Author arla Posted October 17, 2016 Author Posted October 17, 2016 If it doesn't look good now it's certainly not going to start looking better just because you stick around for a while. I was just stop taking everything this man says is being 100% truthful. If you would lie to his wife, what makes you think he wouldn't lie to a 23 year old he's only been dating for a few months? I'm sure there's plenty more to the story of him cheating that you're never going to find out unless you talk to his ex-wife or his mother but that's really not an option for you at this point. And this is how women get sucked into crappy relationships. You know full well how he treated other women in his past and you're just hoping that you're going to be the magic one who changes his ways. It's probably not going to happen that way. It's only been a few months, most guys are pretty decent for the first year or so. After that, you start to see who he really is. Tell him you want to be celibate for a month or two and see how often you hang out. He didn't lie to his ex, he told her that he cheated. He could be lying, if he is he is good at it and I wouldn't know unless someone tells me. I try to believe him because if there is no trust the relationship isn't going to last. I don't want to play games by withholding sex. That wouldn't really show his true characrer, just that he isn't into playing immature games. Between you and I, and all members of LS. Your relationship won't make it to its 7 month. Soon chemistry, butterflies and connection won't be enough to sustain this relationship filled with drama and lead by an immature 32 yo. I hope not... But I guess we'll see. In the meantime I'll leave his mother alone and stay away. Honestly I'd like the relationship to work out but I think it's in the "too good to be true boat". My gut tells me there is some manipulation going on or something else. Just small, subtle things he does. I should listen to it...
Poe77 Posted October 17, 2016 Posted October 17, 2016 (edited) I am thinking about and learning if he is someone I want to spend my life with. But doesn't that include knowing his family? That's part of him, and his life, and would be part of mine as well. Maybe I'm wrong. Their separation was nasty between the two of them but didn't extend out to the family. After marriage she decided she didn't want kids and never did, he really wants them. She became very cold and distant. He cheated one time, and that created more problems. He doesn't talk about her a lot and isnt always trash talking her. He says things for how hey were, good or bad, and moves on. His mom got close with her because she's just like that. She "takes in" anyone (but me I guess). She still talks to a couple of his other exes from time to time. My BF never told him mom why they really divorced, just that they grew apart and he cheated. He said that's none of her business and he doesn't want to trash talk her to everyone. I do kind of worry that if his mom won't approve he won't want to continue the relationship. He says he wants me to meet her again because she will get over her hang ups once she knows me and that he wants the rest of his family to meet me and they only get together on holidays really. We'll have been together for 6-7 months at Christmas and to me that seems like a normal time to meet family. I don't want his entire family to hate me. I know how she feels about me because she has told me, to my face, twice. My BF doesn't really tell me what she says to him. She only says things when my BF is out of the room for a minute. She doesn't say anything when he's there. If he hears her say something he shuts it down immediately. I don't think he is just trying to create drama. He stops it immediately. If his ex is there he leaves or won't go over. He didn't see them last Christmas because she was there. He wants nothing to do with her. He has said if she's there again this year he won't go, unless I want to. I wouldn't, I don't want to play into drama. OP while I dont agree with the mothers behavior at all I can see were some older posters here might. When your younger people automatically assume you are irresponsible and flaky. I dont think that's the case and its not for all people in their 20s ive seen some 20 somethings have their lives more together then people in their 50s sadly that said how ever you are being a tad naive. Honestly as a person who like I said earlier has lived in your situation you will never "make her like you" especially since the EX she is fond of is buzzing around dont be that naive. If you decide to go forward with this relationship expect them to never accept you matter of fact you HAVE TO accept that fact and IF it changes at some point prob way down the road if ever it would be a nice surprise. But you cannot go any further how you are sitting here trying to figure out how to catch a boat that's already sailed all your going to to is drown yourself in the tide! Im almost 40 im to the point in my life I honestly can live with it sure its not my ideal situation but if I never have to see them again im happy my relationship is with him not them it makes for small simple holidays just me and him and that's fine ive been there and done that. But you are only in your 20s you need to sit back and really think if this kinda crap is something you want to deal with? would you be be fine if you never spoke to any of his family again OP? honestly would you? if you find yourself saying no then maybe you should rethink things.. Edited October 22, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator language~T
