My ex girlfriend blames me for her rape and resents me for how I reacted

[UndeadSavage1994]

Hello everyone. My now ex girlfriend, who I was with for 13 months has been a victim of sexual assault, more than once throughout her life. She rarely, and I mean rarely ever wants to have sex and so I kind of got upset and told her I don't think it's right to categorize me as the rest of them. I didn't try to make her feel guilty and even told her that when I spoke but she doesn't believe me. Now she wants to break up saying I'm an ******* who is pressuring her even though that's not what in doing at all and this is after planning to get married and have kids someday...I feel like a jerk but she STILL wants to do it and initiates it herself sometimes and claims it isn't guilt so it's just confusing why she doesn't just withhold sex until she can recover which is what I suggested. She has threatened to have sex with other guys, has told me her ex is more attractive than I am, and has threatened to leave me over quite a few arguments so it just makes me feel very insecure due to the verbal assaults and a seldom sex life..She was raped about 8 months ago after she got into a strangers car after running away from my house late at night when we were arguing. When she got back, she immediately blamed me and started screaming about how it was all my fault. I tried consoling her but she kept trying to make me feel guilty for what happened to her and I kind of defended myself telling her I didn't make her run off and get into a strangers car, that was her doing. I've done my best to comfort her but she still resents me for not putting my emotions aside and taking the blame while comforting her... The truth is that I still love her very much and I really wanna go to counseling with her but she's very adamant about proving to herself that she doesn't have to depend on any man right now, just like her mother did when her father abandoned their family at a young age. The last time we spoke, I tried persuading her to go to couples counseling with me but apparently that made things worse and made her more defensive.. I am going on day 3 of no contact and it is very hard. It's even more complicated because she left a lot of her stuff at my house and refuses to come and get it. I know what her schedule's like so I know she isn't that busy. I feel like she either wants to let some of her emotions die before she gets them and sees me or wants to leave her foot in the door incase she changes her mind or wants to contact me. I just don't know what to think right now because I love this girl with all my heart but she seems to resent me for the rape incident. What do you guys think? If she really wanted to cut all ties and never see me again, don't you think she would've gotten her stuff when she left? Was I in the right for how I reacted to the rape? I tried being comforting but it's hard when someone blames you and screams at you the entire time for it. Should I wait for her to contact me for her belongings? Do you think there is any chance at us reconciling and possibly getting back together? Should I just stay no contact? Please help me you guys...I'm desperate..

[preraph]

Well, you are right that she isn't taking responsibility for her own actions. Until she does, she is not going to make anyone a good wife, I'm afraid. I think you should stand firm that unless she agrees to counseling (yes, go with her -- she's more likely to go that way and not just say she is), then you are broken up. Give her that choice again. Then mail her crap back to her and go no contact.

 

She is in no way ready to be a wife or partner or have kids.

 

I will say on her behalf that once a woman is victimized, as she has been her entire life, it sounds like, yes, they will blame the entire male population. But again, this is why she needs to sort things out in counseling and understand how she sets herself up.

 

Don't just keep enabling her. She isn't ready to be in any type of responsible relationship.

[ZayKayWill]

Jesus ****ing Christ. If I was you I would drop this woman immediately. She seems very emotionally unstable and feels the need to berate you and say things like her ex is more attractive than you? That would be an IMMEDIATE deal breaker for me. Not even sure how or why this would be your fault in any way? You were being honest and upfront with her...because it's true it really isn't fair that she would act like you're just like all the other guys who raped her or treated her that way or whatever...doesn't sound pushy to me, just sounds honest and upfront. She may not like hearing it but that's her problem. The truth is the truth. Sounds to me like she has trouble taking responsibility for her own actions. I would drop her if I were you. She doesn't sound very nice or very mature for that manner. You really want to try to pursue her and maintain a relationship with this girl?

 

I mean...I guess Ill level with you. When you really do care about someone sometimes what they say and do can be unconditional and you'll let it slide and excuse it to, "Oh she was just hurt and being emotional" but I think you can do better than that. It's your choice what you wanna do with this advice in the end....I wish you all the best.

[seren]

You sound like a kind and understanding man, your girlfriend sounds like she is trying to block out her emotions, people who have been raped are in a state of shock for a long while afterwards. I imagine she blames herself for getting into that car and she turns that anger toward you because twisted logic says if you both hadn't had an argument she wouldn't have been in that place, wouldn't have got in that car and wouldn't have been raped. No it isn't rational and no it isn't fair to you. But it is her mindset. Rape never leaves a person, it remains, always and it is a terrible thing to live with, always.

