ohleahmarie Posted October 17, 2016 Posted October 17, 2016 My ex and I have known each other for about 9 years. A little over a year ago, we started dating. Things moved pretty fast from there. I moved in with him in November 2015. I decided not to move to NYC as I had planned...and I only had planned on doing that just to get away from Birmingham, AL and because I felt pretty lost in my life. But when I started dating my ex, everything just came together. I decided I wanted to be a nurse and started doing the pre-reqs. We renovated the house together. We planned to get married and have kids (he literally told me I'd probably be pregnant in about 2 years, when nursing school would be ending). We were really in love. We got a dog just about two months ago. Quick background, he's 31 and I'm 28. He was with his high school sweetheart for a really long time and they got married a few years ago and separated in February 2015 because she had cheated on him--at which time, he pursued me. I turned him down. His divorced got finalized. Finally in September of 2015, I changed my mind about him and that's when we started dating. A few weeks ago, he came into our bedroom crying and saying that he needed to see a therapist, that he wasn't happy and that he never dealt with his ex-wife cheating on him and his divorce. He said he was sorry if that affected our relationship but that he was going to get help. I said I understood and that it would be fine. Fast-forward to last weekend (Friday night)... we had been drinking and having a good time at a friend's house for their birthday but he just seemed kind of sad and distant. He left to go take our dogs out and came back to get me a little while later. When we got home, he started freaking out and crying again... just saying that he didn't know what to do, that money was stressing him out and that I was the only thing that cost him money that he could "control" (I currently don't have a job because of school, but we discussed this before I made the decision to quit my job). So Saturday was pretty normal, and then Sunday I just asked if he wanted me to stay at a friend's for a few days so he could have some space. At first he didn't really want to do that, and then he agreed. I went a few days without contacting him. Thursday I wrote him a long letter about how much I love him and want to have a future with him and that we could get through this together and that I could get a job on nights/weekends. Later that night, he told me that he didn't think he could write the same kind of letter to me and that scared him and he broke up with me. I'm not taking it well. I had to move back into my parents' house. We are sharing custody of the dog we got together, which in and of itself is awkward. He says that we can't be together "right now" because he needs to "fix himself," but then also says he can't ask me to wait for him to get better because he doesn't know if he'll get back to where he wants a future with me. He said he can't ask me to wait because if we don't get back together, then I'll just blame and resent him more and that he doesn't want to hurt me again. He said breaking up with me is one of the hardest things he's ever had to do because all he ever wanted was to make me laugh and smile and feel loved. I don't know what to do. I don't know if I should wait... I want to, but I also don't want to be let down again. I miss our home and I miss him and I miss everything. I can't stop texting him. I can't even be alone without totally breaking down and losing it. I just keep thinking this is a nightmare that I have to wake up from. I had my whole life planned, you know? And then out of the blue...this happens. I have never loved like this before and I've never lost like this before and it just hurts. It hurts so badly. And I want him back. I know I have to stop texting him... but for a year, he's been the person to pick me up when I was down. How does anyone ever get through this!? I feel so alone and so empty and broken and ANGRY and I can't understand why he doesn't want to be with me. Or why he won't ask me to wait... even if that's selfish of him to do so, I still want him to want me to wait, you know? Ugh. This just is the worst thing. Thanks for listening to me ramble, y'all.
jen1447 Posted October 17, 2016 Posted October 17, 2016 Can't really explain this stuff or make it better overnite, but hugs. You can try to fight it but it's ok to cry too. 2
aloneinaz Posted October 17, 2016 Posted October 17, 2016 There's no easy way sadly to get through this. I've been there, and have the participation trophy. You have to just power through and take it day to day. Just some thoughts. * I'd STOP co-owning the dog. Let him keep it or he needs to give it to you. For you to get through this, you really need to go NC and not have any further reasons for contact of any kind. * As a guy, and I don't mean this to be hurtful, but.. he's just not feeling it with you and is providing all the typical bs excuses to let you down easier. When I've gone through issues like him in my life, I leaned on my significant other for comfort. I needed the extra support, love and guidance to help me through it. You simply don't end a R/S with someone you are truly madly in love with. * Read the NC thread. I applied it when I found this site and it was instrumental in helping me get to feeling better the fastest. Having any limited contact w/someone who rejects you only drags out the pain and suffering. Cutting all contact helps YOU heal, get your head on straight and move forward with your life. Lastly, stick around this site and post as you need to. It really helps to type out your feelings. Read the other threads and advice given to those folks. The natural response for someone recently dumped is to hope for a reconciliation. It's the absolute wrong thing to do. How will you ever NOT walk on eggshells if you did reconcile and then wonder if/when life gets hard for him again that he'll kick you to the curb once again. It's very hard to hear but acceptance that he didn't work out and it's over helps you. Having lingering hope that you'll get back together and it will be then perfect, has detrimental impact on your well being. 1
MsJayne Posted October 17, 2016 Posted October 17, 2016 Wow, I really feel for you. There's no easy way, unfortunately you can't take a pill that blocks memories until they stop stabbing you in the chest. Just cry, as much and as often as you need to to. Write angry letters to him and tear them up. Just whatever you do, don't call him, don't text or email him, and every day tell yourself that you were fine before him and you will be fine again. I agree with aloneinaz, stop with the dog-sharing, let him keep it because even if you love the dog it will make you sad having it around. Just a suggestion, and a bit of gut-feeling, but have you considered that maybe his ex has re-appeared in his life? I ask because he's been so weird about it all, all that angst-ridden self-blame and talk of seeing a therapist, to me it suggests an element of guilty feeling on his part, and it seems odd that he should suddenly bubble over with all this drivel about not dealing with his ex cheating. He moved you in pretty much before the divorce dust had even settled, so maybe he genuinely is feeling overwhelmed, but my gut feeling says that his ex has made contact and has rattled him. I genuinely hope your sadness passes soon and is replaced by a bit of good healthy anger at him for being such a jerk. Take care of yourself, sending you a hug.
