Retroactive Jealousy over first relationship ?

[Rafiki]

Hi all.

I suffer from retroactive jealousy and it's quite bad since I have OCD too. Is there any help for this problem?

 

The jealousy is obviously irrational - it's over my boyfriend's first gf and relationship which only lasted a month. We're both virgins saving sex for marriage. He never did anything sexual with the girl, they just kissed and cuddled without any inappropriate/sexual touching. He is my first boyfriend which also adds to the problem. He does tell me that he's had more 'firsts' with me than he had with her (things like touching and sexting etc) but that doesn't really help reassure me.

 

I used to be totally fine with his past until one day I read an article about how your first relationship is the "most exciting" of them all. That triggered the OCD jealousy reaction straight away. I was his 5th girlfriend and he'd only kissed that first girlfriend before me but somehow it felt like by the time I came along it wasn't exciting for him anymore because he'd already been there and done that. Having said that, when we meet up he's always all over me and wants to kiss and touch all the time so maybe he does get excited?

 

I spoke to him briefly about it once and he told me that whatever I read was bull****. He told me he wasn't even attracted to that girl (ex) and that he is sexually attracted to me. When I told him that I couldnt kiss him anymore because it gave me anxiety over his past he said that just because he's kissed another girl before it doesnt mean were not going to do it and he also said that when we got together he wasn't in a hurry to kiss me because he'd already done it before. I don't exactly know what his second statement means and whether it's a good thing or a bad thing? To me it means that he wasn't as excited to kiss me but maybe im taking it all in the wrong way maybe he meant that after 4 failed relationships when he finally got with me he wanted to focus on building a relationship before getting physical?

 

Background: due to religious and cultural upbringing I always had the idea that I would only kiss the man I marry. Me and my bf were bestfriends before we started dating so he already knew this. But after a year into the relationship he promised me he'll marry me and had tears in his eyes

.. I believed him and we kissed. I believe we will marry some day as we love each other so much and im his longest relationship (4 years).

 

I really don't want to lose him I love him too much. How do I cope ?

 

P.S please no comments saying 'grow up' or 'get over it' - if you've never experienced OCD you don't know how tormenting it can be and it's not a matter of maturity. Thanks.

[RecentChange]

Have you been to professional counseling?

 

You need some tools in order to help you manage your OCD. And I am afraid that is much beyond the scope of some laymen on a public forum board.

 

I will emphasize that it is very important that you learn how to better manage your condition because it will manifest in other ways.

 

Plus it would be very difficult to have a harmonious marriage with someone who has unmanaged OCD.

 

Get some help for yourself, it will help this issue, and bigger ones you will face down the road

[Satu]

I agree with RecentChange.

 

It would be best to seek some professional help with this.

 

 

Take care.

[Redhead14]

Hi all.

I suffer from retroactive jealousy and it's quite bad since I have OCD too. Is there any help for this problem?

 

The jealousy is obviously irrational - it's over my boyfriend's first gf and relationship which only lasted a month. We're both virgins saving sex for marriage. He never did anything sexual with the girl, they just kissed and cuddled without any inappropriate/sexual touching. He is my first boyfriend which also adds to the problem. He does tell me that he's had more 'firsts' with me than he had with her (things like touching and sexting etc) but that doesn't really help reassure me.

 

I used to be totally fine with his past until one day I read an article about how your first relationship is the "most exciting" of them all. That triggered the OCD jealousy reaction straight away. I was his 5th girlfriend and he'd only kissed that first girlfriend before me but somehow it felt like by the time I came along it wasn't exciting for him anymore because he'd already been there and done that. Having said that, when we meet up he's always all over me and wants to kiss and touch all the time so maybe he does get excited?

 

I spoke to him briefly about it once and he told me that whatever I read was bull****. He told me he wasn't even attracted to that girl (ex) and that he is sexually attracted to me. When I told him that I couldnt kiss him anymore because it gave me anxiety over his past he said that just because he's kissed another girl before it doesnt mean were not going to do it and he also said that when we got together he wasn't in a hurry to kiss me because he'd already done it before. I don't exactly know what his second statement means and whether it's a good thing or a bad thing? To me it means that he wasn't as excited to kiss me but maybe im taking it all in the wrong way maybe he meant that after 4 failed relationships when he finally got with me he wanted to focus on building a relationship before getting physical?

 

Background: due to religious and cultural upbringing I always had the idea that I would only kiss the man I marry. Me and my bf were bestfriends before we started dating so he already knew this. But after a year into the relationship he promised me he'll marry me and had tears in his eyes

.. I believed him and we kissed. I believe we will marry some day as we love each other so much and im his longest relationship (4 years).

 

I really don't want to lose him I love him too much. How do I cope ?

 

P.S please no comments saying 'grow up' or 'get over it' - if you've never experienced OCD you don't know how tormenting it can be and it's not a matter of maturity. Thanks.

