When people see your ex as a threat

[LD1990]

Thank you everyone for your replies. To answer most of you, I still feel someone can be friends with their ex if they had gotten so close and known each other so well for many years. You are all so quick to judge that it means either of us want to get back together. We have communicated with each other we don't want to get back together or have feelings for each other, we both are moving on with other people. Honestly people can still be friends with their exes without getting attached to them again. They're not necessarily using each other as backup.

 

You know who else is quick to judge? Any guy with a lick of dating experience who has heard "he's just a friend" before. So if your friendship with your ex is more important than your future relationships, by all means keep doing what you're doing. But you're going to have a very hard time finding a guy that's cool with the arrangement, and any guy that doesn't mind is probably a spineless doormat anyway.

[Omei]

I wouldn't date anyone in close contact with an ex why bother with that when you can just find someone else who leaves that stuff behind?

 

Lots of ppl think this way.

 

If you wanna have a friendship with an ex you must prepare that a great deal of people won't wanna enter a relationship knowing that.

 

People won't care how platonic you make it, why pick you when they can pick someone else willing to give an ex free clean slate.

Edited October 15, 2016 by Omei

[gorf]

Thank you everyone for your replies. To answer most of you, I still feel someone can be friends with their ex if they had gotten so close and known each other so well for many years. You are all so quick to judge that it means either of us want to get back together. We have communicated with each other we don't want to get back together or have feelings for each other, we both are moving on with other people. Honestly people can still be friends with their exes without getting attached to them again. They're not necessarily using each other as backup.

 

Ill give you a different perspective. These guys you meet will feel this way towards your friendship, and they will not be the last, cause almost all guys are this way for good reason. When a guy hears ex and friend in the same sentence, they cancel out the friend part. The point is there is a difference between a friend, a very good friend, even a best friend.. and an ex lover. You make a different connection with that person. Its a romantic connection.

 

Now.. maybe you claim to be done with the ex, but any attempt to stay in contact with them will come across to most any guy as a means of backup. Its uncomfortable to say the least. They were not friends to begin with, there was a romantic deeper connection made, so how is it possible to blot that out of you mind. A guy you are dating now will know that. An ex is a threat to anyone with backbone who is seriously perusing a girl and sees her more than just a fun temporary passtime in his life.

 

Every once and a while, a guy will disagree. But if you get to know him, you will see his horrendous track record with dating. Additionally, and I will say it again cause Ive seen it over and over in friend's relationships, and my own experience, lots of guys to go by, that not so much the girl.. but the guy, the ex.. is not around purely to 100% be friends. I am saying that as a guy I know how guys think, my guy friends think, and I don't see you convincing your way into a healthy relationship with a new man while he sees a shadow is behind you.

[kendahke]

Thank you everyone for your replies. To answer most of you, I still feel someone can be friends with their ex if they had gotten so close and known each other so well for many years. You are all so quick to judge that it means either of us want to get back together. We have communicated with each other we don't want to get back together or have feelings for each other, we both are moving on with other people. Honestly people can still be friends with their exes without getting attached to them again. They're not necessarily using each other as backup.

 

Then go ahead and be friend with him. Hopefully that friendship will keep you warm at night. Just don't expect for a majority of men to be ok with your ex orbiting. You're being unrealistic.

 

The fact are:

1. this ex has seen you naked

2. this ex has seen you orgasm

3. you have tried to get back with him 4 times

4. he has yet to be evicted from a place in your intimacy that isn't preserved for the current guy in your life.

 

No guy who has a healthy estimation of himself is going to be OK with this unless he isn't serious about you and just wants a FWB with you--because he doesn't want to deal with your ex stepping to him and letting him know that the ex got in there before he did. THAT is the reason why they're taking a pass.

[longjohn]

I am 100% honest I do not want to get back with him. Your assumption from my first line is wrong.

