TheRevenant Posted October 17, 2016 Posted October 17, 2016 (edited) My girlfriend and I started dating in high school; we were each other's first loves and were together 3.5 years. However, after I went to college, I found myself caught up in classwork and didn't make enough time for her, other than on the weekends (which often meant lazing around the bedroom, watching TV and cuddling). We didn't communicate nearly enough in my mind, and I became unintentionally distant. Fast forward: I helped get her into my university, and I made the mistake of taking on too many high-level courses. For the first half of the semester, I found myself working from daylight to dark (my classes begin at 8 AM and end at 6 PM, with daily homework for most of them on top of that). Therefore, I have barely been around her for the first month. Probably unsurprisingly, she asks for a break. At first, I tried to be understanding, but I let fear push me to push her and made all of the mistakes (pleading, obsessiveness). I was never violent, and I never said anything negative about her, though. After a week, she decided this would be permanent. It's been nearly a month since then, and I've failed to cut contact (she's polite, but doesn't seem overtly interested most of the time). She told me she lost feelings for me, she was unhappy (although she insists it had nothing to do with me and that I am wonderful and she still cares about me and would like to be friends). As of yesterday, I've re-attempted to initiate no contact. A bit more information concerning her: She's a farm girl but also a geek. She's always been a bit of a tomboy/wild child, but her parents sheltered her (and I often admonished reckless behavior). She was bullied a lot her last year of high school and fell into a constant state of anxiety. Now that she's in college, she seems to have broken out of her shell and has made a lot of new friends. However, now she is constantly with this new group of friends (which she's only known for half a semester); they all hang out at an older guy's apartment and sleep there, and they've since gotten her into cigarettes, alcohol, and weed. She stays out goofing off until ridiculous hours, and as a result, her grades have been abysmal. She's also fallen for this new guy in her circle of friends that seems to be the complete opposite of me (tall, confident, outgoing, masculine, likes drugs and partying); it seems like she's moving really fast right now. She was talking about moving in with all of these people and living with them after only knowing them a month! She's also already kissed and slept with this new guy, and she stays by his side constantly. Admittedly, while she does seem like she's changing a lot (as is to be expected), she also seems to be really happy and confident and able to speak her feelings much more than before. However, I worry for her future, and I long for a second chance... I feel as though I never gave her what she needed, but I realize that I sincerely love her as a person and would do anything for another shot. Advice? Edited October 17, 2016 by TheRevenant
mikeylo Posted October 17, 2016 Posted October 17, 2016 Move on. She doesn't have feelings for you anymore. Period. She likes another guy. Let her live her own life. You do the same. 1
Author TheRevenant Posted October 17, 2016 Author Posted October 17, 2016 While I know that's probably the best move at this point in time, I can't help but find some of her behavior odd. She's told others she doesn't know how she feels, and she seemed concerned and jealous when I tried dating someone else. Is this typical if you've "fallen out of love"?
mikeylo Posted October 17, 2016 Posted October 17, 2016 How can you be certain that she was jealous ? You are probably seeing what you want to see. Your ship has sailed.
Author TheRevenant Posted October 17, 2016 Author Posted October 17, 2016 When she found out, she interrogated me a number of times and told her friends she was jealous over it.
mikeylo Posted October 17, 2016 Posted October 17, 2016 It could have been a gut reaction but I would still say that she has lost feelings. Happens. That's life.
ExpatInItaly Posted October 17, 2016 Posted October 17, 2016 You two were together a long time, for a young couple. She outgrew the relationship and is exploring her new world. This is very typical. You already know way too much information about her new guy. You shouldn't know that they've kissed, slept together, spend all their time together. That keeps you stuck and you'll do nothing but torment yourself wondering what he has that you don't. How do you know so much about the two of them? The truth is that she has changed. She isn't the same girl you started dating, and you likely aren't the same guy either. That's normal at this point in your lives. It's not that either of you did something wrong, but you grew in opposite directions. She is figuring out who she is and where she fits in. I understand your concern about her and her new lifestyle, but it really isn't your problem anymore. She doesn't want or need to be rescued by you. You need to stick to No Contact so you can begin healing and moving on. 1
LargoLagg Posted October 17, 2016 Posted October 17, 2016 She doesn't know how she feels because her feelings are still in transition. They are changing daily and if she figures out the words today, they are inaccurate tomorrow. What she has figured out is the trend line. She knows where this is headed, she just hasn't completely arrived yet. You can either hang around now and watch her lose all respect for you, or you can make yourself scarce and imagine what she's thinking. Either way, it's going to be unpleasant. If you disappear, of course, you're not "friends", but there's no need to burn bridges.
Author TheRevenant Posted October 17, 2016 Author Posted October 17, 2016 (edited) Thanks, everyone. I guess I'm still kind of stuck in the denial phase. I've always been the more responsible of the two of us, and I'm actually a junior in college now. I guess I assumed because I stayed with her, she would try to stay as well. It just hurts for it all to happen so suddenly with no real warning or discussion. The campus we're on is incredibly small (~2000 students), so I see them on nearly a daily basis. In fact, the lot where we park our cars is so small, that the new guy is often only a few spaces away. As for the other details, she's the one that told me. Otherwise, I wouldn't know about it. I suppose all I can do is move on for now, and maybe we can reconnect later at least as friends once our feelings are sorted out. Although, I can't help but hope for some reconciliation still at some point in the future... Edited October 17, 2016 by TheRevenant
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