I need to share my story with someone who understands

[thelilith]

I honestly never thought I could be capable of doing something like this, especially considering what happened to my family. A few years ago, we found out my dad spent years cheating on my mom and had two sons with his mistress. They ended up divorcing and my dad married the mistress. I hated the woman at first, but I fell in love with my baby brothers, got to know her, saw how happy and at peace they were together... I ended up getting really close with her. Actually, as a child I fantasized about my parents getting divorced, not because they fought all the time, but because even though they didn´t, you could just feel discomfort, distance and resentment between them and it was affecting everyone. We (the kids) practically had to tip - toe around the house whenever they were both in because we didn´t want to trigger them. We hated being at home whenever the both of them were inside.

 

This is a similar story to those you´ve heard many, many times before. We met at work when I moved to a foreign state to study and work. He was one of my bosses (not the "big boss", but one of his "supervisors"). We spent months being friendly. I liked him, thought he was cute, smart and charming, but I knew he was married. It wasn´t like that, at first. I was in a relationship at the time and it never even crossed my mind to have something with him. I was very good friends with one of his good friends, so I´ve heard the story of him and his wife. Turns out that prior to meeting her, he was in a relationship for 6 years, but the girl cheated on him. To understand his state of mind, one has to know that he was abandoned by both of his parents and grew up living with his grandma, so he never felt loved. So, he meets this cute, Russian girl who gives him all of the attention he ever craved, takes care of him and loves him, the way he feels he was never loved before. After a year in a relationship, her visa expires and due to the risk of her being deported, he marries her. He loves her, for sure, but he´s not sure if he´s in love with her. After the marriage, her attention becomes slowly more and more suffocating; he starts tracking his cellphone, internet history, stalking him around the city, following him to the gym, calling him at work to check up on him, making him send her pics as a proof of where he´s at, accuses him of being gay each time he hangs out with his best friend, etc. On one hand, that gives him the attention he always craved, on the other, it becomes too much. He isn´t happy with her, but is afraid of letting go and "failing" because, among other reasons, he´s afraid that no one will ever accept him and love him that much.

 

About 4 months after we met, I break up with my bf due to him cheating. At this point, my "boss" was already transferred to another department and we haven´t seen each other for about 2 months. But, we started working on a group project together and he mentioned that he missed me. Due to our work, we chatted a lot, joked around, became really comfortable with each other. Then, one night, during a Christmas party, we got a bit tipsy and started discussing sex, relationships and that sort of things. He got really flirty and we confessed the attraction towards each other. I don´t know about his reasons, but I was in a state of mind where I thought that, since no one gives a damn about hurting my feelings, that I really shouldn´t care about anyone else´s. We kissed and it was amazing. Excitement overruled the guilt, I suppose. A few days and numerious kisses later we had sex and it became addicting. I decided not to allow myself to fall in love. He started by telling that this is just sex and fun. Then his wife found out she was pregnant (got pregnant about one month before we started the affair). We tried breaking up, over and over, but always ended up getting back together. It became more than just sex. Both of us fell in love. On one hand, we felt guilty, but on the other, whenever we were together, it just felt so pure and real and fulfilling. We made a deal; we´d break up after the baby´s birth. And we did; we managed to go one month without each other, until he showed up at my door, hugging me and kissing me breathless, telling me that he can´t do it. I succumbed. I love that innocent, pure happiness and pride in his eyes when he talks about his baby girl. I could love her just by looking at him loving her. And I could never stand between the two of them.

 

I never asked him to leave his wife. But what we had wasn´t enough for me. He told me he doesn´t want to lose his family, yet he can´t live without me, either. I want a normal relationship, not the one I have to hide. And I don´t want to be his escape. He might love me, but he is also using me to run away from the issues in his marriage and with himself that he isn´t ready to deal (with). I told him that and left him 2 days ago. Cut all of the contact and asked "the big boss" to arrange our schedules so we wouldn´t have to meet (the whole company knows about us, but luckily, the CEO is a very good man who is ready to listen and help when needed). His ego is hurt now (among his feelings) because I deleted the fake fb account he made to keep in touch with me from my friends list. He blocked me. I deleted all of his numbers from my phone book.