 

Is your OCD self-diagnosed or a professional "label" and OCD and jealousy have nothing to do with each other. I'd say that OCD is not a correct diagnosis for your "condition" or that you have co-morbid "conditions".

 

If OCD is a "label" assigned by a professional and has been identified and explained to you, you are now responsible for managing and identifying that it is affecting your life in a negative way. In other words, up until the point where an "issue" has been identified and acknowledged by you and/or a professional, it can no longer be used as an "excuse".

 

You yourself have identified that the jealousy is irrational . . . which means you have the ability to be rational.

 

You are, however, overlooking the big picture with this man . . . it's been 4 years and you want and hope to marry this man. Is this man showing you everyday, in every way, that he loves you? Does he make you feel loved and appreciated, important, etc? Really think about that. Are there real and present reasons for you to feel that he is not focused on you?

 

Until you get a grip on the here and now, that dream will be a pipe dream. If you have not been in counseling, you need to do it now while you are in the frame of mind where you are acknowledging that you have somethings that need to be addressed seriously and with dedication. If you are in therapy, stick with it. You should be addressing these concerns with your therapist.

[Buddhist]

First of all that article you read was total BS. I've had 4 relationships and none of them were more exciting than any other. So your OCD is over an untrue statement.

 

He's trying to reassure you but with your anxiety your brain will latch onto any comment and make it into something negative. That's the nature of anxiety. There is no reassurance in the world that will ever get rid of your OCD, the only way to overcome it is for you to seek treatment for it specific to OCD and give up expecting your partner to fix it for you.

 

That's it in a nutshell. OCD is the result of a poor neural pathway. Avoiding triggers for it is not treatment. There will always be something that will trigger your OCD. The only longterm solution is for you to realise you have a poor neural pathway and seek treatment for that.

[Rafiki]

Thank you all for your comments. Yes it has been diagnosed by a professional who recommended therapy but it didn't really help me. I'm okay for a while until the next trigger comes along. I will book counselling and see where that takes me. I've been reading up on this and found that retroactive jealousy is a form of OCD too, I wish it wasn't. I've turned from a girl who never gave a crap about my boyfriend's past to a girl who is tortured by it every second of the day and it's killing me. Yes he does treat me well and loves me so much, he tells me he has never felt this way about anyone before but I feel that its not fair on him to keep reassuring me. like someone pointed out above, it will be very difficult to have a happy marriage with my OCD. I've thought about leaving him. He deserves better and maybe I should just stay single for the rest of my life because whoever I marry will have to put up with my OCD struggle and it won't be fair on them either.

[basil67]

Are you taking medication for your OCD? As the OCD is severe enough to be impacting your life, then perhaps you really ought to be doing meds along with counselling.

[Redhead14]

Thank you all for your comments. Yes it has been diagnosed by a professional who recommended therapy but it didn't really help me. I'm okay for a while until the next trigger comes along. I will book counselling and see where that takes me. I've been reading up on this and found that retroactive jealousy is a form of OCD too, I wish it wasn't. I've turned from a girl who never gave a crap about my boyfriend's past to a girl who is tortured by it every second of the day and it's killing me. Yes he does treat me well and loves me so much, he tells me he has never felt this way about anyone before but I feel that its not fair on him to keep reassuring me. like someone pointed out above, it will be very difficult to have a happy marriage with my OCD. I've thought about leaving him. He deserves better and maybe I should just stay single for the rest of my life because whoever I marry will have to put up with my OCD struggle and it won't be fair on them either.

 

You are well aware of triggers. You need to learn grounding techniques and self-soothing skills. You would likely benefit from CBT - Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and DBT - Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. More focused and direct programs that will give you actual "tools" for managing the condition.

 

Most clients decide that they are not getting benefit from therapy because they have unrealistic expectations and looking for immediate gratification and relief. It is a long process that needs dedication by the client. Most clients are resistant and more or less a little lazy. It's easier to remain in that uncomfortable state because it's actually comfortable, what they are used to and so they resist change. In addition, they fail to get real with the counselor and talk about their history and delve very deeply into all that. The root cause of the person's OCD doesn't get fully addressed, explored, processed and accepted.

 

In the end, it just comes down to getting RESOLVED and dedicated to actively doing the work, using the tools and simply talking as much as possible with a counselor. With counseling combined with appropriate anti-anxiety medication, a client can manage better.

 

You would also likely benefit from finding something you have a passion for -- a hobby, a club, etc. Something that distracts you from all those internal negative thoughts and emotions and giving your mind a break . . . Negative internal talk gets fueled and just becomes a loop running in the mind. You need to find something to interrupt, break the loop at least once in while.

 

retroactive jealousy is a form of OCD -- One can go on the internet and find information that they think supports what they think is wrong. If you've found information that identifies retroactive jealousy as an accepted DSM diagnosis, you've found a site that is full of crap.

 

Forget about the labels!

 

OCD is about fear. Fear of everything, anything sometimes. Fear needs to be faced. Fear does not control me, I face it so as to control it . . .