baba999 Posted October 16, 2016 Posted October 16, 2016 Dating a month, haven't been intimate yet. I need to prepare for interview and that's his expertise. I asked him whether he can help me prepare. He hesitated for 3 seconds, then said "if you really want to, sure. But then our relationship will overlap, because i will be your teacher." Then later that day he texted me saying " Let's make a side deal. You help me with French and in exchange I help you with preparations. So you don't have to feel you owe me something intimate for that and the other way around ;P " I feel it strange. Is he afraid I am using him or he is a selfish person? When I told the other guy I am dating that I had an interview he said " do you need help preparing? I can help." ......Or he doesn't really want to devote to me much? Any thought is appreciated!
basil67 Posted October 16, 2016 Posted October 16, 2016 The guy who wants to match favour for favour sounds a bit strange. Helping each other is just what people do - and over time it should roughly balance out. 3
joseb Posted October 16, 2016 Posted October 16, 2016 Just sounds like he is flirting a bit, mentioning intimacy so its on your mind. 1
morrowrd Posted October 16, 2016 Posted October 16, 2016 hmmm, it would honestly bother me too. While you haven't been dating long, usually in the beginning, you are on your best behavior. And while being yourself is a good thing, and boundaries (especially with online dating where strangers are introduced) are very important, this kind of conditional "help" this early on makes me wonder to what extent it would be in a committed relationship. I mean, helping people you aren't dating is no big either, and you aren't just anyone. You're in a romantic situation....potentially. 1
Versacehottie Posted October 16, 2016 Posted October 16, 2016 It sounds weird. Maybe he's very awkward though and didn't mean it like it's coming off. Maybe he is just wanting to spend more time with you. Or maybe he is the type to not want to give something for nothing (which is really odd in this situation!!)? Or I don't know how his profession is really structured but is there a chance that you are overstepping with your request? It doesn't sound like it but who knows--people ask me to do favors for them all the time regarding my work and sometimes it really is overstepping. A guy you are dating and hoping to get more serious with--hopefully he sees it as an opportunity with you even if it crosses into his work territory. Are you sure you weren't being too presumptuous about what amount of time it would take for him to do it, etc and in the way you made the request? Idk, initially my feeling is that he is being weird or awkward, or possibly stingy. But unless I knew his profession (more than with a just a simple description), it's hard to imagine what it really is like to be in his shoes. I imagine it happens to him a lot if his job is to prepare people for interviews and it IS how he makes his living. Also doing it is work time given for free in lieu of what he can spend doing things he wants to in his life. Idk, you need to see some of it from his side potentially--but gut reaction is that I wouldn't be that happy with an answer like that from him and would want to get clarification and keep my eyes open in general. Good luck 1
Redhead14 Posted October 16, 2016 Posted October 16, 2016 Dating a month, haven't been intimate yet. I need to prepare for interview and that's his expertise. I asked him whether he can help me prepare. He hesitated for 3 seconds, then said "if you really want to, sure. But then our relationship will overlap, because i will be your teacher." Then later that day he texted me saying " Let's make a side deal. You help me with French and in exchange I help you with preparations. So you don't have to feel you owe me something intimate for that and the other way around ;P " I feel it strange. Is he afraid I am using him or he is a selfish person? When I told the other guy I am dating that I had an interview he said " do you need help preparing? I can help." ......Or he doesn't really want to devote to me much? Any thought is appreciated! You help me with French and in exchange I help you with preparations. So you don't have to feel you owe me something intimate for that and the other way around ;P -- I'd bet dollars to donuts it's a back handed, veiled hint at wanting to have sex with you at some point. The emoji kinda spins it back in my mind. I would have responded something like this: "oh, don't worry about that. I appreciate your help and I'm seeing someone", unless, of course, you're hoping for more with him. In which case, you should just ignore it and see where it goes. 2
Author baba999 Posted October 16, 2016 Author Posted October 16, 2016 It sounds weird. Maybe he's very awkward though and didn't mean it like it's coming off. Maybe he is just wanting to spend more time with you. Or maybe he is the type to not want to give something for nothing (which is really odd in this situation!!)? Or I don't know how his profession is really structured but is there a chance that you are overstepping with your request? It doesn't sound like it but who knows--people ask me to do favors for them all the time regarding my work and sometimes it really is overstepping. A guy you are dating and hoping to get more serious with--hopefully he sees it as an opportunity with you even if it crosses into his work territory. Are you sure you weren't being too presumptuous about what amount of time it would take for him to do it, etc and in the way you made the request? Idk, initially my feeling is that he is being weird or awkward, or possibly stingy. But unless I knew his profession (more than with a just a simple description), it's hard to imagine what it really is like to be in his shoes. I imagine it happens to him a lot if his job is to prepare people for interviews and it IS how he makes his living. Also doing it is work time given for free in lieu of what he can spend doing things he wants to in his life. Idk, you need to see some of it from his side potentially--but gut reaction is that I wouldn't be that happy with an answer like that from him and would want to get clarification and keep my eyes open in general. Good luck Thanks for your answer! Actually before I mentioned I needed his help, i already helped with his French several times and he didn’t say he felt he owe me….But he always pays during 10 dates and he says he likes strong and initiative girls. And he always pays for dates (like 6 dinners and 3 movies) 1
Author baba999 Posted October 16, 2016 Author Posted October 16, 2016 You help me with French and in exchange I help you with preparations. So you don't have to feel you owe me something intimate for that and the other way around ;P -- I'd bet dollars to donuts it's a back handed, veiled hint at wanting to have sex with you at some point. The emoji kinda spins it back in my mind. I would have responded something like this: "oh, don't worry about that. I appreciate your help and I'm seeing someone", unless, of course, you're hoping for more with him. In which case, you should just ignore it and see where it goes. Do you think he is not serious about me and mainly in it for sex?
