Hope for those who have had a spouse stray

[Ahurtgirl]

I had an platonic email exchange with my former AP and it sounds like his wife has been able to move forward and together they are working on their marriage. It sounds like everything is going well in the past two months since our affair ended, they are both changing for the better to be better spouses to each other, better parents to their kids, she is even being adventurous for him in the bedroom (which she hadn't been doing) and just over all making better choices to support each other.

 

I am so happy for him as things could have gone the other way when his wife found out about his 4 year affair. It's proof that it isn't affairs that end marriages, and they can even benefit a marriage when it comes out because it wakes up each partner to what they do not want to lose. This probably only works if both spouses are heterosexual and desire each other.

 

My case doesn't change but I am relieved his marriage is on track and he will live happily ever after (he seriously has a very good life; healthy kids, young grandparents so he hasn't had to become a care taker for his parents yet or her parents, him and his wife have really good careers, they go to church together, very active in sports with their kids, have many couple friends that they do things with, and they are now very much in love again.)

 

Maybe my purpose was to keep him from leaving her when things were at it's worst for them because I wasn't ready to leave when he was in the beginning. I really don't know but for those of you who are currently working on reconciliation, know that if you leave it all in the past once you have talked it out and learned what you need to learn then move forward, there really is a high chance of being happy forever with them. This is not saying I agree with affairs, just now that I have been down this terrible road, I am thankful things are working out for his family and maybe it will give hope to those struggling. Leave it in the past and the future will work itself out.

Edited October 15, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs and move to GRD

[ChickiePops]

Does his wife know that you two are still in touch?

[harrybrown]

Have you stopped all contact?

 

four years?

 

there is no way she will ever forget or really heal from a four year betrayal.

 

Think about it. Being lied to and cheated on for four years?

 

what a kick to her self esteem.

 

what would you do if you found out that your H had a four year A?

how would you feel?

 

Stop all contact.

[Wade Lamare]

Just a friendly word of warning Ahurtgirl, be very careful about contacting him again unless is wife is 100% ok with you doing so.

 

If she isn't, try to never contact him again. While it is lovely to see that you are happy for both him and her she may view any contact from you no matter how benign and thoughtful as a further breach of trust and this could undo all the progress they have made.

[Ahurtgirl]

I have been separated from my gay husband, so I am not in a situation to even relate. Yes, she knows we made contact. It was a one time contact and she read the email. Neither of us have an desire to make contact with each other.

[40somethingGuy]

I had an platonic email exchange with my former AP and it sounds like his wife has been able to move forward and together they are working on their marriage. It sounds like everything is going well in the past two months since our affair ended, they are both changing for the better to be better spouses to each other, better parents to their kids, she is even being adventurous for him in the bedroom (which she hadn't been doing) and just over all making better choices to support each other. I am so happy for him as things could have gone the other way when his wife found out about his 4 year affair. It's proof that it isn't affairs that end marriages, and they can even benefit a marriage when it comes out because it wakes up each partner to what they do not want to lose. This probably only works if both spouses are heterosexual and desire each other. My case doesn't change but I am relieved his marriage is on track and he will live happily ever after (he seriously has a very good life; healthy kids, young grandparents so he hasn't had to become a care taker for his parents yet or her parents, him and his wife have really good careers, they go to church together, very active in sports with their kids, have many couple friends that they do things with, and they are now very much in love again.) Maybe my purpose was to keep him from leaving her when things were at it's worst for them because I wasn't ready to leave when he was in the beginning. I really don't know but for those of you who are currently working on reconciliation, know that if you leave it all in the past once you have talked it out and learned what you need to learn then move forward, there really is a high chance of being happy forever with them. This is not saying I agree with affairs, just now that I have been down this terrible road, I am thankful things are working out for his family and maybe it will give hope to those struggling. Leave it in the past and the future will work itself out.