 

Tell that to the guys that run for the hills when they hear your keeping your ex around. That's all most of us men with half a brain will hear. The ex is still there and we'll correctly or incorrectly assume either she has a thing for him or he for her. Logically this means one thing she isn't ready and/or potential for being dumped for the ex or being in direct competition with him for her. That's just ridiculous and no one wants that. There's other ladies out there that are unattached.

 

I'm sorry you've got to dump your ex if you want a guy to actually stick around. I'm being honest here when I say that. I've been the guy that's been told "I'm just friends with me ex" it's happened a few times and every time my answer is the same.. it's me or him, can't have both.

[JewelD]

Thank you everyone for your replies. To answer most of you, I still feel someone can be friends with their ex if they had gotten so close and known each other so well for many years. You are all so quick to judge that it means either of us want to get back together. We have communicated with each other we don't want to get back together or have feelings for each other, we both are moving on with other people. Honestly people can still be friends with their exes without getting attached to them again. They're not necessarily using each other as backup.

 

But you're not really moving on with people because no one wants to date you because of your ex right? I have Exes who are great people who I had a lot of fun with and the relationship didn't end badly. However, I'm fully aware that keeping them around looks weird to other people and could prevent me from finding someone new to date.

 

So I cut them off. I have friends that I have not dated or slept with that I keep around for actual friendship. But clearly the extent of your friendship with your ex is too much for these guys to handle. So I guess it all boils down to if you'd rather have a chance to move on in a new relationship or be single and keep your ex as a friend while he moves on. Assuming of course that his girlfriends won't tell him to cut you off at some point.

[BikerAccnt]

Let me posit this question for those of you who are adamant you cut exes out of your lives.

 

My most recent X - about a year now, is in the same motorcycle club that I'm in, and that' I've been in for 15 years. I introduced her to the club, she made lots of friends in the club, she joined the club. I don't intend to leave the club, and neither does she. So we remain friendly. Not "friends" so to speak, but friendly. There are times where we've even sat at the same table and talked when out on club rides. Imagine!

 

Is my current GF thrilled about it. No, of course not. But, she's mature enough to understand and trust me. Does she trust the ex GF? I doubt it. BUT she trusts me.

 

It's all about trust. just because someone else acted badly previously, doesn't mean you shouldn't cut your current dating prospect some slack.

 

Would I be friendly with my EX had she not remained in the club. Yes. Would I see her as often as i do now? Absolutely not. But nor would i run and hide from her and block her from existence.

 

So, what would you EX absolutists do in my situation? How would you suggest she disappear?

 

Rie39, you need to do what is right for you, and if the person you are dating isn't happy with it, and demands you change. Well, then you have a decision to make.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Let me posit this question for those of you who are adamant you cut exes out of your lives.

 

My most recent X - about a year now, is in the same motorcycle club that I'm in, and that' I've been in for 15 years. I introduced her to the club, she made lots of friends in the club, she joined the club. I don't intend to leave the club, and neither does she. So we remain friendly. Not "friends" so to speak, but friendly. There are times where we've even sat at the same table and talked when out on club rides. Imagine!

 

Is my current GF thrilled about it. No, of course not. But, she's mature enough to understand and trust me. Does she trust the ex GF? I doubt it. BUT she trusts me.

 

It's all about trust. just because someone else acted badly previously, doesn't mean you shouldn't cut your current dating prospect some slack.

 

Would I be friendly with my EX had she not remained in the club. Yes. Would I see her as often as i do now? Absolutely not. But nor would i run and hide from her and block her from existence.

 

So, what would you EX absolutists do in my situation? How would you suggest she disappear?

 

Rie39, you need to do what is right for you, and if the person you are dating isn't happy with it, and demands you change. Well, then you have a decision to make.

 

Every situation is different. Yours, enjoying the same organization/passion, being "friendly" is the right call. But you are not friends, right? There is a difference. If my ex were around, and she isn't, thank goodness, I would be "friendly" too. But we would not be friends. I think this is where the difference lies. The OP is a "friend" to her ex, so the chances of contact are that much greater. The chances of frequent communication, more open and inviting.

