So I had a date.

[NuevoYorko]

I feel frustrated reading this, too. I do relate to your disappointment for sure. But you (NO ONE) can really date in such a results-oriented way. That is way, way too much heaped upon meeting someone for the first time.

 

I am in no way trying to talk you into changing your mind, but if you could get an attitude adjustment, along with your disappointment, you might be able to get something positive out of this; for example:

 

You have thought that all people who date online, and most women that you meet, are inferior to you. Look! An exception. There must be several more.

 

You are inexperienced in dating, but you handled this one great. That is something to take with you and use again.

 

The list goes on.

[AMJ]

I think there's a piece of this story missing, ZA. You had a great first date that lasted 3 hours, waited how long (?) to contact her again?

And then she said, it was nice to meet you also...you waited more time (how much?) to ask her on a second date, and then you frantically post on here because she hadn't yet replied within two hours to your date invitation. Is this everything? What am I missing?

How exactly did you ask her to dinner?

 

I think you are buried in your own head a little bit. It's nothing to beat yourself up over. From reading your posts no one alive could be more of a tough critic on you than you are on yourself. You said you didn't want to appear needy. That may have translated in a bigger way than you intended. Especially since she is so intelligent like you mentioned. So in your efforts to not appear needy, maybe it comes off as you being aloof or uninterested. Maybe she needs more reassurance that you are interested.

 

Because I don't know anyone who would stay on a date for 3 hours with a guy they didn't like. That's impossible.

[ZA Dater]

I feel frustrated reading this, too. I do relate to your disappointment for sure. But you (NO ONE) can really date in such a results-oriented way. That is way, way too much heaped upon meeting someone for the first time.

 

I am in no way trying to talk you into changing your mind, but if you could get an attitude adjustment, along with your disappointment, you might be able to get something positive out of this; for example:

 

You have thought that all people who date online, and most women that you meet, are inferior to you. Look! An exception. There must be several more.

 

You are inexperienced in dating, but you handled this one great. That is something to take with you and use again.

 

The list goes on.

 

This is a good "feel better" post but frankly I just don't.

 

Everything I do is done in a results orientated way. Sure an exception, one in 12 years is hardly stellar.

 

Thanks anyway.

[ZA Dater]

I think there's a piece of this story missing, ZA. You had a great first date that lasted 3 hours, waited how long (?) to contact her again?

And then she said, it was nice to meet you also...you waited more time (how much?) to ask her on a second date, and then you frantically post on here because she hadn't yet replied within two hours to your date invitation. Is this everything? What am I missing?

How exactly did you ask her to dinner?

 

I think you are buried in your own head a little bit. It's nothing to beat yourself up over. From reading your posts no one alive could be more of a tough critic on you than you are on yourself. You said you didn't want to appear needy. That may have translated in a bigger way than you intended. Especially since she is so intelligent like you mentioned. So in your efforts to not appear needy, maybe it comes off as you being aloof or uninterested. Maybe she needs more reassurance that you are interested.

 

Because I don't know anyone who would stay on a date for 3 hours with a guy they didn't like. That's impossible.

 

Here is a timeline for you.

 

Contacted her at 9am. " Hey, how are you today? I really enjoyed spending time with you, I am still smiling today"

 

Her reply an hour later "I enjoyed meeting you too"

 

I asked her to dinner via text, I never got a reply to that text and I am sure as not going to phone her and beg her to see me. I am sick and tired grovelling to try and get people to go out with me.

 

I conveyed my interest throughout the date in various was, via compliments and walking her to her car I mentioned I would like to see her again.

 

As for staying on a date for 3 hours I have had this before and surprise the outcome was exactly the same as this.

 

In all honesty it just doesn't seem worth it to me anymore, the results are so poor always and I feel so terrible after the inevitable rejection that it seems there is nothing in the game for me at all. Needless to say I feel more alone than ever today and more a loser than ever.

 

It just seems to me people either have the brain capacity for dating or they don't, they either have the intuition or they don't. I seem to have neither of those things and no matter I do it never ever seems to bring favourable results.

 

I read here and its baffling how people are supposed to "know" these things, when to hold hands, when to kiss, how to flirt (I tried with her but I probably did a bad job of it).

