Gary335 Posted October 16, 2016 Share Posted October 16, 2016 So, I'm in a complicated situation, and was hoping for some impartial advice from outsiders. I met a girl on a dating site just more than a month ago. We've gotten together 4 times. We went out 3 times, and she invited me to her house for dinner and a movie once. All 4 went well, and there seemed to be mutual attraction. But from the day we met she's told me she recently got out of a relationship where she was hurt extremely badly and is not yet ready to get into another one. I told her I respected that and would not hurry her. I asked why she was putting herself on dating sites if she wasn't ready, and her response was she felt it was helping her to talk to people. Unfortunately, my feelings became stronger than I thought they would, and after the 4th date I told her I felt I was beginning to fall for her. This caused a lot of trouble for her, and in the end she told me she simply could not give me what I want right now. I told her I understood, and was not telling her in hopes of reciprocation, because I already knew she couldn't. I just wanted her to know where I stood. I told her that my only hope was that if she felt strongly enough for me she'd work on getting her issues straightened out so we could move to the next level. Her response was she doesn't want me to wait for her. She wants me to keep talking to other people in case someone else comes along while she's working on herself. She doesn't want me to miss other opportunities. At first I told her I wasn't sure I could do that because of my feelings for her. I felt I'd be wasting other girls time because my heart wouldn't be in it. But eventually I relented and told her I'd do what she asked, because I thought it might make her feel less pressured. My question is, am I wasting my time hoping this girl might eventually come around? Does she seem to be genuine, or is she really just trying to tell me she doesn't have feelings for me? She's been honest to a fault from the get go, so as far as I can see I have no reason to doubt her. I'm sure I've made many mistakes with her so far (and this is a very truncated version of the story, to save space!), and I want to make sure I don't continue making mistakes. What's the best way to proceed from here? Continue hanging around and being her friend, or disconnect from her and tell her to reach out if/when she feels ready to take the next step? I just want to make sure I stay away from the friend zone. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Link to post Share on other sites
JewelD Posted October 16, 2016 Share Posted October 16, 2016 She was just looking for attention. If all she wanted was to be able to talk to people, there's better places to do it then dating sites. But you helped her by confirming that she is still attractive and still someone that other people want to be around. I think you have stroked her ego enough. It wouldn't matter to me if I had just gotten out of a relationship 20 minutes ago, if I liked the guy, I would never tell him I wasn't interested in a relationship. You should take what she says at face value. Even though she said she just doesn't want a relationship, you should take that as her saying she does not want a relationship with you. 4 dates is a decent amount of time, if she's not into you by now, probably not going to happen. I wouldn't waste any more time on her unless you're okay with just being her friend. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gary335 Posted October 17, 2016 Author Share Posted October 17, 2016 She was just looking for attention. If all she wanted was to be able to talk to people, there's better places to do it then dating sites. But you helped her by confirming that she is still attractive and still someone that other people want to be around. I think you have stroked her ego enough. It wouldn't matter to me if I had just gotten out of a relationship 20 minutes ago, if I liked the guy, I would never tell him I wasn't interested in a relationship. You should take what she says at face value. Even though she said she just doesn't want a relationship, you should take that as her saying she does not want a relationship with you. 4 dates is a decent amount of time, if she's not into you by now, probably not going to happen. I wouldn't waste any more time on her unless you're okay with just being her friend. That was my fear. I asked her if she was into me when we were having the "I have feelings for you" discussion, and her response was that it was an unfair question to ask her at that time. I didn't feel it was unfair at all. Just because you aren't ready for a relationship doesn't mean your unable to determine if you're into someone. Link to post Share on other sites
Buddhist Posted October 17, 2016 Share Posted October 17, 2016 Move on. She is being totally dishonest with you. All of that is code for - I don't want a relationship with you - she is fine to hang out with you but wants nothing more. No woman attracted to a man actively encourages him to date other women they take the chance to be in a relationship with him no matter what. This I'm not ready for a relationship BS is BS whether it comes from a man or a woman. This is someone without the backbone to say to you....I'm not attracted and you should move on. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gary335 Posted October 17, 2016 Author Share Posted October 17, 2016 Move on. She is being totally dishonest with you. All of that is code for - I don't want a relationship with you - she is fine to hang out with you but wants nothing more. No woman attracted to a man actively encourages him to date other women they take the chance to be in a relationship with him no matter what. This I'm not ready for a relationship BS is BS whether it comes from a man or a woman. This is someone without the backbone to say to you....I'm not attracted and you should move on. I've been thinking that's what she means. Every time I bring anything up though, her response of late has been the same-I'm overthinking, stressing, and doubting and I need to relax. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted October 17, 2016 Share Posted October 17, 2016 Ya it's time to move on. She is just using dating as a distraction while she heals. It could be a year before she is willing to put effort into a relationship. She's already trying to move you along by telling you not to wait for her......don't ignore her words. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gary335 Posted October 17, 2016 Author Share Posted October 17, 2016 Ya it's time to move on. She is just using dating as a distraction while she heals. It could be a year before she is willing to put effort into a relationship. She's already trying to move you along by telling you not to wait for her......don't ignore her words. Thanks for your advice. I appreciate it. Link to post Share on other sites
