thelilith Posted October 16, 2016 Posted October 16, 2016 (edited) When my father´s affair came out to the surface, he told my mother that he loved her and begged her to forgive him, telling her that the affair was a mistake. He told his mistress that he was relieved (he never planned on divorcing and she was okay with that) and that he loved her. He told us (the kids) that he loved our mother more than his mistress, but he wasn´t happy with her. He told the mistress that he didn´t love his wife anymore. The thing is; he loved them both and was afraid of the uncertain, unknown outcome of the whole mess. Had my mother forgiven him, he would´ve stayed with her, pretending to be a regretful husband while still seeing and loving his mistress, not out of love for her, but out of his own cowardice. Since she kicked him out, he was forced to deal with the fact that he was in a loveless marriage and hence, he slowly eased himself into life with his mistress, who honestly, was better suited for him than my mother. He did love them both. The difference is that he loved one because he was "supposed to" and used to it. The other he loved because of who she was and who he was around her. His choice was made for him, but luckily, it was the right one. I think that that´s what most cheating spouses do; let the other spouse decide on their fate. What is your take on this? Edited October 16, 2016 by thelilith 4
Osmium13 Posted October 16, 2016 Posted October 16, 2016 I think there's an element of truth there. Some people are happy to dip their toes in the water, but jumping in is a step they're not willing to take. Sometimes they need a push - and know if they stay by the side of the pool long enough, eventually they'll get one. 2
purplesorrow Posted October 16, 2016 Posted October 16, 2016 I think there's an element of truth there. Some people are happy to dip their toes in the water, but jumping in is a step they're not willing to take. Sometimes they need a push - and know if they stay by the side of the pool long enough, eventually they'll get one. I gave my ex the biggest push ever, a divorce. He still never contacted ow again and wants the marriage back.
Southern Sun Posted October 16, 2016 Posted October 16, 2016 I suppose it could be true, but I read your other thread and it just makes me think about how there's usually more to it than we realize. You talk about how your parents just weren't right for each other and your dad seems so much happier with his OW. But he was having a LTA and other children with this woman for years. No wonder your parents marriage was so unhappy. Whether the affair was known, it was likely suspected and your father certainly could not have been giving the time and attention to his wife and their relationship in order to foster love and care. Of course there would be growing resentment and dissension in the home. I think there may be extreme cases of someone not be "right" for another, but as the saying goes, the grass is usually green where you water it. 3
Osmium13 Posted October 16, 2016 Posted October 16, 2016 I gave my ex the biggest push ever, a divorce. He still never contacted ow again and wants the marriage back. So the water was bloody freezing and he wants to get back to some familiar warmth? Don't hand him a towel 1
Chica80 Posted October 16, 2016 Posted October 16, 2016 I agree this is true for some A. Not all like everything else dependent on the A.
purplesorrow Posted October 16, 2016 Posted October 16, 2016 So the water was bloody freezing and he wants to get back to some familiar warmth? Don't hand him a towel What does this even mean in the context of this thread?
preraph Posted October 16, 2016 Posted October 16, 2016 They try to keep both, but unless the wife is playing blind, then it blows up and at that point, they go where the wind blows. To me, that is not love because they don't care who they hurt. If you love someone, the last thing you want to do is hurt them. I think his penis was the most important thing to him. 2
Popsicle Posted October 16, 2016 Posted October 16, 2016 I agree with preraph that he loved neither (not real love, at least) and he went where he was forced to go. It's sad that he had to be forced but if he wasn't forced he most likely would have tried to kept both for God knows how long... 1
cocorico Posted October 17, 2016 Posted October 17, 2016 He did love them both. The difference is that he loved one because he was "supposed to" and used to it. The other he loved because of who she was and who he was around her. His choice was made for him, but luckily, it was the right one. I think that that´s what most cheating spouses do; let the other spouse decide on their fate. What is your take on this? I think some WS feel so conflicted that they do lose their sense of agency, yes. Like you, I had the experience of a father who ended up very happily with his fOW. However, my father did not completely lose his agency. It's true that he did wait until we'd all grown and moved out before leaving the marriage and marrying his fOW, but he did still make the choice to do it rather than having it done to him (or for him). Perhaps having that model was what helped me recognise a similar dynamic with my own (fMM) nowH. He was also "stuck", treading water until the kids were old enough to leave his M. But he had support from family and friends as well as going to IC, which helped him to recognise the damage he was enabling by staying, so he left the xW. Perhaps a difference between your situation and mine is that your father still loved your mother, whereas both my father and my H recognised that what they felt was no longer love, but duty?