I have no idea how you can take part in deceiving and at best 'attempted family wrecking' for 4 years and be happy for him. You were OK being the poison in that families life? People like me who were on the unfortunate side of this try to work on the marriage b/c we are not ready to pull the plug on the kids and life as we know it. The trust is severely damaged and his wife should never trust that guy in the way she would need to. The OM and my WW in my case severely messed me up and while I have healed a lot, I don't know if you ever totally heal. 'Leave it in the past and the future will work itself out?' You sound like someone who is having trouble coming to terms with how despicable your and his constant choices over 4 long years were.

[Ahurtgirl]

The email was probably more to help her know that I do not want to be involved with her husband at all. She may have even suggested the email, I am not sure? Maybe she wanted me to know how amazing her life is now that I am no longer in the picture. Either way, I am happy for them.

[elaine567]

NO-ONE gets over their husband's 4 year affair in 2 months.

 

She is playing some sort of Pick me dance to keep him around and he is lapping it up, thinking all is forgiven and forgotten...

 

OR he is lying to you.

[Regretful one]

Im a little stunned...

 

Your 4 year affair ended 2 months ago. So I assume D day was 2 months ago. His wife is now eagerly working towards improving their marriage, getting adventurous in the bedroom and now will live happily ever after?

 

Im missing something. I can only imagine if this is accurate that that wife is in some serious denial?

 

My 6 week affair ended a little over two months ago and my wife sounds nothing like this wife or many of the other BS around here. I am happy for them if that is indeed true.. maybe he is just telling you these things so you can move on?

 

In any event I don't think an affair is ever a positive thing for a marriage no matter what. It is one spouse doing the most selfish thing possible to the other. I will always have regret for what Ive done. Having said that I do believe good can come out of bad and believe that with God's help my marriage can be restored and better than before but certainly not better off because I cheated on my wife.

 

If you care at all about that family I would agree with others that you should stop all contact and move on with your life. There is no such thing as a platonic email exchange with your affair partner. I assume he is keeping your exchange from his wife and if so that is just more deceit and lies which will further harm chances of reconciliation for them.

 

I would also hope that you do some self evaluation at this point in time. I am not judging you at all - I am a cheating spouse and the scum of the earth in the eyes of many Im sure but I have realized that I need to respect myself more than the way I have behaved and the choices I have made. I (and you) owe it to ourselves. Best of luck.

[Ahurtgirl]

NO-ONE gets over their husband's 4 year affair in 2 months.

 

She is playing some sort of Pick me dance to keep him around and he is lapping it up, thinking all is forgiven and forgotten...

 

OR he is lying to you.

 

She is definitely not over it, but she has chosen to not dwell on the past and would have rather never of known about the affair but is doing what needs done to improve herself and he is doing the same so that they will have a better future together.

[l8estnews]

Does his wife know that you two are still in touch?

 

One million question. OW/OMs should start NC if they really wanted their AP's marriage to work.

[RecentChange]

Well, for her sake I hope he never ever contacts you again. I would have gone ballistic.

 

As for their reconciliation - I would say she is still in the shock / please don't leave phase. No way that they have started on the hard work yet. Put a four year affair behind them!? No, it needs to be addressed and it is going to be incredibly painful to do so.

 

Now, I will agree with you that sometimes affairs cause a wake up call that some couples can come out the other side stronger than before. I am not sure a FOUR YEAR affair would be one of those though.

 

I have been a BS and a WS.

 

I would say it took over a year for me to "get over" his two month fling.

 

We are still working on reconciliation right now for mine. It's a DAILY thing. My D Day was January 30th, and my affair certainly wasn't some 4 year ordeal.

 

He has a HUGE mess to clean up - even though I am one for reconciliation I don't know how anyone could repair 4 years of deceit.

[Ahurtgirl]

One million question. OW/OMs should start NC if they really wanted their AP's marriage to work.

 

We are definitely not talking or keeping any contact. This was one email that I received from him over the weekend. I did not respond. This was just what the email said and I thought I would share that there is hope for those who are repairing their marriage from an affair. Like I mentioned, maybe she is the one who instigated having the email sent to me, but either way, it sounds like they are doing well and working on having an even better marriage in the future. I was trying to offer hope here, wasn't looking to be attacked!!!

