Sudden Breakup - now 6 weeks on.

[Bluecarrots47]

I will try to keep this as short as possible.

 

6 weeks ago I returned home from holiday with my now ex girlfriend. We had a great holiday together and all seemed very normal. She left my house the day we returned home, saying she would return later that evening. We had been seeing each other virtually every evening over our 2 year relationship, and she stayed at my house several nights during the week.

 

After leaving quite a few hours earlier I messaged her to ask whet time she was coming back over. All texts went unanswered. Eventually I got a text at 10pm saying she had fallen asleep and her phone was on silent. She said she wasn’t feeling well. I immediately phoned to see of she was ok. Her phone repeatedly went straight to answer phone. I messaged to say I hope she was ok. The next day at lunchtime I got a text saying her phone had lost all reception and she had only just now got it working again by switching it off and on again. I then tried calling her but no answer.

 

Later that evening around 7pm I messaged to ask what time she was coming over to my house. This went unanswered. In the meantime I sent her a couple of funny texts/photos and she replied with lol etc to these. Further texts enquiring what time she was coming over went ignored though. As the evening went on it became obvious she wasn’t coming to see me which was very unusual.

 

The following day my dad was rushed into hospital very seriously ill. I messaged her from the hospital later that day to let her know, but no reply came. Any messages and calls to her phone thereafter went unanswered. Two days later and my dad was still very seriously ill in hospital. I sent her a message with an urgency in its context, saying what ever was up with her (and it was obvious at this stage something wasn’t right), to please rise above it and that I really needed her support with my dad being so very ill. This went unanswered. At best I was getting a few hours broken sleep in a hospital chair at this stage.

 

Fast forward to the start of the following week, and I went to her apartment and knocked the door. When she opened the door she clearly indicated she didn’t want me to come in. I asked what was up, and she said a lot was up, and she was going to sit down with a coffee and send me a message. Two hours later I got a very long text from her basically saying our relationship was over. Reasons being “we were never right together from the start.”

 

I tried calling her but no answer. I texted and was getting only lip service answers in ultra brief replies from her. I had so, so many questions.

 

The following day she blocked me off completely. Blocked on her phone, Facebook and all social media.

 

I decided to leave it for a few days and then I sent her a bouquet of flowers, hand delivered with a nice card asking her to please get in touch with me. I heard nothing from her. I was at a complete loss to know what was happening, or what had happened to cause this.

 

The following week I sent her 12 red roses, again with a nice card, and this time with a hand written letter explaining how I feel, how much I’m missing her, and again appealing for her to get in touch with me. Again I heard nothing back from her.

 

I know in breakup terms I was committing the biggest mistake here by chasing after her, but I couldn’t help myself, and I was at a complete loss to know why this was happening.

 

During our two year relationship I have been so kind and caring to her. I cooked her dinner most evenings for her coming home from work. Last Christmas I bought her gifts way beyond what I could actually afford, but I always told her that I wanted nothing but the best I could for her. She moved into her apartment a few months back and I bought her furniture for her room, TV etc. Her car got accidentally damaged and I took care of getting it fixed for her. I even gave her money for nights out with her friends because she wanted to go out and couldn’t afford it.

 

Last November she disappeared in a very similar way to what she has done this time too. Back then too, several days into weeks went by and I heard nothing from her. Again, just like now, after many attempts to contact her she blocked me from her phone. Eventually after 4 weeks I got a text from her. Nothing pleasant or of any significance, but at least I knew she had unblocked me from her phone. We exchanged a few texts and I got her to agree to allow me to take her to dinner.

 

As Christmas approached I asked her many times where and why she had gone, but no reason was given. She always said she didn’t want to talk about it. On 4 occasions over a few weeks I asked her to look me straight in the eyes and promise she wasn’t seeing anyone else. On each occasion she did just that and looked me in the eyes and promised sincerely she hadn’t been seeing anyone.