olivetree Posted October 17, 2016 Posted October 17, 2016 My gut tells me there is some manipulation going on or something else. Just small, subtle things he does. I should listen to it... Can you expand on that? 1
CC12 Posted October 18, 2016 Posted October 18, 2016 ^^^Yeah, and could you go ahead and also expand on the bolded parts while you're at it: I wish I could know for sure if this relationship was a mistake or not. When I remove my emotions and how well we get along, and look at it like: -cheated -divorced, ex still around -mother doesn't want me around -possible momma's boy seeking her approval -10 year age gap -few weird sex things that make me question him and his divorce -we see each other a lot, which a friend has said is manipulative
JewelD Posted October 18, 2016 Posted October 18, 2016 (edited) He didn't lie to his ex, he told her that he cheated. He could be lying, if he is he is good at it and I wouldn't know unless someone tells me. I try to believe him because if there is no trust the relationship isn't going to last. I don't want to play games by withholding sex. That wouldn't really show his true characrer, just that he isn't into playing immature games. I hope not... But I guess we'll see. In the meantime I'll leave his mother alone and stay away. Honestly I'd like the relationship to work out but I think it's in the "too good to be true boat". My gut tells me there is some manipulation going on or something else. Just small, subtle things he does. I should listen to it... Don't be so naive. The cheating itself was a lie. Unless he told her he was going to do it before he did it. You know he's untrustworthy but you're going to pretend like you trust him because you think that's how a relationship works. It's really not. If it sounds too good to be true, then it is. If you want to believe everything he says because you want to be in a relationship, it will bite you in the ass later on down the line. You probably don't want to withhold sex because you know he likes it and you give it to him whenever he wants. The wise thing to do would be to move on but you seem like one of those people who needs definitive proof. If he really cares about you and wants to be with you, he will still come around even if you aren't having sex for a month or so. If he's toying with you because you're young and naïve and give him whatever he wants, he'll probably disappear as soon as you stop. Women who think like this are the reason older men like younger women. Y'all make it far too easy for them. He cheated on his wife, somehow tried to say it was her fault, brought you around his mother who he knew would not like you, wants to continue bringing you around his mother even though he knows she does not like you, weird sex things that you haven't expanded on and he's manipulative. And yet you still want to trust him and think you have a positive future with this man who is 10 years your senior. Best case scenario for you with this guy is that you'll end up in the same position as his ex-wife. But minus the ring because he's not going to marry someone his mother doesn't like. I wonder how hard he would work if your family didn't like him... Edited October 22, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator language~T 2
Author arla Posted October 19, 2016 Author Posted October 19, 2016 (edited) Can you expand on that? ^^^Yeah, and could you go ahead and also expand on the bolded parts while you're at it: I don't know if he does it on purpose or not, but sometimes when we're talking he will one up what I say. If there was something that I've done, saw, experienced, etc. sometimes he'll say something better, worse, whatever. Not always, but sometimes. He has 10 years on me, a lot more time for experiences. It could be nothing. There are times when he acts like he doesn't know something, when I know damn well that he does. Like playing dumb so I feel smarter or better. Not to make himself actually look dumb, but so I explain it or something. Again could be nothing, just trying to not make me feel juvenile. A lot of the dates that we go on are in his area or places he's familiar with. Probably 3/4 of the dates. I just see it as he knows more places since he has been around more and lived her longer. Others I have talked to see it as "home court advantage". We see each other a couple times during the week and every weekend. I have spent a lot of full weekends with him. He doesn't care when I see friends or family, doesn't try to prevent it at all. But I have had a couple friends say that by him wanting to see me so often purposely limits when I can actually see them. I don't know if that's a thing or not. He also still frequently brings flowers or other gifts on dates. I really like it and appreciate it, it's cute and makes me feel good. But again, I have been told by a couple people that's called love bombing and a manipulation tactic. I think he's just being sweet. Along the same lines, he frequently (and always has even from the beginning) calls me hun, sweetie, beautiful, babe, etc. Again, I like it but have been told it's