When people see your ex as a threat

[rie39]

Hey guys!

 

So I really need your advice on something that is really bothering me. Is this something that happens to other people?

 

I feel so annoyed at the fact that sometimes when I get to know guys, after they naturally ask about my ex and why we broke up, they will say something along the lines of "you should give him another chance if he loves you" "you were with him for 4 years? Long time, you should try to make it work" or even one guy said he didn't want to date me after all as he was worried I'd get back with my ex because I was in a relationship with him for so long.

 

As if having an ex boyfriend is getting in the way of me finding someone new.

 

I don't know if this is just me meeting the wrong guys (the right guy won't say these things right?).

 

Just a bit of background, I do still talk to my ex as a friend. No I do NOT want to get back with him, we tried sooo hard to make it work and it's done. Lots of breaking up and trying again, breaking up trying again. Me still talking to him doesn't mean I still like him or he still likes me. We are just able to get along as friends.

 

I feel like I don't know if it's better to not be friends with my ex and to tell guys I no longer talk to him, or that it's totally okay to still be friends with an ex and the right guy won't have issues with that.

 

Help please?

[PaperCrane]

Hey guys!

 

So I really need your advice on something that is really bothering me. Is this something that happens to other people?

 

I feel so annoyed at the fact that sometimes when I get to know guys, after they naturally ask about my ex and why we broke up, they will say something along the lines of "you should give him another chance if he loves you" "you were with him for 4 years? Long time, you should try to make it work" or even one guy said he didn't want to date me after all as he was worried I'd get back with my ex because I was in a relationship with him for so long.

 

As if having an ex boyfriend is getting in the way of me finding someone new.

 

I don't know if this is just me meeting the wrong guys (the right guy won't say these things right?).

 

Just a bit of background, I do still talk to my ex as a friend. No I do NOT want to get back with him, we tried sooo hard to make it work and it's done. Lots of breaking up and trying again, breaking up trying again. Me still talking to him doesn't mean I still like him or he still likes me. We are just able to get along as friends.

 

I feel like I don't know if it's better to not be friends with my ex and to tell guys I no longer talk to him, or that it's totally okay to still be friends with an ex and the right guy won't have issues with that.

 

Help please?

 

The two bolded parts are a red flag when put together. It would say to me that I'm most likely to end up as a filler relationship until you two try again.

 

It doesn't matter if the 'right guy' can put up with it, because the 'right guy' will have too much self esteem to waste his time and you'll end up with someone who will most likely be a doormat.

[JewelD]

Those are odd things to say so you're probably doing something that makes your ex seem like a threat. Exes shouldn't really be coming up extensively on the first date anyway.

 

How much do you say about your ex and your friendship? Do you have a twinkle in your eye when speaking of him? Sounds like you're probably telling these guys way more than they need to know about your ex.

 

I was talking to a girl once who did something similar. Supposedly she was over her ex, but she had been the dumpee and they were still friends. Not just friends, but she stated, "We'll always be a part of each other's lives". No kids, no mutual friends, ex lived halfway across the country. In that case, I knew something fishy was up because she really treasured this 'friendship' with an ex she'd been with for over 7 years.

 

Nobody wants to start a relationship with someone who is that close with their ex.

[PaperCrane]

Those are odd things to say so you're probably doing something that makes your ex seem like a threat. Exes shouldn't really be coming up extensively on the first date anyway.

 

How much do you say about your ex and your friendship? Do you have a twinkle in your eye when speaking of him? Sounds like you're probably telling these guys way more than they need to know about your ex.

 

I was talking to a girl once who did something similar. Supposedly she was over her ex, but she had been the dumpee and they were still friends. Not just friends, but she stated, "We'll always be a part of each other's lives". No kids, no mutual friends, ex lived halfway across the country. In that case, I knew something fishy was up because she really treasured this 'friendship' with an ex she'd been with for over 7 years.

 

Nobody wants to start a relationship with someone who is that close with their ex.

 

Exactly. If someone seems to just gush over their ex and say they'll be in their lives forever...that doesn't ring true to an actual ex that's been moved on from.

[Gaeta]

What are you telling these men about your ex? if you embellish your relationship with him, if you say anything like we loved each other but, yes that makes people think you quit too fast on someone.

