Analeo711 Posted July 10, 2005 Posted July 10, 2005 my name is Anna. I'm 23 and from London. I'm in such a dilemna at this time as I'm 7 months pregnant with my first child. I have been living with my partner who's 34yrs old for almost 2 years and just recently I've moved back to my mothers house due to a very complicated event. My partner and I are close and very loving towards each other. But there was a dark secret we shared. My partner has a habit of taking cocaine in as much as once or twice a month. It was usually more than that before I got pregnant but he has slowed downand promised to give up by the time our baby was born. My main concern was whether he could give up by then. It's not as bad as you'd think as it doesn't take over our lives. It's not about the amount of times he does it but about the quantity he takes when he does, it's out of his control. He takes it to such an extent that he couldn't get a sentence together without stuttering or gasping for breath. I'm afraid of him overdosing and my concerns have magnified even more because I'm now close to giving birth and it's harder to believe he will stop. That is the first part of my problem. The second part is more dramatic. I literally couldn't cope anymore right until the other day when it happened again. I was pushed to my limit and then some more till I went over the edge. I did the ultimate thing and I finally told his mother out of anguish. I felt that by doing so, I could finally help him somehow. I didn't know what else to do. Every nerve in my body has had enough of what was going on and the burden of dealing with it on my own have become too much to bare. He now resents me for it to an extent that he didn't want me in the house anymore. He was furious and told me off for breaking his mothers heart over it. Me and his mother are very close and I felt that maybe she could be the one to break the spell. The thing is, he found out I told her from my MSN messenger when I left my conversation with my friend open on the computer. His mother hadn't even had a chance to talk to him. He is so mad at me that he seems like another person. Have I gone too far? should I have waited to see if he would have given up like he said he would by the time our baby was born? Should I have been more tactful and not acted on anger? I somewhat regret telling his mother coz now I've given him a reason to resent me more than making him realise his wrong-doing. He told me it was the ultimate betrayal and disloyalty to him. He's making every point he could to make me guilty for what I did. The whole process of him being sorry about it has been lost in his anger towards me. I feel like the cause has been lost. I don't know if he'll ever forgive me. He told me soon after finding out I told his mother that he doesn't want anything to do with me and the baby, that I'm out of his life for good and that he doesn't want to set eyes on me again. It's so hard to believe that could happen because as much as for that one problem he had, he was such a loving and caring partner. He has got the potential to be a good father. do you think he means it or is he just talking out of anger? I'm not surprised he's reacted this way as he is a very private person and he does value loyalty. Do you think now it's out in the open, he'll eventually accept responsibility and help himself? I'm so concerned for him more than for myself. I'm now feeling as though I may have broken us up for good and he'll never trust me again. I feel so guilty that I may have caused my unborn child to not have a father around. I feel that if I could turn back time I would have just walked away and maybe he would have come to his own senses. Now he feels as though I've brought his whole family into it and it's too big of a burden for him to know that his deep dark secret is out all coz of me. His mother adores him and I think he feels that I dented his relationship with her. they are very close. They haven't yet spoken about the problems fac to face yet. His mother sent him text messages expressing her disappointment but that's all so far. What should I do for now? I'm so devastated to know that he may not forgive me. I couldn't even fit in this letter all of my woes. I hope I can be consoled somehow but my future seems so bleak at this moment. I feel like I'm in total darkness. please give me an insight on how to deal with it. I don't even know if he was really that addicted now but how do you measure addiction??? I promise, that is the only problem in our relationship. We are very loving and caring towards each other and now I have put everything at stake and lost.
RecordProducer Posted July 10, 2005 Posted July 10, 2005 You're not the one who put it on stake, but him with his dark habit. I can understand him being hurt and feeling betrayed. That is definitely his subjective feeling. I wouldn't want my partner to tell my mom about my bad habits. I think you made a mistake, but not because I feel sorry for him; it's good for him to wake up for a moment. I think you didn't accomplish anything by telling his mother, because now he "saw the lion" and is not afraid of it anymore. She didn't even talk to him about it, but just expressed her disappointment in text messages. It seems like she wasn't even surprised. In any case, if he loves you and plans to quit using it, he will reconcile with you. Especially now when the skeletons are out and his family knows. If he stops now then you will know you did the right thing by telling his mom. However if he never asks you to come back then it just wasn't meant to be. Some men can't wait to find an excuse to run away from obligations when children come. My ex-husband couldn't find enough excuses so he made them. Don't ever blame yourself for this! You did what you did out of love and worry for him. You don't want a stoned person around your baby. He needs to be there for you, take care of the kid, and provide for you. He can't quit when the baby is born. In theory you could give birth any time. The thing that should worry you is that he said he doesn't want to have anything to do with the baby. I hope he didn't really mean that and said taht out of anger. No matter how mad at you he is, it's not the baby's fault. It might mean that he is not ready to accept the responsibility of being a father. He feels like he has to choose between cocaine and the baby and at the first moment he decided to give up the baby. Having this in mind, stop worrying about him so much. Be firm about your demand that he stops using drugs. If he doesn't stop, don't settle for his fake promises and whatever explanations. You should be the one to walk away from him because of his habit and not let him be with the baby, not vice versa.
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted July 11, 2005 Posted July 11, 2005 It's called intervention, and you did it out of love and concern for your new family-to-be. I would have not only told his mother but everyone who cares about him. Please don't feel any guilt or let him turn this on you. If he wants nothing to do with you and your baby, then that is his loss, and unfortunate for the child. However, IMO the child doesn't need a drug addict for a father (YES HE IS A DRUG ADDICT) and you can feel good that you tried one last-ditch effort before it was too late. His mother needs to kick him in the a$$ as well.
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