 

I don´t know what am I trying to accomplish by telling you this. I don´t need you to tell me about morals and accusations and finger - pointing because I´ve heard it all. I guess I´m just trying to make sense of the whole thing. One part of me wants to move on, the other isn´t ready because I love him. We´re all human. We do horrible things, but that doesn´t mean we´re horrible people. He´s one of the sweetest, friendliest, kindest people I´ve ever met. He´s always there for his friends and employees, empathises, listens and helps others. He always comes up with the ways to make everyone smile. He warms up the room he´s in with his positivity. He´s the type of a person who remembers the story you told him about your uncle and asks you of your uncle´s well-being months later. He cares.

 

I must let him go. Whatever is meant to be, will be. Either he´ll try to fix that marriage and succeed or pretend his way through it, like my father, until he can´t take it anymore. Maybe I´ll move on by then. Maybe we´ll get our real chance to be together. Maybe not. I don´t know that. Right now, I just know that I need some understanding, maybe to hear from someone who´s been in his shoes or someone who understands how people think. Some conclusion.

 

I´m not expecting anyone to feel sorry or sympathy for me. I know that I´m "the devil" in these sort of stories. I´m not making any excuses for him or myself and I don´t see him through the rose - colored glasses. I am perfectly aware of his flaws. I´m just hoping that someone will say something, anything, something I could hold onto these days, to help me deal.

Edited October 16, 2016 by thelilith

[JewelD]

Well you do make excuses for him by bringing up his past and how he never felt love and etc. What makes you so sure he's truly unhappy with his wife? You'll have an easier time getting over this situation by looking at it for what it actually was.

 

No man who truly loves or cares for you would ever put you in the position to be second to another woman. Stop believing that his marriage is this horrific nightmare he can't escape. TONS of men leave their families every single day on the drop of a dime. If it was as bad as you think, he would leave.

 

Kill the fantasy of you two ever getting a chance to be together. Even if it happened, he's a cheater. If he'd cheat on his pregnant wife, do you really think he'd be faithful to you? Maybe for a few months but since your role as the mistress would be vacated, he would certainly fill that spot with someone new asap.

 

He, like many married men who cheat, is manipulative as hell. He's shown you the side of him he wants you to see. He tells you what you want to hear. and you buy it because you want to be with him. There's no way he's the nicest kindest person because his moral compass would be going haywire at the thought of messing around on his pregnant wife. Or asking you to be a permanent sister wife.

 

When you stop pretending this is all just circumstance and not indicative of a situation in which two women are being played over one selfish man, you'll want to move on and you'll stop holding out hope for this guy.

[thelilith]

I´m not making excuses for him and he didn´t even tell me those things, his friend did. I believe I stated that above. The thoughts about his mental/emotional state are a combination of what I was told and what I observed, based on my studying psychology (getting my 2nd degree).

 

(Funny how I can be smart about everyone else´s issues, but not my own.)

 

And I´d be a hypocrite to call him names due to him cheating, considering that I was the one he cheated with.

 

You (people who were the other wo/men) don´t think of yourselves as of bad people; why do you think so of the cheater? We´re the partners in our crime.

[JewelD]

Regardless, you have never met his wife or seen how he treats her. He probably complains to his friends when they argue as lots of people in relationships do. It doesn't mean they dont want to be with that person. Im sure his friend has heard some stories about you that he's not telling.

 

That's great you are studying psychology but you really don't have enough distance from the situation to make objective conclusions about this guy.

 

Did it ever dawn on you that maybe all he wanted was sex and affection? I've never been an OW, but spouses tend to get more flack because they made vows. They have a family and kids. OW/OM are usually screwing themselves over more than anyone else if they're not married.

 

You can consider it equal but MM/MW are usually making out like a bandit. Even when the affair ends, they still have a family they can work it out with. OW/OM is left high and dry.

 

Youre struggling to move on while he's probably chilling in bed with his wife.

[thelilith]

I have actually met his wife. All of the female employees have because she insists on checking them out whenever they start working. And she was rude to each. She insulted and called names one of the colleagues because she addressed her husband with "Du" ("you" - casual, we are in Germany) instead of "Sie" ("You" - formal), even though none of us is formal at work. Ever had a boss´ wife checking you out and making rude comments about you while you were working? We all had that experience upon starting to work there.