 

Barring grief, I don't think there are many worse feelings than rejecting derived disappointment.

[normal person]

In this instance if there was an issue it was probably the awkward hello and goodbye hug and maybe I am just not good looking enough.

 

No matter what I do, its wrong, no matter what I think is right its wrong. Frankly I am just tried of the same over and over again. Tired of doing the wrong thing and tired of being wrong.

 

Clearly I don't have the aptitude to date and someone out there is telling me this by showing me some great things and them throwing me down into a pile of mud.

 

I tried to bring me out, shared more about me than I usually do, engaged more than ever because I saw early on this is someone I have a lot in common with and a lot of common ground to talk about it. She even asked me questions which is a first. I complimented too.

 

But at the end of the day I am not going to contact her again. Its just plain rejection which is "you aren't good enough", simple as that.

 

Unfortunately for me it is. Its the only way I can determine how much of success a date was or not. How desirable I am or not.

 

 

I think you're overthinking this. You likely didn't do anything "wrong" or "right" to sway her one way or the other. The odds are, as is usually the case with most people, she just wasn't feeling it. Like you "don't feel it" with the dozens of people you have to sift through before you meet the one who makes you want to stop sifting.

 

I think it's a little presumptuous of you to say it was a failure, or you did something wrong, because she didn't want to see you again. That implies that she had some code to be cracked or test to be passed, like if you only said or did "X" then she would've wanted to see you again. Probably not. It probably wasn't that she didn't like you, it was just wasn't the right match for her. That happens to everyone many more times than not. So welcome to the club, my friend. I've been out with plenty of people who did nothing wrong, but I was totally ambivalent about. I'm sure many people would say the same thing about me. That's just the way it is, I wouldn't read as much into it as you are. You're in the same boat as everyone else. So cross her off the list and move onto the next one.

 

Best of luck.

[neowulf]

Just going to leave this here;

 

 

Life is rough man. Life can be disappointing. Dating can be disappointing.

 

If you look deep down and want something; you keep going.

 

Every time I've been single, it's taken between 10-15 dates to find a girl who's willing to consider a relationship.

 

You have to decide to keep pushing forward if you want the results.

You can let these set backups knock you down and take the fight out of you. Or you can suck it up, say screw it, and try again.

 

It's your life man. No one has to live with your choices but you.

Don't give up.

[PrettyEmily77]

Unfortunately I don't really have any chance meetings at all.

 

 

Some context needs to be established, I have spent years trying to find a relationship so when great opportunities come along like this, in general they take years to arrive I do tend to see then for the good opportunities they are and as such I want to make them work out.

 

 

There were way more plusses in this date than there were negatives. Yet despite being on the same page it wasn't good enough.

 

Ok, but the thing is, you go over this like a never-ending circle of doom.

You go on a date, get your hopes up, don't get the results you want for whatever reason, declare you are done with it all only to go on another date, get your hopes, etc.

 

You either do want to find someone you are compatible with via OLD, in which case you need to review your expectations and general attitude towards the process (you could start some yoga or something - anything to get you to a more positive, less intense mindset).

 

Or you don't, and then you actually close your OLD things, call it quits for good and focus on other stuff.

 

This self-harm thing is doing you no good.

[ZA Dater]

Ok, but the thing is, you go over this like a never-ending circle of doom.

You go on a date, get your hopes up, don't get the results you want for whatever reason, declare you are done with it all only to go on another date, get your hopes, etc.

 

You either do want to find someone you are compatible with via OLD, in which case you need to review your expectations and general attitude towards the process (you could start some yoga or something - anything to get you to a more positive, less intense mindset).

 

Or you don't, and then you actually close your OLD things, call it quits for good and focus on other stuff.

 

This self-harm thing is doing you no good.

 

Exactly this. Its time I got out of the circle completely.

 

No good is coming of it and no good has ever come of it in the past which perhaps is as clear signal as any I am simply not cut out to date.

 

People say "oh it happens to everybody" does it happen that nobody has any success ever?

 

I think those instances are few and far between. If I could get SOME success by any definition it would be great. Success in this case being a second date.

