merrmeade Posted October 14, 2016 Posted October 14, 2016 I don't think the OP was trying to be arrogant. No, I don't think she was trying to be either. I do think actions suggest arrogance even if people don't have the objectivity to realize it. I suggested that she feels some satisfaction at having done the right thing. How far that goes doesn't really matter and there's a lot that a WS doesn't realize. I should also have the humility to admit that I have no patience in this area and many other people do a great job at gradually working with someone to develop awareness. She doesn't realize a lot of things and will only do so incrementally. I bow to others who have the patience to walk it along more effectively and hope I haven't scared OP off! 6
Friskyone4u Posted October 14, 2016 Posted October 14, 2016 OP, Let's assume your intentions are good and you have no intention on resuming this affair. Your ex boyfriend here just broke one of the cardinal rules and that is he contacted you again and discussed his SEX life. Why is that any of your business at this point????? men stop affairs when they understand and believe that there is absolutely no possibility of NO MORE SEX . And two months out after a four year affair there is no way he believes you will not cave again. my guess is right now his wife is doing what is called "hysterical bonding" and jumping his bones every chance she gets. That stops at some point and you can count on him "fishing' again, especially if his wfie knows he contacted you and he had no real consequences. As Elaine said, she is doing probably the female version of the "pick me game". You can expect more breaks in contact and to be tested. Hopr your resolve stays strong so that you can find an eligible straight man to have a relationship with. 2
wmacbride Posted October 14, 2016 Posted October 14, 2016 (edited) I appreciate your post and that you are trying to give hope to those who are reconciling ( this is a nice thing for you to have done, by the way:)). This being said, I do hope you never have any more contact with him, for both of your sakes. I expect it's been painful for you, but I hope you can move on to find a lot of happiness sin your life. Also, it's kind of, well, "icky"-for lack of a better word, that he continued to discuss his sex life with his wife with you, his former ow. Edited October 14, 2016 by wmacbride 7
MidnightBlue1980 Posted October 15, 2016 Posted October 15, 2016 No, I don't think she was trying to be either. I do think actions suggest arrogance even if people don't have the objectivity to realize it. I suggested that she feels some satisfaction at having done the right thing. How far that goes doesn't really matter and there's a lot that a WS doesn't realize. I should also have the humility to admit that I have no patience in this area and many other people do a great job at gradually working with someone to develop awareness. She doesn't realize a lot of things and will only do so incrementally. I bow to others who have the patience to walk it along more effectively and hope I haven't scared OP off! She is actually pretty destroyed and I can only imagine that email from her xmm was like a knife through butter. She posts on the other board. I don't know why she posted here, she is going through a lot emotionally. Her x should just leave her alone and tend to his wife. 2
Chica80 Posted October 15, 2016 Posted October 15, 2016 Hurtgirl do you really believe any of this BS?? And yes I mean the crap he is spewing out? I get wanting him to be in a happy marriage. If you truly love someone you want the best for them. I've gone through these emotions w MM. But you had a 4 year A. Is that right? His wife is now giving him everything he wants. So either: She is still in denial and is very much in the pick me mode, look who loves you most salvage everything. A rug sweeper who is just going to sweep it under and pretend everything is ok and everyone plays there mutual roles. Or she wrote you that email herself, to throw you off and scare you away. I'm sorry I don't buy it... I think its a bunch of nonsense. Do I think people can reconcile? Yes. And I hope for their sake, esp if there is love and children it can work. But people do really strange things after a traumatic situation. Dont' be surprised if he contacts you again. After they are back to their "normal roles" if no real work is done. And once again you will just be that bandaid that keeps him able to sustain his "role and place" in his marriage. 4
ladydesigner Posted October 15, 2016 Posted October 15, 2016 A 4 year affair is no joke I'm sure all of you experienced trauma from it and the ripple effects can last for years. I think this BS is in denial. I hope for their sake they can save it. Reconciliation is especially hard with LTA's. All my memories have been sorted as pre-affair and post-affair. Even if I Divorve I'll never forget. 5
Chica80 Posted October 15, 2016 Posted October 15, 2016 How are you LD? You seemed not so well the last couple post....