 

And we were all thousands times in the office whenever she would call and yell because he didn´t respond to her Whatsapp message on time.

 

I´m not going to put the blame on a wife. He cheated. With me. That´s our fault. But she´s not some innocent dame here.

 

Regardless, my point is that he was, in fact, honest about everything. There´s no "evil lying bastard" scenario in here.

 

I don´t need you to tell me to get over this or tell me about him probably screwing his wife, thinking that it would get me to move on or whatever.

 

I just want to understand this from the position of someone who´s actually been in such a situation.

[ShatteredLady]

Hi! This must be very hard for you. You come from a 'happy ending' affair. I can understand your bias. Your Dad wasn't cheating right from the start AND while your Mum was pregnant though.

 

My alarm bells started sceaming when his wife went from this loving, adoring woman too a snooping, paranoid crazy lady. I've only known one thing do that to a young wife...FEAR of ADULTERY!!

 

I'd be very concerned that I'm being played.

 

To be honest I'm bias. I think there's nothing lower than having sex with OW & then going home to have sex with a pregnant wife.

 

I think this is going to be horrible for ALL 3 women. You, wife & baby daughter.

[thelilith]

Hi! This must be very hard for you. You come from a 'happy ending' affair. I can understand your bias. Your Dad wasn't cheating right from the start AND while your Mum was pregnant though.

 

Actually, he did. He married my mother to spite his father (his family didn´t approve of her due to being of different religion). Cheated on her ever since with many, different women. Admitted that much. And has many, many sex videos to prove it (accidentally discovered those on his laptop, yuck).

 

 

 

-----

 

 

Just to make things clear; I don´t plan on going back to him this time. I really, just want to hear what was the state of mind of someone who´s been through something like this before.

Edited October 16, 2016 by thelilith

[sandylee1]

I'm a bit confused about a company where the wide of an employee comes and checks out the new female staff. That's rather odd .... unless he owns the company ... and she has a vested interest.

 

Just leave them to get on with their marriage and look for single men next time. If you go around with the view of not caring because someone else hurt you, you'll only get even more hurt.

 

He's used you for sex while she was pregnant. He showed you pictures of his baby girl .... if I were a BW. that would really p**s me off.

[thelilith]

I'm a bit confused about a company where the wide of an employee comes and checks out the new female staff. That's rather odd .... unless he owns the company ... and she has a vested interest.

 

She´s not the employee and we´re working in a hotel, so people come and go all the time. Since we all know each other´s significant others, they kind of roam freely around.

 

 

We continued seeing each other after her pregnancy ended and he begged me not to break up, to see him and talk this through.

[thelilith]

He showed you pictures of his baby girl .... if I were a BW. that would really p**s me off.

 

There was an weird incident regarding that. The first time he showed me the photos, he mentioned how he couldn´t wait ´til his daughter gets bigger and stronger, so I could meet her. I didn´t want to respond, but found it awkward.

[Hunniebae]

Are you hoping to have the same outcome as your father? You never spoke on how your father's affair affected your mother. You spoke on how it affected you and how you eventually warmed up to your step mom but how did your father's action affect your mother? How did your mom handle you warming up to your step mother?

[thelilith]

At first, she encouraged us to meet our brothers and stay by our father, no matter what. We (kids) were trying to be there for her. We thought that she was a bigger person there, but turns out she sent us to spend some time with dad so we could pick up the info and share with her. Afterwards, she forbid my underage sisters any contact with our brothers and tried (tries) to sabotage their relationship with our father. After she found out that I still saw my brothers and that I met dad mistress, she started spreading a nasty rumour that my father sexually abused me as a kid and that we have an incestuous relationship.

Afterwards, I ceased to have contact with her.

[thelilith]

Are you hoping to have the same outcome as your father?

 

Not the same. Right now, I don´t hope for anything. I´m thinking more in a way of "if we´re meant to be, we´ll find our way to each other, eventually". I don´t want to be there to witness their marriage falling apart and I don´t want to be a scape - goat for something that was effed up way before I showed up.