 

Everyone here knows how much I want this but the process of trying to get it is simply soul destroying for me, the price I need to pay seemingly is just ridiculous and for what? To be rejected each and every time.

 

As for choices, sure I live them like I live with a metaphorical anvil around my neck, people looking at me because I am single, weird looks because I don't do "guy talk".

 

At the end of it, all I have are slithers of great experiences which are like strawberries in a rotten cake, great in isolation but the cake is always rotten.

 

In short I just don't get it, I don't get dating, I don't understand how it works and its seems a whole lot of effort to be kicked in the teeth.

 

No thanks, I am sure I can find something else to do on my which doesn't put my through this sort of horrid feeling. As I say when I can leave my morals at the door maybe I'll just close my eyes and pay.

[insert_name]

I think there's a piece of this story missing, ZA. You had a great first date that lasted 3 hours, waited how long (?) to contact her again?

And then she said, it was nice to meet you also...you waited more time (how much?) to ask her on a second date, and then you frantically post on here because she hadn't yet replied within two hours to your date invitation. Is this everything? What am I missing?

How exactly did you ask her to dinner?

 

I think you are buried in your own head a little bit. It's nothing to beat yourself up over. From reading your posts no one alive could be more of a tough critic on you than you are on yourself. You said you didn't want to appear needy. That may have translated in a bigger way than you intended. Especially since she is so intelligent like you mentioned. So in your efforts to not appear needy, maybe it comes off as you being aloof or uninterested. Maybe she needs more reassurance that you are interested.

 

Because I don't know anyone who would stay on a date for 3 hours with a guy they didn't like. That's impossible.

 

With respect, believing that is the biggest mistake guys make when online dating. It has happened to me so many times. The 'worst' of which was a girl who I spent 5 hours with, there were so many things we had in common, the time flew by. So much so the bar staff had to force us out of the place as they wanted to close. I walked her to the station and said goodbye. I sent a follow up text an hour later hoping that she got home okay and she replied the following morning to say that there was no spark

 

All the duration means is that you weren't so awful that you made her want to cut and run at any point. Some girls just enjoy chatting crap for a few hours just for the hell of it, doesn't mean they see it going anywhere further than that.

[joseb]

Because I don't know anyone who would stay on a date for 3 hours with a guy they didn't like. That's impossible.

 

I agree with the rest of your post, but this is just not true.

[elaine567]

With respect, believing that is the biggest mistake guys make when online dating. It has happened to me so many times. The 'worst' of which was a girl who I spent 5 hours with, there were so many things we had in common, the time flew by. So much so the bar staff had to force us out of the place as they wanted to close. I walked her to the station and said goodbye. I sent a follow up text an hour later hoping that she got home okay and she replied the following morning to say that there was no spark

 

All the duration means is that you weren't so awful that you made her want to cut and run at any point. Some girls just enjoy chatting crap for a few hours just for the hell of it, doesn't mean they see it going anywhere further than that.

 

I kind of agree, yes it is possible to talk to someone for hours and like them a lot as a person, and get on fantastically well, but that doesn't necessarily mean you would date them, true.

Of course after the hours of chatting and feeling great, with a spark and chemistry in abundance, she may then find a deal breaker... and it is all over.

[elaine567]

The big problem here is that ZA dater should be doing all this at least once a week.

BUT with dating every 6 months or so, there is never any chance of "practice" and so all his eggs are in the one big basket which understandably results in doom and gloom when that basket falls over...

[insert_name]

I kind of agree, yes it is possible to talk to someone for hours and like them a lot as a person, and get on fantastically well, but that doesn't necessarily mean you would date them, true.

Of course after the hours of chatting and feeling great, with a spark and chemistry in abundance, she may then find a deal breaker... and it is all over.

 

Hence why I now advocate shorter initial dates. From what I gather from these boards in the early interactions you can end up ruining your chances with a woman easier than you can enhance them, plus if there is an early deal breaker you end up wasting less of your own time and investing less.

[ZA Dater]

I agree with the rest of your post, but this is just not true.

 

I think it was probably a nice thing to say to try make me feel a bit better.

