Author ZA Dater Posted October 16, 2016 Author Posted October 16, 2016 So I take it that you think it was desperate and over eager of her to reply to you in an hour? I am tearing my hair out here, trying to help you! It's so darn frustrating!!! She doesn't want a pic of a hike - save that kinda stuff for months down the road and pictures can take hours to come through on a phone. If you want a date call her NOW. Just what's apped her and asked if she would like to go to dinner on Friday.
GemmaUK Posted October 16, 2016 Posted October 16, 2016 Just what's apped her and asked if she would like to go to dinner on Friday. I have to only hope that if you get a positive but 'yeah sure' type of response that we are not back at square one. If you get a positive then call her to firm it up, don't text her. 1
Author ZA Dater Posted October 16, 2016 Author Posted October 16, 2016 I have to only hope that if you get a positive but 'yeah sure' type of response that we are not back at square one. If you get a positive then call her to firm it up, don't text her. Will see what happens. I am keeping my feet on the ground, after all I haven't ever had a second date with anyone.
Author ZA Dater Posted October 16, 2016 Author Posted October 16, 2016 This is exactly why I cant be bothered and exactly why I end up bitter and cynical. Its also why I dare not ever hope for a favourable outcome to anything dating related. Message has been read and no reply has been forthcoming. No real surprise there, this is me we are talking about the most useless undesirable dating person. I don't get people, no matter what I do its seemingly never good enough or I do the wrong thing or I spend so long trying to figure out what someone with experience would do. I really thought this had potential. Guess like everything dating related I was wrong yet again.
Philosopher Posted October 16, 2016 Posted October 16, 2016 Just what's apped her and asked if she would like to go to dinner on Friday. I think it is right that you asked her out, however I would not get your hopes up too much. Normally if they want to meet up they will try to continue the conversation in their reply. A couple of weeks ago I went on a date with a girl. I sent her a message saying I really enjoyed the date but got a reply back very similar to yours. This made me suspect she was not interested. Normally if I am reasonably confident there will be a second date I will call them up suggesting another date. However given I was unsure I instead sent her a message the next day asking how her day was going to further gauge her level of interest. She never replied.
Author ZA Dater Posted October 16, 2016 Author Posted October 16, 2016 I think it is right that you asked her out, however I would not get your hopes up too much. Normally if they want to meet up they will try to continue the conversation in their reply. A couple of weeks ago I went on a date with a girl. I sent her a message saying I really enjoyed the date but got a reply back very similar to yours. This made me suspect she was not interested. Normally if I am reasonably confident there will be a second date I will call them up suggesting another date. However given I was unsure I instead sent her a message the next day asking how her day was going to further gauge her level of interest. She never replied. Which is why I feel a certain sense of more of the same when it comes to never getting seconds dates. Its like people go home and them rethink and from being great it just falls apart. I suppose I should not be too surprised at not getting a second date because I have never managed to get one before.
Author ZA Dater Posted October 16, 2016 Author Posted October 16, 2016 Undoubtedly it was one of the best dates I have had but it seems to me that somehow I am destined to only see brief slithers of how nice things can be before I get smacked down to earth. In this instance if there was an issue it was probably the awkward hello and goodbye hug and maybe I am just not good looking enough. In many aspects this could have been really nice even if just friends.
Imajerk17 Posted October 16, 2016 Posted October 16, 2016 This thread is painful to read ZA, after the first few posts that is. You right now are literally leading this thing to defeat. Waiting a few hours and asking her out via Whatsapp--how is any woman supposed to get excited about that? If I were you I'd call her to say "Hey xx this is ZA. I had a really good time w you and I'd to see you again. There is this terrific hiking trail that I think you'd really like, so let me know when you're free and we can do that. Talk to you soon" You can turn this around. Show some positive leadership! 1
Author ZA Dater Posted October 16, 2016 Author Posted October 16, 2016 This thread is painful to read ZA, after the first few posts that is. You right now are literally leading this thing to defeat. Waiting a few hours and asking her out via Whatsapp--how is any woman supposed to get excited about that? If I were you I'd call her to say "Hey xx this is ZA. I had a really good time w you and I'd to see you again. There is this terrific hiking trail that I think you'd really like, so let me know when you're free and we can do that. Talk to you soon" You can turn this around. Show some positive leadership! Not interested in begging someone to see me. If they ignore me do they want to see me, quite clearly not. Life goes on.