 

Eventually one Sunday evening coming close to Christmas I got a Facebook message saying she wanted to tell me the truth. The truth being she had been with a new guy for 3 weeks. She said in her message that she accepted she would probably never see me again. I got straight into my car and went to her house, When she opened the door I threw my arms around her and told her two things. That I loved her, and thanks for being truthful with me about it. My next question was one which I didn’t really want the answer to but I had to ask – was she ‘intimate’ with him. The dreaded answer was yes. I was torn apart inside!

 

Back to here and now and its been 6 weeks since we returned home from holiday and what was effectively the end of the relationship. I have asked via a friend and been assured that she isn’t seeing someone else. Apparently she is single and quite miserably so. Apparently she has been making posts on Facebook about being single and posting sad breakup songs.

 

She has made it very clear to me that she wants nothing to do with me. I am at a complete loss to know why. I couldn’t have made it any clearer to her how I feel about her. It’s now been 6 weeks, and I just know there would be no point in trying to get in touch, even if I could, which I cant because she has blocked all contact to her phone from me.

 

During our relationship of two years she was always extremely moody, even by her own admission. I often felt like I was walking on eggshells around her. However she told me many times she loved me, as did I to her. I think an important point also is that her ex boyfriend (before me) dumped her. She was deeply in love with him and they had planned to get married. She always told me he treated her like rubbish, but she still came back for more from him. He left her for another girl and she was heartbroken.

 

Now its me who’s completely heartbroken. I miss her terribly and see no prospect of her getting in touch, or even allowing me to get in touch with her. She was so final about it all and stated she wouldn’t be changing her mind, that it was over for good.

 

Why after 6 weeks do I still have a hole that I cant fill? She lives just half a mile from me and I have to drive past her apartment many times a day, going to work, in and out of town etc. and each time it just makes it all so raw with me

[Satu]

Six weeks is nothing when it comes to recovering from a breakup.

 

On the emotional level, its yesterday.

 

The best thing you can do, is to accept that she doesn't want to have any contact with you, and move on from that point.

 

 

Here's a checklist for you:

 

 

Are you eating healthily?

 

Are you drinking enough water?

 

Are you getting enough rest?

 

Are you exercising?

 

Are you spending time with other people, family and friends?

 

Are you getting out of the house enough?

 

Are you avoiding drugs and alcohol?

 

If you take any prescription medications, are you taking them as prescribed?

 

Are you doing some fun stuff, just for enjoyment?

 

Are you keeping up with your responsibilities?

 

Your highest priority should now be taking care of yourself:

 

Physically

 

Mentally

 

Emotionally

 

Everything else is of lesser importance.

 

You'll be ok.

 

 

Take care.

[Downtown]

During our relationship of two years she was always extremely moody, even by her own admission. I often felt like I was walking on eggshells around her.

Blue, the world's most popular and best selling mental health book is titled Stop Walking on Eggshells. It is targeted to the abused partners of BPDers, i.e., people exhibiting strong and persistent traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder).

 

I bring this to your attention because BPDers are "extremely moody" -- as you say -- and those moods are event-triggered. That is, the mood changes are quickly triggered by some minor thing you do or say. The result is that the abused partners often complain that they have to walk on eggshells around the BPDer to avoid triggering another hissy fit or pointless argument.

 

Importantly, I'm not suggesting your exGF has full-blown BPD but, rather, that she might exhibit moderate to strong traits of it. I also caution that BPD is not something -- like chickenpox -- that a person either "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, it is a spectrum disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your exGF exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do.

 

Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met her, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are not difficult to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as icy withdrawal, rapid mood flips, lack of impulse control, and fear of abandonment (e.g., irrational jealousy).

 

Consequently, it may be worth your while to take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs to see if most sound very familiar. If so, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to join Satu and other respondents in discussing them with you.

 

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your exGF's issues. Yet, like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., avoid taking her back or avoid running into the arms of another woman who is just like her. Take care, Blue.

Edited October 14, 2016 by Downtown

[Bialy]

In some ways, it sounds like she used you and your relationship together to get over her ex. She's had two years of a rebound relationship with you -- used you as a distraction and went with the motions even though her heart wasn't completely invested.

