Girl says she's not ready yet for a relationship...

[babylonsfire]

yea, that's the biggest reason I don't date rebounds for some time, is you never know if the person you're falling for, is going to be the "same" person you're with 6 months from now, or a year from now, even if everything works out.

 

It's almost as unfair to that person, as it is to us beforehand. It sucks to be dealing with all the rebound feelings, but if you do, and make it through it, which is hard enough, she could fall for you. But, if she's not the same person, if she's a person that you then find out is incompatible with you, or not who you want, and you end up breaking it off; that sucks for both of you, but especially her, because now she feels betrayed, again, right after a hard relationship.

[LD1990]

It sucks to have to do it, because I promised we'd stay friends if it didn't work out.

 

Well it's silly to make a "friends forever!" promise period, but especially with some girl you met on a dating site and have known a whole month. But it'd be even sillier of her to try and hold you to it.

 

Miss Peach's words were spot on. If it's an exceptional match, people will take the risk even if they just got out of a relationship. This girl just wasn't feeling it romantically with you.

 

Now, you may have gotten tossed in the friend zone regardless, but it sounds like you acted more like a friend than a potential romantic partner with her, which is always going to result in this "let's just be friends" nonsense. If you like a girl, you have to show her and take some risks. You're not there to be her friend. Women love a man who is bold and goes for it over one who sits on his hands and waits. Just food for thought, of course you can disregard that if you were attempting to move things along physically with her.

[Gary335]

Well it's silly to make a "friends forever!" promise period, but especially with some girl you met on a dating site and have known a whole month. But it'd be even sillier of her to try and hold you to it.

 

Miss Peach's words were spot on. If it's an exceptional match, people will take the risk even if they just got out of a relationship. This girl just wasn't feeling it romantically with you.

 

Now, you may have gotten tossed in the friend zone regardless, but it sounds like you acted more like a friend than a potential romantic partner with her, which is always going to result in this "let's just be friends" nonsense. If you like a girl, you have to show her and take some risks. You're not there to be her friend. Women love a man who is bold and goes for it over one who sits on his hands and waits. Just food for thought, of course you can disregard that if you were attempting to move things along physically with her.

 

No, I acted like a romantic partner. My intentions were never in doubt. She knows I want a relationship with her, and realistically she probably knows I'm struggling with this friendship thing. I was careful about what I did physically, though the night we had dinner and movie at her house I made a move during the movie, and later she texted me to tell me she thought it was cute. Took that as a positive sign, but apparently it wasn't THAT meaningful to her.

[Gary335]

Just an update for anyone interested. I talked to her this morning (took a few days to think things over), and asked her to tell me straight up how she felt about me. To my surprise she actually did. She said she's not attracted to me because I'm too inexperienced, and we're too different. I told her about two weeks in about my inexperience, and I knew then that she was not too wild about it, so this came as no surprise. Tried to tell her that experience doesn't necessarily correlate to performance, and that I felt confident I'd rock her world should we ever make it to bed. Apparently she didn't listen.

 

But I digress. I told her that now that I knew her position, I could tell her without feeling guilty that I no longer wanted to see or hear from her. She was MAD. She couldn't believe I'd do that over her not wanting to date me, and of course she threw my friends forever promise at me, and I told her that the worst mistake I made was ever uttering the word friend to her. I made it easy for her by sticking myself in the friend zone. I've not heard from her since.

 

I want to thank you all for your advice. You all were pretty much spot on, which I never was in doubt about. On to the next one I guess. Though I'm starting to lose hope in sites like PlentyofFish and OkCupid. But that's something I could start a whole new thread about lol.

[PaperCrane]

Just an update for anyone interested. I talked to her this morning (took a few days to think things over), and asked her to tell me straight up how she felt about me. To my surprise she actually did. She said she's not attracted to me because I'm too inexperienced, and we're too different. I told her about two weeks in about my inexperience, and I knew then that she was not too wild about it, so this came as no surprise. Tried to tell her that experience doesn't necessarily correlate to performance, and that I felt confident I'd rock her world should we ever make it to bed. Apparently she didn't listen.

 

But I digress. I told her that now that I knew her position, I could tell her without feeling guilty that I no longer wanted to see or hear from her. She was MAD. She couldn't believe I'd do that over her not wanting to date me, and of course she threw my friends forever promise at me, and I told her that the worst mistake I made was ever uttering the word friend to her. I made it easy for her by sticking myself in the friend zone. I've not heard from her since.