marxman2015 Posted October 16, 2016 Posted October 16, 2016 You did nothing wrong ZA, asking a girl out on whatsapp is OKAY. If she is interested, doesnt matter what way you ask her out, she will still agree to come out. Online dating is Very Very hard, I am a good looking guy with a professional high paying career, but I can count in one hand the number of girls that I get at least 2 dates in, after 1 year of dating. 1
Philosopher Posted October 16, 2016 Posted October 16, 2016 This thread is painful to read ZA, after the first few posts that is. You right now are literally leading this thing to defeat. Waiting a few hours and asking her out via Whatsapp--how is any woman supposed to get excited about that? If I were you I'd call her to say "Hey xx this is ZA. I had a really good time w you and I'd to see you again. There is this terrific hiking trail that I think you'd really like, so let me know when you're free and we can do that. Talk to you soon" You can turn this around. Show some positive leadership! I think it is too early to write her off, I would give it at least 24 hours before concluding that she is not interested. However I personally think contacting her again is not the best thing to do, this may come off as desperate and thus make a second date less rather than more likely. Though I do think next time you are in this situation you should call rather than whats apping or texting her.
Author ZA Dater Posted October 16, 2016 Author Posted October 16, 2016 I think it is too early to write her off, I would give it at least 24 hours before concluding that she is not interested. However I personally think contacting her again is not the best thing to do, this may come off as desperate and thus make a second date less rather than more likely. Though I do think next time you are in this situation you should call rather than whats apping or texting her. I thought I would give dating one last try and unsurprisingly the results are the same as every other time I have tried it. This time I used everything I have learnt from here and still its not enough. If I cannot even get it to work someone I get on well with (extremely rare) then its totally pointless. As I say friends would even have been ok. Point being. Its not worth it by any objective measure. Nothing I could have done different and still I am simply not good enough, that's what it boils down to at the end of the day.
PrettyEmily77 Posted October 16, 2016 Posted October 16, 2016 I thought I would give dating one last try and unsurprisingly the results are the same as every other time I have tried it. This time I used everything I have learnt from here and still its not enough. If I cannot even get it to work someone I get on well with (extremely rare) then its totally pointless. As I say friends would even have been ok. Point being. Its not worth it by any objective measure. Nothing I could have done different and still I am simply not good enough, that's what it boils down to at the end of the day. Taking it personally is tempting, but it's not a good idea. Getting a second date should not be a measuring stick for your personal worth. You don't date to make friends - that's a whole different mindset altogether. It can happen organically of course, but it's not naturally the second best outcome to a first date. Like you said, you met a lovely person and you had a good time - that's a very good outcome already. Things will get better with more positive experiences like this one, plus it's a bit too early to call it either way. 1
insert_name Posted October 16, 2016 Posted October 16, 2016 I thought I would give dating one last try and unsurprisingly the results are the same as every other time I have tried it. This time I used everything I have learnt from here and still its not enough. If I cannot even get it to work someone I get on well with (extremely rare) then its totally pointless. As I say friends would even have been ok. Point being. Its not worth it by any objective measure. Nothing I could have done different and still I am simply not good enough, that's what it boils down to at the end of the day. Imo you could have done things differently- it sounds like you invested too much in the date and the experience, so much so you are looking for clues as to how well it went (human nature admittedly). For a start the duration is a red herring. I truly believe that you can't under stay your welcome but you can over stay it. I've had dates that seemed to reach a peak in terms of the girls receptivity and stayed long after that, by the 3rd hour the spark has gone and there was no second date, I got the impression by that point we had shared too much and she saw me as a friend. So as a result I try and keep a first meet short and sweet. Leave them wanting more as they say. Plus I do truly believe that it is better if the man leads the entire interaction. You tell them a time a date and a place and you tell them when the date is over, sort of a 'masculine energy' sorta thing. This is also great in the sense that it keeps your investment low, you haven'the spent a great deal of time or money so if she doesn'the want to see you again you are down an hour of your time and the cost of a drink. So much better than staying for 3+ hours and coming away from it thinking 'gee we talked about our favourite breed of zebra for like, 3 hours! That has to mean something!'. The golden rule I live by now is everything that happens on a first date means absolutely nothing. Due to the nature of dating women are on the defensive on a first date and, in the worst case scenario, will say and do whatever they have to so that you get the impression that they like you so the date goes smoothly and comfortably and they aren't in any physical danger. They can then reject you at their leisure and comfort when they are no longer in your presence and can easily avoid any fall out. Which is cool- they have the right to choose who they go on a second date with. If you change your mindset and approach you can hedge against this outcome, don't even view it as a first date if you are meeting a girl from online. It is date zero, a change to see if she is attractive in person and you could seriously date her. Also view it as an hour spent practicing your conversation skills ready for the person that you really will date. All this helps take that early investment out of the situation. Trust me, I do it this way because the consistent thing in all my failed first dates is (as well as me!) that they went on forever and I kept coming away thinking that and the way the woman laughed at my jokes etc meant that she was obviously interested so I was definitely going to get a second date right?! Usually I was wrong. Keep doing what you have always done, get what you have always got etc.
