Friend/ExBoyfriend has a Girlfriend... Is this a hopeless situation?

[Kaitlynn]

I keep thinking about this situation so I’m going to throw it out there… Thank you in advance to everyone who can offer some advice.

 

There’s this guy… We’ve been close friends for 15 years and lived together/dated for four years, but haven’t been together romantically for six years.

 

After some time apart we were able to maintain a friendship and once again became really close, everything was great. Some people thought there was more going on, but in all honesty it was just a friendship. We hug when we see each other, but don't kiss or sleep together. When I spend the night, I stay on the couch.

 

We would talk about dating other people and would go on random dates with others, but we never got into a full blown relationship with another person so we’ve basically been the number 1 guy/girl in each others lives for just over 10 years. Our entire 20s.

 

In the spring we had a lot of friends and family telling us to just quit kidding ourselves and get married already. I didn’t know if I wanted to get back with him romantically because I didn’t want us to break up again and honestly didn’t think he’d be into it… Then I thought…. Can I honestly see myself with anyone but him? Are the reasons why we broke up even relevant anymore?? I honestly didn’t think so. I'd be lying if I said I don't compare the guys I go on dates with to him.

 

Now here's where the issue starts....

 

A few months ago I started looking at him in a more romantic way and decided I wanted to ask him about us being together again as a couple.

 

Just over a month ago; I was in the city (I live a few hours away right now) so I gave him a call to see if he wanted to meet up. He said he had plans, but would change them. So we went out to a fancy restaurant, like we usually do, and I noticed something was different. He was acting different. He was nervous so I decided to save the “us” conversation for another time.

 

A couple weeks later I was back in the city for his birthday, but knew he wasn’t around because he always goes camping for it. Usually I go with him, but I couldn't get the time off this year. So I dropped by his place and left a card on his kitchen counter.. *I have a key* In the card I decided to be a bit more flirty then usual… it was cute. When I was there I noticed a tiny dog that started barking at me, which was weird because he doesn’t know anyone with a tiny dog like that. I gave it a pet and went on my way.

 

When I got home, I went on his Facebook page.. I had a feeling that something wasn’t right. I clicked on his page, looked at it for a minute and it was in THAT minute a relationship status was posted.. He was now in a relationship. I felt absolutely heartbroken. Something I hadn’t felt since we broke up seven years ago. I was a mess… I then tried to call him, but he didn’t answer… probably for the best. So I phoned my best friend instead.

 

During that time he tried to call me back, but I didn’t answer because I was in no condition to talk to him. He instead sent me a long text message thanking me for the card and sorry that he missed my call and a bunch of random stuff about wanting to call me back but I wasn’t there. The next morning I texted him if we could talk on the weekend. He said ok. I needed to sort out my thoughts and didn’t want to say something stupid. I didn’t know if I should tell him how I felt or if I should just let it go – I decided… Life is short. So I went for it.

 

He called me on the weekend and he was sooo nervous on the phone. I was in a good mood by that time… So I was happy and in good spirits. We were both a little awkward tho. Something we havn’t been in a long time. After a long conversation I told him how I felt and he turned me down. Said he thought about getting back together over the years, but getting back into a relationship would two steps backwards not a step forwards. He also believes we’d just break up again and it would be ten times worse and that would be the end of any kind of communication between us. I accepted that and told him I was very happy for him in this new relationship because he’s a good friend and I just want him to be happy. He said that really meant a lot to him. Even though he's only been in a relationship with her for over a month. He's pretty serious about her.

 

I told him I needed some time away from him so I can sort myself out and work on getting into a relationship of my own. He didn’t like the idea of time apart very much, but agreed with it…. Like he had a choice. I told him to give me a few months.

 

So I blocked him on Facebook, put away his stuff… but the problem is… I am thinking about him all the time… So much more than I did before. I know our friendship will have to evolve but I don’t know how... I asked him what kind of boundaries we’re going to have and how much I’m going to have to step back. He said he doesn’t know, and it will be awkward for the first little while, but he doesn’t want to lose me. He wouldn’t have kept me around if I didn’t mean something to him. 15 years is a long time.