[ZA Dater]

The big problem here is that ZA dater should be doing all this at least once a week.

BUT with dating every 6 months or so, there is never any chance of "practice" and so all his eggs are in the one big basket which understandably results in doom and gloom when that basket falls over...

 

Really not interested in ever doing any of it ever again. I cant find enough interesting people anyway. What made her was the fact she had knowledge, lived in 5 different countries. Great general knowledge. Happy smiley personality.

 

You find me a string of these sorts of people and I would gladly but the fact is they are all taken. The prime best off the shelf and what is left on the shelf are increasingly desperate, emotionally damaged, cynical and bitter people like me with enough baggage to fill the Grand Canyon many times over.

[insert_name]

The big problem here is that ZA dater should be doing all this at least once a week.

BUT with dating every 6 months or so, there is never any chance of "practice" and so all his eggs are in the one big basket which understandably results in doom and gloom when that basket falls over...

 

Easy to say though, very hard to do in practice.

 

1 date a week is 52 a year. 52! For the average guy to get 52 dates with anyone in a year is good going. To get 52 dates with people who are actually right for you? Nigh on impossible. I agree with the principle, some of us need a certain number of dates before we even reach a point where we can get to the point that other people with better social skills start at. But it is a learning curve and the trick is to see it as such, God knows it took me a while to see it that way and overcome the (entirely natural) desire to feel like it should all come together right this minute. It isn't going to, it might not ever. But you won't know that unless you keep taking the opportunities when they come along, the easiest way to do this is invest little in the whole process. The most investment a guy should make is in his pictures and profile text, everything after that becomes a potential waste of time.

 

The faux defeatist attitude doesn't help either. If I had a pound for everytime someone has a date that doesn't turn out right and then acts like a hormonal teenager refusing to go on anymore dates....and then are back at it a week or so later, I would be a rich man. I don't see OP as being any different.

[joseb]

I think it was probably a nice thing to say to try make me feel a bit better.

 

I dont think.it was really, more that she herself doesn't do that.

 

On the plus side, the fact this date stayed that long does mean she was at least somewhat interested and didn't dislike you. If she really didn't like you, she could have bailed.

 

So it's not all bad.

 

It's also not impossible that she is a little unsure right now, and she might accept another date.

[elaine567]

Easy to say though, very hard to do in practice.

 

1 date a week is 52 a year. 52! For the average guy to get 52 dates with anyone in a year is good going. To get 52 dates with people who are actually right for you? Nigh on impossible.

 

I agree with the principle, some of us need a certain number of dates before we even reach a point where we can get to the point that other people with better social skills start at.

 

Yes, I agree I did not mean it literally, just that the experience both practically and emotionally that a date a week would give, would be hugely beneficial. A date every 6 months or so, with a very carefully filtered subject, brings huge expectations, expectations that are very unlikely to be realised.

[ZA Dater]

I don't see OP as being any different.

 

Extremely unlikely.

[ZA Dater]

It's also not impossible that she is a little unsure right now, and she might accept another date.

 

I have asked once and I don't intend asking again. There are a few pay date options but intrinsically the idea doesn't interest me. I was looking for something concrete rather than a few hours of fakery.

[insert_name]

Extremely unlikely.

 

Of course you will- you are just going through that intense annoyance that follows making a connection with someone and it not working out.

 

You need to be a bit more 'zen' about it all. Accept that you really might be alone forever but be open to the possibility that you might not. Admittedly it has taken 36 years of life experience for me to think this way but rather that than be forever unhappy because I am terminally single.

 

Also if the only realistic way you can meet people is through online dating then you might as well keep at it. Honestly I couldn't imagine anything worse than getting to 50 and still being single, never married, no kids and thinking that in my younger years I never even gave it my best shot to try and meet someone.

[elaine567]

Honestly I couldn't imagine anything worse than getting to 50 and still being single, never married, no kids and thinking that in my younger years I never even gave it my best shot to try and meet someone.

 

That is exactly what makes it so ludicrous for anyone to suggest giving up dating at 32.

35, 40, 45, 50, 55, 60, 65, 70, 75, 80, 85, 90... is a very long time to spend alone, when with a bit of effort...