[Kelley]

Maybe it's the information you are giving these guys? We all have a past it shouldn't put potential partners off, so it must be what you are saying? A simple I was with a guy for 4 years, it didn't work out, I have moved on should suffice?

[Miss Peach]

My longest relationship was 9 years. I never had any guys admit to that one. But I had made it clean that it was over and we both moved on when it came up. It's never been an issue.

 

I do see a potential point if the ex is going to be a friend. Some people feel threatened or that you haven't moved on and they will rule you out if they are serious (looking for fun guys wouldn't care IME).

 

I have one ex I remain friends with. But we went NC/LC for a while and later became friends again. We had always gotten along well but our ways of looking at relationships and life goals were very different. I am no longer attracted to him and have a sort of 'What was I thinking' with him but we do get along well as the reasons we broke up don't factor into a friendship. So I get the possibility of being friends with an ex.

 

OP - Are you bringing him up at all on dates? How is he coming up? If you discuss him a lot and they find out he's an ex that might be why people think you aren't over him.

[Redhead14]

Hey guys!

 

So I really need your advice on something that is really bothering me. Is this something that happens to other people?

 

I feel so annoyed at the fact that sometimes when I get to know guys, after they naturally ask about my ex and why we broke up, they will say something along the lines of "you should give him another chance if he loves you" "you were with him for 4 years? Long time, you should try to make it work" or even one guy said he didn't want to date me after all as he was worried I'd get back with my ex because I was in a relationship with him for so long.

 

As if having an ex boyfriend is getting in the way of me finding someone new.

 

I don't know if this is just me meeting the wrong guys (the right guy won't say these things right?).

 

Just a bit of background, I do still talk to my ex as a friend. No I do NOT want to get back with him, we tried sooo hard to make it work and it's done. Lots of breaking up and trying again, breaking up trying again. Me still talking to him doesn't mean I still like him or he still likes me. We are just able to get along as friends.

 

I feel like I don't know if it's better to not be friends with my ex and to tell guys I no longer talk to him, or that it's totally okay to still be friends with an ex and the right guy won't have issues with that.

 

Help please?

 

If a fairly new dating partner asked me about past partners, I'd be very matter of fact about it and not supply many details or emotional affect. Just the facts ma'am -- "yeah, I've had my share of break ups, they can be difficult, but that's just part of dating. You just have to keep moving forward". If they press for more info, etc., I'd say, "I dated a guy for 4 years. That was then and this is now. I'm having a nice time with you, let's just enjoy the here and now".

 

If you're being melancholy or denegrating the relationship/ex, yeah, they're going to be concerned that you aren't over the relationship and that they may be the rebound guy.

 

It's something people watch out for -- how long their past relationships lasted, how long it's been since a break up. It's a good way to not allow yourself to get too far into a new relationship and end up hurt.

 

If it's early in the scenario, it's none of their business. When it gets to a point where things are becoming serious, like exclusivity, then you share more details.

 

And, if you are recently out of a long-term relationship and jumping back into dating too soon, you are setting yourself up for disappointment, confusion and possible heartbreak. So you need to get real with yourself and know that you are "over" that past relationship and able/prepared to leave any baggage from it behind.

[kendahke]

Just a bit of background, I do still talk to my ex as a friend. No I do NOT want to get back with him, we tried sooo hard to make it work and it's done. Lots of breaking up and trying again, breaking up trying again. Me still talking to him doesn't mean I still like him or he still likes me. We are just able to get along as friends.

 

Well, it does on some level---otherwise, you wouldn't be talking to someone you didn't like. I'm not friends with people I don't like.

 

However, this is the problem: you're still talking to your ex as friends and plenty of men feel threatened and will not even want to wade in with someone doing this. No, you don't have to be enemies with your ex, but just as there are women out there who cannot abide their guy having an intimate friendship (and intimacy doesn't necessarily mean sex--it means having access to a place in their psychological intimacy that only the current person should be occupying and that's threatening to some people), there are guys who see this and decide it's best to steer clear of someone with messy boundaries... sure there are guys who don't, but the guys you're talking to aren't that kind of guys. Might be a good idea to find someone who isn't threatened by it.

[NJ123]

Honestly, this is just me personally, but if a woman said she still talks with her ex/still friends with an ex it would be an automatic deal breaker for me.

