Giving up.

[patooks]

So I have been single for 10 months now. After my ex ended our relationship and I returned home I tried dating different women online to try and replace what I had lost.

 

The first few dates went ok. The 2nd women I met we went on for dates, then she ended it quickly. Since then it's always ended after 1 date. Always the same line though.

 

" Your'e a nice guy but the chemistry isn't there ". Physical chemistry is there yes, but other chemistry no.

 

So after 11 or 12 of these dates and same lines, I took 2 months off to focus on my work, gym, my dogs etc.

 

Met a really nice girl last Sunday online, we chatted a lot. Met her today, had butterflies hard as she was different from the other women I had met. I thought we connected, chatted very easily. As we left she said " see you next time ".

 

I tried a different mindset, even saying to myself that it will be a no answer.

 

Hour later, got the same old tired message I always get.

 

I really don't know what I'm doing wrong. I'm 37, in good shape, good job, own half a house, girls say I'm handsome, as that is all we have when we like someone online.

 

I really feel like giving up and accepting online I will never meet anyone, and your pride takes a massive hit every time you are rejected, and I will be single forever.

[NJ123]

So I have been single for 10 months now. After my ex ended our relationship and I returned home I tried dating different women online to try and replace what I had lost.

 

The first few dates went ok. The 2nd women I met we went on for dates, then she ended it quickly. Since then it's always ended after 1 date. Always the same line though.

 

" Your'e a nice guy but the chemistry isn't there ". Physical chemistry is there yes, but other chemistry no.

 

So after 11 or 12 of these dates and same lines, I took 2 months off to focus on my work, gym, my dogs etc.

 

Met a really nice girl last Sunday online, we chatted a lot. Met her today, had butterflies hard as she was different from the other women I had met. I thought we connected, chatted very easily. As we left she said " see you next time ".

 

I tried a different mindset, even saying to myself that it will be a no answer.

 

Hour later, got the same old tired message I always get.

 

I really don't know what I'm doing wrong. I'm 37, in good shape, good job, own half a house, girls say I'm handsome, as that is all we have when we like someone online.

 

I really feel like giving up and accepting online I will never meet anyone, and your pride takes a massive hit every time you are rejected, and I will be single forever.

 

How tall are you? It honestly means a whole lot when it comes to online dating.

[patooks]

just under 5'10. Really.....

[NJ123]

just under 5'10. Really.....

 

Yeah, it really depends on what sites you're using though where it shows your height on your profile. But if you're listing your height at 5'10" than that shouldn't be that big of a deal to most women except for the real picky ones that exclusively only want guys that are 6 foot+.

[patooks]

Tinder mainly and a local one here in my country.

[NJ123]

Tinder mainly and a local one here in my country.

 

True, than you're fine. I was thinking it was your height since you said you were having trouble with online dating. The main problem guys have with online dating it seems is if they're not tall enough since everyone are way more superficial online than in person.

[patooks]

I have listed my height on the apps. So it isn't a surprise to them. I don't know what I'm doing wrong tbh.

[NJ123]

I have listed my height on the apps. So it isn't a surprise to them. I don't know what I'm doing wrong tbh.

 

It's really hard to say since you said the last woman you met had a good time. I guess you just have to keep trying & eventually you'll find someone that likes you back a lot too.

[patooks]

we talked for like 1 1/2 hours with no pauses at all. It was like we knew eachother for ages.

[NJ123]

we talked for like 1 1/2 hours with no pauses at all. It was like we knew eachother for ages.

 

Well, what did she exactly say when you talked to her/texted her on the phone after the date? That there was no chemistry?

[patooks]

pretty much. Typical your'e a nice guy but there was no chemistry. I get that line all the time.

[joseb]

So I have been single for 10 months now. After my ex ended our relationship and I returned home I tried dating different women online to try and replace what I had lost.

 

 

I really feel like giving up and accepting online I will never meet anyone, and your pride takes a massive hit every time you are rejected, and I will be single forever.

 

I'm not sure what you are doing wrong, but it's something.