ladydesigner Posted October 15, 2016 Posted October 15, 2016 How are you LD? You seemed not so well the last couple post.... Thanks for asking! Life gets lonely sometimes but I try to fill it with good things like my kids and my girlfriends (we have all been OW or BS in some way so it is good to relate). LS can get triggery at times and just have to be careful. But I hope to not always be in limbo. 2
Chica80 Posted October 15, 2016 Posted October 15, 2016 Thanks for asking! Life gets lonely sometimes but I try to fill it with good things like my kids and my girlfriends (we have all been OW or BS in some way so it is good to relate). LS can get triggery at times and just have to be careful. But I hope to not always be in limbo. Ya í hear you! Some days I find I replace LS w real life...I can spend hours on here instead of what I should be focused on. I'm glad you are doing better. Having a good support system is so important. I have a couple gf. That without them it wouldn't be the same. 2
l8estnews Posted October 15, 2016 Posted October 15, 2016 I was trying to offer hope here, wasn't looking to be attacked!!! Whoa, hey there. No one is attacking you here. It's a legit question and opinion. Take everything that is written here constructively. Besides, we're all anonymous here. Don't take it to heart
elaine567 Posted October 15, 2016 Posted October 15, 2016 We are definitely not talking or keeping any contact. This was one email that I received from him over the weekend. I did not respond. This was just what the email said and I thought I would share that there is hope for those who are repairing their marriage from an affair. Like I mentioned, maybe she is the one who instigated having the email sent to me, but either way, it sounds like they are doing well and working on having an even better marriage in the future. I was trying to offer hope here, wasn't looking to be attacked!!! I think you are being naive if you truly think your 4 year affair with her husband, somehow made their marriage better... You are merely assuaging your own guilt. "See, I can't really be that bad a person as I have made their marriage better and all is now hunky dory..." Do you ever listen to the BSs on here? Do you not listen to their hurt which lies behind every post they write and is so evident to anyone with a bit of emotional intelligence. Men and women whose lives have been spoiled and ruined by cheating spouses for years and decades even. They hang grimly in there for "love" or for kids, or for family or for duty... etc. etc. And here you steam in telling them all how easy it is, why worry if your husband had an affair for 4 years, all it needs is 2 months and the future will be rosy for your marriage as long as he is getting all the sex he needs... Simples. ...and then you wonder why no-one is thanking you... 7
heartwhole Posted October 15, 2016 Posted October 15, 2016 It's certainly an oversimplification to say that my husband having an affair made our marriage better. Do we have a better sex life now? Do we communicate better? Is our dynamic more balanced? Yes. But the affair didn't make those things better; we made those things better. The affair made it glaringly obvious that we had things to improve in our marriage, but at the same time inflicted trauma and sowed mistrust and division so that improving our marriage was all the more difficult. I will always believe that we could have improved our marriage without him blowing up our marriage and hurting a third party . . . if he had just had foresight to see how there could be no good or easy resolution to an affair and the courage and self-awareness to communicate the ways he was unhappy. Maybe I am blinded by my own experience, but I don't think any couple can move past infidelity without radical work on themselves and their marriage. More sex and more date nights might have worked before the affair, but afterwards, nope. There needs to be a lot of soul-searching, a lot of emotion processing, a lot of behavioral change. 8
l8estnews Posted October 15, 2016 Posted October 15, 2016 One of the things that I have learned here is that surviving an affair needs one to have a big heart. What I mean is that huge capacity and willingness to forgive. Cheating, big or small, will be a deal-breaker for me. Absolute, 100%. Even if I love the person so much, even if that person begged, pleased, cried blood, I am out. So, in a way, I admire people who can forgive their partner's betrayal. 1
Whoknew30 Posted October 15, 2016 Posted October 15, 2016 How can anyone personally speak for another BS they don't know? Misery loves company & I think that when some BS do forgive easily in "certain" situations, that it drives other BS's mad. After 2 months is MC, I went on trip with my friends bc my H & I refused to babysit each other. We both realized that our A were a symptom of a bigger problem within our relationship that had absolutely nothing to do with our AP. Our marriage was not good & we handled it wrong...from day one we choose to do as forward & continued. It wasn't rug sweeping, our focus was on what was the cause for our Affairs. That was 8 years ago & until I ran into my AP that brought it all back for a second...I NEVER think about it & he had said neither does he. Not every BS self esteem is "smashed" for life from an A & it's not automatically "rug sweeping" bc another BS is emotionally stronger than another...BS may not get to choose how they feel but they sure can choose how they handle it. If this woman chose to focus on the weakness that helped lead to her husband's affair & be positive...well maybe that should be looked at as an example vs tearing her & AP for them all choosing to handle it in a positive manner... 1
Zenstudent Posted October 15, 2016 Posted October 15, 2016 I agree, affairs seem to be the fast track to happiness, so maybe everyone should have one. Maybe this BS is doing the pick me dance? Or maybe she's putting on a happy face while she waits for kids to grow up and move out in another 4 years - those things happen.
