Girl says she's not ready yet for a relationship...

[smackie9]

When you cut her off completely, she felt rejected/wronged.....she was in it for the control and nothing else. You busted her ego...oh boo frickety hoo. She no longer can use you for her emotional tampon......be done with her for good.

[Gary335]

Oh, I've moved on, for sure. It won't bother me at all if I never hear from her again. Unfortunately, she does still cross my mind at times, and admittedly I've fought the urge to send her a text a few times. But it goes away when I think of the things she said to me.

 

As for POF, I can almost promise you thats the only way she's gonna meet someone. She doesn't really DO anything, other than work 6 days a week. I'm the only reason she did anything for the month we dated. Of course, she probably wasn't in it for me, just for the free food and entertainment lol.

[Zapbasket]

So let me make sure I understand fully what you guys are saying. Even in the context of her being extremely hurt and not being ready, and not wanting to feel like she's keeping me waiting for her for however long it takes, I should still take her comments as meaning nothing more than she isn't interested in me? And your saying that even in her hurt state, if she was attracted to me she'd not want me to continue to talk to other people?

 

I don't think it's that black and white, and I don't think she's necessarily being dishonest with you. You say you felt a mutual attraction, and she had you to her house; no doubt she must feel SOMETHING or at minimum like you a lot. And that's fine for only four dates in.

 

I went through a break-up a few years ago that really shattered me. I tried to pick myself and keep moving forward and for the longest time I couldn't shake this feeling of being not-right inside. I was broken and trying to piece myself back together--a process that can only be encouraged, but not forced, and it never goes according to expectation--and I went on some dates. Two guys I actually really liked. But once it became obvious that their interest in me was high, I felt I had to cut them off, because I knew I had much healing to do. I said something to them similar to what your date said to you: that I was deeply hurt by my previous break-up and didn't feel back to myself yet, and that I was questioning a lot of things in my life and just couldn't offer a relationship right now. One guy asked me when I might be ready, and I honestly told him I did not know. For a month or two we kept in touch, and then he just faded. I didn't blame him, though I was sad because he was a nice, interesting guy. He may have thought that I just wasn't interested romantically in him, and that was not true. I just was not in a position emotionally to pursue it, and I knew the most caring thing to do was to tell him so, directly.

 

Trust what you feel. Do you feel she's just giving you a line, or did you feel any interest from her? Do you think you could back off and just pursue a friendship with her, without hoping or asking for any more? I agree that's a hard thing to do, and you may just have to cut her off. But know that she's not necessarily lying to you. Some people in this world do have integrity

[Zapbasket]

I wrote my above post before reading the whole thread. I want to encourage you, OP, to look at this whole thing through a more compassionate lens, if for no other reason than so that it won't embitter you in future experiences.

 

It wasn't nice of her to lash out at you, but as some other posters have suggested, she could be in a very transitional place right now, and lashed out at you because she's not loving herself at the moment, and is feeling lonely and rejected and hurt. Of course it doesn't excuse her behavior, but it paints a different picture than that she's just a b*tch who was using you for free meals and entertainment, etc.

 

One of the guys I mentioned above in whom I was genuinely interested took me out on a date and I had a wonderful time. He was smart, funny, well-mannered, thoughtful and interesting. When he walked me to my car, I thanked him for a wonderful time, and I meant it. And as I got in my car and drove out of the restaurant parking lot, I felt great. And then, suddenly, I burst into tears. I had to pull over to the side of the road and I had a long, hard cry. Because that happiness and feeling of attraction to another man triggered all the feelings of loss and missing my ex. It was then that I realized I really was in no position to date.

 

It's possible that your date's absence from POF is a sign that she's all over the place herself, hurting and confused in her life right now.

