Girlfriend overwhelmed with my divorce

[snowcraig]

I have a pretty complicated situation that I hope you can help me with.

 

So with that, let’s get started.

 

I am in the process of divorcing from my wife. We have filed papers, but are at an impasse as it relates to custody of our 3 children, Rowan (2), Ruby (3), and Jaden (15, the hopefully soon to ben ex’s from a previous relationship, I adopted him). We have been separated now for nearly a year, so while we are still legally married, we have both been dating.

 

About 4 months ago, I met a great girl, athletic, beautiful, funny, etc etc. She has a 7 month old, and just got done with her own nasty divorce / custody situation. She, however, is out of the situation, and building a decent co- parenting relationship with her ex, vs myself whose scenario is very contentious and stressful with my own baby momma.

 

Regardless, things with this girl started off great. We had instant chemistry, kissing on the first date, and having sex on the second, great wild kinky ****ing awesome sex. We instantly started spending at least half our time together, and within a month or so we were even staying together with all the kids. It is important to note that when we started dating I was pretty optimistic that my own divorce / custody scenario would be done soon. The ‘I love you’s’ were exchanged around this time, and we both meant them. We talked about long term plans, buys a house that all our kids would be in, etc etc. Really then for about 2 months things were great

 

Then about 3 weeks ago, my baby momma’s proposal came through, and it was clear that they were not serious about getting done with the divorce soon. Things with my girlfriend seemed to change at that point. She started pulling away, and seemed less into me and the relationship. She started cancelling dates and time we were going to spend together with all the kids. Finally, I confronted her about it a week ago. She told me that she felt like my not being divorce was causing her a great deal of stress and she was feeling overwhelmed because she had hope that my divorce would be final right now. My baby momma has said some nasty things about the gf, further adding stress to the situation. While she said she was still in love with me, she said it was clouding her feelings towards me, and felt like we needed to back off and just hang out when it works. Well, over the weekend, neither of us had our kids, and we still didn’t see each other. Needless to say, I didn’t handle it well, and sent her some stupid ‘do you love me?’ type of texts, which just put more pressure on her. She responded and said she just wanted to let some of the drama clear away, but I just kept picking. Then yesterday she asked me if I was calmed down from the weekend, to which I said yes, I was fine, and no worries (this is the truth). We were the kind of couple who texted all the time. Past couple days has been minimal on her part and mine.

 

My question is this, is it really just my divorce pushing her away, or is it the fact that perhaps the divorce was causing me to exhibit some needy and weak behavior, simply causing her to be attracted to me less? Obviously there are a ton of moving parts here. Part of me feels like if she was attracted to me enough she would deal with the baggage, but part of me gets that she just went through it herself, it’s hard to deal with it all over again.

 

Do I pull back? Right now I really am just focusing on getting myself in the gym, looking as good as possible, and staying busy, without contacting her. Is that the best play? I see some of the mistakes I have been making, too much phone / text, jumping in too deep too fast. Is it salvageable now? I don’t want to lose her. I’ll be ok, but I would rather not.

 

Thank you in advance for your advice. I truly appreciate it.

[JewelD]

She has a 7month old child and just got divorced herself. That's probably limiting the amount of baggage she wants to deal with from you. I think you're downplaying what's really going on. What's this drama with your soon to be ex? How do you and your gf even know what your wife is saying about her? Is she saying it to you and you're relaying it to your gf or are the kids repeating things they've heard?

 

Why doesn't your wife want to divorce you? What is the holdup exactly? I don't blame her for stepping back until it's finalized. For all she knows, you might cave and get back with your wife. Or your wife will just become a nuisance for the both of you. Maybe just let her be until the divorce is finalized.

[MsJayne]

You sound like an intelligent guy, and you obviously have a pretty good handle on the situation. Being around someone who has a lot of emotional drama going on can be more than a new relationship can cope with, especially if a past relationship is the cause of it. It tends to creep into every conversation and be hovering in the background all the time. Sometimes, when something's consuming us and bothering us we tend to go on about it a lot, and that can be really draining for anyone who's around us all the time. If your new partner was looking forward to your divorce being a thing of the past and then it's flared up again it might be more than she can face. You can't blame her for feeling that way. Maybe she just needs some time out, and when you're together try to avoid discussing your divorce, (though it would still be an elephant in the room).

