 'did better', nope. it was the best fit for my child. therefore i can be happy for those that got into 'harvard'.

it really appears you have not fully embraced your decision. for once you do you can share in others happiness.

BTW to the OP: i have said in other threads, being a parent is the worst job on earth: questioning every decision you make; the sleepless nights: when young because they will not stop crying and later when they 'out with friends'; the expense: just food alone; the stress: disagreeing with your spouse or child or...; report card day; their SO left them; crap, a concussion or broken bones; another clogged toilet; the dishes, laundry... and this is just to HS. but i still would not change it for anything. BUT totally understand why some prefer to pass.

October 19, 2016

G,

BTW to the OP: i have said in other threads, being a parent is the worst job on earth: questioning every decision you make; the sleepless nights: when young because they will not stop crying and later when they 'out with friends'; the expense: just food alone; the stress: disagreeing with your spouse or child or...; report card day; their SO left them; crap, a concussion or broken bones; another clogged toilet; the dishes, laundry... and this is just to HS. but i still would not change it for anything. BUT totally understand why some prefer to pass.

This is what puts us off having children, the constant worry and being on edge all the time etc. Kudos to anyone who is a parent. Even when they are old enough and fly the nest, you still worry about them.

October 19, 2016

This is what puts us off having children, the constant worry and being on edge all the time etc. Kudos to anyone who is a parent. Even when they are old enough and fly the nest, you still worry about them.

That's only if you choose to worry about it.

October 19, 2016

Being a parent is not the worst job in the world. It may be the hardest job that you will ever love.

I think that people that feel that way should maybe not have had children.

October 19, 2016

I am not sure that I want kids or not. One of my worries about having children is that it will negatively effect my relationship with my partner. I know for some people that having children is the most important thing in life. However, I would be A-ok if I did not procreate. That is not to say that if I had a child, I wouldn't give it a lot of love and protect it, etc. - I would. It's just that I seem to have always prioritized romantic love and do not want that to be a cost of having a child.

So I'm wondering, how have children affected your relationship? Did it decline? Was it temporary? Did it bring you closer? What were the factors for your success or decline? For those that chose not to have children, did it decline anyway? Or are you relishing your freedom and focus on each other?

More or less - one of the main (but not only) reasons I got married when I did and to who I did. Its also why I remain committed and worked hard on the marriage - despite being hurt and let down by my wife. Its my anchor and my best last purpose in life to be a dad. I also suspect (ok I know) its also why my wife worked hard on herself and our marriage - and became a better wife and mom. I am pretty sure she would have not put in the effort to improve - and left as well without our kids.

I dont say this in a necessarily bad way - but rather its the glue or ties that kept us moving forward and working on things to make them better. I think some people stay for the kids - but dont really try to resolve issues - they just stay. We (mainly me) felt - we are staying so lets really try to make it work. Ships need a a destination and an anchor. Kids are ours.

Edited October 19, 2016 by dichotomy

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How has having children (or not having them) affected your relationship?

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