 

Deep down she will know she isn't being fair to you, I am sure deep down she wants to reach out to you and at times, maybe when she initiates intimacy, she is reaching out to you, but then the 'victim' head will take over and she will pull away. I don't know if she loves you or wants to be with you, but I do know that very often, when we are at our lowest, we hurt those we love the most because we know they have our back. It isn't fair, but it is how things often play out.

 

You can either walk away, maybe asking her to come find you when she feels able to and if she wants to, or you can wait until looks to you to help her on a very long and painful journey. I told my H about my being raped over 25 years of it happening, he was the only person I had told, I am sharing this with you and LS because I want you to know that I am speaking from a place of understanding. Talking about it makes it real, it makes it fresh in the person's mind (not for me now, I am a volunteer rape counsellor after being a professional for many years), very often survivors lash out, push those they care about, it is a defence mechanism. A sort of, if I do this, then they will go and they will make me feel not good enough which is what most people who have been raped feel about themselves.

 

I didn't have counselling or support all those years ago, I wish I had. I hope she does get counselling, if not, then she will have a very long journey before she can begin to heal. I will say she is lucky to have you, you sound like an understanding person who just wants to help, until she looks for help, she is unlikely to reach out and it could be a long time, tomorrow or never that she can disassociate the argument from the event. I am sorry for her hurt and for yours. No, she probably is't thinking rationally, how could she? I hope it works out for both of you. x

[preraph]

Realize she had terrible modeling for a father and that that is what she learned to cope with and what is familiar with her. But she's blind to her own psychological makeup and just needs a lot of therapy.

[Friskyone4u]

OP,

 

She needs a sex therapist or IC for sure, but inderstand this. I am not a shrink but women who have bee sexually abused in many cases use sex to control men because they can get the feeling of power which was taken away from them by the abuse.

 

That is what her spewing about being with other guys is all about. And do not think she will not act on it because any woman that hops into a car impulsively with a stranger because she is pissed at her boyfriend is missing something upstairs.

 

You really leave her as your ex because this is not going to heal itself for a real long time and when she gets pissed at you and the blaiming kicks in the fix will be other men to show herself she is in control.

 

Get out now and stay out.

[Springsummer]

And do not think she will not act on it because any woman that hops into a car impulsively with a stranger because she is pissed at her boyfriend is missing something upstairs.

.

 

 

I really couldn't understand this either. Maybe she thought a stranger could give her a free ride home and/or emotional consolation?

Edited October 15, 2016 by Springsummer

[Gloria25]

Gosh, she sounds like my 42yr old FWB's ex wife (whom he divorced after meeting me).

 

Look, according to him, she was sexually victimized as a kid and her father was a drunk. All she did was use my FWB as a punching bag for her anger at the male species. He alleges that she'd turn him down for sex, say she had a UTI, but wouldn't go to the doctor to get treatment for it. She didn't wanna do counseling.

 

Some women who were sexually assaulted get therapy and get better. Believe it or not, some don't and some DON'T WANT TO GET BETTER. They want to hold on to it. That sounds like the OP's ex gf.

 

Maybe you could get some counseling too...to see why you are so invested in a broken woman. My 42yr old FWB, he seemed like the "fixer" type. He thought his ex wife was "sick" and with his tender love, could be cured. Sorry, regardless of the bad things that may have happened to some people, some come out of it as bad people themselves and instead of getting better, they wanna become the victimizers/abusers.

[spiderowl]

It is terrible what happened to her but it is not your fault. She should not be trying to make you feel guilty. She is obviously struggling to come to terms with this at the moment and I don't feel that it is something she can handle on her own. Your idea of counselling is the best and my feeling is that if you love her and want to stay with her, despite all the difficulties that will entail, then you need to make it a condition of continuing the relationship.

 

I think you are taking on a lot as she is basically projecting all her anger and mixed-up feelings onto you rather than the guy who committed this crime. It is not fair on you.

 

I would be gentle but clear about counselling being a necessity to help deal with trauma and see how you can both help each other. If she does not stop blaming you in the long run though, then it would be a bad idea to stay with her because you will just be blamed for everything that is wrong in her world.

 

Good luck.

[joseb]

She is a train wreck, sorry.

Threatening to have sex with other guys? That alone would be enough for me to walk away.

 

Did you go to hospital with her after the rape, did she file charges?

 

She needs therapy, and that's not your job.

 

Staying is this one is going to cost you a lot.

Time to move on for your own mental health.

Edited October 15, 2016 by joseb