[LurkerXX]

I am sorry that she tried to just slide out of the relationship with saying nothing. But it does sound like a user, someone who strung you along. Try to stay strong and move on so you can get the opportunity to meet someone who will appreciate you and give back. If she did take you back, she will likely keep looking for another guy, and will pull the same crap again.

[Redhead14]

I will try to keep this as short as possible.

 

6 weeks ago I returned home from holiday with my now ex girlfriend. We had a great holiday together and all seemed very normal. She left my house the day we returned home, saying she would return later that evening. We had been seeing each other virtually every evening over our 2 year relationship, and she stayed at my house several nights during the week.

 

After leaving quite a few hours earlier I messaged her to ask whet time she was coming back over. All texts went unanswered. Eventually I got a text at 10pm saying she had fallen asleep and her phone was on silent. She said she wasn’t feeling well. I immediately phoned to see of she was ok. Her phone repeatedly went straight to answer phone. I messaged to say I hope she was ok. The next day at lunchtime I got a text saying her phone had lost all reception and she had only just now got it working again by switching it off and on again. I then tried calling her but no answer.

 

Later that evening around 7pm I messaged to ask what time she was coming over to my house. This went unanswered. In the meantime I sent her a couple of funny texts/photos and she replied with lol etc to these. Further texts enquiring what time she was coming over went ignored though. As the evening went on it became obvious she wasn’t coming to see me which was very unusual.

 

The following day my dad was rushed into hospital very seriously ill. I messaged her from the hospital later that day to let her know, but no reply came. Any messages and calls to her phone thereafter went unanswered. Two days later and my dad was still very seriously ill in hospital. I sent her a message with an urgency in its context, saying what ever was up with her (and it was obvious at this stage something wasn’t right), to please rise above it and that I really needed her support with my dad being so very ill. This went unanswered. At best I was getting a few hours broken sleep in a hospital chair at this stage.

 

Fast forward to the start of the following week, and I went to her apartment and knocked the door. When she opened the door she clearly indicated she didn’t want me to come in. I asked what was up, and she said a lot was up, and she was going to sit down with a coffee and send me a message. Two hours later I got a very long text from her basically saying our relationship was over. Reasons being “we were never right together from the start.”

 

I tried calling her but no answer. I texted and was getting only lip service answers in ultra brief replies from her. I had so, so many questions.

 

The following day she blocked me off completely. Blocked on her phone, Facebook and all social media.

 

I decided to leave it for a few days and then I sent her a bouquet of flowers, hand delivered with a nice card asking her to please get in touch with me. I heard nothing from her. I was at a complete loss to know what was happening, or what had happened to cause this.

 

The following week I sent her 12 red roses, again with a nice card, and this time with a hand written letter explaining how I feel, how much I’m missing her, and again appealing for her to get in touch with me. Again I heard nothing back from her.

 

I know in breakup terms I was committing the biggest mistake here by chasing after her, but I couldn’t help myself, and I was at a complete loss to know why this was happening.

 

During our two year relationship I have been so kind and caring to her. I cooked her dinner most evenings for her coming home from work. Last Christmas I bought her gifts way beyond what I could actually afford, but I always told her that I wanted nothing but the best I could for her. She moved into her apartment a few months back and I bought her furniture for her room, TV etc. Her car got accidentally damaged and I took care of getting it fixed for her. I even gave her money for nights out with her friends because she wanted to go out and couldn’t afford it.

 

Last November she disappeared in a very similar way to what she has done this time too. Back then too, several days into weeks went by and I heard nothing from her. Again, just like now, after many attempts to contact her she blocked me from her phone. Eventually after 4 weeks I got a text from her. Nothing pleasant or of any significance, but at least I knew she had unblocked me from her phone. We exchanged a few texts and I got her to agree to allow me to take her to dinner.

 

As Christmas approached I asked her many times where and why she had gone, but no reason was given. She always said she didn’t want to talk about it. On 4 occasions over a few weeks I asked her to look me straight in the eyes and promise she wasn’t seeing anyone else. On each occasion she did just that and looked me in the eyes and promised sincerely she hadn’t been seeing anyone.

