Unable to Talk to Men Unironically

[LikeMariella]

I just can't seem to talk to men in a serious manner. I think it's because I'm afraid of being perceived as a woman and then rejected, so I always try the friend approach right away. I'm generelly someone who laughs a lot and makes a lot of comments that people find funny, but with men I transform pretty much everything into a joke or make a funny comment. If a man makes a positive comment about my appearance, I'm uncomfortable, don't know how to deal with it, and either don’t say anything or give a quick smile and change the topic. But then, deep down, I do want men to notice me as a woman.

I’m 20 and I have a bad past with men, or boys rather, bullying me, excluding me and making it very clear that they thought I was ugly, roughly from age 8 to 15. When I was that age, I was chubby, tall, had glasses, braces, frizzy triangle hair and was the best student in all my classes, so, basically, I had nothing going for me.

I had pretty much only one male friend growing up, and that was safe because he was my brother’s friend first, so he would’ve never been mean to me – and now that I think of it, he kind of had a similar way of talking as I do now. For example, he would tell me one day when I was like 17 that I had blossomed into a flower or something like that, half-jokingly, half-seriously. The way he said it, and talked in general, made it impossible for me (and others, I think) to tell whether he meant these kinds of things seriously or not. Maybe I adopted this attitude from him because I saw that it worked.

Anyway, now I don’t know how to deal with men because, I guess, I am afraid of them. It’s easier for me to relax when I know they are in a happy relationship or when they’re drunk and I know they don’t mean half of what they say and will not remember much of our conversation anyway (I don't drink, so I don't know what I would do if I was drunk). Or when I don’t find the guy attractive at all, like, zero.

So, yeah, I used to be pretty ugly, but at 15 or 16 I began to lose weight, and today at 20 I am slim, have big brown eyes, my hair looks nice, yada yada. I wouldn’t say I’m “beautiful” – I pretty much have no boobs, a round nose and a long chin, but the overall picture is fine and I like myself, it's nothing like before. But in my head, I guess I’m still the ugly fat girl.

Does anyone have advice for me? I want to stop sabotaging every possible friendship or relationship. I've gone out with exactly one guy but we just didn't click, and I'm pretty sure he was intimidated by the exact attitude I described above.

Thank you for reading!

Edited October 14, 2016 by LikeMariella

[preraph]

Well, you've built up defenses. And it's not too late to take some of them down and give another way a chance. Because, yes, that will just confuse most men. Let me give you just some simple ways to begin to not do that all the time.

 

Limit how much you do it. Keep it to a minimum.

Start the easiest way, by just keeping quiet and smiling or laughing and letting him carry on whatever the conversation is with just little interjections to show you're listening "Um-mm, oh, really?"

 

Be sure you're not dressing like one of the boys. Wear feminine clothing. This doesn't mean you have to dress like a priss, but at least wear a fitted v-neck top and fitted skirt or pants, nothing baggy. Uncover some skin, but just one part at a time, shoulders with an off-the-shoulder top, an above-the-knee skirt, v-neck fitted knit top. Wear at least a splash of color somewhere. Your shoes, a scarf, whatever. Men like the feminine colors and women who wear what they cannot. They celebrate the difference.

 

Every school teacher knows if you dress extra nice, you'll act extra nice and be on your best behavior. So try really dressing up some and see if that doesn't make you behave better!

 

Ask him more questions and don't scoff when he answers. Everyone loves to be interviewed because it feels like someone is genuinely interested in getting to know them.

 

Laugh, but don't make everything into a joke. Don't make put-down comments. No one likes that. Don't bust him unless he really deserves it or it will have no meaning when he does need it.

 

Smile a lot and make some eye contact.

 

Say please and thank you.

 

The goal is just to put some silences in there for him to talk and for you to listen, and also to just take off any rough edges you've gotten in the habit of. Act like a lady. Good luck.