[LD1990]

Count me as another of the many guys who won't date a woman who's friends with an ex. 99 percent of the time it's not a true friendship, it's one person who wants to get back together with the other but is stuck in the friend zone. No thanks, I'll pass. It's not a matter of seeing the ex as a threat, it's more about why does someone need an ex in their life?

[NJ123]

Count me as another of the many guys who won't date a woman who's friends with an ex. 99 percent of the time it's not a true friendship, it's one person who wants to get back together with the other but is stuck in the friend zone. No thanks, I'll pass. It's not a matter of seeing the ex as a threat, it's more about why does someone need an ex in their life?

 

This exactly. Usually it seems it's the guy stuck in the friend zone who wants to be with the woman again than the other way around. But sometimes feelings get in the way & the woman goes back to the ex. I'd rather be with someone that wants a complete fresh start & doesn't have any exes or ex sexual partners in their life at all.

[gorf]

 

.....As if having an ex boyfriend is getting in the way of me finding someone new....

 

I don't know if this is just me meeting the wrong guys (the right guy won't say these things right?).

 

Just a bit of background, I do still talk to my ex as a friend. No I do NOT want to get back with him, we tried sooo hard to make it work and it's done. Lots of breaking up and trying again, breaking up trying again.

 

Me still talking to him doesn't mean I still like him or he still likes me.

 

We are just able to get along as friends.

 

I feel like I don't know if it's better to not be friends with my ex and to tell guys I no longer talk to him, or that it's totally okay to still be friends with an ex and the right guy won't have issues with that.

 

Help please?

 

4 years. You are not over him. And yes... it is absolutely hindering your ability to meet a new guy. This guy of 4 years, you both tried so hard over and over and over, tried so hard to make it work. Then it ends. But not really ... cause you are still in contact. In fact, you are still friends. This is friends with a guy who got to know you well, made a connection with, presumably saw you naked.. you know. This is the guy you keep in contact with, as a 'friend.' You made a connection with him and the friends word or not, you are not over him. Of course these new guys you meet are going to be concerned about this guy.

 

Is he in the past? Is he no more than a distant shadow to you?.. or, is a relevent in your life. Do you see him in your future? Thats a question you have to ask yourself. As a guy, if my girl were messaging a guy who was with her intimately, and keeps in contact as a 'friend' cause she built a connection with him, can talk to him, can open up emotionally.. etc. I would be concerned why I am not good enough to take his place. I would never take the 'now friends' excuse from a guy like this ex, or a guy who was a fling for a few weeks, or a guy who was a one night stand. Its all bad and there is a connection there that has to be cut in-order for a healthy relationship with a new man to form. Best of luck!

[gorf]

Well, it does on some level---otherwise, you wouldn't be talking to someone you didn't like. I'm not friends with people I don't like.

 

However, this is the problem: you're still talking to your ex as friends and plenty of men feel threatened and will not even want to wade in with someone doing this. No, you don't have to be enemies with your ex, but just as there are women out there who cannot abide their guy having an intimate friendship (and intimacy doesn't necessarily mean sex--it means having access to a place in their psychological intimacy that only the current person should be occupying and that's threatening to some people), there are guys who see this and decide it's best to steer clear of someone with messy boundaries... sure there are guys who don't, but the guys you're talking to aren't that kind of guys. Might be a good idea to find someone who isn't threatened by it.

 

Ill second that. Maybe that is what you have to do, op. Just be sure, that guy is ok with it. Meaning.. he will be doing the same thing to you. Cause he is ok with it. So for example, I hope you are comfortable with him out in his car talking on the phone to a woman he was intimate with or dated for some time. You will forever thereafter buy the 'were just friends' excuse. But beware: he could apply those loose boundaries in other ways. Such as he could buy a random girl a drink at the bar and if you see it happen, he could just tell you he was only making friends. Im not trying to be dramatic, but the reality is, when you set a standard of what is ok, the guy will live by it too. If you find a guy who is ok with you buddy buddy with the guy you broke up with, then be sure of what that can mean as far as who he is as a guy

Edited October 14, 2016 by gorf

[preraph]

Look, no one likes sharing. But I'm like you and have stayed friends with exes over the years. Most of mine knew each other and I never really got any crap for it. But when it's an unknown entity, well, there's room for suspicion.