[confusingme]

Hi, thelilith,

I like your story.I would like to say couple things, I have some same feelings for my OM, I understand how your feelings are above logic. Sometimes, I feel like "damn rules go to hell", I just want to be in that fairy tale, fairy tales are never real and will never come true. But if you keep believing, or clear your mind and keep living in the best part of the fairy tale (the affair), you can actually have the pure happiness that you need for your life. (A lot of people would think very hard to argue that this is not happiness, this is just excitement. well, I honestly don't care if it makes me feel good.)

The only thing that I'm different from you is I'm married, so I can still enjoy my family while my OM does too when we are not together. Of course, this is not right, this is wrong, this is very bad to both families. But most of the times, marriages suck. Husbands can really hurt you emotionally, make you feel everything you do for the family is not worth it. I would say, if I was single, I would stop, cause eventually a woman needs to settle down, unless you are the type of people who do not want to get married. Then it doesn't matter. Well, but if you want a family, and if you want a family with him (keep in mind, the same man would be totally different when they are your OM and your husband. In an affair, I think either of us, man or woman, are showing the best side.) then you should probably stress this to your OM,see what he says. But I personally would not want to marry the man I'm cheating with, simply because once a cheater, always a cheater.

Another thing I want to say is when he told you he would not want to leave his family, then he will not. He will choose family first and put you in second always. It doesn't necessary mean he loves his family, or he doesn't love you. He could want to have both and he love both. I don't want to criticize the man when they leave the OW for his family. Family is very important, especially when they have kids. It's not that simple. Family has a foundation and a lot of connections in it.

I don't like the idea of criticize the man once they leave you. I mean they want fun, yes, but we want fun too. Unless the OM is messing around/sleeping around with multiple women while he is being with you. I wouldn't want to belittle him for what ever reason.

We as the OW, have had too many expectations which they cannot deliver.

We need to "understand" the situation: we are not gonna be a choice for them. They want us, but they don't want to take care of us and they want to see the best of us. Don't give them pressure, just enjoy whatever you can give each other. If you are married too, focus on your own marriage when you are not with him, if you are single, either decide to leave and start your own family, or being the lonely other woman, but understanding is very important, you cannot enjoy the life if you do not understand. Understand the logic of life, understand who you are, understand this is your own choice, understand sometimes, you just cannot explain some things...

Life is too short to try to figure out this and that.

[JewelD]

I have actually met his wife. All of the female employees have because she insists on checking them out whenever they start working. And she was rude to each. She insulted and called names one of the colleagues because she addressed her husband with "Du" ("you" - casual, we are in Germany) instead of "Sie" ("You" - formal), even though none of us is formal at work. Ever had a boss´ wife checking you out and making rude comments about you while you were working? We all had that experience upon starting to work there.

 

And we were all thousands times in the office whenever she would call and yell because he didn´t respond to her Whatsapp message on time.

 

I´m not going to put the blame on a wife. He cheated. With me. That´s our fault. But she´s not some innocent dame here.

 

Regardless, my point is that he was, in fact, honest about everything. There´s no "evil lying bastard" scenario in here.

 

I don´t need you to tell me to get over this or tell me about him probably screwing his wife, thinking that it would get me to move on or whatever.

 

I just want to understand this from the position of someone who´s actually been in such a situation.

 

It's just funny you say how your married man is not an evil lying bastard and yet you've got all of these negative things to say about his wife who really has done absolutely nothing to you besides exist. She's the one truly getting the worst end of the deal.

 

I don't know what you're expecting people to tell you exactly but when you break up with someone whether they were married or not, looking back at all the best times you had and what a great person they were is not going to help you move on at all.

 

You will always have trouble moving on as long as you continue to think that this man was in love with you and truly wanted to be with you. The fact that you're relatively unbothered that he was cheating on his pregnant wife is sad. Regardless of what you want to believe, those are not the actions of a kind or honest man.

 

Good luck though.

[thelilith]

It's just funny you say how your married man is not an evil lying bastard and yet you've got all of these negative things to say about his wife who really has done absolutely nothing to you besides exist. She's the one truly getting the worst end of the deal.