 

Eventually one Sunday evening coming close to Christmas I got a Facebook message saying she wanted to tell me the truth. The truth being she had been with a new guy for 3 weeks. She said in her message that she accepted she would probably never see me again. I got straight into my car and went to her house, When she opened the door I threw my arms around her and told her two things. That I loved her, and thanks for being truthful with me about it. My next question was one which I didn’t really want the answer to but I had to ask – was she ‘intimate’ with him. The dreaded answer was yes. I was torn apart inside!

 

Back to here and now and its been 6 weeks since we returned home from holiday and what was effectively the end of the relationship. I have asked via a friend and been assured that she isn’t seeing someone else. Apparently she is single and quite miserably so. Apparently she has been making posts on Facebook about being single and posting sad breakup songs.

 

She has made it very clear to me that she wants nothing to do with me. I am at a complete loss to know why. I couldn’t have made it any clearer to her how I feel about her. It’s now been 6 weeks, and I just know there would be no point in trying to get in touch, even if I could, which I cant because she has blocked all contact to her phone from me.

 

During our relationship of two years she was always extremely moody, even by her own admission. I often felt like I was walking on eggshells around her. However she told me many times she loved me, as did I to her. I think an important point also is that her ex boyfriend (before me) dumped her. She was deeply in love with him and they had planned to get married. She always told me he treated her like rubbish, but she still came back for more from him. He left her for another girl and she was heartbroken.

 

Now its me who’s completely heartbroken. I miss her terribly and see no prospect of her getting in touch, or even allowing me to get in touch with her. She was so final about it all and stated she wouldn’t be changing her mind, that it was over for good.

 

Why after 6 weeks do I still have a hole that I cant fill? She lives just half a mile from me and I have to drive past her apartment many times a day, going to work, in and out of town etc. and each time it just makes it all so raw with me

 

During our relationship of two years she was always extremely moody. I often felt like I was walking on eggshells around her. -- Everything before and after these statements is moot. The truth is that nothing has changed. You've just been ignoring/denying.

 

Take a different route to work or any where you go.

[Fatty23]

In some ways, it sounds like she used you and your relationship together to get over her ex. She's had two years of a rebound relationship with you -- used you as a distraction and went with the motions even though her heart wasn't completely invested.

 

 

I highly doubt that! Rebound relationships don't last two years. I think OP was only mentioning that she had some baggage from a previous relationship not that she was still in love with her ex. I was in love with guys I kept going back to despite all the hurt they caused me. It was because I had low self-esteem. When I gained self love and met my last bf it was like they never existed. Even though I at one point thought I loved them.

 

It sounds like she has serious mental issues. People don't normally act like that. Sadly, the more we beg for them back the further away we push them. Go the no contact route for your own sake. And if she does come back, encourage her to seek counseling. Also think about whether or not you want to be in a relationship with someone so unstable like that. It's not healthy.

 

I feel your pain about the breakup though. I'm about the same time out from my break up. And I'm feeling very hopeless about any reconciliation. One second I'm crying the next I'm ok. But I have to remind myself that I'm better than where I started. And I'll continue to get stronger and one day it'll all be passed me whether or not we're back together. Don't forget to remind yourself of how far you've come. And remember it's ok to take baby steps. Work on your time and no one else's. Good luck!

[Bluecarrots47]

Hi everyone and first off, thanks so much for taking time to comment. It’s genuinely heartwarming.

 

Satu, thank you for your advice. I must admit in the first few weeks I struggled big time and was a complete wreck. I wasn't eating or sleeping. It was totally consuming me. While I’m eating and sleeping better now, I have to admit it’s still consuming me to a fairly high degree. There’s something else I didn't mention in my original message because I wanted to keep it as short as possible, and I’ll mention it now below*.