negative. During our dates he always keeps me turned on and slowly builds up the sexual tension. Honestly, I really like it. It's hot and by the time we do get into bed it's amazing. But a couple people told me that's him 'keeping me right where he wants me". Sometimes - maybe every 3rd time - when we have sex he will get pushy or rough. It only lasts for a minute and he corrects himself without me saying anything. He will say something like "f*** sorry" or get really gentle for a few minutes. It feels uncomfortable and makes me wonder if he's just getting too excited (what he says), if he'd like to go rougher/more dominant but doesn't want to tell me or if there is some other reason. He has always take the lead during sex. When we do it, how we do it. If I come onto him sometimes he will say "no not yet" and keep working me up until he wants to. He controls the positions, oral/penetration. If I want to change things up he WILL, and he does make the sex about me and always makes sure that I get off and have a good time. He's very involved and I never feel like there is a disconnect. In writing that, I have to say that other things that he does because it's not all "negatives" (not all the points above are negatives, to me). He's a gentleman, the best that I've encountered thus far. He always opens the car doors, walks on the outside (which I haven't seen since my grandfather), building doors, stands when if I meet him somewhere, pushes in my chair, helps with my jacket, carries everything if we go shopping. Sometimes he'll surprise me at work with a favorite treat or lunch. If he leaves early in the morning he leaves a cute note. He's left cute notes in my purse or jacket pocket for me to find later. He's very cuddly. He calls me almost every day, always at the same time. He's spontaneous, we get along very well, our dates are never boring, we try a lot of new things together, he's adventurous, very outdoorsy. We try and push each other to do things that we haven't or were scared to try. I haven't felt more comfortable with anyone else. He makes me feel amazing. I love the way that he looks at me. He invited me to go to a destination wedding in South America early next year. He's talked about moving in together (my lease is up) but we both agreed it's too early right now. But you are only in your 20s you need to sit back and really think if this kinda crap is something you want to deal with? would you be be fine if you never spoke to any of his family again OP? honestly would you? if you find yourself saying no then maybe you should rethink things.. I've figured out that I won't be able to make her like me, she either will or wont. It's not ideal to have in-laws hate me and not ideal if we married and had kids. Maybe it's silly, but he and the relationship feels worth it. I want him, regardless of his family. You probably don't want to withhold sex because you know he likes it and you give it to him whenever he wants. The wise thing to do would be to move on but you seem like one of those people who needs definitive proof. If he really cares about you and wants to be with you, he will still come around even if you aren't having sex for a month or so. If he's toying with you because you're young and naïve and give him whatever he wants, he'll probably disappear as soon as you stop. I don't want to withhold sex because that's immature and playing games. Why would I do that? Heck, I'd dump someone if they were playing games. He could end it and it could have nothing to do with not getting laid and everything to do with immature game playing. Honestly, at this point I do feel like I need definite proof. I don't want to make assumptions. What if I'm wrong and screw up a great relationship? Maybe with more experiences under my belt I could judge the situation without clear proof. Edited October 22, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
JewelD Posted October 19, 2016 Posted October 19, 2016 I don't want to withhold sex because that's immature and playing games. Why would I do that? Heck, I'd dump someone if they were playing games. He could end it and it could have nothing to do with not getting laid and everything to do with immature game playing. Honestly, at this point I do feel like I need definite proof. I don't want to make assumptions. What if I'm wrong and screw up a great relationship? Maybe with more experiences under my belt I could judge the situation without clear proof. You have friends telling you he's not a good guy, several people on here telling you the same thing, but basically you'd rather experience it for yourself? By all means go ahead, but I expect your friends will have a great deal of 'I told you so's to give you in the near future. You must not have much experience of great relationships, but that's a cop out. You think he might be great later, but is the relationship great now? If it was, you probably wouldn't be on this site asking for advice. I suggest you sit down and write a list of qualities you want in a partner and a relationship. For example, no crazy parents, isn't manipulative, treats me with respect, tries to get to know me and my life instead of always trying to bring me into his. Right now, seems like your only qualifications are that a guy be 'nice'. That leaves you open to a whole lot of bs and baggage that's not going to be worth it.