 

I want to thank you all for your advice. You all were pretty much spot on, which I never was in doubt about. On to the next one I guess. Though I'm starting to lose hope in sites like PlentyofFish and OkCupid. But that's something I could start a whole new thread about lol.

 

I'll bet dollars to donuts that within a couple weeks you'll get a teary call from her that she misses you soooo bad.

 

Good on you.

[Zippy2000]

In my experience when a girl says "Im not ready for a relationship".

 

 

It means she is not ready for a relatiopnship with you. Nobody else just you.

[Gary335]

I'll bet dollars to donuts that within a couple weeks you'll get a teary call from her that she misses you soooo bad.

 

Good on you.

 

Well, it wasn't teary but I got awoken this morning by a 4 page text from her, continuing to be angry at me for breaking the friends promise. And of course she started by saying she blocked my number, so don't bother to respond. Guess I'll have to do likewise if this is what she's going to start doing.

[ChatroomHero]

I'll bet dollars to donuts that within a couple weeks you'll get a teary call from her that she misses you soooo bad.

 

Good on you.

 

 

And that's the call where you just have to say, "hey, we can still be friends but I am not ready to hang out or talk right now and I have no room in my life for friends so you should go out and find new friends... but I need to get going now, my friends are here to pick me up".

 

 

In the future a good rule is when you get in a situation where you don't fully get what is happening and don't want to fool yourself, in your mind add the words "with you" to the end of anything she says. I think when people tell you how they feel, the leave the "with you" off at the end of the harsh comments but since they are talking to "you", you should assume the "with you".

 

 

I don't have time to date right now (gives hope for the future, she's saying in a month or two she'll fall for me)...with you (no future, no interest).

 

 

I just want to keep things casual and not get serious (she's cool, laid back and wants to let things develop naturally)...with you (friend zone).

 

 

I know I haven't seen you in a week but with work I'm so tired I'm not going anywhere tonight! (poor thing needs some sleep, I'm a good guy I'll respect that)...with you (she's going out until 5am with a better option).

 

 

Reading your posts it just looks like your hope was based on her not actually saying "with you". Her being mad was odd unless she really thought she had to stuck in the friend zone with no way out. I think you handled it perfectly in the end.

[ChatroomHero]

Well, it wasn't teary but I got awoken this morning by a 4 page text from her, continuing to be angry at me for breaking the friends promise. And of course she started by saying she blocked my number, so don't bother to respond. Guess I'll have to do likewise if this is what she's going to start doing.

 

I'm guessing you dodged a bullet...here are the 40 reasons why you are scum of the earth, don't bother to respond because I am right and you are not allowed to defend yourself. Every argument you had with her in the future would go down like that. Listen to my rant and then you go away until you are ready to apologize.

 

 

If it were me, I wouldn't block her number because if she called or texted, etc. it would probably help me get over her faster and it might be a little entertaining.

[Gary335]

I'm guessing you dodged a bullet...here are the 40 reasons why you are scum of the earth, don't bother to respond because I am right and you are not allowed to defend yourself. Every argument you had with her in the future would go down like that. Listen to my rant and then you go away until you are ready to apologize.

 

 

If it were me, I wouldn't block her number because if she called or texted, etc. it would probably help me get over her faster and it might be a little entertaining.

 

Maybe I won't. You might be right, this might be entertaining. I could use a laugh!

 

Truth be told, I knew she meant not with me. It's just one of those things where you're falling for her and choose not to acknowledge the obvious, hoping your wrong. I'm not as dumb as I may have seemed earlier in the thread.

[PaperCrane]

Hahaha, wow. Nice dodge.

 

I'll still double down on the sad message within two weeks or so.

 

I almost want you to post the rant.

[Gary335]

Hahaha, wow. Nice dodge.

 

I'll still double down on the sad message within two weeks or so.

 

I almost want you to post the rant.

 

I almost want to post it lol. But public humiliation seems a tad much. So as tempting as it is, I'm not going to.

[Gary335]

So against my better judgement I responded to her text (not by text of course, since I'm blocked). I told her I really wasn't trying to be a jerk by not keeping the friends promise, but that it would be terribly painful for me because of how strongly I feel about her. She than proceeded to tear my feelings to shreds, tell me her friends agree that I'm an idiot, and spew some more venom at me. Guess there's no winning at this point. Whatever.

 

PaperCrane, I would be surprised to see anything teary eyed from her in two weeks, but who knows. You guys have been right so far, and you probably are now. But as angry as she seems right now it would truly surprise me.