[heartwhole]

You think his wife condoned or requested that he email you an update about their sex life?

 

Without more information I can't hazard a guess why he or she or both of them thought a sex life update to you was important, but it's evidence that they are not in a rational or healed place yet. And of course they're not; it's only been two months. That's not to say that they can't be making progress, and I hope for everyone's sake that they are.

 

Leave it in the past and the future will work itself out.

 

I disagree that this message will help couples reconcile their marriages. Any time a betrayed spouse says, "I wish you hadn't told me," that suggests to me that they are rug-sweepers who don't have the tools to work through hard things. Anyone who says, "Let's leave the affair in the past" at only two months out cannot have processed and learned from it and made real changes.

 

I remember at 2 months out my WH was saying to me, "I just want to look ahead, not in the rearview mirror." He couldn't bear the grief and the blame and the need to change and wanted to move ahead without doing any of that. Sure, he was over the affair and wanted to be with me, but he hadn't dealt with himself yet. Now at 18 months out, he would NEVER say, "Can't we put the affair in the past?" He gets it now. Sometimes one or both of us needs to grieve. Sometimes we are triggered. Sometimes we need to work on how to communicate and how to negotiate our needs. Etc etc etc.

 

Look, I really have no idea, maybe the BW did initiate the email that he sent because it helped her resolve feelings of you being privy to their private life (though inviting you to be further privy to their private life is an odd way to do it). Or maybe xMM simply misses you and thought you'd appreciate an email update. I can't know. Two months out from a 4 year affair, I don't think a couple can have completely reversed the screwed up "walls and windows" as described in Not Just Friends (great read if you haven't read it).

 

I do think couples can reconcile after infidelity, and that it's a messy process, just like recovering for the OW can be messy and sometimes feel like "two steps forward and one step back."

 

I hope you can feel free of worrying about their marriage now and concentrate on making healthy choices for yourself.

[RecentChange]

I didn't mean to attack you OP.

 

It's just to say everything is better now, and that they are going to live happily ever after - 8 weeks after a 4 year affair was discovered is a fairytale.

 

Let's say you were in a terrible car accident, injuried and rendered unconscious. You wake in the hospital still under the influence of extreme pain killers. They tell you what happened, and that you are injured, but you will be able to walk again. You try to processes it, but your still under the influence, do not yet feel the pain, or comprehend how involved the rehab is going to be, but your glad you will be able to walk again.

 

That's where they are. They haven't started the agonizing rehab needed to get back on their feet. And 4 years? They will never be able to walk the same way again.

[elaine567]

I can't hazard a guess why he or she or both of them thought a sex life update to you was important.

 

Excellent point.

 

BUT bringing up the subject of sex is a great way to get you started thinking about sex with him again...

From little acorns..

[BTDT2012]

It sounds like everything is going well in the past two months since our affair ended, they are both changing for the better to be better spouses to each other, better parents to their kids, she is even being adventurous for him in the bedroom (which she hadn't been doing) and just over all making better choices to support each other. I am so happy for him as things could have gone the other way when his wife found out about his 4 year affair

 

If my WH had this type of 'exchange' with his AP, I would divorce him. That is so disrespectful.

[merrmeade]

If my WH had this type of 'exchange' with his AP, I would divorce him. That is so disrespectful.

-zactly

Damn. It never ceases to amaze how utterly clueless most APs are and arrogant about what they think they understand. Crazy.

[ShatteredLady]

If my WH had this type of 'exchange' with his AP, I would divorce him. That is so disrespectful.

 

 

I understand that the OP had good intentions here. I think she's now starting to realize how very, very wrong her impression is.

 

One of the MOST painful things for me is the complete lack of trust, shared intimacies. If my H wrote to OW now about our sex life OR MY KIDS!!!! OMG!!

 

"divorce him"....that's a nice option!!! I was thinking way worse but I guess you're correct I don't want prison in my future!!!