 

The only clue is from the bolded above - you kinda sound a bit desperate to get a girlfriend. Drop that mentality. KNOW that you are fine alone.

Once you really get to that point, you are more likely to attract women.

 

Talking non stop on the date isn't necessarily a great thing. Leave some pauses in there to create sexual tension. Are you flirting enough? The fact they normally mention chemistry suggests not.

[Satu]

snip

So I have been single for 10 months now. After my ex ended our relationship and I returned home *I tried dating different women online to try and replace what I had lost.

 

*There is your problem.

 

Nobody wants to be somebodies replacement.

 

People are picking up cues from you (subliminally) that give away what you're doing.

 

You're not ready to date.

 

 

Here's a clipping from my journal:

 

 

"Never begin a new relationship until you've fully moved on from the one before.

 

Also never begin a new relationship with someone who hasn't fully moved on from their one before.

 

By 'moved on,' I mean any necessary grieving done, not preoccupied with the ex, enjoying life, feeling good about yourself, and optimistic about the future.

 

The best way to move on is to decide to be single for a while; not dating, not hooking up, no fwb.

 

'Get back on the horse' is sound advice, but its best to let the cuts and bruises heal before you do."

 

 

Take care.

[morrowrd]

"Nice guy" isn't necessarily always a bad word. Usually it's a term used in the polite exit strategy women use when they're actually and honestly ending things. What's your confidence level like? Are you a doormat personality? Those two factors, are big factors.

[patooks]

Nope... I'm not a doormat personality. I look after myself and I'm confident. Her last words before we left today was see you next time and I kissed her goodbye.

[patooks]

Sorry, that was when within the first 3 months of dating after my ex left me, about the replacing line. It's been 9 months now and I have moved on.

[BaileyB]

Don't give up.

 

Online dating is hard. It takes a while, but if you are persistant, you will meet someone. Keep your chin up.

[mortensorchid]

Nope... I'm not a doormat personality. I look after myself and I'm confident. Her last words before we left today was see you next time and I kissed her goodbye.

 

Have you contacted her since? I've been on a lot of internet dates (and otherwise) where the man seems like a perfectly good guy and he ends it by saying "I'll see you soon", then I never hear from him again. If I have not heard from him within 48 hours after the get together, I will not hear from him again 90% of the time. He might contact me a few days / a week later, I might have a second get together with him, but I know deep within that he doesn't really care if I say yes or no to a second get together, and even if I do see him for a second time, I won't hear from him again after that.

[patooks]

I messaged her after we met and asked could we meet up again, and her response was " Your'e a nice guy but there wasn't a connection. I'm sorry. Take care ".

[JimmyHill]

...I tried dating different women online to try and replace what I had lost...I took 2 months off to focus on my...your pride takes a massive hit every time you are rejected, and I will be single forever.

You were trying to hard at the beginning. As stated already by Satu

Nobody wants to be somebodies replacement.

People are picking up cues from you

It may sound silly, but to quote Donal Logue in Tao of Steve "Woman can smell an agenda like S#!t on a shoe". He was referring to sex, but it's still true. They can tell that you're looking for a girlfriend for the sake of a girlfriend. What you should be doing is living your life and let someone who compliments it find you.

 

You say that you then took 2 months off from "online dating" to focus on more personal things. This is what you should have been doing as soon as possible following your breakup. Sure, go out for a weekend bender with the boys to blow off some steam and complain about the ex. Once that's over, move on with YOUR life.

 

When I say to let someone that compliments your life find you, I mean someone in the real world(not on Tinder or dating sites) who enjoys the things you do. If you really share common interests, she'll tend to frequent the same places/circles as you. Remember, just because a woman says she likes similar things in her profile does not necessarily make it so. They're likely trying to get as many hits as possible so that they can weed through to the ones they actually like. They may even do things on a first date that they have no interest in. Online dating is mostly a joke, particularly for those of us over 30. Ok, you may get laid from Tinder or POF. Is that all you want in your life?