 

Sometimes it is the truth that people are going through hard times in their lives and dating is the last thing on their minds, even, yes, when they're on dating sites. Sometimes people go on dating sites in a genuine effort to try to move forward, but they're just going through the motions, toying with the *idea* of a new relationship without actually being ready for one. I can only imagine the kind of mixed messages I've sent to guys in my orbit in the past couple of years (meaning, guys IRL; I'm no longer on any dating sites). I know there have been guys interested in me and I just haven't even been interested in dating this whole past year at all. I have wished that there could be a way I could have an honest conversation with a nice guy about how I'm going through a whole bunch of life transitions and just am not in a good place to date yet, and that rather than scaring him off entirely we could just agree to be friends. Instead, as soon as they glean that I'm not interested or available, guys instantly disappear. It's lonely.

 

And about her telling you your "inexperience" (are you a virgin?) is a reason why she won't date you: it could be the truth, or it could be that she felt backed into a corner to give you a clear reason and that came to mind and so she said it just to give you the definitive answer you were seeking.

 

Sometimes it's not as cut and dry as, is a person interested, or is s/he not. Sometimes we have to reduce it to that because dating/romance are already complicated enough. Sometimes when people say they need to "focus on themselves," or they are "confused," or they're "not ready," they really mean it. People are not ready to date until they are, and sometimes that readiness takes them completely by surprise. Sometimes people really are as confused as they claim to be; people aren't always trying to pull the wool over others' eyes.

 

I know this doesn't help when you just want something conclusive, but sometimes it's easier to go forward via the compassionate route.

[Gary335]

I don't think it's that black and white, and I don't think she's necessarily being dishonest with you. You say you felt a mutual attraction, and she had you to her house; no doubt she must feel SOMETHING or at minimum like you a lot. And that's fine for only four dates in.

 

I went through a break-up a few years ago that really shattered me. I tried to pick myself and keep moving forward and for the longest time I couldn't shake this feeling of being not-right inside. I was broken and trying to piece myself back together--a process that can only be encouraged, but not forced, and it never goes according to expectation--and I went on some dates. Two guys I actually really liked. But once it became obvious that their interest in me was high, I felt I had to cut them off, because I knew I had much healing to do. I said something to them similar to what your date said to you: that I was deeply hurt by my previous break-up and didn't feel back to myself yet, and that I was questioning a lot of things in my life and just couldn't offer a relationship right now. One guy asked me when I might be ready, and I honestly told him I did not know. For a month or two we kept in touch, and then he just faded. I didn't blame him, though I was sad because he was a nice, interesting guy. He may have thought that I just wasn't interested romantically in him, and that was not true. I just was not in a position emotionally to pursue it, and I knew the most caring thing to do was to tell him so, directly.

 

Trust what you feel. Do you feel she's just giving you a line, or did you feel any interest from her? Do you think you could back off and just pursue a friendship with her, without hoping or asking for any more? I agree that's a hard thing to do, and you may just have to cut her off. But know that she's not necessarily lying to you. Some people in this world do have integrity

 

I felt interest from her initially. For the first two weeks or so. I sensed that she truly enjoyed having me around, and I can't imagine why a woman would have me to her home, cook dinner, and share a couch with me (and later tell me she found it cute that I slid down next to her) if she had no feelings. I didn't kiss her during that couch slide, lol, but I thought that might be too much too soon. We would hug at the end of the night on those first two dates too. No kissing, but at least it was some sort of physical show of affection. But for the 3rd week we went to Renfest (Renaissance Festival, if you don't know) and that's when it all changed. She told me an ex (not the recent one who hurt her, but the one she has a son with) has connections to the festival and might be there. She seemed afraid of seeing him the whole time, and was very withdrawn from me. There was no sense of romance, I felt like I was just hanging with a friend. We both said we had a good time, but truthfully I didn't, and I'm not sure she did either. Going there was her idea, I don't get why she'd go somewhere she knew an ex might be, then spend the whole day worried and withdrawn. There was no hug that night, and she texted me on my way home to apologize for not being touchy feely, but that she wasn't in the mood. I told her I sensed something was wrong, and left it at that.