ackuric Posted October 17, 2016 Share Posted October 17, 2016 If a girl told me to keep talking to other girls so I don't miss out on opportunities, it would tell me I bare no significance to her shes willing to lose me. Quite audacious Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gary335 Posted October 17, 2016 Author Share Posted October 17, 2016 So let me make sure I understand fully what you guys are saying. Even in the context of her being extremely hurt and not being ready, and not wanting to feel like she's keeping me waiting for her for however long it takes, I should still take her comments as meaning nothing more than she isn't interested in me? And your saying that even in her hurt state, if she was attracted to me she'd not want me to continue to talk to other people? Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted October 17, 2016 Share Posted October 17, 2016 She told you point blank that she's not ready for a relationship. You should take her at her word, and move on. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 17, 2016 Share Posted October 17, 2016 (edited) Don't hold out hope for her to want a relationship because she won't. She enjoyed dating you but wants to date other men as well. She wants to play the field. She has been honest with you about her feelings and if you continue to push her for a relationship you will make her resent you and never want to see you again. My advice is to do what she told you which is to date other women and let her contact you when and if she's ever ready. BTW, she was hurt really badly by her ex which means she really loved him and it's doubtful she's over him. Edited October 17, 2016 by stillafool Link to post Share on other sites
ackuric Posted October 17, 2016 Share Posted October 17, 2016 No offense man, but you seem very clueless. Naivete. Would you tell this girl its okay for her to talk to other men and date/sleep with them? She does not feel for you what you feel for her. And for her to straight up tell you this...is a HUGE flag. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted October 17, 2016 Share Posted October 17, 2016 But from the day we met she's told me she recently got out of a relationship where she was hurt extremely badly and is not yet ready to get into another one. I told her I respected that and would not hurry her. I asked why she was putting herself on dating sites if she wasn't ready, and her response was she felt it was helping her to talk to people. she told me she simply could not give me what I want right now. she doesn't want me to wait for her. She wants me to keep talking to other people. She doesn't want me to miss other opportunities. My question is, am I wasting my time hoping this girl might eventually come around? Yes. You are as clear on where she is as you can be. She has gone out of her way to be clear with you. You hanging around is you not accepting you can't have your way. Having said that, though, here is my problem with all of this: As you asked her--why is she on a dating site? She can join a "meet up" if all she wants is conversation. The purpose of dating sites is finding someone with whom you can develop romance. Not many people join dating sites for pen pals and people to talk to, unless there is something wrong with them. Stop wasting your youth behind her. She doesn't want a romantic relationship with you. She has precious little to offer and you are not unclear on that. Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted October 17, 2016 Share Posted October 17, 2016 So let me make sure I understand fully what you guys are saying. Even in the context of her being extremely hurt and not being ready, and not wanting to feel like she's keeping me waiting for her for however long it takes, I should still take her comments as meaning nothing more than she isn't interested in me? And your saying that even in her hurt state, if she was attracted to me she'd not want me to continue to talk to other people? Again--you are more than clear on what's being said to you. That you won't accept it when someone is being crystal clear with you speaks a great deal. What are her actions? They aren't her calling you to come over and be in her personal space or asking you to be her man and not see others. What woman who wants to be with you tells you she wants you to go out and date other women? Link to post Share on other sites
PaperCrane Posted October 17, 2016 Share Posted October 17, 2016 First thing I noticed was these are your first posts since 2011 Long time lurker huh? Anyways, yeah, she's being crystal clear she doesn't want a relationship. I've been there and done that. She could be 100% honest, and that means no relationships period. She could be 20% honest, she doesn't want a relationship with you. Regardless of her words, her actions tell the truth. No person who strongly feels for someone would let them go meander off with other possible matches. Just as clarification points, how old are you two? Go ahead an untruncate, just in case there are some details, but I doubt there will be. My personal suggestion is to honor her wishes and give her space. If she does like you, she'll reach back out, but you have to set the expectation to her if she does. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gary335 Posted October 17, 2016 Author Share Posted October 17, 2016 Just to be clear, I'm not hanging around continuing to pursue her. We haven't spoken about relationships since we had the talk a week ago. Please don't get the idea that I'm still pushing for a relationship with her, I'm not. Truth be told, I've never pursued her, from the start. She pursued me. That's part of what I'm trying to figure out. What girl pursues a guy so strongly, then suddenly goes cold? Anyway, it was pretty clear to me what needed to be done, and you guys have made it even clearer. And I take no offense to the comment about my naivete. If anything I agree with you! And yes, I am a long time lurker, indeed lol. Link to post Share on other sites
Cinnamonstix Posted October 17, 2016 Share Posted October 17, 2016 . What girl pursues a guy so strongly, then suddenly goes cold? The kind that is on the rebound! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