 

If you want to "find someone" in the real world, just let it happen. I'll give you a great example. 5 years ago I frequented the local dog park with my mutt. There were not a lot of single women there in my age range, I didn't care. I was there with my dog and had no agenda. On some occasions I would meet someone and get to talking. One woman in particular became the object of MY DOGS attention. I'm not talking about using a pet to attract women, that's PUA game BS. Anyway, through no effort on my part other than chatting, we ended up dating for about a year or so. No agenda, we just talked like normal people. We found that we had common interests in real life, and hit it off.

 

Lastly, on rejection, don't dwell on it. Want to make it easier to deal with? Don't chase women. Don't go chasing "girlfriends" or "hook-ups". Let connections happen.

[ZA Dater]

Reading the initial question in this thread and reading the responses has been interesting.

 

 

1: Should the OP give up?

 

 

Well that depends, do you feel like you are getting anything out of going on these dates, do you see anything overwhelmingly positive?

Giving up is not advice I would usually advocate but when it comes to dating I truthfully believe that for some of us it would simply enhance our lives to give up.

 

 

You need to assess the degree of positive you get before you get rejected and then decide if you can use that to try and get a favourable response. However, the big proviso is getting rejected may continue for a long time.

 

 

One of the responses here "don't look desperate", really that's hard to do if someone is desperate and what is so bad about being desperate?

 

 

I cant tell you what to do but if I were you, single out the positives and negatives and then decide if the whole thing I worth it.

[Ruby Slippers]

" Your'e a nice guy but the chemistry isn't there ".

 

I really don't know what I'm doing wrong. I'm 37, in good shape, good job, own half a house, girls say I'm handsome, as that is all we have when we like someone online.

I think I've dated men like you. They have it all together, handsome, accomplished, great on paper - but something is missing, and it's usually a certain passion for life that's missing.

 

It's reminding me of this one man I dated who was the whole package, but just had this dispirited vibe about him. His ex-fiance had cheated on him years ago, but I got the feeling he still wasn't over it. He seemed excited about me, but there was this air of "the bottom will probably fall out of this, too" about him.

 

I think you have to get to the place where you're feeling excited about your future and the possibilities in romance. I get the impression you're not quite there yet. I think when you do, your dates will start going better.

 

Another option is that you're not being assertive enough with flirtation, early physical contact, and so on. I can say that it makes a HUGE difference when I'm on a first date with a guy and he places his hand on the small of my back when we cross the street, little affectionate touches like that, and a guy who keeps his hands to himself the whole time.

 

Good luck!

[ZA Dater]

I think I've dated men like you. They have it all together, handsome, accomplished, great on paper - but something is missing, and it's usually a certain passion for life that's missing.

 

It's reminding me of this one man I dated who was the whole package, but just had this dispirited vibe about him. His ex-fiance had cheated on him years ago, but I got the feeling he still wasn't over it. He seemed excited about me, but there was this air of "the bottom will probably fall out of this, too" about him.

 

I think you have to get to the place where you're feeling excited about your future and the possibilities in romance. I get the impression you're not quite there yet. I think when you do, your dates will start going better.

 

Another option is that you're not being assertive enough with flirtation, early physical contact, and so on. I can say that it makes a HUGE difference when I'm on a first date with a guy and he places his hand on the small of my back when we cross the street, little affectionate touches like that, and a guy who keeps his hands to himself the whole time.

 

Good luck!

 

How do you propose the OP gets rid of that feeling? I'd be fascinated as to the answer to that.

[patooks]

I work in retail, involves dogs and cats. So especially dogs are my interest. And all the customers have dogs that come in. There is a lot of attractive women with dogs. 1 in particular who is 32 comes in. We usually chat for like 30 mins at a time. I'm sure she is single. We talk a lot about personal things. This has only happened recently though. I have liked her since I met her 2 years ago.

[joseb]

How do you propose the OP gets rid of that feeling? I'd be fascinated as to the answer to that.

 

He needs to change his mindset. This takes time, there is no magic bullet, but thats what he needs to do. If he goes in assuming its going to fail, his body language will convey it, his tone of voice will convey it and it will probably happen.