MEOrtega Posted October 17, 2016 Posted October 17, 2016 My boyfriend and I have been dating over a year and we love each other very much and we do a lot of things together and would love to experience going away together. I'm 20 and he is 22, we met when I was 19 and he was 21 at the time. His parents are kind of 'old fashion' I guess or because they're Arab they think us going away with one another while not married is frowned upon. His mom loves me as well as his family so I'm so torn between just telling my boyfriend that he's 22 years old and we've been together a year so why does he need his parents permission to bring his girlfriend? We tried going away over the summer with his friend and his girlfriend but his parents said no. Now my boyfriend is going to Amsterdam for a week in January for his college thesis and he wants to bring me but again his parents said no. Meanwhile the trip is with his classmates and professor and everyone is bringing their significant other besides 3 people. He told me that his parents don't want to be responsible for me if anything were to happen which I get to a degree but it's just so frustrating. I love my boyfriend very much and respect his family, but it kind of bothers me because I feel like they're making the decision for me. He even asked his parents again if my mom or dad were to say yes that I still couldn't go. Am I wrong to feel like this? Any advice would be very helpful. I just feel that we're old enough and I can pay for my own expenses that it should be fine?
LD1990 Posted October 17, 2016 Posted October 17, 2016 Yes, it is fine. Unfortunately, some people like trying to impose their own ridiculous standards on other people. A 22-year-old who still asks mommy and daddy for permission to do things needs to grow up. Your problem is that you're dating a boy, not a man. I'm assuming he lives with them or they support him, which is why he cares so much about what they think? All the more reason for adults to move out and become self-sufficient. Now, if he is self-sufficient and still asks for permission to go on trips with his girlfriend...I'd say you should head for the hills.
Author MEOrtega Posted October 17, 2016 Author Posted October 17, 2016 (edited) Hi thanks for responding! And yes he does still live with his parents (he's an only child too) as do I, but mine aren't so hard on me going away with my boyfriend, they wouldn't tell me that my boyfriend can't go if I'm going away and want to bring him (they may not be keen on the idea but they wouldn't 'ban' him). I really just want to be like "why do you need your parent's permission to take me? they're not even paying." He respects his parents but I believe there's just really no reason for that. As far as being self-sufficient he does work, doesn't really earn enough to live on his own yet though so I guess it's the whole "if you're living under my roof you have to follow my rules" or something like that. Edited October 22, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator language~T
LD1990 Posted October 17, 2016 Posted October 17, 2016 You're welcome! Asking him why he needs his parents' permission is a valid question. At least you can find out if he's acting this way just because he lives with them and doesn't want to rock the boat. Parents who act this way typically do so whether their child lives with them or not, so it's important to figure out if this guy will ever tell them to butt out of his life.
babylonsfire Posted October 17, 2016 Posted October 17, 2016 There's a few scenarios here: 1.) While growing up, my family often took vacations, everything was "paid" for as in place to stay; I still had to pay for everything else, and when i got old enough, contribute to the room. They often booked it several months ahead of time. They would not have let me take a girlfriend with me. In this kind of scenario, since I wasn't staying in my own place, and with them; and often shared a room with my nephew, I understand this. 2.) On the other hand, I know there are parents, like my ex's parents, who don't even care if you're in your own place, you still don't do it. That, is a big problem, and I would let him know its a big problem.
Zahara Posted October 17, 2016 Posted October 17, 2016 I guess or because they're Arab they think us going away with one another while not married is frowned upon. Unfortunately, culturally it's just how they are and it's not going to change. It's not as simple as asking them to butt out. It doesn't work that way. And your boyfriend is likely going to abide by the rules, for as long as he lives with them. Even if he moves out, there will be boundaries that he will probably live by because there is usually a level of appeasing parents that happens in these cultures. I think they would forbid it with no matter who he was dating.
kendahke Posted October 17, 2016 Posted October 17, 2016 (edited) Who is paying for this trip to Amsterdam? Are they footing this bill and you're tagging along bringing your own spending money? Why don't you book your own passage to Amsterdam, book your own hotel room there and you and he meet up and do what you want to do. It sounds like you're mad because they're not going to foot your bill--which they don't have to do: you're not their child and it doesn't matter how much you love each other or how much mom loves you. You are dealing with a culture you have no experience with being raised a Westerner. Edited October 17, 2016 by kendahke 1
Author MEOrtega Posted October 17, 2016 Author Posted October 17, 2016 No i would never expect them to pay for me. I don't even know if they're paying for this trip to Amsterdam because the trip isn't exactly mandatory or required for them to go there but he should go because he's an architect major and observing the area will do him good for his thesis. I have a job and money to buy my own ticket its just the fact that it's like they're kind of controlling the relationship to some degree by saying I can't go and making a decesion for me when it's not their decesion to masked that's why I'm upset. It's nothing for me to buy my own plane ticket and go if I really wanted to but that would probably cause problems and his parents might loose respect for me.
babylonsfire Posted October 17, 2016 Posted October 17, 2016 No i would never expect them to pay for me. I don't even know if they're paying for this trip to Amsterdam because the trip isn't exactly mandatory or required for them to go there but he should go because he's an architect major and observing the area will do him good for his thesis. I have a job and money to buy my own ticket its just the fact that it's like they're kind of controlling the relationship to some degree by saying I can't go and making a decesion for me when it's not their decesion to masked that's why I'm upset. It's nothing for me to buy my own plane ticket and go if I really wanted to but that would probably cause problems and his parents might loose respect for me. If you bought your own ticket, are you also paying for your own room? If you are, even under most traditions/cultures that I know of, if you're staying in separate rooms, wouldn't have any issue with you being along.
smackie9 Posted October 17, 2016 Posted October 17, 2016 I'm sure you can handle a week without him.............Girl your BF and his family come as a package deal. There is only one thing you can do to change the situation and that is to find a different BF that doesn't have strong religious or cultural ties. Is he worth it or not???? If you think dating him is a pain in the a ss just think what it would be like to be married into that. 1
preraph Posted October 17, 2016 Posted October 17, 2016 Unless he has paid for his own education that led him to this thesis, he is still beholden to respect his parents' rules. If they are paying for his education, they have this right. If he still lives with them some, they have this right. No reason to worry unless after he's out of school and living on his own, he still lets his parents tell him what to do. He's not an independent adult yet.
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