insert_name Posted October 17, 2016 Share Posted October 17, 2016 Anybody ever hear of any successful long lasting relationship that started out with the words "you go and date other people"? No, me neither. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Peach Posted October 17, 2016 Share Posted October 17, 2016 I recently got out of a LTR and even though I'm over it, I'm hesitant to go into another LTR with the first few men I meet. I'm still window shopping and figuring out what I want for the next LTR. I have a few guys already trying to pin my down into a relationship after 1-3 dates. I would if I met someone who was a truly exceptional match but I haven't run into that yet and just don't know enough about them after spending less than 8 hours with them. So I can understand her being gun shy. Since she doesn't have her stuff together I would just believe her for right now. Even if she's just fishing for attention, the outcome is the same. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
insert_name Posted October 17, 2016 Share Posted October 17, 2016 And just to add, what she is doing by being evasive and saying 'you should date other people' is she doesn't want to verbally make any commitment to you and also wants you to know that she doesn'the mind you dating others so she can do the same without feeling any guilt towards you. If you get angry at her later because you find out she has been dating/screwing others she can say that she never committed to anything and she encouraged you to date others. Been here before, I am well versed in how this works. She likes you enough to pass the time with at the moment, she doesn't see you as long term partner but is not ready to burn her bridges with you just yet. She has got you right where *she* wants you, not where you want to be. Up to you to decide if you are happy with that. If you are investing feelings you would be better off running in the opposite direction and fast. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gary335 Posted October 17, 2016 Author Share Posted October 17, 2016 And just to add, what she is doing by being evasive and saying 'you should date other people' is she doesn't want to verbally make any commitment to you and also wants you to know that she doesn'the mind you dating others so she can do the same without feeling any guilt towards you. If you get angry at her later because you find out she has been dating/screwing others she can say that she never committed to anything and she encouraged you to date others. Been here before, I am well versed in how this works. She likes you enough to pass the time with at the moment, she doesn't see you as long term partner but is not ready to burn her bridges with you just yet. She has got you right where *she* wants you, not where you want to be. Up to you to decide if you are happy with that. If you are investing feelings you would be better off running in the opposite direction and fast. That's what I don't want. I don't want to find out she's dating/screwing others. We talked about that too, and she said she hasn't made an effort to see anyone but me. Which is nice, but I'm sure whatever compelled her to see me will eventually compel her to see another guy. She's made it quite clear that she's free as a bird to talk to whomever she wants. I think the best thing I can do now is break things off with her completely and move on. It sucks to have to do it, because I promised we'd stay friends if it didn't work out. But I didn't know when I said that what I was involved with. I feel if I try to stay friends with her it's only going to cause me more pain. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
babylonsfire Posted October 17, 2016 Share Posted October 17, 2016 yeah, sounds like someone on a rebound, with an interest level of "unsure". break it off gently, just let her know that you take your dating life seriously, and when/if she's ready to date again, to let you know. that way, in a year or 6 months or 5 months or however long it takes her, when she's ready again, if you're top of her list and back of her mind, you might get a call. In the meantime, if she falls for someone else, or you do, no harm done, and you're not wasting time. Link to post Share on other sites
babylonsfire Posted October 17, 2016 Share Posted October 17, 2016 in addition to my advice, just some general advice, people are not the same after a relationship as they are months after a relationship. the girl I'm dating now? when she was fresh out of a relationship 2 years ago, I was friends with her, and definitely, would not have dated her; things have changed quite good for both of us. When I came out of my divorce? I was not ideal dating material either, I couldn't keep my mouth shut about my ex, I still didn't do the things in life I was interested in doing. I was trying to rediscover how to live life, enjoy myself, and enjoy company with others, something an unhealthy relationship had kept me from doing for far too long. You're interested in a broken woman right now, for better or worst, she could be completely different a year from now, and I've seen both transformations happen. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
insert_name Posted October 17, 2016 Share Posted October 17, 2016 That's what I don't want. I don't want to find out she's dating/screwing others. We talked about that too, and she said she hasn't made an effort to see anyone but me. Which is nice, but I'm sure whatever compelled her to see me will eventually compel her to see another guy. She's made it quite clear that she's free as a bird to talk to whomever she wants. I think the best thing I can do now is break things off with her completely and move on. It sucks to have to do it, because I promised we'd stay friends if it didn't work out. But I didn't know when I said that what I was involved with. I feel if I try to stay friends with her it's only going to cause me more pain. Sensible attitude. It sounds like you will struggle if you are her friend and she gets together with somebody else. Do you really want her calling you up at 2am to tell you about the argument that she had with him? Plus you will naturally drive yourself mad comparing yourself to this guy, why she wasn't keen on tying you down but didn'the want him seeing anyone else etc. When you have reached the point that you are at a clean break is the best way forward. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gary335 Posted October 17, 2016 Author Share Posted October 17, 2016 Sensible attitude. It sounds like you will struggle if you are her friend and she gets together with somebody else. Do you really want her calling you up at 2am to tell you about the argument that she had with him? Plus you will naturally drive yourself mad comparing yourself to this guy, why she wasn't keen on tying you down but didn'the want him seeing anyone else etc. When you have reached the point that you are at a clean break is the best way forward. That's definitely a call I don't want to get. And it will drive me mad if she finds someone else. The prospect of that is already driving me crazy. babylonsfire, that's a really interesting piece of advice. I never thought of that before. Link to post Share on other sites
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