 

Downtown, I think you are spot on with your advice. While our relationship lasted for two years, and on the whole was a deeply loving relationship, it wast without several hiccups along the way. She would become moody for no apparent reason, and her way of dealing with anything like this was simply to take herself off and cut herself off from me for several days at a time. In fact the first I would actually know something was up with her was when she had taken herself off. There was no warning of this. It always happened out of the blue. Hissy fits and pointless arguments certainly ring true. As one example a few months back, I got a random text from her saying she was going to lock herself in her room and never come out. There was just no knowing when the next disappearing act was coming, but I always knew deep down it was only a matter of time because they kept repeating themselves every now and then. My catchphrase for our relationship was always that there just never seemed to be any security in it. As often as I could I tried my best to sit down with her to try to talk about this, but she wasn't really interested. One thing I stressed many times was this disappearing off business. I urged her to simply talk to me about any concerns she had, instead of this ‘the relationship is over’ attitude all the time and disappearing was her way of letting me know that. I should say we had talked and planned many times that we would be getting married and starting a family.

 

I had never thought of it as an abusive relationship, but now that makes a lot of sense to me. As one example, just after she texted me saying the relationship was over 5 weeks ago, I managed to engage her in a few brief text exchanges as I mentioned in my original post. Before she blocked me she said in one text, “if you don't be careful I will never speak to you again”. There is absolutely no doubt that she controlled the relationship. I was aware of this and often tried to balance some power back to me but she played hardball and I got nowhere with that. Interestingly on one occasion when she done a disappearing act, I said to myself I’m not going to contact her, and I didn’t. Within 3 days I got a text from her asking if I was ok. She then went on to say she knows how I felt every time she would do that to me and it wasn't a nice feeling.

 

Her timing on this was terrible. There’s never a good time to hear a relationship is over, but to end it immediately on returning home from a holiday was hard to take. Its like dumping someone on Christmas Eve. I had paid for the holiday at a cost of £2500 but this seemed to make no difference with her.

 

*I suffer very badly from anxiety and panic attacks. Most of the time I’m completely fine with it and it never manifests itself while we’re together. However when she leaves it triggers my anxiety to the point where I take panic attacks. Panic attics strike when she blocks me off completely (from her phone for example). I feel completely trapped and hopeless in those situations. It spirals downward very quickly. The more I cant get in touch with her the more anxious I become, leading to trying to get hold of her all the more. These lead to full panic attacks. It’s an awful feeling.

 

Importantly she knows all this. I sat down with her on a few occasions and tried to ‘educate’ her about my anxiety and more importantly, its triggers for me i.e. her leaving and blocking me off completely. Each time she apologised and promised she would never put me through that again.

This time, despite her knowing exactly how I suffer in these situations she still proceeded to do it, to block me off completely.

 

Unfortunately I’m on my own. I’m at that stage of life where friends have all gone off years back and married, started their own families etc. I really have very few options regarding discussing this with anyone.

 

From an overall point of view I think it’s a very sad and frustrating situation. She has this really hard as steel exterior. In fact its a bit of a running joke in a fun way among her work mates that she constantly portrays this outward hard as nails exterior. Having been in a relationship with her for two years though I know she’s not cold and heartless. In fact I still truly believe she cares a lot. I would be confident she’s sitting in her room every evening feeling very sad about this and crying. That would certainly be borne out by what her friend told me about her posting relationship quotes and sad breakup songs on her Facebook. I only wish she would open up and talk to me. That’s the so sad part.

 

It rips me apart to think of her in her room, alone, and feeling down and crying. Its those thoughts that make me be on an emotional rollercoaster at the minute. Sometimes I think I’m better off without her and just need to man up and rough it out and brighter days will come eventually, and then my heart sinks as I think of her sitting in her room, suffering too. I want nothing more than to put my arms around her and comfort her and reassure her everything will be ok. But she has cut me off and I cant do that. if only she would talk to me.

 

The other side of the coin to this is that she’s maybe seeking some sort of pity from her friends via Facebook. I had thought at one stage a few weeks back that she had been perhaps showing signs of narcissism.

 

Thank you all once again for taking time to comment on this.

[doyathinkso]

Naaaaah. I don't buy it.

 

She most likely had an orbiter on the side you weren't aware of. She kept in contact with him while on your trip and when she got back they had [a] reunion.

 

That's all.

 

Go find someone better.

Edited October 15, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Bialy]

A relationship that lacks security is sitting on quick sand and lacks a solid foundation.

