BethAH16 Posted October 16, 2016 Posted October 16, 2016 (edited) Sorry for the long post, but I feel I need to give some context. I am newly single after ending a 4 year relationship (we lived together the last 2 years) with my boyfriend. I am 27 years old, he is 30. There were several incidents in the relationship that made me question if he was "the one", but I really loved him and was willing to keep working on our relationship because I had invested so much time and wanted a future with him. I ultimately decided to end the relationship because the day after I had surgery... he went out to happy hour, got wasted drunk, drove home and totaled his car (thank God no one was hurt) and Was arrested for DWI (his drinking had been an issue in our relationship). After this incident and the break up, he begged for me back and promised to completely change... said that he would propose to me ASAP... and would never drink again. That he knew I was "the one" now and that he would make me the happiest woman alive. I still felt very strongly about the break up and removed myself from the situation (moved out, stopped communication, etc.). At first I felt proud of myself for the breakup... for being strong and standing up for myself and taking control of my life. Now it has been about 5 months... and I'm starting to regret my decision. I know from mutual friends that he hasn't drank since the incident, and I feel like I threw away the relationship... like if I had just been more forgiving and went to counseling with him or something, that we could have worked through it. Has anyone else been in a similar situation? How do I work through these feelings? How do I know if these feelings are real or if I'm just lonely? How do I know if he's "the one" and if I should give it another chance? Being 27 and starting over is terrifying. I'm scared that I won't find anyone that I will be as comfortable with as I was with my ex. I'm afraid that the dating pool at my age will be limited, all of my friends are married and starting families. Any advice will be appreciated... Edited October 17, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Added paragraphs ~6
malebroken Posted October 16, 2016 Posted October 16, 2016 Age is nothing. I was divorced at 37 but then met someone, we lived together for 3years, had a baby n got engaged. Unfortunately that's now ended hence I'm on this site One thing to note on the site Ppl generally don't post unless they are in a bad place. I'm just wondering how many Ppl do get a better life but don't come back to post about it
aloneinaz Posted October 16, 2016 Posted October 16, 2016 (edited) You're in the classic stage of "crap, I haven't met anyone YET after 5 months so I'm thinking about recycling a failed relationship".. Don't do it. There had to be more to your decision to end it then his drinking problem. This is the classic time frame when a dumper SOMETIMES goes back to the dumpee because they get lonely, miss being in a relationship and settle for the person they already kicked to the curb once. If he really has a drinking problem, it could be a day by day thing for him to fall off the wagon and into the bottle again. A female friend stayed w/a guy just like him. She finally left him after 10 nightmarish years and too many rehabs to remember. The guy died in his 40's from his drinking.. My gosh, you are so young. There's TONS of guys out there looking for what you are. It doesn't matter what age bracket you're in. Jump into the dating pool and go out and have some fun. I used online dating and had a blast. Everyone I met was very normal and just looking for their next great relationship. To the other poster, there are folks like myself who pop in here to give back after going through a rough break up. I'm happy engaged to my fiance after dating her for 3 years. I met her online as well. OP, seriously, give the dating scene a chance before considering a reconciliation. This site is a testament to folks (like me) that tried more than once to make a relationship work. They all failed as do most. Edited October 16, 2016 by aloneinaz
Author BethAH16 Posted October 16, 2016 Author Posted October 16, 2016 Thank you for your advice, it helps to hear that. I know that I just need to keep pushing through the pain, to get to a better place. I'm afraid to start dating again. I'm afraid that I will just jump into something with the first person that shows an interest, since I am feeling quite lonely. I don't want to repeat my last relationship. I want to find someone that is truly suited for me. 1
aloneinaz Posted October 17, 2016 Posted October 17, 2016 Thank you for your advice, it helps to hear that. I know that I just need to keep pushing through the pain, to get to a better place. I'm afraid to start dating again. I'm afraid that I will just jump into something with the first person that shows an interest, since I am feeling quite lonely. I don't want to repeat my last relationship. I want to find someone that is truly suited for me. The fact that you're feeling lonely is a very good thing. Why? Because it says your ready to start dating again. It's only natural to TRY and take the easiest path to fill our needs. In your case, it would be trying to bring back a dead relationship. Again, 5-6 months seems to always be the time that a dumper considers recycling their last R/S due to loneliness or not wanting to date. My STRONG suggestion is to try a couple of legit dating sites. Match is a good one as people have to PAY to be on it. It means they are serious in wanting to meet someone for a relationship. Do some google searching on how to successfully online date. There's some good articles on the do's and don'ts. You need to do some filtering and screening to find good dates that you can click with. When I was single again last time after a toxic, unhealthy relationship (that brought me to this site back then), I got back to online dating. Getting out with the opposite sex for drinks, conversation and laughs is just what the doctor ordered for me to fully heal after that last relationship. I enjoyed meeting different women, dating a few and I the met my now fiance a few months later. Guess what, right about the time i started dating my now fiance, my last ex reappeared at 5-6 months post break up wanting me to go back to her. Um yea, wasn't going to happen.