[merrmeade]

We are definitely not talking or keeping any contact. This was one email that I received from him over the weekend. I did not respond. This was just what the email said and I thought I would share that there is hope for those who are repairing their marriage from an affair. ... I was trying to offer hope here, wasn't looking to be attacked!!!

Maybe your intentions were good, but it's clear you have NO idea what you're talking about.

 

Think about it a second: Your own husband was gay. I don't know but seems that probably could have been fraught with its own issues of trust and betrayal. So on that basis, yeah, maybe you can empathize a little. But otherwise how can you know?

 

In my opinion, you could be a lot more humble about what you think is good for your AP's marriage - much more about sharing it as a way to help others. Maybe it feels like you've made a sacrifice to end an affair and go NC (or think you have). I can understand that feeling (trying anyway) that you've done something to benefit others, but that in no way qualifies you to know what's going on in their marriage. You especially can't count on anything from the WH who possibly betrayed his wife's trust again by this communication (with the intimate details in the content if not the fact of it). He also already proved that his handling of truth and disclosure in relationships is not dependable.

 

No, you guys have no business conferring like clear-eyed do-gooders about what his wife feels, thinks and needs.

 

Bizarre.

[merrmeade]

one email that I received from him over the weekend. I did not respond.

Meant to say that this explanation in no way minimizes the problem of that "one email." It was one too many. The weekend was just a few days ago for Pete's sake and your affair ended only two months ago. Might as well have been yesterday. You're in the very, very, very beginning.

 

Nowhere near that place of wisdom and reflection that might help others. I think you want to be commended for breaking it off. No question it was the right thing to do. But just leave it there and work on yourself now.

[aileD]

I hope it's true, thanks for sharing.

 

I don't think affairs are good for marriages ...but good CAN be created from them.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

I had an platonic email exchange with my former AP and it sounds like his wife has been able to move forward and together they are working on their marriage. It sounds like everything is going well in the past two months since our affair ended, they are both changing for the better to be better spouses to each other, better parents to their kids, she is even being adventurous for him in the bedroom (which she hadn't been doing) and just over all making better choices to support each other. I am so happy for him as things could have gone the other way when his wife found out about his 4 year affair. It's proof that it isn't affairs that end marriages, and they can even benefit a marriage when it comes out because it wakes up each partner to what they do not want to lose. This probably only works if both spouses are heterosexual and desire each other. My case doesn't change but I am relieved his marriage is on track and he will live happily ever after (he seriously has a very good life; healthy kids, young grandparents so he hasn't had to become a care taker for his parents yet or her parents, him and his wife have really good careers, they go to church together, very active in sports with their kids, have many couple friends that they do things with, and they are now very much in love again.) Maybe my purpose was to keep him from leaving her when things were at it's worst for them because I wasn't ready to leave when he was in the beginning. I really don't know but for those of you who are currently working on reconciliation, know that if you leave it all in the past once you have talked it out and learned what you need to learn then move forward, there really is a high chance of being happy forever with them. This is not saying I agree with affairs, just now that I have been down this terrible road, I am thankful things are working out for his family and maybe it will give hope to those struggling. Leave it in the past and the future will work itself out.

 

Wow! Just... wow! They've accomplished in 2 months what most couples can't do in 3 years.

 

I'm trying not to sound snarky, but 2 months post D-Day might as well be 2 hours. She's still in shock and not thinking clearly. The wife hasn't even had time to process the implications of the affair. Any affair is destructive, but a 4 year affair is a LOT to unpack. It will take her months and months to process this. Just wait until she hits the ANGER phase of grief in a few months. I fully expect for the proverbial mud to hit the fan during the upcoming Holiday season.

 

 

I would wait at least three years before assuming that they are now happily-ever-after; definitely not two months.

 

PS - If my WW ever contacts her AP I will divorce her ASAP!

[NTV]

Thanks for sharing. How are you holding up in all this? 4 years with a man is a lot to try to get past and I can't imagine that your feelings have evened out already.

[BTDT2012]

-zactly

Damn. It never ceases to amaze how utterly clueless most APs are and arrogant about what they think they understand. Crazy.

 

I don't think the OP was trying to be arrogant.