yen83 Posted October 17, 2016 Posted October 17, 2016 I've been told by several close friends that I'm experiencing some kind of emotional abuse. Again I'm not exactly sure since everyone had their own opinion about my situation. My boyfriend likes to shut me out whenever he's stressed and/or sad. For the most part I try to just leave him be, I understand the need to be alone and not having to explain everything while still at the current emotional state. He tells me eventually like hours and hours later, which kind of bothers me but I've gotten so used to it that it doesn't matter anymore. When he first got kicked out of his dad's place, I offered that he stayed with me and at my parents place for a week until he finds himself a place for his own. It was hard for him so I gave him space, as nightfall came I started to get worried, I left him 2 text messages (so I don't bombard him) simply saying that I hope he's okay and that I love him. I didn't get anything from him till the moment he knocked on my door which was already 9pm. And still then he barely spoke to me, kind of bothered so I left him alone on my couch while I was in the other room. I was already pissed because well if you're gonna be at my house for a week you can't completely ignore me. But I put those emotions aside since I knew he was at a worst state. He got angry that I didn't comfort him, but then he didn't even wanna speak to me or be near me. I explained that to him and I offered that we take a drive and tell me what happened. Along the road of talking about it, he was also insulting me and the relationship which I personally didn't understand. He wanted me to break up with him, he hates my house, he doesn't wanna be near anyone right now, and even made a confession to me (before we became a relationship) that he was seeing someone else while he was messing around with me... I mean come on really? It's not the first time he's become so mean to me either. Whenever he's stressed He starts talking all this crap about me that he doesn't wanna be near me and doesn't want to talk to me. I give him SO MUCH SPACE. But yet complains that I'm "not there for him" and then kind of starts insulting me. It hurts and I feel the need to always be available whenever he calls when he's at this state. But he can't even give me the same treatment, I like being alone when I'm going through a rough time as well. I let him know what's going on through text or call and that's it. He says ok when he has other stuff to do but when he's alone at his place he bombards my phone with texts and calls. And sometimes I have to submit to it just so he doesn't worry, for the most part we stay quiet on the phone for a long time because I just don't wanna talk. But he won't even let me have my alone time, sometimes I want to cry by myself without someone being there to comfort me all the time. It's just... It's not fair. He blames me so much for "needed space" but then I can't complain whenever I need it. Or that I don't communicate properly since everything has to be politically correct with him. Several close friends have told me that it's emotional abuse and to stand up for what I want from now on. What do you think? What would you do?
PegNosePete Posted October 17, 2016 Posted October 17, 2016 Several close friends have told me that it's emotional abuse and to stand up for what I want from now on. What do you think? What would you do? I think it doesn't matter 2 hoots whether it fits the dictionary definition of emotional abuse or any other term. What matters is that he's a jerk and you're clearly not happy in this relationship. This can't be fixed. He has made it clear that he is not going to change. I would dump him and move on. He's no good for you and the longer you stay with someone who treats you this badly, the harder it will be for you to get into a normal healthy relationship. 2
Author yen83 Posted October 17, 2016 Author Posted October 17, 2016 I think it doesn't matter 2 hoots whether it fits the dictionary definition of emotional abuse or any other term. What matters is that he's a jerk and you're clearly not happy in this relationship. This can't be fixed. He has made it clear that he is not going to change. I would dump him and move on. He's no good for you and the longer you stay with someone who treats you this badly, the harder it will be for you to get into a normal healthy relationship. Thank you. I also had a weird feeling about him when we first got together, never really seemed to put my finger on it, I've discovered quite a few disturbing traits about him along the way. But I should've listened to my gut the first time. Thank you for this
spiderowl Posted October 17, 2016 Posted October 17, 2016 Yes, it sounds like an abusive relationship. Maybe not a deliberately abusive one, but definitely has the impact of being. It is a push/pull situation. He pulls you in then pushes you away. You feel uncertain and try to deal with this (impossible) situation by treading careful and trying to work out what to do for the best. He then berates you for doing something wrong. You can't win in this situation. Unless he changed, you need to get out of it or it will demoralise you and make you feel worthless. You are not worthless but that is the impact this kind of relationship has on a person. You can't manage a situation like this without suffering greatly yourself. Your boyfriend has serious communication problems. That is his problem. He does not know how to conduct a loving relationship. That is also his problem. He is blaming and bullying. That is a a serious matter. Loving someone is not a good reason to put up with bad behaviour or mistreatment. It is a reason for him to get some professional help to sort himself out. You could wait for ever for this to happen and it could be ineffective. Personally, I don't think that it is likely to happen in your lifetime and you are worth more than this. Is there any reason why you cannot dump him and find someone kinder?
Buddhist Posted October 18, 2016 Posted October 18, 2016 In all honesty? Leave him. He is so emotionally stunted and that won't change through any other method than just time and personal growth. We could be talking decades here. When someones emotional coping mechanism is to lash out at others they aren't a good candidate for relationship. This could escalate rather easily to physical violence from him if he keeps going down this road of expecting perfect behaviour from you while lashing out emotionally like that. That is a poor regulator of emotion and right now you're teaching him it's okay to treat you like that. I would have thrown him out on the curb that night, not let him stay a week. The guy needs to grow up.
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