Did I have the right to be angry if she didn't put out?

October 15, 2016

NOTHING should be assumed. Nowadays it is all about consent, consent is everything.

Getting angry at someone who doesn't want to have sex with you, is not seen as the correct response.

Watch this great video from the police.

October 15, 2016

NOTHING should be assumed. Nowadays it is all about consent, consent is everything.
Getting angry at someone who doesn't want to have sex with you, is not seen as the correct response.
Watch this great video from the police.

You're right it is. I think this has been cleared up now. I respect any woman's choice to say no but I do not appreciate feeling led on. If she changed her mind because she wanted to but it just dawned on her that she'd rather wait all of a sudden, I'll take that on board from now on. You're all right that I should change my attitude and not expect it as a guarantee. However, if it happens to me again I will bear in mind that this is life and it happens, as I now have experience in it. But I will still politely ask them to leave.

October 15, 2016

Well this is news to me, at least I've learned something new. I thought thought it was common knowledge that going home with someone from a bar was an unspoken code for sex.

Again, irrelevant. She said NO and her right to say no trumps your right to follow through on your sexual exploit. It is her right to say no at ANYTIME. It is your responsibility to be controlled enough to stop...as you did.

This is not about rape or even potential rape. You need to get past this slight and realize that you are and were not entitled to anything.

October 15, 2016

Well this is news to me, at least I've learned something new. I thought thought it was common knowledge that going home with someone from a bar was an unspoken code for sex.

You're kidding right? Seriously???!!

October 15, 2016

Well heavens, I'm shocked that a man who brought a girl back to his place in the middle of the night expected sex

OP, yeah, you have the right to be angry. When a girl comes back to your place after a night at the bar, it's common knowledge what's about to go down. What the hell else would a drunk girl want to do with a guy in the middle of the night?

This girl acted like she was interested, dry humps OP, then tries to switch into choir girl mode. She should've acted that way at the bar then so OP could've found someone else.

That being said, if you wanted to get laid, your mistake was making a big deal out of what she said, because it was really just a last second test. Had you made a joke about it, like laughing and telling her "Oh you thought you were getting lucky tonight?" or even just agreed and then kept fooling around with her, I guarantee she would've been down.

I'm sure I'll get some flack for that last part, but I'm telling you what works. Women get turned on by a man who is sexually aggressive. Last second tests are annoying, but they're also common, so you've got to know how to deal with them.

October 15, 2016

I've had this happen to me once from a Tinder first date. We both had quite a few drinks. I respected her decision, we slept for an hour and then had sex.

October 15, 2016

You're kidding right? Seriously???!!

I think that he is not..and the why is because the woman seemed on board with it until suddenly she was not.

Is it a woman's or a man's prerogative to change their mind? Absolutely yes.

Was the OP led to think that sex would occur? I think so.

Lesson would be to make no assumptions with a quickie...to the point of being an absolute gentleman while making sure that she has gathered her belongings and has a safe trip home.

October 15, 2016

I bumped into a girl I know in a bar last night that I was talking to over facebook on and off for a few months. Long story short, I invited her back to mine and things got hot and heavy, had her bra off and she got on top of me and started to dry hump me, making out passionately on the bed and then she pulls the 'I don't want to be an easy ****' card. I told her I think she's cool, felt a connection with her and that she should have communicated it with me before coming back with me because I felt she led me on and played this 'game' on purpose, I told her its blatantly obvious why I asked her back, she was clearly 'in the mood' but held back due to this supposed 'rule' and I like girls that are honest and go for what they want. I'd have probably started to date her if it had happened.

I felt really played and deceived, and I started having a go at her and it escalated into an argument and she made out that I was being weird and crazy about it. I ended up kicking her out because I was so mad, which I feel bad about because its not something I'd normally do, I'm usually a morally driven man and a gentleman.

I suspected this girl was a bit of a narcissist game player before I ever actually met her in person because she seemed to always be uploading selfies and pictures of her everyday life in a sort of 'look at how much of a strong and independent woman I am' kind of way. I was going to take her out on a date before but my suspicions about her character stopped me in my tracks. But when I finally bumped into her I thought, maybe I should give her a chance, maybe I've been single for a long time because I'm too picky and look for the smallest red flags' and then this happened, I now feel as though I should have trusted my instincts.

I can see where you are coming from. Few years back, i dated this guy long distance. We met once in person and talked for one month on social media and phone. We finally decided to go on date and also wanted to have sex on date night. It was pretty much planned lol But when date came around, he messaged me the day before that may be we shouldnt rush into things too quickly. Of course i was mad and he knew it. But i went on date anyways, things were different.. He asked me again if i wanted to have sex, of course i wanted but i didnt say yes.. So yeah like others said you just can't force people, people change their minds all time. They don't owe us anything. I can see why you would be mad.

October 15, 2016

However, if it happens to me again I will bear in mind that this is life and it happens, as I now have experience in it. But I will still politely ask them to leave.

Just make sure you are both on the same page BEFORE you invite her to your home.