 

Za,

If SA is not doing it for you, have you ever thought of travelling, getting a job somewhere else, going on a sabbatical/career break, opening up your horizons a bit to new experiences.

You have no ties, no real responsibilities, now is the time to do it.

YOU loved the fact that woman had travelled a lot, maybe go out and get some of that for yourself

[ZA Dater]

Of course you will- you are just going through that intense annoyance that follows making a connection with someone and it not working out.

 

You need to be a bit more 'zen' about it all. Accept that you really might be alone forever but be open to the possibility that you might not. Admittedly it has taken 36 years of life experience for me to think this way but rather that than be forever unhappy because I am terminally single.

 

Also if the only realistic way you can meet people is through online dating then you might as well keep at it. Honestly I couldn't imagine anything worse than getting to 50 and still being single, never married, no kids and thinking that in my younger years I never even gave it my best shot to try and meet someone.

 

I have done what I can. Am finished with it now. Would rather just spend my time doing other things which actually provided some enjoyment. As opposed to chasing the totally impossible.

 

Just simply has not worked out for me in any shape or form, the world isn't going to be what I want it to be ever, the qualities I have are never going to appeal to anyone remotely on the same page as me. Sure, I can scrape the bottom of the barrel and go out with people I don't want but I'd rather not completely destroy what little bit of self worth I have left.

[ZA Dater]

That is exactly what makes it so ludicrous for anyone to suggest giving up dating at 32.

35, 40, 45, 50, 55, 60, 65, 70, 75, 80, 85, 90... is a very long time to spend alone, when with a bit of effort...

 

Za,

If SA is not doing it for you, have you ever thought of travelling, getting a job somewhere else, going on a sabbatical/career break, opening up your horizons a bit to new experiences.

You have no ties, no real responsibilities, now is the time to do it.

YOU loved the fact that woman had travelled a lot, maybe go out and get some of that for yourself

 

I have put in the effort countless times and got absolutely no reward for it at all, just a kick in the teeth. Unfortunately I do have responsibilities here, I committed via my direct day to day involvement in a few companies. There is a lot I love here, what I don't love is being on my own all the time and what I love even less is the near total lack of intellectual challenge I get on 99.9% of dates. I am not super smart but I can speak and I do have knowledge.

 

I sometimes wish I could post here the level of apathy I encounter on dating sites and in person.

 

For three hours on Saturday I could actually be ME. I could use the language I wanted to, I could verbalise ideas thoughts and beliefs, I could aske questions, I was asked thought provoking questions. I can probably count on one hand the number of times I could be ME on a date.

 

As apposed to sitting down with someone who cannot understand anything I say, cannot relate to anything I say, has no real interest in anything. Its these people who make up those who use dating sites in SA. Please note the IN SA part.

 

Its easy to give up because why bother to continue, I cannot think of one single reason or motivation to continue. It used to be I hoped of one day doing the dinner, movie and everything that comes after and you know what on Saturday I thought I had found that person, no negatives at all.

[Wade Lamare]

I don't understand why you are viewing this as a failure and being all down on yourself?

 

You went out, met a nice woman, had a lovely date and from the sounds of it you had a great time.

 

Instead of regarding this in such a negative light take the experience going forwards and concentrate on the positives. "I had a great time, I proved to myself that I can engage a nice woman in conversation and interest her with what I have to say."

 

You mention that there was a bit of an age gap? Perhaps she too was conscious of this and although she would have loved to pursue some further dates with you/ jump your bones she just couldn't get over the age gap.

 

No experience with OLD but from the outside it looks like a bit of a minefield.

 

I personally feel you are pushing this too much and expecting too much from the outcome. Relax, enjoy yourself, have fun and great convos and the rest will take care of itself.

 

I know this has probably been suggested to you but can't you join some sort of organisation, club or sporting activity? A man with interests, passions and a career is a very marketable man indeed.

 

Ya know, even Mr Stud McStudlypants doesn't always get the girl. You're at an added disadvantage because you are understandably a bit unsure of yourself.

 

I honestly feel that you are the kind of guy who will find love and companionship sneaks up on you on your blind side when you are least expecting it.