 

Is she taking any medications? I definitely agree - it sounds like she has a mental imbalance.

 

I highly doubt that! Rebound relationships don't last two years.

I think you're right - with the extra info he provided, this doesn't sound like the case.

 

At the same time, you'd be surprised how many people rush into new relationships after a breakup to get over their exes - and stay longer in these relationships than they really should without addressing their underlying issues.

[Bluecarrots47]

I completely exhausted myself, both emotionally and financially on this girl. I loved her dearly, and still do.

 

She had this knack every single time she went off in a mood and disappeared, of putting the reason for it back on me.

 

As an example, for all the gifts I got for her out of true kindness and caring, including sending her flowers etc. she would say "she doesn't need my pity, and I dont need to buy her love."

 

Another reason she gave for the breakup was that I was always planning things. This is true, I did do that. This could be something simple like watching a movie we both wanted to see, to going out for dinner. A constant statement I got from her was that I was selfish. At first I couldnt believe how she could use the word selfish to describe me. Nothing could have been more inaccurate, but I was taking selfish in its literal meaning. I think what she meant was that I was somehow expecting her to spend time with me, enjoying doing things together.

 

I considered it to be completely normal for two people in love with each other to want to spend time together doing enjoyable things.

 

In a way I've reflected on it since we parted 6 weeks ago with the idea that I maybe killed her with kindness. Her ex (before me) treated her like rubbish and she chased after him time after time. Yet I treated her like a princess and I just seemed to get it all thrown back in my face. Perhaps there was no challenge in it anymore for her. I was too easy and predictable.

[Downtown]

Her timing on this was terrible.... to end it immediately on returning home from a holiday was hard to take.

Blue, that timing is to be expected if your exGF really is a BPDer (i.e., exhibits strong and persistent BPD behaviors). Generally, with a BPDer, the very WORST fights and breakups typically occur during -- or immediately after -- the very BEST of times. The reason is that BPDers have a great fear of engulfment, i.e., a suffocating feeling of being controlled.

 

This engulfment fear typically gets triggered right after a very intimate evening or in the middle of a great vacation or weekend. Although BPDers typically crave intimacy like nearly all other adults, they cannot handle it for very long. Due to their fragile egos and weak personal boundaries, they will start feeling like they are being dominated and controlled by their partners. It is a scary feeling of losing one's self inside the partner's strong personality.

 

Of course, her subconscious will protect her from this painful feeling by projecting it onto her partner (i.e., you). Hence, at a conscious level, the BPDer will be convinced the pain really is coming from YOU. She therefore will create a fight or breakup to push you away. This is why it is so common for rejected partners to come here to LoveShack asking how it is possible for someone to dump them one day -- or just a few hours -- after she had been professing her deep love, after she was planning on a future together, or at the end of a great vacation.

 

It's like dumping someone on Christmas Eve.

Yes, but she has already tried doing that to you too. As you said, "Close to Christmas I got a Facebook message saying she wanted to tell me the truth. The truth being she had been with a new guy for 3 weeks. She said in her message that she accepted she would probably never see me again."

 

Downtown, I think you are spot on with your advice.

Blue, I am glad to hear you found the information helpful. Yet, if your exGF really is a BPDer, her engulfment fear would also be accompanied by another great fear: that of abandonment. I mention this because you say nothing about this second fear. It likely would be manifested in the form of irrational jealousy.

 

My BPDer exW, for example, would get upset if I would exchange letters with an old childhood friend who is female. She also would also get upset if I looked at another woman for 1 second instead of a half-second. Because her abandonment fear distorted her perceptions of my intentions and motivations, she saw abandonment threats where they did not exist.

 

I therefore ask whether you saw any evidence of irrational jealousy or attempts to isolate you away from your friends and close family members? And did most of the behaviors on my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs sound very familiar to you?

[Frozensushi]

She would become moody for no apparent reason, and her way of dealing with anything like this was simply to take herself off and cut herself off from me for several days at a time.

 

As often as I could I tried my best to sit down with her to try to talk about this, but she wasn't really interested. One thing I stressed many times was this disappearing off business. I urged her to simply talk to me about any concerns she had, instead of this ‘the relationship is over’ attitude all the time and disappearing was her way of letting me know that.