Expecting drunk women who won't put out for you, to go onto the streets late at night/early morning in unfamiliar districts is not exactly safe, fair nor gentlemanly.

October 15, 2016

Just make sure you are both on the same page BEFORE you invite her to your home.
Expecting drunk women who won't put out for you, to go onto the streets late at night/early morning in unfamiliar districts is not exactly safe, fair nor gentlemanly.

LMAO, what a nice double standard that is. It's not fair for him to tell a woman to leave at night if she won't put out? So, he gets crucified for expecting sex in this situation, but it's perfectly fine for the woman to expect free room and board for the night?

It's not her duty to have sex with him, just like it's not his duty to let her stay at his place for the night.

October 15, 2016

Just make sure you are both on the same page BEFORE you invite her to your home.
Expecting drunk women who won't put out for you, to go onto the streets late at night/early morning in unfamiliar districts is not exactly safe, fair nor gentlemanly.

So much emphasis in this thread about the guy being a gentleman...the girl is being given a free pass to act how she likes and the guy is being told to accommodate her whimsical nature and be a 'gentleman'!

Ignore all this 'gentleman' crap OP. Don't break the law and respect a woman's choices - but don't go out of your way to coddle a female just because she is a female. She is not a protected species, is not your girlfriend (as she has made clear) and is not your responsibility. If you want her to leave I am sure, as an independent woman, she is quite capable of calling a taxi for herself and paying for it too. If she isn't then she is not responsible enough to be agreeing to go back to strange men's houses in the first place.

October 15, 2016

I felt she led me on and played this 'game' on purpose,

What game where?

I felt really played and deceived, and I started having a go at her and it escalated into an argument and she made out that I was being weird and crazy about it.

Maybe you are being weird and crazy about it. Your expectations weren't fulfilled and you are clearly angry. That isn't the action of a mature person but that of a child.

I'm usually a morally driven man and a gentleman.

So what made you otherwise then? Your expectations weren't fulfilled and you got angry and had a tantrum, that is more likely to be your normal reaction if that's the one you had. Your cover is blown because you dropped the facade you normally put on and became yourself.

I suspected this girl was a bit of a narcissist game player before I ever actually met her in person because she seemed to always be uploading selfies and pictures of her everyday life in a sort of 'look at how much of a strong and independent woman I am' kind of way.

Someone using social media makes them a narcissist? Okay.....No-one should ever photoblog their life? Okay....She didn't fulfill your expectations of sex is probably more of the problem. But in any case you had this negative expectation of her before you even met her and this event just gave you an opportunity to lash out with your negative expectation and confirm your own bias.

I was going to take her out on a date before but my suspicions about her character stopped me in my tracks.

You were going to date her but only if she agreed to have sex with you first? Okay that's an interesting way to start a relationship with someone. Doesn't sound very moral and gentlemanly to me, sounds a bit suspect actually. Kind of like you were willing to pay for her business with a date if you got sex. But since you didn't get it you're not interested in her now? People are either interested or not. You were interested in getting sex from her but since you didn't get it, now she is.....

-narcissistic

- not worthy of a date etc

Maybe she's actually picking up this attitude of yours and deciding she'd rather not be intimate with someone with those attitudes? Just a thought.

I'm too picky and look for the smallest red flags'

You've answered your own question here really.

October 15, 2016

OP,

Welcome to the Blue Balls at the plate...lol..

You are not always going to seal the deal when swinging for the fence....sometimes you foul one off into the stands. get caught looking when you get a slider brushing the plate or strike out swinging.

It happens.

Don't feel too bad, there are always other women I am sure who would be happy to follow you home. At least you know where you stand with the gal from last night. I'm sure your next potential boot knocking episode is in the near future.

October 15, 2016

So much emphasis in this thread about the guy being a gentleman...the girl is being given a free pass to act how she likes and the guy is being told to accommodate her whimsical nature and be a 'gentleman'!

Ignore all this 'gentleman' crap OP. Don't break the law and respect a woman's choices - but don't go out of your way to coddle a female just because she is a female. She is not a protected species, is not your girlfriend (as she has made clear) and is not your responsibility. If you want her to leave I am sure, as an independent woman, she is quite capable of calling a taxi for herself and paying for it too. If she isn't then she is not responsible enough to be agreeing to go back to strange men's houses in the first place.

Everyone is jumping on the "gentleman crap" as the OP himself said he was "a gentleman" in his very first post.

October 15, 2016

Everyone is jumping on the "gentleman crap" as the OP himself said he was "a gentleman" in his very first post.

Yeah fair point that - I was forgetting. OP will hopefully learn from marketing himself as the gentlemanly type after this episode, either that or actually act gentlemanly but I don't think that is the ideal solution for him.

October 15, 2016

LMAO, what a nice double standard that is. It's not fair for him to tell a woman to leave at night if she won't put out? So, he gets crucified for expecting sex in this situation, but it's perfectly fine for the woman to expect free room and board for the night?

