leogirl876 Posted October 16, 2016 Posted October 16, 2016 It's so easy to see things when it's someone else, but so hard when you're in it. So I need some outside opinions here. I met this guy on Match about a month ago. We've been on 7 dates. He always asks in advance, he plans them, he pays, he confirms the date ahead of time and he follows up either the next day or day after. (I've offered paying on dates but he always refuses) He'll usually text every day, and call 2-4 times per week. Sometimes he'll text back right away and other times it takes him about 24 hours to text back. We haven't had sex yet, we've definitely been hooking up but I'm not ready to go all the way. We have a lot of chemistry and have a lot of fun on dates. We've started getting to know each other more and talked about some deeper things, but it's usually me that steers the conversation in that direction. I don't know if he's looking for a casual thing or a relationship, he hasn't brought that topic up, and I've been waiting to see if he would. I've also still seen him active on Match so I'm assuming he's still dating other people or at least trying. I'm wondering at what point should things move forward after 7 dates? I'm not someone who has casual sex or has sex with someone if they're seeing other people. I would think if he was interested in moving it forward, he would say that. He has said things like I want to take you here or there but I know that doesn't necessarily mean anything. I'm confused because his actions are saying he's interested in me, but his lack of words, and still seeing him on Match tells me otherwise. Should I ask him what his dating goals are or what should I do? Thank you for your input.
MsJayne Posted October 17, 2016 Posted October 17, 2016 You've seen he's still active on Match.com.......Stop right there, sister! If he was still on there after one date, OK, after two dates, hmm, not so OK, two dates is expressing a more serious desire to get to know you. Three dates, and now we're moving into, 'we really like each other' territory, and it's time to suspend your profile on the date site. To not do so undermines and diminishes anything that might be developing between you. Seven dates in and he's still there, (I assume you have suspended your profile), and that's a Big Red Flag. At best he's just testing your boundaries and waiting for you to bring it up so that you're the one pushing for exclusivity, which would suggest that he has confidence issues, and at worst he's just dating you until someone better comes along, though most guys will stop paying for a woman's dinner if she doesn't put out pretty quickly, so I'm guessing that's not the case here. Sounds to me that he likes you a lot but is keeping his profile up because he's afraid of rejection, having the profile there makes it look like he's not too keen. I would gently bring it up with him, and open the door for a discussion about honesty and integrity in relationships. Best of luck ! 3
SugarLips72 Posted October 17, 2016 Posted October 17, 2016 7 dates is still early. I wouldn't bring anything up yet. I would wait until about the 2 month mark to bring anything up. 1
angel.eyes Posted October 17, 2016 Posted October 17, 2016 Well you're still active on Match. How do you know he isn't just checking up on you to see if you're still active there? If you want to know what he's looking for...ASK him. Ditto for whether he's looking for something casual or a relationship...ASK. These were things that came up on the phone call before a first date or on the first date when I did OLD. 2
Shining One Posted October 17, 2016 Posted October 17, 2016 Personally, my OLD profile doesn't become inactive until after we've had sex and agreed to exclusivity. You should ask him where he wants things to go with you. 2
Author leogirl876 Posted October 17, 2016 Author Posted October 17, 2016 Well I've canceled my membership which expires tomorrow, and taken down my photos and deleted everything in it. I thought that by doing that would maybe send a message to him, but he hasn't said anything. So yeah, he's definitely leaving me confused. I know most men that are really in it for getting laid, wouldn't have taken me out on that many dates, paid and all that, and the first 3 dates, we only kissed. Yeah so I just don't know. It's getting to the point where it's getting closer to sex, but I'm not the type of woman who has sex with a man where I don't know where I stand with him. With this many dates in, I'm used to a man telling me he really likes me, and doesn't want us to date other people, etc and he hasn't done that. He texted me today after a date last night (Saturday night date) and when I text him back shortly after, I haven't heard back from him. I'll probably hear from him tomorrow, and I don't like it taking that long for him to respond. I'm either going to have to have a conversation with him or tell him it's not gonna work out. I really don't know what to do.....Never had anything like this before, in being in a gray zone.
SwordofFlame Posted October 17, 2016 Posted October 17, 2016 I think it's fair that since men usually try to initiate sex, the woman should be the one who brings up the "what are we" conversation.