 

The following week we went to a show, and it was more of the same. She was distant, and it felt like I was hanging with a friend. Again, nothing physical at the end of the night. This time I texted her and told her I missed her hugs, and her response was that she was sorry, and then she told me to put my phone down and focus on driving lol. She did that a lot. I guess there's something to be said for the fact that she cared enough to be concerned for my safety. But during our fight she called me needy and clingy, and I wonder if this is where that comes from. Does telling a girl you miss her hugs really make you clingy and needy?

 

But anyway, yeah things changed the weekend of Renfest and were never the same. Had I known beforehand that there was an ex connection there, I would have never went. But she didn't tell me that until we were THERE. But before that 3rd date, yeah I did feel mutual attraction. She wasn't distant, didn't seem disinterested, and did truly seem into me. And I'm not sure she truly lied to me. I have to say, overall, she was one of the more honest girls I've been with. There were times she could have been more honest, but on the whole she was more honest than most, and I don't think I believe I was misled all along. Like I said before, I might have seemed dumb at the beginning of this thread, but I'm really not that dumb. I would have known if she was lacking interest early on.

 

Edited to add: I really have no problem hanging around as a friend, but I have feelings for her, and I feel like if I made myself a friend, that's where I'd always be. Let me ask you something. If you found a nice guy who wanted to hang around, listen to you, and just be a friend, would you ever find yourself interested in him? That's why guys run off at the first sign of disinterest. We feel like once we become friends, that's where we're stuck at with you.

Edited October 29, 2016 by Gary335

[Zapbasket]

Let me ask you something. If you found a nice guy who wanted to hang around, listen to you, and just be a friend, would you ever find yourself interested in him? That's why guys run off at the first sign of disinterest. We feel like once we become friends, that's where we're stuck at with you.

 

Hey, I have to run but I wanted to reply to this, and I'll respond later to the rest of what you wrote. To answer your question, YES. But the big caveat is: there are no guarantees. But if a guy showed a continued, consistent, genuine interest in me AS A PERSON, and we shared similar interests and values and had fun together and I found him physically attractive, ABSOLUTELY I might get to a place where I'd be interested in dating. The thing is, that would have to come from me, and not if the guy pushed for it. It's one of those things where there can't be any guarantees or promises, it just has to evolve.

 

But it's tricky: you don't want ever to just hang around someone like a hopeful puppy dog. It's not a genuine "friendship" then.

[Gary335]

Hey, I have to run but I wanted to reply to this, and I'll respond later to the rest of what you wrote. To answer your question, YES. But the big caveat is: there are no guarantees. But if a guy showed a continued, consistent, genuine interest in me AS A PERSON, and we shared similar interests and values and had fun together and I found him physically attractive, ABSOLUTELY I might get to a place where I'd be interested in dating. The thing is, that would have to come from me, and not if the guy pushed for it. It's one of those things where there can't be any guarantees or promises, it just has to evolve.

 

But it's tricky: you don't want ever to just hang around someone like a hopeful puppy dog. It's not a genuine "friendship" then.

 

And that's what I'm afraid of, that if I stayed friends with her I'd hang around like a hopeful puppy dog. If she hadn't allowed me to hang around long enough to catch feelings for her, it might be different. But because I do have feelings I know I'd always hope for something more. I don't think I could just be a genuine friend to her.

 

I look forward to whatever else you have to say when you have time!

[lolablue17]

The best thing is to ignore and to move on.

 

If you find it hard to do, you certainly can reverse the equation. You can reply by saying How can you be friend with someone who:

1. says the ugly things she said + acts the way she acted just because not everything was going 100% her way.

2. lied to you and hasn't been honest with you, leading you on, let you think that you have a chance while, she knew she isn't attracted to you.

Yes, you want friends, but friends who care about you, being honest with you, and don't lie to you, mainly people who can show minimum of "friends quality", all the qualities she doesn't have.