It's not her duty to have sex with him, just like it's not his duty to let her stay at his place for the night.

I almost noted to Elaine the double standard...but did not. It was a lack of semantic diligence. None of us ever do that.

I think we all understand Elaine's point, without any compromise...and I agree.

October 15, 2016

Angry? No. Dissapointed? Yes. You could have handled it better and had a nice little side piece/ possible relationship.. Chalk it up and move on. I bet the next time you see her solo at the bar and she goes home with you, she'll know what you want!

October 15, 2016

There is a really simple way to reduce the risk of disappointment. Instead of saying "do you want to come back to my place?" Say "do you want to come back to my place for a @#$%?" Be very clear about your intentions.

This doesn't mean that she won't have a moment of clarity and change her mind while fooling around, but it does increase the chances of her having that moment of clarity before she accepts your invitation.

#1 rule of dating - do not assume.

FWIW, I used to struggle with boundary/consent issues back when I was young. It wasn't talked about back then So, I found myself in the situation of this girl more than once. Getting carried away and not really thinking things through. Unlike this girl, I did have sex. I didn't want to have sex, but I did so because the worst thing a girl could do back then was lead a guy on and then change her mind. I always regretted it.

So I ask you this: Would you prefer that when a woman had a moment of clarity she put the breaks on? Or would you prefer to that she suck it up and continue with sex even though she doesn't really want it?

October 15, 2016

it's statements like these that make me think women believe they have a right to lead men on and be dic-teases when they flat out don't.

So.. a woman "leads" a guy on, get's him all hot and bothered then says no.

What exactly is the guy suffering again? Disappointment? A little frustration? Blue balls?

Jesus, if a man wants to treat sex like a contract, hire a hooker.

People have this weird habit of disempowering themselves in these situations.

No one "made" this guy do anything. She didn't hold a gun to his head. He took a chance, wanted to get laid and it didn't pan out. So what? That's grounds to behave like a tolder who just got told they couldn't have ice-cream?

I swear, some men behave like god damn junkies when it comes to sex.

If you want to treat sex like a legally binding contract, then have to balls to treat it like a business transaction and pay.

Otherwise, it's all 100% negotiation between two adults. No promises.

October 15, 2016

So I ask you this: Would you prefer that when a woman had a moment of clarity she put the breaks on? Or would you prefer to that she suck it up and continue with sex even though she doesn't really want it?

I know this was directed at the OP, but I personally would prefer that she puts the breaks on and then leave my house of her own volition.

October 16, 2016

I know this was directed at the OP, but I personally would prefer that she puts the breaks on and then leave my house of her own volition.

I know it was directed at the OP, but I'm glad you answered.

I fully agree. Had I had the skill set back in my day, I would have said "I think I've made a mistake. I'm sorry and I will see myself out". I really think it's a better outcome for all than having unwanted sex.

October 16, 2016

Not everybody thinks the way you do- well obviously. As you are female perhaps you could explain the female viewpoint then because this is what I can't get my head round:

The girl rejects sex because she is 'not being that type of girl' or whatever. If that is the case, she would have not been that type of girl before even agreeing to go back with him- so why go back? Maybe she thought he was a gentleman and they would drink tea, eat biscuits and play scrabble at 3am at his place like every other couple that meet in a bar have a few drinks and get a taxi back to the guy's place. So okay whatever they go back to his, he gets the scrabble board out and somehow it turns out he isn't a gentleman and he tries it on. Why not cut and run at that point? Why does it take her until she is dry humping him to shut him down? She has basically got as close to the act as possible without doing it. Fine, she is allowed to do that- but why did she put herself in that situation?

I guess I am trying to apply logic and reason to female behaviour, a notorious plane of existence where there is no logic and reason so that is probably my mistake. I just can't see how she is naive enough to put herself in that situation if her intention wasn't some sort of sexual power play (confirmation of her desirability without actually racking up another notch on her belt).

Maybe just as she said, she enjoyed all that stuff, but didn't want to have sex because of this prominent belief that a lot of people have that if they do it too soon the other person won't respect them. Or maybe she got carried away in the moment and changed her mind. But it really doesn't matter. To reason she did this or that therefore she should of had sex with him is creeper mentality.

Edited October 16, 2016 by Cookiesandough

October 16, 2016

Guys, can we please stop this thread now? I get it. I've learned, I'm not bloody perfect and have flaws that I want to work on, I'm sorry okay??

October 16, 2016

I'd have probably started to date her if it had happened

What a gem you are.

People have the right to change their minds. It sucks and sure you can be upset about it, but your behavior was childish.

Also maybe try dating before the sex part.

Oh and also, a woman confident in her looks and who likes to post beautiful pictures of herself does not mean she's narcissistic or a tease.

Women are allowed to own their sexuality for the pleasure of themselves, not just the pleasure of men.

October 16, 2016

Guys, can we please stop this thread now? I get it. I've learned, I'm not bloody perfect and have flaws that I want to work on, I'm sorry okay??

Oops didn't see this till after I posted.

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