Author leogirl876 Posted October 17, 2016 Author Posted October 17, 2016 I think it's fair that since men usually try to initiate sex, the woman should be the one who brings up the "what are we" conversation. Are you serious? I've never had to do that, men have always brought it up before in past relationships. I would think if he was really interested in me, he'd bring it up. He said last night, that we wanted me to trust him, well how can I do that if I don't know where I stand with you. 2
smackie9 Posted October 17, 2016 Posted October 17, 2016 If you don't know, then there isn't any real intimate connection building here, that closeness.....I get what you mean with the guy making googly eyes, pouring his heart out to you nervously, etc. IMO if you have to ask, it's not good. 2
SwordofFlame Posted October 17, 2016 Posted October 17, 2016 Are you serious? I've never had to do that, men have always brought it up before in past relationships. I would think if he was really interested in me, he'd bring it up. He said last night, that we wanted me to trust him, well how can I do that if I don't know where I stand with you. In my experience, the woman always asked right before or after sex. And these were all women I met through OLD.
smackie9 Posted October 17, 2016 Posted October 17, 2016 Maybe them having to ask says something about you..........
Shining One Posted October 17, 2016 Posted October 17, 2016 In most of my relationships, the women brought up the "what are we" conversation. They wanted clarity before I did, so they brought it up. In the cases where I wanted clarity first, I brought it up. OP, you want clarity, thus you should bring it up. 2
Author leogirl876 Posted October 17, 2016 Author Posted October 17, 2016 In most of my relationships, the women brought up the "what are we" conversation. They wanted clarity before I did, so they brought it up. In the cases where I wanted clarity first, I brought it up. OP, you want clarity, thus you should bring it up. Ok will do. It's either I ask him, or I tell him it's not gonna work out. The latter has always been what I've done before, take off when things don't feel comfortable for me. IDK, I do think it's also a red flag that he'll take 24 hours to return a text. I thought you should see how someone shows up, and if you don't like how they're showing up in the beginning, you should move on. Thing is, I do like this guy, and do think he's a genuinely a good guy, but this uncertainty doesn't work for me.
h0000 Posted October 17, 2016 Posted October 17, 2016 From your first post sounds like he is always doing all the work. Not sure if you have put in any effort? On to the topic, if you want to know where you stand, ask.
angel.eyes Posted October 17, 2016 Posted October 17, 2016 Ok will do. It's either I ask him, or I tell him it's not gonna work out. The latter has always been what I've done before, take off when things don't feel comfortable for me. IDK, I do think it's also a red flag that he'll take 24 hours to return a text. I thought you should see how someone shows up, and if you don't like how they're showing up in the beginning, you should move on. Thing is, I do like this guy, and do think he's a genuinely a good guy, but this uncertainty doesn't work for me. I agree with everything you're saying here. Yes, IME guys I dated via OLD have always brought up the topic at the start of dating. He's doing other things, however, that suggest he's probably invested. Since you like him, go ahead and ask. Then stay vigilant and see if his words in your conversation (assuming he claims he wants a relationship) match his actions. Does anything change? Also, trust your intuition. I hope things work out for you. 1
MsJayne Posted October 18, 2016 Posted October 18, 2016 Well I've canceled my membership which expires tomorrow, and taken down my photos and deleted everything in it. I thought that by doing that would maybe send a message to him, but he hasn't said anything. So yeah, he's definitely leaving me confused. I know most men that are really in it for getting laid, wouldn't have taken me out on that many dates, paid and all that, and the first 3 dates, we only kissed. Yeah so I just don't know. It's getting to the point where it's getting closer to sex, but I'm not the type of woman who has sex with a man where I don't know where I stand with him. With this many dates in, I'm used to a man telling me he really likes me, and doesn't want us to date other people, etc and he hasn't done that. He texted me today after a date last night (Saturday night date) and when I text him back shortly after, I haven't heard back from him. I'll probably hear from him tomorrow, and I don't like it taking that long for him to respond. I'm either going to have to have a conversation with him or tell him it's not gonna work out. I really don't know what to do.....Never had anything like this before, in being in a gray zone. Sounds like he's following the guidance of one of those stupid books by men, something like "How To Win Your Dream Woman By Sending Out Irritating Mixed Signals", written by some immature jerk who thinks playing hard to get is actually attractive rather than just confusing and downright annoying. Next time he rings I suggest bursting his bubble of delusion by outright asking if he wants anything more than just dating, and if he says no tell him, "Ok, fine, nice meeting you, Bye". But I will bet he doesn't say no.
Gaeta Posted October 18, 2016 Posted October 18, 2016 Any news Leogirl? In my long online dating experience when a man was serious about dating me he approached the exclusivity conversation between date 3 and 5. No one, not even men, want to date for 2 months without knowing what exactly they are investing time in. With my current BF I am the one who brought up exclusivity after our 5th date. I had seen him online a couple of times, we had been intimate so it bothered me. When I asked him about dating other people his reaction was: Of course we are exclusive and I don't date other women and from there he never went online again then deleted his profile. Sometimes, just sometimes, men are clueless. 2
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