mikeylo Posted October 16, 2016 Posted October 16, 2016 Something is wrong with this scenario. It's not adding up. In either case , no, an affair doesn't make a marriage happier than before. If anything , it can make the people bond stronger to deal with life challenges together. It can bring them closer emotionally even though the hurt will be there for a long time to come. All this after a long healing process and genuine effort by WS. I don't think there is any need to make an affair so glamorous! 1
Zenstudent Posted October 16, 2016 Posted October 16, 2016 Not every BS self esteem is "smashed" for life from an A & it's not automatically "rug sweeping" bc another BS is emotionally stronger than another...BS may not get to choose how they feel but they sure can choose how they handle it. If this woman chose to focus on the weakness that helped lead to her husband's affair & be positive...well maybe that should be looked at as an example vs tearing her & AP for them all choosing to handle it in a positive manner... Do you think that he could too learn about his weaknesses that lead to it, if the B'S also had an affair? Would the marriage get even better?
Whoknew30 Posted October 17, 2016 Posted October 17, 2016 Do you think that he could too learn about his weaknesses that lead to it, if the B'S also had an affair? Would the marriage get even better? Absolutely, my H & I both learned (truly learned) what our weaknesses were during reconciliation from our A. Our marriage is better than I could have even imagined it ever being.
Try Posted October 19, 2016 Posted October 19, 2016 I had an platonic email exchange with my former AP and it sounds like his wife has been able to move forward and together they are working on their marriage. It sounds like everything is going well in the past two months since our affair ended, they are both changing for the better to be better spouses to each other, better parents to their kids, she is even being adventurous for him in the bedroom (which she hadn't been doing) and just over all making better choices to support each other. I am so happy for him as things could have gone the other way when his wife found out about his 4 year affair. It's proof that it isn't affairs that end marriagesAfter just 2 months after the affair it proves nothing more than the cheated on spouse is trying to make it work while letting the cheater rug sweeping the affair. My Mom did the same thing when she learned about my Dad's affair, but a few years later she divorced him because she did not want to be married to someone that she could never full trust again. Also, as his affair partner, just because you did not talk sex with him this particular time, does not make your email exchange with him platonic. What you did is called fishing. If she decides to divorce him, you were letting him know that you would be there. This gives him the advantage with her since he knows he has another option (you) still in place were she has none. Your email exchange was in effect yet another shot at the wife by you. This is possibly the reason that she is letting him rug sweep for now. If you have a shred of decency. get out of this woman's marriage now and stay out. 1
Try Posted October 19, 2016 Posted October 19, 2016 I had an platonic email exchange with my former APThis was one email that I received from him over the weekend. I did not respond. First you said that it was an "platonic email exchange" and now you say that it was "one email" from him and that you "did not respond" to. Please keep your story straight.
merrmeade Posted October 20, 2016 Posted October 20, 2016 We are definitely not talking or keeping any contact. This was one email that I received from him over the weekend. I did not respond. This was just what the email said and I thought I would share that there is hope for those who are repairing their marriage from an affair. Like I mentioned, maybe she is the one who instigated having the email sent to me, but either way, it sounds like they are doing well and working on having an even better marriage in the future. I was trying to offer hope here, wasn't looking to be attacked!!! Look, AHG, we have ALL been told things on LS that were hard to hear, things we didn't want to think about ourselves and given advice we didn't want to follow. If you post here, you accept the probability that some and the possibility that all of the responses will point out what you're doing wrong. It doesn't mean they're necessarily right either, but no one escapes hearing difficult things.
merrmeade Posted October 20, 2016 Posted October 20, 2016 All my memories have been sorted as pre-affair and post-affair. Even if I Divorve I'll never forget. Yep, this is a very real thing. 3
Recommended Posts