 

Shutdown an ex, if possible, but keeping an open friendship is a different ball game if you're trying to date and convince the new person there's nothing there.

[Omei]

Let me posit this question for those of you who are adamant you cut exes out of your lives.

 

My most recent X - about a year now, is in the same motorcycle club that I'm in, and that' I've been in for 15 years. I introduced her to the club, she made lots of friends in the club, she joined the club. I don't intend to leave the club, and neither does she. So we remain friendly. Not "friends" so to speak, but friendly. There are times where we've even sat at the same table and talked when out on club rides. Imagine!

 

Is my current GF thrilled about it. No, of course not. But, she's mature enough to understand and trust me. Does she trust the ex GF? I doubt it. BUT she trusts me.

 

It's all about trust. just because someone else acted badly previously, doesn't mean you shouldn't cut your current dating prospect some slack.

 

Would I be friendly with my EX had she not remained in the club. Yes. Would I see her as often as i do now? Absolutely not. But nor would i run and hide from her and block her from existence.

 

So, what would you EX absolutists do in my situation? How would you suggest she disappear?

 

Rie39, you need to do what is right for you, and if the person you are dating isn't happy with it, and demands you change. Well, then you have a decision to make.

That's all great and all

 

But it's your partner who will always have it in the back of her head who has to deal with any insecurity I'm sure she's mature enough to handle it but it's the fact she has too that's unfair and lots of people agree so they put exs in the past so their partners will never have to worry.

 

Out of respect for your new lady you should of left the bike blub and realize now that you should learn to keep some things for yourself in a relationship, you shouldn't of introduced your ex gf to your longest joined club you kidding me ? perhaps when you were married I wouldn't of for just a gf because now ur in the situation you're in.

 

Of course your gf isn't thrilled about it she's the one who has to deal with the burden not you.

Edited October 21, 2016 by Omei

[phineas]

That's all great and all

 

But it's your partner who will always have it in the back of her head who has to deal with any insecurity I'm sure she's mature enough to handle it but it's the fact she has too that's unfair and lots of people agree so they put exs in the past so their partners will never have to worry.

 

Out of respect for your new lady you should of left the bike blub and realize now that you should learn to keep some things for yourself in a relationship, you shouldn't of introduced your ex gf to your longest joined club you kidding me ? perhaps when you were married I wouldn't of for just a gf because now ur in the situation you're in.

 

Of course your gf isn't thrilled about it she's the one who has to deal with the burden not you.

 

No he shouldn't have left the bike club.

WTF?

15yrs been there and he should just bail on all his other friends in the club because his ex is part of it?

again. WTF?

I'd hate to be your BF.

 

"honey, I know you make more money than you could anywhere else at your current job because you've been there for 15yrs, but....well you know your ex-GF works there also, maybe you could quit and go work somewhere else for less?"

[mizunomead]

define friends...how much contact do you have with your ex? what kind of contact?

as a general rule i would not get involved with a woman who still regularly has contact with a ex. especially a long term ex.

if its just like like posts on fb occasionally and occasional polite conversation at some kind of function then maybe. after that....probably not.

foe others it may be ok. to me it would be bad boundries. and i think to most guys who are looking for a serious relationship.

[Timshel]

No he shouldn't have left the bike club.

WTF?

15yrs been there and he should just bail on all his other friends in the club because his ex is part of it?

again. WTF?

I'd hate to be your BF.

 

"honey, I know you make more money than you could anywhere else at your current job because you've been there for 15yrs, but....well you know your ex-GF works there also, maybe you could quit and go work somewhere else for less?"

 

You misunderstood, my take Omei's post: If there is an organization, club, passion of some sort that you couldn't in a million years imagine not being a part of......don't introduce every Jane, Jan or Betty you date to them.

 

Omei said, read her post....perhaps wait for marriage to share the big stuff...then, you won't have to deal with overlapping chapters in the book.

 

Kapish?