Edited October 21, 2016 by Gary335

[mortensorchid]

I was in a situation like yours years ago. He was wishy washy and said he was not ready due to a bad relationship from the past but he really liked me. I kept thinking he would come around, patience would win out. But it didn't. He found a reason or excuse as to why it could not happen never one why it could. This woman sounds like him. She may be saying that she wants to be with you but when pushed against the wall she will wimp out and disappoint you. Move on.

[PaperCrane]

So against my better judgement I responded to her text (not by text of course, since I'm blocked). I told her I really wasn't trying to be a jerk by not keeping the friends promise, but that it would be terribly painful for me because of how strongly I feel about her. She than proceeded to tear my feelings to shreds, tell me her friends agree that I'm an idiot, and spew some more venom at me. Guess there's no winning at this point. Whatever.

 

PaperCrane, I would be surprised to see anything teary eyed from her in two weeks, but who knows. You guys have been right so far, and you probably are now. But as angry as she seems right now it would truly surprise me.

 

Anger is a secondary emotion. See here

 

Those underlying emotions can also cause her to 180 and suddenly beg forgiveness to try and 'fix' what's going on. She may not, but all of my anecdotal experience points to a high enough chance.

 

Her friends? Okay, sure. People that are supposed to support her are supporting her and that somehow validates her point more than yours? No, I'm sorry. You have to take care of you. If she really thought of you as a friend she'd understand your choice. Instead she's found every reason to make it about herself.

[insert_name]

This is just her ego talking. Having an 'inexperienced' guy totally withdraw and reject the crumbs off her plate makes her question if she has the sexual power that she thinks she has. You should be kissing her ass at this point because she is so hot, it is what everyone else does after all.

 

So she gets the final word in and can live in the belief that she rejected you and that you were an ******* anyway.

 

You won't be hearing from her again, but you handled it well...at least until that final message offering her an olive branch, your honesty and vulnerability passed the upper hand back to her a bit and will massage her ego a bit.

[Gary335]

This is just her ego talking. Having an 'inexperienced' guy totally withdraw and reject the crumbs off her plate makes her question if she has the sexual power that she thinks she has. You should be kissing her ass at this point because she is so hot, it is what everyone else does after all.

 

So she gets the final word in and can live in the belief that she rejected you and that you were an ******* anyway.

 

You won't be hearing from her again, but you handled it well...at least until that final message offering her an olive branch, your honesty and vulnerability passed the upper hand back to her a bit and will massage her ego a bit.

 

 

Yeah I knew that last one wasn't a great idea, but at this point I'm beyond caring. I did, for the record send one more after her response basically saying that the fact that her friends support her doesn't surprise, but doesn't validate her point more than mine. And that I was tired of her turning everything around and making it about her. Her last response was leave me alone, you were only friends with me in hopes I'd love you, and I never was!! Whatever makes her feel powerful I guess lol.

[kmack513]

That's definitely a call I don't want to get. And it will drive me mad if she finds someone else. The prospect of that is already driving me crazy.

 

babylonsfire, that's a really interesting piece of advice. I never thought of that before.

 

Gary, why is that? You only had a few dates right. Regarding a "friendship" promise.......girls are for romance and dating not paling around with, imo.

[Gary335]

Gary, why is that? You only had a few dates right. Regarding a "friendship" promise.......girls are for romance and dating not paling around with, imo.

 

We'd been seeing each other and talking for one month. 4 dates, one at her home and 3 outings. Not a ton, but enough. I have developed legitimate feelings for this girl. Might seem fast to you, but its about average for me. It doesn't take terribly long. Either we click, or we don't. And if we do, I fall, usually within a month or 4-5 dates. That's why it would bother me.

 

Trust me, "friend" is the stupidest word I ever uttered to her. I acknowledge that, and told her so in no uncertain terms. I told her that saying that extinguished any romantic feelings she had. I gave her a feeling of security, took away the mystery and the need to pursue.

[Ilovelifeforwhatcome]

This girl is playing you and is trying to sneak out of your life w/out looking like a terrible person. I'm not doubting that you felt a connection and developed real feelings, I have had a guy do that to me too. The guy used me (not for sex), but as something to do while he was still living in the same city as me. No one who is interested in dating you, will encourage you to leave or talk to other people.

 

Whenever I voiced concerns over our relationship, the guy told me I should leave w/out even listening to what I had to say and talking out how we can come to a compromise. He used the excuse of not wanting to hurt me or get hurt. This was a BS excuse and I haven't heard from him in months. The guy I am currently seeing (its long distance), is completely different. When I told him how I feel he didn't start pushing me out the door, he just listened.