[Zapbasket]

I felt interest from her initially. For the first two weeks or so. I sensed that she truly enjoyed having me around, and I can't imagine why a woman would have me to her home, cook dinner, and share a couch with me (and later tell me she found it cute that I slid down next to her) if she had no feelings. I didn't kiss her during that couch slide, lol, but I thought that might be too much too soon. We would hug at the end of the night on those first two dates too. No kissing, but at least it was some sort of physical show of affection. But for the 3rd week we went to Renfest (Renaissance Festival, if you don't know) and that's when it all changed. She told me an ex (not the recent one who hurt her, but the one she has a son with) has connections to the festival and might be there. She seemed afraid of seeing him the whole time, and was very withdrawn from me. There was no sense of romance, I felt like I was just hanging with a friend. We both said we had a good time, but truthfully I didn't, and I'm not sure she did either. Going there was her idea, I don't get why she'd go somewhere she knew an ex might be, then spend the whole day worried and withdrawn. There was no hug that night, and she texted me on my way home to apologize for not being touchy feely, but that she wasn't in the mood. I told her I sensed something was wrong, and left it at that.

 

The following week we went to a show, and it was more of the same. She was distant, and it felt like I was hanging with a friend. Again, nothing physical at the end of the night. This time I texted her and told her I missed her hugs, and her response was that she was sorry, and then she told me to put my phone down and focus on driving lol. She did that a lot. I guess there's something to be said for the fact that she cared enough to be concerned for my safety. But during our fight she called me needy and clingy, and I wonder if this is where that comes from. Does telling a girl you miss her hugs really make you clingy and needy?

 

But anyway, yeah things changed the weekend of Renfest and were never the same. Had I known beforehand that there was an ex connection there, I would have never went. But she didn't tell me that until we were THERE. But before that 3rd date, yeah I did feel mutual attraction. She wasn't distant, didn't seem disinterested, and did truly seem into me. And I'm not sure she truly lied to me. I have to say, overall, she was one of the more honest girls I've been with. There were times she could have been more honest, but on the whole she was more honest than most, and I don't think I believe I was misled all along. Like I said before, I might have seemed dumb at the beginning of this thread, but I'm really not that dumb. I would have known if she was lacking interest early on.

 

Edited to add: I really have no problem hanging around as a friend, but I have feelings for her, and I feel like if I made myself a friend, that's where I'd always be. Let me ask you something. If you found a nice guy who wanted to hang around, listen to you, and just be a friend, would you ever find yourself interested in him? That's why guys run off at the first sign of disinterest. We feel like once we become friends, that's where we're stuck at with you.

 

Given all this, I think you just need to let it go. She's definitely not in a place to be dating, and on top of it to lash out at you like she did is a red flag that she might not really be all that in general. Let her go; her calling you "needy and clingy" suggests that she can't handle or does not want your attentions (or both), not to mention the red flag presented by someone who would snap unprovoked at someone with whom they've only been on four dates.

[Gary335]

Given all this, I think you just need to let it go. She's definitely not in a place to be dating, and on top of it to lash out at you like she did is a red flag that she might not really be all that in general. Let her go; her calling you "needy and clingy" suggests that she can't handle or does not want your attentions (or both), not to mention the red flag presented by someone who would snap unprovoked at someone with whom they've only been on four dates.

 

Yeah I think your definitely right. Gotta stop second guessing myself about this. Moving on is the right thing to do at this point. This wasn't my doing, it was hers.

 

I do wanna say though, I don't know that her snapping was TOTALLY unprovoked. I mean, to an extent I can understand her being upset at me for changing my mind about being her friend. She doesn't believe I have feelings for her, so to her I had no reason to do that. She accused me of only being her friend in hopes of getting more, but that's exactly what I'm trying NOT to do. Hope she eventually realizes that, as bad as she thinks I am, I did the best thing.