I recall once being involved with a guy who had custody issues with his ex, and I got to a point where I started feeling that his emotional stuff was poisoning my life. From the outside I could see his ex was using the kids as a way of goading him, and he couldn't find it in himself to just say, OK, you have the kids, and accept that he would have to wait until they were old enough to choose to see him. I understood that he may have felt like he was abandoning them by stepping away, but that's the thing, if you choose to let an ex use your kids to emotionally blackmail you, you can't expect a new partner to live with it.

[Raena]

I'm sure your gf really can't handle the drama. It's a lot to listen to someone else's drama, even if you have stuff of your own. It's hard to hear it.

 

I have a male friend who has issues with his ex and even as his friend, not a girlfriend, I find it hard to listen to it all the time. Half the time I just want to say "enough already, yeah she's an arsehole, oh well, just be the best parent YOU can be and stop worrying about her issues" (And I have TONS of issues of my own too. I just choose not to talk about it to him or to most people. No one really wants to hear about it.)

 

I know it's not that easy but that's how it feels to someone else having to listen to it all the time. It's draining.

 

My advice to you is, get your ducks in a row before you try to continue this relationship. Meaning, get the divorce taken care of and make sure to get the drama behind you as much as possible. Dragging old issues into new relationships is never a good idea.

[cocorico]

I'm M to a guy who had a toxic XW who strung out the D and made life as difficult as she could for us during that period. We weathered it, and while her drama has pretty well abated now (she has someone new in her life) her name (let alone her presence) still has the power to push up my H's blood pressure dangerously.

 

Your GF has a young baby. She has no need for drama, having just moved out of that space in her own previous R. How you deal with the S2BXW will shape whether or not you'll have a future with your GF. If she sees you playing into the drama, or yielding too much to the xW, she'll see red flags and walk away. If she sees you acting rationally and decisively, dealing with the s2bxw fairly but firmly and not letting the drama bleed into your R with her, she'll be far more willing to sit it out with you.

 

If you value your R with your GF, don't entertain your X's stunts. If you have a good lawyer, let her / him deal with the X and keep your focus forward, not back.

[aileD]

What are the reasons for your and your Gfs divorces?

 

If there was Infidelity involved, especially in her case, she is going to be wary not to put herself in a similar situation. While she was cool with things st first, now your divorce is stalled and the x hates her and of course she doesn't want to be in the middle of all that

[elaine567]

The relationship is new and it is far too soon for your gf to get mixed up in heavy stuff like this and not be affected.

 

At 4 months of dating the biggest concern as a couple you should have is "Will we go out for a pizza, or will you cook that chicken and we can stay in at your place?"

Her divorce is civilised and calm, she probably doesn't really want to get mixed up with people who cannot handle their affairs without drama and upset.

Also she has a 7 month old already does she really want to deal with 3 extra kids and a hostile "baby mamma" who still loves you?...

 

I guess not.

[snowcraig]

Well, it's not that the S2BXW stl loves me, she moves all the money she's getting under the temporary order, much of which will go away after it's finalized.

 

So, do I go no contact with the gf?

[Miss Clavel]

Well, it's not that the S2BXW stl loves me, she moves all the money she's getting under the temporary order, much of which will go away after it's finalized.

 

So, do I go no contact with the gf?

 

yup, leave her alone. totally.

 

either she really has had enough or she's playing hard to get to get you to get it done.

 

maybe you have to many kids? too much baggage? or she knows she can do better, since she's so beautiful and good in bed.

 

but...she's got a child. and she got divorced. practically while she was in the delivery room. they were married. why did they get divorced?

 

maybe you were a rebound and she's just not up to having four kids no matter how good things are going in the bedroom.

[snowcraig]

What about when she contacts me?

[Miss Clavel]

tap dance. kiss ass?

[planning4later]

Word to the wise:

 

I would avoid using the actual names of your children online in these forums. You'd be surprised how easy it is for people to search for this information and read everything you're writing.