Redhead14 Posted October 16, 2016 Posted October 16, 2016 (edited) Do you think he is not serious about me and mainly in it for sex? Well, the fact is, we don't really know enough by that statement. The only way to know what his intentions are is to sit back and observe his behavior towards you from this point on. But, more importantly, you need to know what you want . . . and maintain boundaries if it appears he's just after sex and that's not what you want. I think he is at least alluding to something more than just a study partner. But, let's not assume anything and let him demonstrate . . . You've been dating him for a month already . . . how has he been making you feel during this time in terms of intentions? Apparently, you have never had a conversation about your dating goals in general. That would be a good starting point. Tell him what you are looking for out of your dating journey and let him tell you what he's looking for. If you're not on the same page for overall goals, then you need to be clear that this study plan is going to be platonic or simply don't proceed with the study plan. Edited October 16, 2016 by Redhead14 2
Versacehottie Posted October 16, 2016 Posted October 16, 2016 Thanks for your answer! Actually before I mentioned I needed his help, i already helped with his French several times and he didn’t say he felt he owe me….But he always pays during 10 dates and he says he likes strong and initiative girls. And he always pays for dates (like 6 dinners and 3 movies) To me that just sounds like he was super awkward, misunderstood OR is unfortunately stingy. I would just clarify or tease him about wanting to turn him helping you into a "trade". Nothing worse than a guy who is always keeping score--if that indeed is what he means. I think since he always is paying, it sounds like he awkwardly might have been trying to say he wanted french lessons in return because he wants to spend more time with you. Good luck
Miss Spider Posted October 16, 2016 Posted October 16, 2016 (edited) To me that just sounds like he was super awkward, misunderstood OR is unfortunately stingy. I would just clarify or tease him about wanting to turn him helping you into a "trade". Nothing worse than a guy who is always keeping score--if that indeed is what he means. I think since he always is paying, it sounds like he awkwardly might have been trying to say he wanted french lessons in return because he wants to spend more time with you. Good luck Yeah... I agree. Maybe it was a just a flirty joke, but it's off putting to me for some reason. I guess it's the whole "many a true word is spoken in jest" that may imply his mindset Edited October 16, 2016 by Cookiesandough 1
Redhead14 Posted October 16, 2016 Posted October 16, 2016 Yeah... I agree. Maybe it was a just a flirty joke, but it's off putting to me for some reason. I guess it's the whole "many a true word is spoken in jest" that may imply his mindset/he sees this as barter. Look at the bigger picture with him . . . you've been dating him for a month. What has he been showing you during this month? If he's been inconsistent, unclear, sketchy about his intentions up to this point, you've got a real reason to question his intentions. If you've been feeling pretty comfortable up to this point, give him the benefit of the doubt. But, more importantly, stop with the maybe's, the I guess stuff. Have a conversation with him. "you know Xname, I'm not sure what you mean't by your response the other day." and let him talk. Frame it as a statement, not an accusation or assumption of anything.
joseb Posted October 16, 2016 Posted October 16, 2016 (edited) Do you think he is not serious about me and mainly in it for sex? Maybe he is serious about you and is mainly interested in sex, as it hasn't happened. Look, newsflash. Guys date women because they want to have sex. If they just want to chat to people they will go out with their mates. This doesn't mean they ONLY want to have sex, but unless they are asexual or gay, they want to have sex. He has taken you out and paid for TEN dates. I think he could get sex a lot easier than that if he wanted to. Maybe he has come to a point where he is wondering if you are just taking the piss a bit, never paying for anything on dates and now asking him for professional help, while still not being intimate after 10 dates. Not too many guys these days would be too happy with that. Edited October 16, 2016 by joseb
Scarlett.O'hara Posted October 16, 2016 Posted October 16, 2016 When I told the other guy I am dating that I had an interview he said " do you need help preparing? I can help." It was nice of guy 2 to offer, but it doesn't make guy 1 bad for not offering straight away. They shouldn't feel under any obligation to help anyway. Guy 1 probably feels like he is being friend-zoned at this point (and yes, possibly a bit used) so he was trying to turn the conversation sexual to let you know that he is interested in you sexually. Frankly, you could have been talking about the weather and he would have found some way to make it sound suggestive. Perhaps he handled it a bit awkwardly, but it was a now or never moment. He doesn't want to be your guy friend that takes you out and does favors for you, he wants more. If you don't, you need to be clear so he doesn't waste his time. 1
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