Author ZA Dater Posted October 16, 2016 Author Posted October 16, 2016 Imo you could have done things differently- it sounds like you invested too much in the date and the experience, so much so you are looking for clues as to how well it went (human nature admittedly). For a start the duration is a red herring. I truly believe that you can't under stay your welcome but you can over stay it. I've had dates that seemed to reach a peak in terms of the girls receptivity and stayed long after that, by the 3rd hour the spark has gone and there was no second date, I got the impression by that point we had shared too much and she saw me as a friend. So as a result I try and keep a first meet short and sweet. Leave them wanting more as they say. Plus I do truly believe that it is better if the man leads the entire interaction. You tell them a time a date and a place and you tell them when the date is over, sort of a 'masculine energy' sorta thing. This is also great in the sense that it keeps your investment low, you haven'the spent a great deal of time or money so if she doesn'the want to see you again you are down an hour of your time and the cost of a drink. So much better than staying for 3+ hours and coming away from it thinking 'gee we talked about our favourite breed of zebra for like, 3 hours! That has to mean something!'. The golden rule I live by now is everything that happens on a first date means absolutely nothing. Due to the nature of dating women are on the defensive on a first date and, in the worst case scenario, will say and do whatever they have to so that you get the impression that they like you so the date goes smoothly and comfortably and they aren't in any physical danger. They can then reject you at their leisure and comfort when they are no longer in your presence and can easily avoid any fall out. Which is cool- they have the right to choose who they go on a second date with. If you change your mindset and approach you can hedge against this outcome, don't even view it as a first date if you are meeting a girl from online. It is date zero, a change to see if she is attractive in person and you could seriously date her. Also view it as an hour spent practicing your conversation skills ready for the person that you really will date. All this helps take that early investment out of the situation. Trust me, I do it this way because the consistent thing in all my failed first dates is (as well as me!) that they went on forever and I kept coming away thinking that and the way the woman laughed at my jokes etc meant that she was obviously interested so I was definitely going to get a second date right?! Usually I was wrong. Keep doing what you have always done, get what you have always got etc. Thanks. This post exactly sums up why I am done with dating. No matter what I do, its wrong, no matter what I think is right its wrong. Frankly I am just tried of the same over and over again. Tired of doing the wrong thing and tired of being wrong. Clearly I don't have the aptitude to date and someone out there is telling me this by showing me some great things and them throwing me down into a pile of mud. I tried to bring me out, shared more about me than I usually do, engaged more than ever because I saw early on this is someone I have a lot in common with and a lot of common ground to talk about it. She even asked me questions which is a first. I complimented too. But at the end of the day I am not going to contact her again. Its just plain rejection which is "you aren't good enough", simple as that.
Author ZA Dater Posted October 16, 2016 Author Posted October 16, 2016 Taking it personally is tempting, but it's not a good idea. Getting a second date should not be a measuring stick for your personal worth. You don't date to make friends - that's a whole different mindset altogether. It can happen organically of course, but it's not naturally the second best outcome to a first date. Like you said, you met a lovely person and you had a good time - that's a very good outcome already. Things will get better with more positive experiences like this one, plus it's a bit too early to call it either way. Unfortunately for me it is. Its the only way I can determine how much of success a date was or not. How desirable I am or not. It might have been fun but honestly I'd have preferred to be told "look I am not interested" than live on false hope and my own interpretation of how things went. If I flopped it was probably because of the awkward hugs so again I messed up. No real surprise there then. Its this exact feeling which is why I doubt I will look again after this, there is nothing good to experience. Great highs but the lows really wipe out any positive feeling in one swoop.
insert_name Posted October 16, 2016 Posted October 16, 2016 Thanks. This post exactly sums up why I am done with dating. No matter what I do, its wrong, no matter what I think is right its wrong. Frankly I am just tried of the same over and over again. Tired of doing the wrong thing and tired of being wrong. Clearly I don't have the aptitude to date and someone out there is telling me this by showing me some great things and them throwing me down into a pile of mud. I tried to bring me out, shared more about me than I usually do, engaged more than ever because I saw early on this is someone I have a lot in common with and a lot of common ground to talk about it. She even asked me questions which is a first. I complimented too. But at the end of the day I am not going to contact her again. Its just plain rejection which is "you aren't good enough", simple as that. It's a learning curve and perfectly natural that dating is something you have to figure out over time whilst learning from.the mistakes you make so I wouldn't completely give up. Just make sure that you do learn something from each date that goes nowhere. Otherwise you will either continue to fail and frustrate yourself or succeed but only through a fluke.
