Almost got back together after she was dumped by rebound

[Pascal333]

My situation is pretty complicated. I got married with a woman, basically the woman of my life, and she also always told me I'm the best person she ever met. We broke up because of a complex set of reasons and situations. There were a few issues pre-breakup, namely that I sabotaged her efforts to put us back into shape and eat better, as well as some sexual issue on my end (due to poor life hygiene/voluntary lack of sleep/slightly self-destructive habits). We ended up buying a house...but it was the wrong one. Too much renovations, too much time to invest, too much stress...she told me many times that she wanted to pull out of this project, but I confess that I was stubborn and reassured her that everything would be ok, etc...

 

At the same time, she had serious issues in her life, her father receiving jail time because he sexual contacts with underage boys...this happened right when we took possession of the house...I was away working on the house, we had already been pulled apart before that as we had no "couple time"...one of her friends was the only one asking her how she was feeling at this point and, well...she had a few affairs and eventually the guy became a rebound and she left me for him. I do wish to inform you that we still lived in the house at that point and during all the time she was in a relationship with him (and we still live in the house now).

 

She's also going through a thirties crisis, which is nothing to help too. I'm gonna try to make it short. During all the time she was with the rebound, she was still acting as if we were a couple! But minus the passion (which was given by the rebound). I read something about the fact that a woman can be in love with two guys at the same time (when the split is non-aggressive)...the dumpee is in the attachment stage, and the rebound is in the honeymoon stage. Thus she gets the best of both worlds and forms one love with two guys...she even verbally confirmed this, twice!

 

I went at my cousin's place to initiate NC because as you know, living in the same house, it's totally impossible. If I were to ignore her, she would just go like "Why are you so cold?! What's wrong?!"!!! After 4 days, I told her I wanted to talk to her and went back to our house. I wanted to tell her that we need to move on, that this would be the best thing for us and that I wish her the best of luck with her new relationship. I wanted to do this because I couldn't stand being a 2nd choice anymore, because even though we would always be laughing and having some great time, this always hurt me in the end because of this double relationship thing. I did it for me, but also because I knew that if, if, I wanted to have a chance to get her back, this would be the only way it could happen. I thought that she would accept it rather easily, but on the contrary...it led to a 2 hour conversation and lots of tears on her end. She told me she wanted me in her life, that passion doesn't last so long, and that sometimes in such stories, people do get back togheter...!!! Instead of destroying everything, we agreed that we would take some time appart. I went back to my cousin's for a complete 2 weeks. But not later than 24h after, she was texting me 20 times a day...! 4 days later she called me (she never does) and straight up told me "I miss you", while crying. I didn't really know what to say...I told her that I feel the same a bit too, and asked her what was wrong. She told me maybe I'll tell you later (turned out she had been dumped by the rebound).

 

So when I got back home we had agreed that she would be at her mother's, so that we would see each other. She was supposed to get an operation for an illness she has (we were waiting for this for a year, when we were still together). She called me and asked if I would want the car while she was going to be into recovery (for a month), and she would drive back home so I coukd take her back to her mother's. I accepted. I knew this was an excuse to see me...! I ended up not only driving her back, but also reassuring her for her operation wiping her tears with my fingers...and I even slept cuddling with her...! She left for the hospital and I stayed alone at her mothers. She texted me that she "unfriended" the rebound, and told be that she knows that I am the one, the guy for her, that she badly needed to talk with me. We slept another night togheter, and the next morning I saw that he was still texting her...I did nothing at all. But the following night, we cuddled and she told me "you must feel so good right now"...I agreed, but asked her why he was still texting her...after a moment of silence she told me that she was just "putting him back where he belongs" and told me that she was annoyed that I was talking about him when all she wanted was to cuddle with me. She left the bed and went into our other one.

 

At this point I was quite anxious. I have his number so I texted the guy and basically told him to get outta our lives, that I cuddled with her for the past 3 nights and to p*ss off. He confirmed who I was and answered "cute". At this point after, I knew I kinda messed up bad. But I couldn't resist, I wanted him out. But I failed to realize that she needed to get over him (at this point I was thinking that SHE left him, not the other way around). She told me that he texted her, asking if all this was true. I confirmed that I texted him. She was mad. She told me she was slowly getting over him but that I screwed this up because now it ended brutally. She also told me she was deceived as I once tried to contact him (when the breakup was fresh) and now I did it again so this created some trust issue...and that she would rather be alone in her life now.

 

What should I do now??! She's not mad anymore (been 3 days since that incident), in fact we're back to the "acting like a couple minus the passion and physical contacts"!!! We laugh, talk, train, eat togheter, she also asks me for advice on her condition, how she feels....she even kept a little letter I wrote to her when I bought her a little present for her hospital stay. I realise that she came back to me too soon...she should've waited or at least told me she needed to sort out some things before going back to me...is there still a chance? Should I avoid talking to her about getting back together or that I'm sorry for what I did? Maybe she's still processing her breakup with the rebound on her end? Do I play wait and see or go a lil' bit more actively??

Edited October 16, 2016 by Pascal333

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, you have been played for a fool. Over and over. Why do you let her crap all over you and your marriage?

 

She is very immature and manipulative. She doesn't need time to "process" a breakup - she is your wife, for heaven's sake. She shouldn't even have a boyfriend in the first place! She is angry and crying because her games have been discovered, and she stands to lose her security blanket (that would be you) and the guy she actually wants to be with (that would not be you; that is her boyfriend)

 

File for divorce and forget about her. She doesn't love you. A woman in love does not find herself a boyfriend outside of her marriage. Stop making excuses for her.