Author ohleahmarie Posted October 17, 2016 Author Posted October 17, 2016 Honestly I believe him about what he's going through. I know he loves me. He just never got the help he needed to get through it. He took a while to decide if he was doing the right thing and I think he's still really unsure about it. No, she definitely wouldn't have contacted him. She's been in a relationship with the guy she left him for this whole time and still is. Plus, we have a mutual good friend. She definitely would have told me if his ex-wife contacted him. But honestly she's pretty happy in her new relationship and they don't have any stuff for her to get or anything like that.
Kelley Posted October 17, 2016 Posted October 17, 2016 I had a pretty similar conversation with my ex, I held on tried to be a friend for 3 months, and he started a relationship with the woman he cheated on me with. I stood still, he moved on. When a man asks for space, he is pretty much saying the relationship is over. You wouldn't risk losing the person you loved by leaving her, you would lean on her and turn to her for support, that's what a relationship is all about. You have to face the fact that he wants out, he is telling you not to wait. As painful as it is, give him what he has asked for. I'm in a lot of pain too, it's only been 2 weeks but I have managed to go NC. It hurts like hell, because he was my best friend too. All I do is go day by day, try my best to get through it and hope that time will heal me quickly. All you can do is one day at a time, give yourself some peace by going NC. You could text him, write him a letter, bang on his door, it's not going to change his mind, it's just going to hurt you more. You take care.
ExpatInItaly Posted October 17, 2016 Posted October 17, 2016 Agree with another poster here; you won't be able to continue sharing the dog. It's going to be far too painful. I think he is right that he has never have dealt with the affair and end of his marriage. My best friend dated a man in a very similar position. I had concerns when their relationship started because it had only been a few months since his wife had left, and sure enough, it soon became pretty clear he was still in love with his wife and couldn't move on. A lot of betrayed partners begin dating others soon after the split (and I fill your relationship was rather soon, too) as a way of filling the void. They might actually care about their new partners a lot, but many wind up being rebounds to ease the pain of a marriage ending. It's sad, but often true. I am sure he cares about you but he knows he can't commit when his heart is still somewhere else. This isn't the type of thing you can love and support him through. It's too messy and too much unsolved emotional business with his ex. It I also seriously question whether his wife has been in touch; there is a good chance neither of them would have told anybody about it either. In any case, sort out the dog and go No Contact. Be sad and cry it out when you need to. I would not wait for him, though. That could wind up being a much more hurtful proposition than you realize.
confusedgirlfriend11 Posted October 17, 2016 Posted October 17, 2016 I really feel your pain as I have been in a similar situation. When I met my ex, he was going through a divorce. He threw himself completely at me and into the relationship but then six months (luckily a lot less time than you) he told me he was messed up and needed time to process the divorce. I am a firm believer of if it's meant to be, then it will be. If my ex loved me the way he said he did, then he would have seek help but also been there for me too. Maybe your ex rushed into the relationship trying to fill the void and although he would have loved you in some way, it's not the full way you deserve to be loved. I know you feel lost and venerable but you need to focus on yourself. You can't wait for him to feel better as there's no time scale and he has been pretty clear with his emotions. You're being so strong at the moment so continue being strong. Try and do things to take your mind of it. Big hugs.
Author ohleahmarie Posted October 30, 2016 Author Posted October 30, 2016 I should have gone NC immediately, but I was trying to hold on so hard. Turns out that's not the best idea. It just keeps hurting. So today, I start anew. I still can't believe that we broke up. I didn't see it coming and I feel like I don't know him at all anymore. I'm confused and hurt and angry. I don't want to feel like this anymore.
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