Fatty23 Posted October 17, 2016 Posted October 17, 2016 Do you think he would be "the one" without the drinking problem? Or are there other issues you can't see past as well? I think I would have done the same if I were in your shoes. But then again, I understand no one is perfect and people make mistakes. Don't think you're too old or there's no one out there. I feel the exact same way and my bf just broke up with me. So I'm pretty sure everyone feels that way at some point after a break up. Also, most people I know that are in serious relationships or married met their S/Os when they're were in their late 20s and 30s.
Author BethAH16 Posted October 17, 2016 Author Posted October 17, 2016 Thanks! I do think that you bring up a good point about getting out there again. I do think that I will try some online dating. Before this last relationship, I tried match and didn't have much luck... but I was also a lot younger and had no idea what I was looking for. Thanks so much for taking the time to reply, it's really helped me to put down the phone and not reach out to my ex in a time when I was feeling really weak.
Author BethAH16 Posted October 17, 2016 Author Posted October 17, 2016 To the other reply, there were several incidents that made me question if he was "the one". For instance, a few months before the major incident (the accident and DWI)... we were in an argument about something stupid and he told me that he was going to propose to me on my birthday (which was only a couple of months away). He knew that I really wanted to get engaged, he knew that it was very important to me. I was over the moon happy... and just dropped whatever stupid argument we were in. A few days later, he said that we needed to "talk"... and admitted that he had only said that to stop the fight, he wasn't proposing on my birthday, and actually had no set plan to propose... but he had "thought about" proposing. I was devastated. That was when I really started questioning whether our priorities were truly the same or not. He always said that he wanted to get married "someday" and wanted kids "someday"... but I was very clear that I wanted to get engaged and married, and I thought that we were on the same page. I never felt like I was a priority to him. He never had any money to go on dates or contribute to the household... but when his friends or coworkers wanted to go to happy hour, he suddenly could buy drinks and rounds of shots. He always chose his friends, coworkers, and drinking over me. I guess I had a lot of "gut feelings" that I ignored because I really just wanted the relationship to work. I guess re-hashing all of this now makes me realize again why I decided to end the relationship. I struggle with "no one is perfect, everyone makes mistakes"... because I completely agree with that. No one is going to be perfect... so where do you draw the line on how much you choose to take/handle???? That is what I really struggle with. Yes, I could have chose to stay and go to counseling and work through everything... and in the end, maybe we could have been happy. But we weren't engaged... had no kids (even though he knew that I wanted all of that for years, and he made no moves)... so I guess I just didn't feel like it was worth going through all that in he hope that "maybe" it would work. 1
piano1962 Posted October 18, 2016 Posted October 18, 2016 It's natural to feel lonely after a break up, but you should not doubt your own decision. I'm sure you must have good reasons to break up with him. Please don't lose confidence in yourself. You have a bright future ahead of you. 27 is not old. Start making friends and be yourself. Enjoy life and enjoy what you do. The right person will come. Don't compare yourself with your friends. Everyone's situation is different. Don't look back. Look forward! Try not to inquire about him from your mutual friends or let your friends know that you don't want any information about him. That way, you may be able to focus more on the future and not dwell on the "what if"s. Hope you will feel better! Your prince will be waiting for you!!
Fatty23 Posted October 18, 2016 Posted October 18, 2016 I completely agree that you made the right decision. He seems super immature and inconsiderate of your feelings. I'm sure he loved you and cared about you but it sounds like he always put himself first. You seem like a loyal and loving partner for having put up with all of that. You deserve someone who will treat you the way you treat others. They say love comes when we're not looking. I don't think it happens when we're "not looking" but when we don't have any expectations. Do cool things with new people so that even if it doesn't end up in a relationship at least you still had fun. You still have plenty of time! And besides, 30s are the best time for women! Women's sexuality peaks at 30. You're barely getting started!
marky00 Posted October 18, 2016 Posted October 18, 2016 Sounds to me like you broke with someone who you still loved (or at least somewhat).
Author BethAH16 Posted October 18, 2016 Author Posted October 18, 2016 Thank you for the replies. The encouragement is what keeps me going. Deep down I do think that I made the right choice, it's just really hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel at times. Sometimes I feel like I will never feel happy again, never feel love again or in love with someone again. Although my relationship was mediocre at best... the comfort of that relationship is very enticing when I'm at home, all alone, struggling to meet new friends and build a whole new life by myself. To the second reply... yes, I was definitely still in love with him when we broke up, and I think that I do still love him now (or more like I have love for him now). That's what makes it so hard... I love him, but I know deep down that the relationship wasn't right, that we can't be together.
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