ExpatInItaly Posted October 23, 2016 Posted October 23, 2016 Thing is I am not TRYING to be the nice guy, it is just my human natures. I hate to see people struggle and would not like to put that sort of strain on anyone. I get told I am too soft/nice for my own good and therefore allow people to walk all over me (as may be the case here). I understand her frustration I really do but surely if you had 0 feelings for someone as she claims you would not get visibly upset over their self improvements, you would be indifferent? Thing is these self improvements are for me, as if I was not actively pushing myself into these things I would of gone bat **** insane by now, no joke. Yeah you make a good point in acting on the current status but it hurts like hell when I see pictures of her out drinking/partying for two reasons. Firstly I see how good she looks and I let that get away, secondly she admits to owing me this money yet is spending money on alcohol rather than denting the debt. I forgot to mention that when I went to see her she was in her apartment with two layers of clothes on in order to keep warm as she could not afford to turn on her heating, she had no idea I was coming and therefore it could not be a pity act but kicking her while she is obviously down is not in my human nature. Do you think she is taking me for a fool? So she is apparently spending money on alcohol and good times, instead of using that money to pay for heat? She certainly has interesting priorities. Yes, you are being taken for a fool. I think in time, you will see that too. I know it's hard when you care about someone but it clearly doesn't weight much on her that you haven't been repaid. Also, you really need to delete her from social media. Being able to see what she is up to will keep hurting you. Sooner or later, you will something that really stings and it will set you back. It's probably best to forget about the money. It doesn't sound like you are willing to actually reclaim it so consider it a gift to her. That way, you can just cut ties and move on with a clean conscience that you didn't make the poor darling suffer.
Author Nerve Posted October 23, 2016 Author Posted October 23, 2016 So she is apparently spending money on alcohol and good times, instead of using that money to pay for heat? She certainly has interesting priorities. Yes, you are being taken for a fool. I think in time, you will see that too. I know it's hard when you care about someone but it clearly doesn't weight much on her that you haven't been repaid. Also, you really need to delete her from social media. Being able to see what she is up to will keep hurting you. Sooner or later, you will something that really stings and it will set you back. It's probably best to forget about the money. It doesn't sound like you are willing to actually reclaim it so consider it a gift to her. That way, you can just cut ties and move on with a clean conscience that you didn't make the poor darling suffer. Thing is a chunk of me wants to make her suffer, like I really do. I want her to feel a fraction of the stress/pain that she has put me through. My worries are and I know this is pathetic although I am entitled to push for the money back if I do her life is going to be hell for a little while and I will forever be linked that negative experience even if I do it in a semi pleasant way. Honestly I guess I care too much about my future chances with her to do what I need to do right now. See I always hoped she would look back and see that I still looked out for her even though she pushed me away. Again is this foolish thinking?
ExpatInItaly Posted October 23, 2016 Posted October 23, 2016 Thing is a chunk of me wants to make her suffer, like I really do. I want her to feel a fraction of the stress/pain that she has put me through. My worries are and I know this is pathetic although I am entitled to push for the money back if I do her life is going to be hell for a little while and I will forever be linked that negative experience even if I do it in a semi pleasant way. Honestly I guess I care too much about my future chances with her to do what I need to do right now. See I always hoped she would look back and see that I still looked out for her even though she pushed me away. Again is this foolish thinking? Yes, because if she has already emotionally detached then it won't really matter. She will just remember you as a nice man who cares about others. I speak from experience. One of my exes had a similar line of thinking as you. He later confessed that he thought that if continued to try to be my "support" and not ruffle up my life too much, that maybe I would realize I had a made a mistake. In reality, all that did was confirm what I already knew: he was a good guy who cared about me. But I broke up with him for a reason and his desire to be nice to me afterwards didn't change my heart. It really just made me feel guilty because I knew it hurt him that I still didn't want to get back together.
Author Nerve Posted October 23, 2016 Author Posted October 23, 2016 Yes, because if she has already emotionally detached then it won't really matter. She will just remember you as a nice man who cares about others. I speak from experience. One of my exes had a similar line of thinking as you. He later confessed that he thought that if continued to try to be my "support" and not ruffle up my life too much, that maybe I would realize I had a made a mistake. In reality, all that did was confirm what I already knew: he was a good guy who cared about me. But I broke up with him for a reason and his desire to be nice to me afterwards didn't change my heart. It really just made me feel guilty because I knew it hurt him that I still didn't want to get back together. See I know im going backwards here, but I dont know how she can emotionally detach with no conversation or anything with myself. I thought I meant more to her than something she would throw away at a whim without any effort to save. It hurts a lot.
ExpatInItaly Posted October 23, 2016 Posted October 23, 2016 See I know im going backwards here, but I dont know how she can emotionally detach with no conversation or anything with myself. I thought I meant more to her than something she would throw away at a whim without any effort to save. It hurts a lot. It happens when the person just doesn't want the relationship anymore. It's very painful (I have been on both sides of the equation) but they generally don't talk about detaching because they're not really interested in working it out.
Author Nerve Posted October 23, 2016 Author Posted October 23, 2016 It happens when the person just doesn't want the relationship anymore. It's very painful (I have been on both sides of the equation) but they generally don't talk about detaching because they're not really interested in working it out. Yeah, she obviously had 0 interest in attempting to work through any issues. I have spent a lot of time soul searching when self improving and I think I know the root of the issue. When finishing my studies I went easy on myself, I was looking for jobs but not pushing for them, nor was I was I pushing my exercise or hobbies such as MMA. I think this bothered her but not too much. Then as I said we met when we were 18/19 and have been together 6 years this makes me think she probably wants some space and time to herself to enjoy life with no ties. Finally I was due to move down and live with her in the very foreseeable future when combined with the other issues I think the idea of committing has amplified the other problems and made it unbearable. I mean I could be wrong but all the signs are there. If this were the case I know the best think I can do is move on for myself and see if anything comes in the future but as far as maximizing that chance in the future do you feel would be the best actions?
ExpatInItaly Posted October 24, 2016 Posted October 24, 2016 Disappear from her life completely. Let her feel your absence. If that does nothing, then you have to accept it's over for good.
Author Nerve Posted October 24, 2016 Author Posted October 24, 2016 Disappear from her life completely. Let her feel your absence. If that does nothing, then you have to accept it's over for good. Yeah I think you are right but my main issue now is I have a lot of life decisions such as taking this job in her city and moving there knowing no one but with her being 10 mins away. Do you think that is healthy or just going to cause me more harm? Its a solid job and I was planning on moving into a house share with three other people for some company/a social circle when I get there.
Author Nerve Posted October 24, 2016 Author Posted October 24, 2016 Also the thing that hit me today is when I asked her what she would of done had I got a job earlier in these three months that she has felt off she said "I would of had to break then" So basically she has allowed me to apply for career jobs in her city for the last 3 months even though as she claimed she had already hit breaking point and was just waiting for the final straw?!
ExpatInItaly Posted October 24, 2016 Posted October 24, 2016 You can still take this job and not be in her life. I've lived in the same city as exes and still dropped out of their lives. It will probably hurt you a lot to be so close to her yet not be her boyfriend. Only you know whether the prospect of this new job is more important. But whatever you do, don't move with the expectation that you two will reconcile. You don't need to maintain or resume contact with her if you move.
Recommended Posts