 

So keep things very clearcut and transparent when dating someone. Rule #1: Do not EVER let your ex interrupt your time with your new man or cause you to change plans or have to leave the room to talk during dinner or any time. Don't let your ex interrupt your life, period. If they are trying to do that, they are doing it on purpose because they want to see you fail.

 

If your new bf sees your texts sometimes, tell the ex you can't be texting back and forth or emailing all the time. Don't tell him why. Just say, Hey, I'm sorry, but don't have time to chat right now. Don't let an ex fill your phone. And if they start making any sexy or sweet comments, then you know they're not just a friend and shouldn't be entertaining that while you have a new bf. If push comes to shove, say to the ex, "Hey, how would you have liked it when we were together?"

 

And next, if he's really just a friend, then invite your ex and a date to go out with your new bf and you. That's if you see him at all. Maybe you never see him, in which case, leave it that way. But you can't be seeing him without your bf if your bf hasn't met him and decided he trusts him.

[basil67]

How close are you and your ex? To me, this is the crux of the matter.

 

If you're FB friends and like each other's posts, I think it's Ok. If you run into each other with your larger social group, I think it's OK.

 

But going out 1:1 not so much. Texting each other or sharing feelings is also probably crossing the line. And if the friendship is the kind where you've pledged that you'll always be there for each other and you'd be devastated to lose contact - totally crossing the line.

 

My hubby and I are both friends with a couple of exes. But none of them are close friends. We can go years without talking and it's OK.

[gorf]

How close are you and your ex? To me, this is the crux of the matter.

.

 

I would agree. There is such a thing as emotional cheating. I guarantee, as a guy, this this ex is not hanging around cause he wants to be friends. I know its harder as a woman to grasp this, but its a fact. He might compose himself in a friendly way, but I guarantee he is waiting for that "bad day" you have, when he happens to be in the market. You are a backup with a friend label stamped on your forehead. You have to really dig down and wonder who he is for you, given your background with him.

Edited October 14, 2016 by gorf

[BikerAccnt]

I would agree. There is such a thing as emotional cheating. I guarantee, as a guy, this this ex is not hanging around cause he wants to be friends. I know its harder as a woman to grasp this, but its a fact. He might compose himself in a friendly way, but I guarantee he is waiting for that "bad day" you have, when he happens to be in the market. You are a backup with a friend label stamped on your forehead. You have to really dig down and wonder who he is for you, given your background with him.

 

That is not always true. I'm a guy, and am friendly with two of my exes. Trust me, I have no desire to get back in their pants. None. I'm also friends with a very attractive woman for over 30 years now. We've never even kissed. Imagine! Shocking!

 

I don't make it a habit of hanging one toone with my exes, however I do hang 1 on 1 with my female friend now and again. My girlfriend has nothing to worry about on any account. I trust her to trust me. And if she can't, then she's not the one for me, not visa versa.

 

Trust is important, and I give it until it's broken. Then good luck getting it back.

[longjohn]

Hey guys!

 

Just a bit of background, I do still talk to my ex as a friend. No I do NOT want to get back with him, we tried sooo hard to make it work and it's done. Lots of breaking up and trying again, breaking up trying again. Me still talking to him doesn't mean I still like him or he still likes me. We are just able to get along as friends.

 

Help please?

 

As a man that first line alone screams she's still attached/interested and/or won't let go of the ex. I've had ladies tell me their ex and they are just "friends" I won't accept this. Who would tolerate a threat like that lingering around. I wouldn't and couldn't risk investing time and energy into something where I may get dumped in an unknown amount of time into the relationship. Ex's are ex's for a good reason. No one would keep a diseased limb attached to their body.. what do you do? You cut it off, it isn't nice and it's painful but it's the only way to survive. If you want a guy to stick around past the "I'm still friends with my ex" stage truly dump the ex and move along.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Hey guys!

 

So I really need your advice on something that is really bothering me. Is this something that happens to other people?

 

I feel so annoyed at the fact that sometimes when I get to know guys, after they naturally ask about my ex and why we broke up, they will say something along the lines of "you should give him another chance if he loves you" "you were with him for 4 years? Long time, you should try to make it work" or even one guy said he didn't want to date me after all as he was worried I'd get back with my ex because I was in a relationship with him for so long.

 

As if having an ex boyfriend is getting in the way of me finding someone new.

 

I don't know if this is just me meeting the wrong guys (the right guy won't say these things right?).