 

This sounds exactly like my Ex.

• Constant Mood Swings
  
• Needing Space "going silent for several days"
  
• Not wanting to talk about issues that caused her going silent
  
• Every time there was an issue "the relationship is over"
  

 

I was in a constant state of "walking on Eggshells". My Ex could go from extremely loving to extremely upset with a flip of a switch. When this happened she'd send me home then went silent for weeks or broke up with me. This happened ALL THE TIME. Sound familiar?

 

We'd get back together and never discuss the problems. I stopped trying because it would always end up in an argument as my Ex never took responsibility for her part. There was no accountability because it would tarnish her already weak self-esteem and self-image. I ended up taking the blame every time because the pain caused by her ignoring me for weeks or breaking-up made me go into self-blaming mode (What could I have done different? Maybe she's right, this is my fault, Am I really a horrible person?,etc). By the time she came crawling back I was ready and willing to take full responsibility so of course there was no need to discuss the issues.

 

Near the end, my Ex strung me along for a good month. She went silent for about 4 weeks. When she resurfaced she got my hopes up then ended it 5 days later. She immediately started dating and galavanting around town.

 

I considered it to be completely normal for two people in love with each other to want to spend time together doing enjoyable things.

 

My Ex only wanted to do what she wanted to do. I was like a dog, waiting patiently for any scrap to be thrown my way. In a year dating my Ex, I can count on one hand how many real dates we had. The ball was always in her court. She dictated our time together.

 

We were at the zoo with her kid, and I said "Hey, we should come here by ourselves some time" she told me "What's the point?". It really hurt me, but if I had confronted her, she would have easily turned it around on me. A normal woman would have loved the idea that I wanted to spend time with her. We never spent much time alone, her child would always be involved. I constantly felt like I was just tagging along on some activity she'd be doing her kid.

 

Buying expensive gifts, going out of your way to do special things. Trying your hardest to garner goodwill. Nothing you did was ever good enough. Right? I went through this same thing and it was driving me mad. I realize now that my boundaries were non-existent. I let this happen, I let my Ex get away with this bad behavior. I was a codependent in a toxic relationship.

 

I'm not saying your Ex has BPD, but these traits are connected to the disorder. When Downtown told me that the 15 breakup/makeup cycles I went through in only a year was not uncommon in these situations, I couldn't believe it. It helped me greatly to know that I'm not the first guy to go through something like this.

[lemonade041289]

Reasons being “we were never right together from the start.”

 

Wow, that part hit me. She's trying to share the cause of the break up with you! She's trying to brainwash you to think that you both made a mistake for falling for each other. She's trying to deceitful to the person whom she is hurting so much.

 

No. It's her, not you. It's her who did not communicate whatever was not working out and left it to the point that she does not want to be with you.

[niji]

Last Christmas I bought her gifts way beyond what I could actually afford, but I always told her that I wanted nothing but the best I could for her

 

You sound like you try too hard to please her, all the time.

 

Why do you do this? Men may not feel the same way, and you probably never meant to be this way, but to me, a man trying to buy me an expensive gift beyond his means is either: 1) not very smart, or 2) patronizing.

 

If I want to be in a long-term relationship with someone, I expect that person to be able to do long-term planning. How are we gonna save money for our future and our kids (if any) if he keeps wasting it on expensive stuff? If I love expensive things so much, why should he be expected to buy them? I have two hands, two legs, and a brain. Females who like expensive stuff should be able to buy them themselves. If they can't afford them, then either work harder, or try something else. If she can't afford to go out, then stop going out. It's so simple.

 

I don't want to sound like a jerk, but it's the truth, and it's tough love: to me, a guy trying to buy expensive gifts all.the.time (especially outside of his means) is precisely trying to buy my love, and I'd start to think he has nothing else to offer other than his gifts. And then I'd take him for granted very soon. So don't do this, make people work as hard for your love just like you work for theirs. In a relationship two partners should put in equal effort. It's not a one-way street.