Gloria25 Posted October 17, 2016 Posted October 17, 2016 My take? That I'm tired of people using the word "love" when "lust", "infatuation", "limerence", "loneliness", etc. is what's really going on. I believe that people think that if they use the word "love" it gives them justification for whatever silly, stupid, self-centered decision they make in a mate. So, he was justified in playing two women cuz he "loved" them. Ok, whatever. I call it, "convenience", "having your cake and eating it too". I was catching up with CBS' 48 Hours yesterday where this guy, who built a multi-million business with his wife (they literally married in their teens, she was 16). Three beautiful kids. Well, for years he cheated. He finally got one who was bold enough to harass the wife. She'd send the wife pictures of them having sex. He bought her two cars (BMW, Mercedes Benz ), breast job, paid her rent and then some. He had her driving the family's Land Rover and all that. Not once did he tell the mistress to stop it. It resulted in one day wife was driving home and saw him/mistress leaving their home and ahe lost it. It turned into road rage with her fender bending mistress, hubby putting his motorcycle between the two and wife bumpered him off into a ditch - where he died. People had the nerve to say that he "loved" his wife, but just liked "excitement" - which included women on the side. No MAN who loves a woman wouldn't put her through that. Granted, his wife put up with his cheating for years, but that's not love either. That's two people staying together out of convenience. He gets to go out and "play", then come home to "homebase"...anything "but" love. 4
elaine567 Posted October 17, 2016 Posted October 17, 2016 My take? That I'm tired of people using the word "love" when "lust", "infatuation", "limerence", "loneliness", etc. is what's really going on. I believe that people think that if they use the word "love" it gives them justification for whatever silly, stupid, self-centered decision they make in a mate. So, he was justified in playing two women cuz he "loved" them. Ok, whatever. I call it, "convenience", "having your cake and eating it too". I was catching up with CBS' 48 Hours yesterday where this guy, who built a multi-million business with his wife (they literally married in their teens, she was 16). Three beautiful kids. Well, for years he cheated. He finally got one who was bold enough to harass the wife. She'd send the wife pictures of them having sex. He bought her two cars (BMW, Mercedes Benz ), breast job, paid her rent and then some. He had her driving the family's Land Rover and all that. Not once did he tell the mistress to stop it. It resulted in one day wife was driving home and saw him/mistress leaving their home and ahe lost it. It turned into road rage with her fender bending mistress, hubby putting his motorcycle between the two and wife bumpered him off into a ditch - where he died. People had the nerve to say that he "loved" his wife, but just liked "excitement" - which included women on the side. No MAN who loves a woman wouldn't put her through that. Granted, his wife put up with his cheating for years, but that's not love either. That's two people staying together out of convenience. He gets to go out and "play", then come home to "homebase"...anything "but" love. I agree completely. "love" is definitely an overused term and especially when it is used in the context of an affair, on all sides of the equation. 3
cocorico Posted October 17, 2016 Posted October 17, 2016 I agree completely. "love" is definitely an overused term and especially when it is used in the context of an affair, on all sides of the equation. Perhaps. But had it not been for an A, I would not have believe that love existed. 1
spiderowl Posted October 17, 2016 Posted October 17, 2016 I feel that is what affairs are. The unconscious mind is acting, getting a person to take steps they would otherwise be afraid of taking, in order to get them out of an unhappy situation. Why people don't just realise their unconscious is taking the lead, I don't know. At some level, the person engaging in an affair must know they could be kicked out if it were found out. They still do it. At some level, they have already made a decision that the relationship they were in is over. Wanting to get out of a relationship and doing it are two different things. People can also want both at once. This is why panic ensues once the pressures increase and there is the threat of being found out or of one party leaving. In the end, if the betrayed partner kicks them out, they have no choice. If the betrayed partner will give them a second chance, then they are likely to choose what they already have, if they have to make a choice.
spiderowl Posted October 17, 2016 Posted October 17, 2016 (edited) Deleted due to inadvertent duplication! Edited October 17, 2016 by spiderowl Deleted due to inadvertent duplication!
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