 

Just a bit of background, I do still talk to my ex as a friend. No I do NOT want to get back with him, we tried sooo hard to make it work and it's done. Lots of breaking up and trying again, breaking up trying again. Me still talking to him doesn't mean I still like him or he still likes me. We are just able to get along as friends.

 

I feel like I don't know if it's better to not be friends with my ex and to tell guys I no longer talk to him, or that it's totally okay to still be friends with an ex and the right guy won't have issues with that.

 

Help please?

 

The right, naive, guy will be okay with it.

 

You still communicate with your ex of 4-years that you tried over and over again to reconcile with. If I knew that, I would never date you. I made that mistake once....NEVER AGAIN.

 

Here's the part that gets me....it's not entirely the communication part of it, though significant. It's the communication PLUS your past frequent attempts to get back together with someone that had been revealed was incompatible with you. I would see that as some emotional NEED to hold on despite the evidence to move on. Sorry to say it, but the ladies are much more prone to such behavior, lingering, yearning to return.....

[phineas]

Count me as another of the many guys who won't date a woman who's friends with an ex. 99 percent of the time it's not a true friendship, it's one person who wants to get back together with the other but is stuck in the friend zone. No thanks, I'll pass. It's not a matter of seeing the ex as a threat, it's more about why does someone need an ex in their life?

 

This.

I have many women friends.

They are friends only because they keep their ex's around or more appropriately if an ex contacts them they are incapable of not responding to him.

Some even see them in person here and there.

 

They were all dumped by these ex's or were forced to break up with them because they were just plain horrible people with substance abuse issues or got violent.

 

I tell these women you will never get a decent man to date you if you keep these guys in your life.

I also tell them if any of the guys you dated met with ex's or talked to them you'd have a conniption.

 

the only guys they end up with are men who don't care because they just see them as fun.

 

I sometimes wonder if these women keep dating men who are not long term potential because they are secretly hoping to get back together with that ex.

 

I mean a woman friend who admitted she loved an ex who had hit her secretly went to dinner with him recently while dating another guy.

I only found out because she told a mutual friend.

 

Another female friend's ex will stop by her house to talk. he drank too much and got violent sometimes.

 

now i have no idea if these women slept with those guys, they might even though one is with another woman and the other just wants sex because they loved them. i don't really care. myself because i'll never date them until they can get those guys out of their lives.

But THEY have to do it.

Not the guy.

that's pointless and leaves it open for him to return.

Edited October 15, 2016 by phineas

[rie39]

As a man that first line alone screams she's still attached/interested and/or won't let go of the ex. I've had ladies tell me their ex and they are just "friends" I won't accept this. Who would tolerate a threat like that lingering around. I wouldn't and couldn't risk investing time and energy into something where I may get dumped in an unknown amount of time into the relationship. Ex's are ex's for a good reason. No one would keep a diseased limb attached to their body.. what do you do? You cut it off, it isn't nice and it's painful but it's the only way to survive. If you want a guy to stick around past the "I'm still friends with my ex" stage truly dump the ex and move along.

 

I am 100% honest I do not want to get back with him. Your assumption from my first line is wrong.

[rie39]

Thank you everyone for your replies. To answer most of you, I still feel someone can be friends with their ex if they had gotten so close and known each other so well for many years. You are all so quick to judge that it means either of us want to get back together. We have communicated with each other we don't want to get back together or have feelings for each other, we both are moving on with other people. Honestly people can still be friends with their exes without getting attached to them again. They're not necessarily using each other as backup.

[Timshel]

Ok, but friends with an ex isn't the issue is it?

What information are you relaying about your relationship with ex that is causing potential suitors to throw in a towel?

[Gr8fuln2020]

Thank you everyone for your replies. To answer most of you, I still feel someone can be friends with their ex if they had gotten so close and known each other so well for many years. You are all so quick to judge that it means either of us want to get back together. We have communicated with each other we don't want to get back together or have feelings for each other, we both are moving on with other people. Honestly people can still be friends with their exes without getting attached to them again. They're not necessarily using each other as backup.

 

What you are saying is the OBVIOUS. Of course one can be friends with their exes, but not is not really the issue here. It's all about perception. Your potential suitors are reading something that drives them clear of you. It could also be based on their past experiences. Tell me, why or how is the subject even coming up?