[Mr. Lucky]

Regardless, things with this girl started off great. We had instant chemistry, kissing on the first date, and having sex on the second, great wild kinky ****ing awesome sex. We instantly started spending at least half our time together, and within a month or so we were even staying together with all the kids. It is important to note that when we started dating I was pretty optimistic that my own divorce / custody scenario would be done soon. The ‘I love you’s’ were exchanged around this time, and we both meant them. We talked about long term plans, buys a house that all our kids would be in, etc etc. Really then for about 2 months things were great

 

Talk about the cart before the horse. Not sure why you're rushing into this when you're still married, a question I'd guess the GF is also asking herself. Get your own life squared away before you involve someone else, the resulting stability gives you a greater chance of success.

 

My baby momma

 

Why do you refer to your wife this way ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[lucy_in_disguise]

Seems like you have bigger problems than a relationship of 4 months if you are in the middle of a messy divorce with 3 kids involved. your focus should be on getting your life sorted out and making the transition as easy as possible for your children.... Not worrying about why your new gf may have lost interest. For she has lost interest, I can't say I blame her, your story is full of red flags.

 

How did she end up getting divorced so soon after the first child?

[snowcraig]

Seems like you have bigger problems than a relationship of 4 months if you are in the middle of a messy divorce with 3 kids involved. your focus should be on getting your life sorted out and making the transition as easy as possible for your children.... Not worrying about why your new gf may have lost interest. For she has lost interest, I can't say I blame her, your story is full of red flags.

 

How did she end up getting divorced so soon after the first child?

 

She found out her ex husband was cheating, then the next day found out she was pregnant. So she's been through lots of drama as well.

[olivetree]

It could be that she's just had enough of the drama between her own life and now yours.

 

Or it was the last straw and she already wasn't sure about you.

 

If she's fading away, all you can really do is let her go and call her when you get your life on track.

[Miss Peach]

I've been many years out of my divorce but I have started seeing a guy who still separated. I normally would have just run already but I met him outside of OLD (so I didn't know the first few dates) and I do like his company.

 

I'm very concerned about two things. One is ex drama. The second is whether he's emotionally available enough to even be in a relationship. I don't get the sense he is. I don't know you but with what you are saying about your ex I get the sense you might not be too.

 

I know for me, all talk of seriousness will be off the table with him even though I like him and think he's a good guy.

 

I'm guessing your GF underestimated how much it takes to wait for someone to get through this stuff and wants to move onto someone more ready. I know this will be hard to swallow but you were likely each other's rebounds.

[Satu]

There's a limit to how much change and stress a person can handle at the same time.

 

It might be that when your problems and hers come together, a critical mass is reached, and things become emotionally unmanageable for her.

 

It would be a lot for anyone to cope with.

 

Generally speaking I don't recommend that people go directly from relationship to another.

 

Here's a clip from my journals:

 

 

"Never begin a new relationship until you've fully moved on from the one before.

 

Also never begin a new relationship with someone who hasn't fully moved on from their one before.

 

By 'moved on,' I mean any necessary grieving done, not preoccupied with the ex, enjoying life, feeling good about yourself, and optimistic about the future.

 

The best way to move on, is to decide to be single for a while; not dating, not hooking up, no fwb.

 

'Get back on the horse' is sound advice, but its best to let the cuts and bruises heal before you do."

 

 

ymmv.

 

 

Take care.

[aileD]

As a woman who's been cheated on, if I were ever to get into a new relationship I would be very conscious of making sure I did not do to another woman what was done to me.

 

You're not divorced. You're just separated. Might have been ok with her at firstborn but now there's a bunch of drama and problems with your wife.

 

Yes she's still your wife.

 

Your girlfriend is right to not want to get involved in any of this craziness right now.

 

I would focus on getting that divorce finalized

[kvolm2016]

Reading your post made me think of this article I just read which made these points:

 

Heal First, Date Later

 

Divorce is the death of the dreams you had when you committed yourself "for better or for worse." You can't simply separate from your spouse one day and hit the dating field the next. And as with any loss, big or small, time is needed to grieve and to reassess who you are.

 

Not only does going slow give you time to heal, but it also helps you better assess those you date. If you have taken the time to understand yourself and the dynamics that contributed to your divorce, you are more likely to make a good choice in choosing the second time.