Gaeta Posted October 19, 2016 Posted October 19, 2016 Everything you have listed is not love-bombing when you're about to reach 5 months dating. Love bombing happens right at the beginning and would never last 5 months, it last maximum 30-45 days than the guy goes poof. Like I said, your best bet is to remain low profile and continue dating and prove his mother wrong with time. Although he may not be a bad guy per say I think he is immature and lacks respect toward you and toward his mother by imposing you on her. You will only eventually be accepted by the mother by respecting her wish. I also think you are fooling yourself by overlooking he cheated on his ex. If you were my daughter I'd want better for you. 2
dpass Posted October 19, 2016 Posted October 19, 2016 None of what you wrote above is a red flag to me. You seem to have a man who is attentive to you, romantic, and great sexual chemistry. I'm guessing your friends are your age? Have they ever dated an older man or do they have anything against them? You can find something wrong with anyone if you look hard enough. In regards to the sex, talk to him. Maybe he would like to try different things, maybe he's use to women (and his wife) saying no and assumes you will as well. He can control it, I wouldn't be worried about anything other than sexual incompatibility. There is nothing wrong with the man (or woman) taking control, so long as both parties are comfortable. As a man, I frequently find myself taking the lead - it's just how it is. I love when the woman does, however. In regards to his mother not approving of you, leave it be. There is no changing it and the only thing that can change it is time. My GF's family isn't my biggest fan. They are very traditional and I am her ex's best friend. They share a child together and while they have been broken up for 6 years, her family still has an issue with it. The ex doesn't, but her family does. It is what it is. They are very traditional and believe that you do not take another man's (a friends) woman. They are slowing coming around and in time maybe they will accept it. If not, it's not a deal breaker. Yes, it is stressful. You might think it's no biggie now and you will just ignore it but it is stressful. When the holidays come around you have to think about what you are going to do. Are you both going to stay away? Is he going to go alone? Are you two going to get to see each other at all on the holidays? Will he resent you for missing those times with his family? What about when you have kids, will they have a relationship with their grandchildren? Will you be able to slap on a smile, for your kids and not talk badly about the in-laws? It is not as simple as just avoiding them forever.
Poe77 Posted October 19, 2016 Posted October 19, 2016 He said she became a b*tch before he cheated, and it's part of what led him to cheat. Prior to getting married the decided to start trying for a bbay right after the wedding and have her be a stay at home mom. After they married she said she didn't want kids anymore and he'd have to deal with that. She wanted to stay home and leach from him. She became cold and distant. After that he cheated. That doesn't make it okay, I know that. I've figured out that I won't be able to make her like me, she either will or wont. It's not ideal to have in-laws hate me and not ideal if we married and had kids. Maybe it's silly, but he and the relationship feels worth it. I want him, regardless of his family. And why didn't he just divorce her before cheating? that seriously doesn't put up a huge red flag in your eyes? instead of trying to fix the issues or leave the relationship all together he chose to sleep with another women behind his wife's back...sure he can justify that all he likes but its still wrong. what makes you think he wont do that to you if problems in the relationship arise? I know you think hes worth it and that's good but dont blind yourself with rose colored glasses to facts that can come back and bite you in the ass big time..It seams now you have more issues ahead of you then just his family ide say..sure people can make mistakes but when you start making excuses for them that's not good..anyways you will do as you see fit in the end good luck with it all..
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