Author ZA Dater Posted October 16, 2016 Author Posted October 16, 2016 It's a learning curve and perfectly natural that dating is something you have to figure out over time whilst learning from.the mistakes you make so I wouldn't completely give up. Just make sure that you do learn something from each date that goes nowhere. Otherwise you will either continue to fail and frustrate yourself or succeed but only through a fluke. What do I learn from this one? No idea to be honest which is why I am throwing in the towel, without critique its impossible to improve and seeing as nobody will ever give it its pretty pointless. All dating, which in my case is constant rejection does, is make me miserable. As for figuring it out, clearly I am not better at it at 32 than I was at 22. No real learning happening.
PrettyEmily77 Posted October 16, 2016 Posted October 16, 2016 Unfortunately for me it is. Its the only way I can determine how much of success a date was or not. How desirable I am or not. It might have been fun but honestly I'd have preferred to be told "look I am not interested" than live on false hope and my own interpretation of how things went. If I flopped it was probably because of the awkward hugs so again I messed up. No real surprise there then. Its this exact feeling which is why I doubt I will look again after this, there is nothing good to experience. Great highs but the lows really wipe out any positive feeling in one swoop. In all honesty, meeting someone for the first time doesn't really warrant either. A first date is just that; a first date. A chance to get to know someone for the first time. There are no guaranties, which is as it should be - leaves everyone free to make the choices they deem right for themselves at the time. I have nothing against OLD in general and know lots of people benefit from it, but I know it's not for me as doesn't suit my temperament - too many steps involved, too much thought and time put into it when I'd rather do other stuff. I don't want to be someone's 15's date of the month or another notch on someone else's bedpost, so I stay well away because I know the chances of these situations happening with OLD are tenfold (at least) what they are IRL; simply down to logistics, I guess. So I favour chance meetings - yes they are a lot rarer, but all things considered they offer a similar rate of 'success', especially when you are in no rush. Maybe you should think about whether OLD is the right platform for you personally to meet someone? 1
elaine567 Posted October 16, 2016 Posted October 16, 2016 What do I learn from this one? YOU learn that extending your dating age range to late thirties will get you educated professional women that you can talk to. Your friends are all older, so it is no coincidence that you managed to find some sort of connection with an "older" women. and you also earned that not all "older" women are saddled with scores of kids by different fathers... YOU also kept a conversation alive for hours with a stranger, so you now you know you can do it. Baby steps. 1
Author ZA Dater Posted October 16, 2016 Author Posted October 16, 2016 In all honesty, meeting someone for the first time doesn't really warrant either. A first date is just that; a first date. A chance to get to know someone for the first time. There are no guaranties, which is as it should be - leaves everyone free to make the choices they deem right for themselves at the time. I have nothing against OLD in general and know lots of people benefit from it, but I know it's not for me as doesn't suit my temperament - too many steps involved, too much thought and time put into it when I'd rather do other stuff. I don't want to be someone's 15's date of the month or another notch on someone else's bedpost, so I stay well away because I know the chances of these situations happening with OLD are tenfold (at least) what they are IRL; simply down to logistics, I guess. So I favour chance meetings - yes they are a lot rarer, but all things considered they offer a similar rate of 'success', especially when you are in no rush. Maybe you should think about whether OLD is the right platform for you personally to meet someone? Unfortunately I don't really have any chance meetings at all. Some context needs to be established, I have spent years trying to find a relationship so when great opportunities come along like this, in general they take years to arrive I do tend to see then for the good opportunities they are and as such I want to make them work out. There were way more plusses in this date than there were negatives. Yet despite being on the same page it wasn't good enough.
Author ZA Dater Posted October 16, 2016 Author Posted October 16, 2016 YOU learn that extending your dating age range to late thirties will get you educated professional women that you can talk to. Your friends are all older, so it is no coincidence that you managed to find some sort of connection with an "older" women. and you also earned that not all "older" women are saddled with scores of kids by different fathers... YOU also kept a conversation alive for hours with a stranger, so you now you know you can do it. Baby steps. I was waiting for this. There is no way to possibly explain to you how rare no kids and late 30s is, rarer still is late thirties who looks like early 20's looks wise, rarer yet still is someone who actually gets me. However I done this time. Eventually when I want to get laid, I'll close my eyes and pay like many others have done for centuries. As for intellectual stimulation I'll just work most of the time to negate the need for that or failing that I will talk to myself.
Miss Spider Posted October 16, 2016 Posted October 16, 2016 That's too defeatist. You should keep trying.
Author ZA Dater Posted October 16, 2016 Author Posted October 16, 2016 That's too defeatist. You should keep trying. Why when the result is always the same. Never being able to find any degree of measureable success. There is absolutely zero reason to keep trying. This saga has proved it beyond doubt in my mind. If there is an upside in rejection I certainly haven't ever found it.
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