 

So after this long ramble I’m curious if this situation is just asking for trouble? I do want to keep my friendship with him, but I don’t want to do anything to cause waves in this new relationship of his. I keep reading about how you can’t be friends with exs, that It doesn't work.... So I’m starting to doubt everything. Is there anything I can do to make this situation not blow up in our faces?

 

I'll meet her eventually so how do I put my best foot forward and not appear to be a threat? How do I also get rid of these feeling for him that seemed to have creeped back up?

 

I'm just confused.

[anna121]

Sorry that the timing has been screwy.

 

I had a similar thing happen years ago. Ex and I were close for years, and then he fell for someone else. It was difficult to let go. But it was the only thing that worked. No contact for a year. He called me once they broke up, we went back to being friends. A few years later, we got back together... and eventually got married. Our relationship today is NOTHING like our first relationship. We are not the same people. And that is a good thing.

 

Now, I am NOT telling you that you will get back with him. What I'm saying is that it will be disaster to maintain contact with him NOW. You need to force yourself to adjust to a new reality.

[preraph]

You haven't been honest with him all these years while you carried a torch. And you did that for a reason: Because you knew he probably wouldn't like it if he knew you were still wanting a romantic relationship with him. Yes, he's probably flattered by it, but the reality is he's had ample time to change his mind and decide he wants you romantically, and he has not done it.

 

He doesn't love you that way. He's moving on with his life. He is naive if he thinks any new woman is going to put up with you having a key to his place or hanging around and it's justified because you do want more than friendship. You were not even being honest when you told him you are glad he's got a new relationship! As long as you continue to be dishonest with him, you are leading him on under the falsehood that you an handle being "just friends." So of course, he's not thrilled you're going no contact because to him, you were a friend and now he feels he is losing a friend. But it has nothing to do with him wanting you romantically. He's made that very plain.

 

You really need to get out of his life and stop focusing on him and move on and you are never going to do that as long as he lets you hang around under the falsehood that you are just a friend. So for your own self, maintain no contact and stay away from his family, too. It's not fair to stay involved with family if you're not the partner.

 

Take some time to just clear your head and then call all your girlfriends and start doing things that are fun each and every week. Don't let a week go by that you aren't making yourself get out there and live life.

 

Block all social media. Block everything. Good luck.

[Sunnymae]

As of right now, you're still friends, as long as you do not become an obstacle in his pursuit of a relationship. Perhaps this relationship doesn't evolve into something long lasting or serious. Maybe if it doesn't work out, he'll revisit seeing you in a romantic light. In my humble in opinion, I would start dating others as well. Don't put all your eggs in one basket, if you catch my drift.

[elaine567]

The situation is not hopeless because he now has a gf, the situation is hopeless because he doesn't view you in a romantic way and sees no future with you.

 

Friendships with exes, can work if both see each other as just friends and there is no romantic interest on either side.

Friendships where one is hoping for more, as you are now, will not work. Already there is awkwardness, and it won't be long before he is avoiding seeing you, as his gf will not like it.

 

YOU need to let him go, find other friends to hang out with and start looking for a man of your own.

[Kaitlynn]

You haven't been honest with him all these years while you carried a torch. And you did that for a reason: Because you knew he probably wouldn't like it if he knew you were still wanting a romantic relationship with him. Yes, he's probably flattered by it, but the reality is he's had ample time to change his mind and decide he wants you romantically, and he has not done it.

 

He doesn't love you that way. He's moving on with his life. He is naive if he thinks any new woman is going to put up with you having a key to his place or hanging around and it's justified because you do want more than friendship. You were not even being honest when you told him you are glad he's got a new relationship! As long as you continue to be dishonest with him, you are leading him on under the falsehood that you an handle being "just friends." So of course, he's not thrilled you're going no contact because to him, you were a friend and now he feels he is losing a friend. But it has nothing to do with him wanting you romantically. He's made that very plain.