 

All these excuses are BS

-I need to work on myself

-I don't want to hold you back

-I am confused and need to figure things out

 

What she is doing to you is a cop out, she hopes that one day she comes back and you will waiting for her. Trust me she is a waste of time.

[Gary335]

This girl is playing you and is trying to sneak out of your life w/out looking like a terrible person. I'm not doubting that you felt a connection and developed real feelings, I have had a guy do that to me too. The guy used me (not for sex), but as something to do while he was still living in the same city as me. No one who is interested in dating you, will encourage you to leave or talk to other people.

 

Whenever I voiced concerns over our relationship, the guy told me I should leave w/out even listening to what I had to say and talking out how we can come to a compromise. He used the excuse of not wanting to hurt me or get hurt. This was a BS excuse and I haven't heard from him in months. The guy I am currently seeing (its long distance), is completely different. When I told him how I feel he didn't start pushing me out the door, he just listened.

 

All these excuses are BS

-I need to work on myself

-I don't want to hold you back

-I am confused and need to figure things out

 

What she is doing to you is a cop out, she hopes that one day she comes back and you will waiting for her. Trust me she is a waste of time.

 

It's funny, that's exactly what I told her. Her excuses were nothing but a cop out. She always allowed me to voice my concerns, but always responded the same way-you're overreacting, overthinking, and second guessing. Relax. Every single time I had a concern, it was the same line. I'm truly shocked that she finally broke down and told me her true feelings yesterday. No clue what prompted that.

[fromheart]

She sounds horrible. Telling you your inexperience turns her off. How would a woman feel if you told her that her inexperience or too much experience turns you off?

 

And then stamping her feet when you choose not to be friends. Maybe point out that now you know her, she isn't the sort of person you'd wish to be friends with.

 

A tip on rebounds, they are usually bruised and broken people who don't have love for themselves. They are not ready for relationships.

 

In my experience, girls I've dated who have just got out of relationships are looking for NSA dating and sex. Be careful in making an emotional investment in these girls, and be ready to walk away if you have feelings which are not reciprocated.

[Gary335]

She sounds horrible. Telling you your inexperience turns her off. How would a woman feel if you told her that her inexperience or too much experience turns you off?

 

And then stamping her feet when you choose not to be friends. Maybe point out that now you know her, she isn't the sort of person you'd wish to be friends with.

 

A tip on rebounds, they are usually bruised and broken people who don't have love for themselves. They are not ready for relationships.

 

In my experience, girls I've dated who have just got out of relationships are looking for NSA dating and sex. Be careful in making an emotional investment in these girls, and be ready to walk away if you have feelings which are not reciprocated.

 

I asked her that very question. How would she feel if I told her I didn't like her because she's too experienced? Didn't matter, it was all about her.

 

She's very bruised and broken. That's partly why she's so angry right now. She wanted some male attention and validation which I'm no longer giving her. Suddenly the poor inexperienced guy isn't eating out of her palm anymore. Her ego is bruised as much as anything else. She's suddenly not as powerful as she thought.

 

And she's definitely not someone I'd want to be friends with now that I've seen this side of her. That's something I'm definitely saying to her, if we speak again. We haven't in about 24 hours now, and I don't plan on hearing from her again unless its a teary eyed plea for forgiveness a couple weeks from now as PaperCrane said (and the more I think about it the more I think that may very well happen).

[Gary335]

So it's been a week, and all is quiet. Those who thought she was going to come crying, still think so? I admit, there's a part of me that kinda wants to hear from her. I've never had a girl come crawling back before, would love to know how that feels lol. One thing I've noticed is that she's been very inactive on POF over the past week. There's no way she could be talking to anyone as little as shes been on. Makes me wonder if she's just checking in to see if I'm active lol. Maybe she's hurting more than I realize. Seeing that I've been active probably doesn't make her feel too good lol. I guess we'll see what happens, but I'm still going to be surprised if I hear from her again.

[JewelD]

This doesn't seem like a situation at all where she would come crawling back. That can sometimes happen when people are in relationships and one person gets dumped but you guys didn't even get to that point because she doesn't have feelings for you. Not enough to actually want to be in a relationship with you.

 

Fortunately, plenty of fish is not the only way for women to meet men. Just because she's not active on there doesn't mean she's not talking to anyone else. And I doubt it means she's keeping tabs on you since she's the one who chose to end it after a month.

 

Regardless, I would seriously move on from this girl. Even if she did come crawling back, you shouldn't be around waiting.