 

 

I don´t recall ever insulting her. All of those "bad things" are simply the facts, written down to help the readers have a better understanding of a situation. I understand that you feel triggered on so many levels, however I´d appreciate it if you´d stay away from the topic because I don´t need to read "a scorned wife relates to the "victim" " type of posts. I´m familiar with that side of things. I stated what I wanted to know.

Edited October 17, 2016 by thelilith

[JewelD]

I don´t recall ever insulting her. All of those "bad things" are simply the facts, written down to help the readers have a better understanding of a situation. I understand that you feel triggered on so many levels, however I´d appreciate it if you´d stay away from the topic because I don´t need "a scorned wife relates to the "victim" " type of posts.

 

I'm not a scorned wife, I'm simply pointing out how you have your MM on a pedestal but have no problem discussing all of the negative things his wife has said or done. If you and him aren't horrible people for messing around then why is she being painted as a cruel shrew just for existing? Oh yeah, because he chose her over you.

 

If you're looking for some motivation to continue sitting around and waiting for a man with a wife and child who clearly doesn't want you, this probably isn't the best forum for you. I know it hurts to hear the truth, but he's had you while he had his wife and his family intact. You have taught him he can treat you like a side piece so you'll probably always be one in his eyes. Play your role or stand by while someone new auditions for the part.

 

My intention was only to give you advice that might help you but you've been rude and nasty and clearly you don't want the truth, so bump it. Good luck with your situation!

[thelilith]

I don´t have him on a pedestal. I´m well aware of his many flaws, however I´m also well aware of women calling men bastards, a-holes, jerks, etc. while forgetting that it takes two to tango. What we did is effed up, that´s for certain, but it doesn´t change the fact that, if none of you knew this about him (us) and if you knew him in real life, you´d like and respect him as a person.

 

On the other hand, the scorned spouse is always seen as a "victim", no matter the circumstances. I haven´t said anything bad about her that could be held as my personal opinion on her. Every single bit used to describe her were the words by other people. I don´t have an opinion on her; I don´t know her personally well enough to form one.

 

Each description used here was done in order for readers to get a visual image of the overall situation.

 

He didn´t choose anyone. I never asked him to choose. I simply left, ignoring his pleads to let him come over and talk.

 

Don´t make any assumptions. I am not a type of a person who whines about these things. I´m not even sad or angry. I´m not looking for support. I don´t need help getting him or our relationship over.

 

I just want to understand see things through the eyes of someone who´s been through something like this (MM or OM).

Edited October 17, 2016 by thelilith

[Raena]

I understand you are asking for understanding from other people who have been in your shoes... but why do you need that? You already have your own point of view of what's happened and how you feel about it. Why not open yourself up to seeing the other sides of the story? I think that is where you will finally see the big picture of it all.

 

This isn't just about you and your involvement in it, it's about all of the pieces involved... wife (who is behaving like he has cheated before), husband (who is getting busy on the side while his wife is obviously unhappy and instead of fixing his marriage, he goes elsewhere), the young baby (who is just innocent but will be affected by the outcome of this affair) and you (the girl on the side who is in love with a married man and not willing to see all sides of the story, just wants to see her own side and get understanding and sympathy from others who have done the same).

 

Understand that you are part of a bigger picture here. Your actions aren't just impacting you, they impact his family and you.

 

I ask you for just one minute to stop and think about why in the world his wife would behave in such a manner? Do you really think she's just a psycho control freak? People who behave the way you have described her do so because there is usually a reason for it. She's not stupid, she has to sense that there is a possibility he is cheating and more than likely, he cheated before you. It's the only logical explanation for why she would feel the need to check up on him so thoroughly... even before you came along.

 

Cutting him off and moving on is your best decision. I get you fell in love with him but it seems like you realize this isn't going to work out well for you. More than likely it won't. If he was going to leave her, he would have done so already. The fact that he hasn't should tell you everything you need to know.

 

My advice to you is to do the same thing you would do in any other break up when you know it has to end. Keep busy, find yourself, do what makes you happy, date others when you are ready, go complete no contact with him and don't look back. There is no easy way to get over it... you just have to go through it. Grieve the loss of what you thought you had and let it go. Maybe even consider therapy too because it seems you have some issues to work out of your own.