 

You really need to get out of his life and stop focusing on him and move on and you are never going to do that as long as he lets you hang around under the falsehood that you are just a friend. So for your own self, maintain no contact and stay away from his family, too. It's not fair to stay involved with family if you're not the partner.

 

Take some time to just clear your head and then call all your girlfriends and start doing things that are fun each and every week. Don't let a week go by that you aren't making yourself get out there and live life.

 

Block all social media. Block everything. Good luck.

 

Actually, I have been honest. All these years I did view him as a friend, it was only in the last little while I started developing feelings for him again which YES are wrong. I'm not denying that. It just happened. The reason I told him I need time away to get over this was because that's the advice I was given. Let him focus on his relationship so I can focus on getting myself all sorted out. I wasn't lying to him when I said I was happy for him.... I'd be a horrible person if I said "I hope you're miserable for the rest of your life". That was an hour and a half long conversation. Alot of things were said, I just posted a couple lines of it.

 

Yes, he had ample time to change his mind, but so have I. In the past years I didn't go to him and say "Lets get back together" either. That wasn't even a thought back then. I was doing my own thing and we were just hanging out as friends. That's all I wanted at the time.

 

Ok, so maybe telling him I needed space was the wrong thing to do. I didn't know. Also, I'm not anywhere near his family so that's not an issue.

 

Thank you for the advice. I'm not as horrible as you think I am... honest.

[Raena]

I've been in your shoes. Ex-boyfriend turned friend. We were very close for almost a decade but we really only dated off and on for the first 3 of those years. Then he got engaged and I went on to date and have a child with another man. Life went on and we went our separate ways.

 

Oddly enough, I was just thinking about him the past couple of days and wondering how he's doing.

 

Anyway, what I was thinking about my situation and what will probably become true about your situation too is that you need to stay in no contact with him. It's not because you two can't be friends, it's because you have romantic feelings for him again now and because you two used to date. Any woman he has in his life and any future man in your life is going to have difficulty being ok with this continued friendship.

 

You should let him go to be happy with his life and go ahead making your own life happy. You two used each other as a crutch to get through being single and dating. That was fine when you both were single or not in any serious relationships. Now that he is in a relationship, it's time for you to back off and stay away.

 

He may find that this relationship won't work and come back to you, or he may find that she's the one he wants to stay with. Either way, you can't sit there hoping that he'll come around and say he feels the same about you that you feel about him. He may not ever come around.

 

On another note, I also had a male friend that I lived with for 3 years. We sort of dated but not really, and again, we were mostly just friends hanging out for the better part of 8 years or so. When he met his now wife, I befriended her. I went out of my way to include her in activities and let her know I wasn't interested in him romantically. She is now my very best and closest friend and I'm really not that close to her husband as I used to be. The difference is... he wasn't a romantic relationship of mine (not really) and I could honestly tell his new girlfriend that I wasn't interested in him in that way. That is the ONLY way I was able to maintain a friendship with him at all.

 

It's a sad reality of being close friends with a member of the opposite sex. It seems like it's fine if you weren't romantically involved at all, ever. But it can be an issue if you used to be involved in that way... even if it's been ages since you were last like that with each other. Any new partner is going to question the closeness of the friendship with what is essentially an ex.

 

It sucks to lose the friendship. It really does. I know. Here I am almost 15 years later and still missing that first friend/ex I told you about. I honestly truly miss his friendship but I know in my heart that him maintaining a friendship with me would have not been good for his relationship with his girlfriend(now wife).

 

If you feel the same about this guy... that your friendship would interfere with his happiness then you need to let him go.

[Kaitlynn]

I've been in your shoes. Ex-boyfriend turned friend. We were very close for almost a decade but we really only dated off and on for the first 3 of those years. Then he got engaged and I went on to date and have a child with another man. Life went on and we went our separate ways.

 

Oddly enough, I was just thinking about him the past couple of days and wondering how he's doing.

 

Anyway, what I was thinking about my situation and what will probably become true about your situation too is that you need to stay in no contact with him. It's not because you two can't be friends, it's because you have romantic feelings for him again now and because you two used to date. Any woman he has in his life and any future man in your life is going to have difficulty being ok with this continued friendship.

 

You should let him go to be happy with his life and go ahead making your own life happy. You two used each other as a crutch to get through being single and dating. That was fine when you both were single or not in any serious relationships. Now that he is in a relationship, it's time for you to back off and stay away.

 

He may find that this relationship won't work and come back to you, or he may find that she's the one he wants to stay with. Either way, you can't sit there hoping that he'll come around and say he feels the same about you that you feel about him. He may not ever come around.

 

On another note, I also had a male friend that I lived with for 3 years. We sort of dated but not really, and again, we were mostly just friends hanging out for the better part of 8 years or so. When he met his now wife, I befriended her. I went out of my way to include her in activities and let her know I wasn't interested in him romantically. She is now my very best and closest friend and I'm really not that close to her husband as I used to be. The difference is... he wasn't a romantic relationship of mine (not really) and I could honestly tell his new girlfriend that I wasn't interested in him in that way. That is the ONLY way I was able to maintain a friendship with him at all.

 

It's a sad reality of being close friends with a member of the opposite sex. It seems like it's fine if you weren't romantically involved at all, ever. But it can be an issue if you used to be involved in that way... even if it's been ages since you were last like that with each other. Any new partner is going to question the closeness of the friendship with what is essentially an ex.

 

It sucks to lose the friendship. It really does. I know. Here I am almost 15 years later and still missing that first friend/ex I told you about. I honestly truly miss his friendship but I know in my heart that him maintaining a friendship with me would have not been good for his relationship with his girlfriend(now wife).

 

If you feel the same about this guy... that your friendship would interfere with his happiness then you need to let him go.

 

Thank you so much for that advice!

[preraph]

Actually, I have been honest. All these years I did view him as a friend, it was only in the last little while I started developing feelings for him again which YES are wrong. I'm not denying that. It just happened. The reason I told him I need time away to get over this was because that's the advice I was given. Let him focus on his relationship so I can focus on getting myself all sorted out. I wasn't lying to him when I said I was happy for him.... I'd be a horrible person if I said "I hope you're miserable for the rest of your life". That was an hour and a half long conversation. Alot of things were said, I just posted a couple lines of it.

 

Yes, he had ample time to change his mind, but so have I. In the past years I didn't go to him and say "Lets get back together" either. That wasn't even a thought back then. I was doing my own thing and we were just hanging out as friends. That's all I wanted at the time.

 

Ok, so maybe telling him I needed space was the wrong thing to do. I didn't know. Also, I'm not anywhere near his family so that's not an issue.

 

Thank you for the advice. I'm not as horrible as you think I am... honest.

 

I don't think you're horrible at all. We have all been in some situation where one person is being friends with someone they actually have more feelings for.

 

If you're telling me that up until when you found out he had a girlfriend, you didn't KNOW you have more feelings for him, then you need to consider that maybe it's an "I don't want you but I don't want anyone else to have you situation" on your part. But you already said you left him a flirtatious note, so you did know you had more feelings before this girlfriend, unless you suspected something before you actually knew it. Is it possible you sensed him pulling away and that prompted you to become more flirtatious to pull him back?

 

Really, just take some time and sort this out. I do think you're not being honest with yourself, but I am having trouble deciding whether you are actually interested in him romantically or just jealous he has a girlfriend but otherwise wouldn't have been wanting him romantically.

 

Either way, while you sound very ambiguous, he does not. He has been clear he's not interested that way.

 

But let me ask, if you two are such good friends, why didn't he tell you he had a girlfriend? Was he trying to hide it? Did he feel it's none of your business (then why do you still have his key?) My best guess is he's not been seeing her long enough to announce her to friends and family. He may have been dating this entire time and you didn't know it.