BeeBee1741 Posted July 9, 2005 Posted July 9, 2005 It was about 3 months ago and I was 8 months pregnant, when i was laying in bed with my husband and his cell phone rang, so I went to answer it and when i did..they hung up. So I asked him who the hell it was. He said that it was the compnay that he drives for. I asked him why would they call his phone and not the company. He said that they probably made a mistake. I knew something was up. So i waited till the phone bill came and I started to look at it.I didnt find that number at all. But I did spot a number that wasnt familiar to me. It had an awful amount of talk time. So i dialed it. A female answered. I hung up.. I went further into the bill and realized how many times it was dialed and it was a lil too fishy for me. So then I went into detective mode and started to investigate. I found out where she lived worked her extension number and her email address... Now that I had all this info handy I decided to confront her. When I called her and questioned her about my husband and if she knew him, she said no that she didnt know him and that she didnt know who I was so she wasnt going to give me any info..l. So then I came home and asked him, who is this female, why do u have all this talk time with this number and what the hell is going on..He said that he didnt know who she was and he didnt have a clue what I was talking about. I asked him if he had nothing to hide to call the number and find out who it was. He said no!!! I called her back and she wouldnt answer her phone..He even said that he was going to sue the cell phone company for charging him for calls he didnt make. HAHAHAHA!! I fought with him for 2 days he wouldnt tell me a thing. On the 3rd day he gave up. He said that she was dating his friend. He called her 16 times and the talk time btwn all the calls were 1 and half hour. He says the only reason why he called her was to find out how the date went with his friend and about things. He tells me that he cant remember what else they talked about. Funny how, that same day she answered her phone and told me the same thing. I asked her if she knew that he was married and that I was pregnant with his 3rd child she said no..I asked him "If that is just a friend why doesnt she know that your married and that I'm pregnant"? He said that she knew and that she was lying.. Why would I beleive any of them...They lied from the beginning. I just gave birth and I want to leave him. Everyone says to let it go it was just phone calls. But I cant, I dont know what his intentions really were with her. I'm a great wife and mother...We've been together for 8 years. I helped raise his four children and I bared three... He apologizes and tries to buy me things so that I can forget about it. But, I cant. I live crying all the time.. I'm depressed and miserable.. I dont show it because I dont want my kids to suffer. I'm practically living a double life and I hate it.. I get told to pray and that everything will be fine. I tried everything.. But, somehow I'm still hurting and I want to leave..Whats next??
LucreziaBorgia Posted July 9, 2005 Posted July 9, 2005 Everyone says to let it go it was just phone calls. "Just" - Ha! Whatever. They went through some great lengths to cover their tracks - they lied n' denied and then had the nerve to gaslight you when they were busted. Something is going on, and I find it difficult to believe it stopped at the phone calls. What to do? It depends: do you want to stay married to him? If you don't and do not want to repair things with him then you will need to talk to a therapist to help you get through this, and a lawyer and set up separation/divorce/child support for yourself. If you do want to repair things, and work with him to get to a better place together a couple of things will have to happen. He will have to go NO CONTACT with this woman. None, nada, not even a 'hello, how are you'. Then, he will have to agree to some marriage counseling (and individual counseling for you - postnatal time can be horrible as it is and throwing an affair into the mix can be devastating) to help you both through this. That way you can uncover what it is that led to this, and see if there is anything salvageable for you two.
d'Arthez Posted July 9, 2005 Posted July 9, 2005 Calling is not cheating. But from the amounts of calls that were made, it is difficult to suspect anything but cheating occurred. 16 calls to find out how a date went? Highly unlikely. And the fact that they both told the same thing when confronted about the calls is suspicious in itself. If you call a girlfriend and talk to her 16 times, how high are the chances that you will remember exactly the same things? They are near zero. For two days he did not dare to admit to a thing - and only because of sheer pressure had to admit to things - 2 days he may have used to make up an alibi with said woman. But you don't have concrete proof that something more has happened. And that is what is holding you back from leaving the situation. Of course, he will be the first person to deny anything happened, regardless of the facts. Suspicions like these are not easily dispelled. Especially if you feel that he is buying you things, to convince you that nothing happened. Until you get definitive proof, your situation will be miserable. You will be checking the phone-bills to make certain that no one is called. On everything, so to make certain that nothing happens - but the doubts will remain. Of course that will have its effects on the children - they pick things up. Or you can prepare for leaving. Leaving is in no ways easy, and requires a lot of preparation. I can't advice you on that. Perhaps the best thing for the two of you as a couple would be counselling. But from the impression you offered us, it seems that it will be only effective in saving your marriage when the both of you attend.
RecordProducer Posted July 9, 2005 Posted July 9, 2005 He made a mistake. People make mistakes. Talking on the phone is not cheating. Thoughts about someone are not cheating. Some things remain locked forever in our minds. You can't expect perfection from anything - your spouse, your marriage, your life... Ask him if he has ever cheated on you and tell him that this is the only thing you want to know and it's very important for you to know. If he says NO and you trust him then your marriage is strong and not in danger. It's just secret phone calls. Whether it was about cyber sex or friendly talk, he needed an exhaust valve for some reason. Forgive him and don't look back! There is nothing to look at. The less you know the happier you are!
Marshbear Posted July 9, 2005 Posted July 9, 2005 Originally posted by RecordProducer He made a mistake. People make mistakes. Talking on the phone is not cheating. Thoughts about someone are not cheating. Some things remain locked forever in our minds. You can't expect perfection from anything - your spouse, your marriage, your life... Ask him if he has ever cheated on you and tell him that this is the only thing you want to know and it's very important for you to know. If he says NO and you trust him then your marriage is strong and not in danger. It's just secret phone calls. Whether it was about cyber sex or friendly talk, he needed an exhaust valve for some reason. Forgive him and don't look back! There is nothing to look at. The less you know the happier you are! I agree RP. I would try to forget this unless proof of an A surfaces. I think he knows you are onto him and if he wants to save his marriage he will do as you say. Don't take any bs from him and set the rules to get the trust back. He needs to be honest if there is any chance...
julyguest Posted July 10, 2005 Posted July 10, 2005 No way, 16 calls is too much. This crap about leave it behind...how could you ever trust again? Especially since they BOTH lied about the calls. If nothing was going on, why so much trouble to cover up. You can't trust him. PLus, this was just his cell phone records....who knows how many work, other calls and meetings took place. True, you may never have "physical" proof, but come on, the cell records and lies speak for themselves. Sorry. I don't want to see someone just accept being treated that way. I found out an ex cheated on me that way--the idiot didn;t know all the phone calls were customized billing.
nightskyreader Posted July 10, 2005 Posted July 10, 2005 Wow, I could be that guy. These are things I worried about in my infidelity, so ponder on these: 1. Check his cell phone records. DONE. You caught him. Since he failed to conceal the most obvious way to get tracked, he might have made further mistakes. Read on. 2. Email records. Can you get access to his email account? If not, you may want to consider installing a keylogger on his computer at home if you are technically savvy enough to do this. I can help you if you want. It will return to you his login name and password when he types them in. I went as far as to install a program that alerts me to keylogging activity on my computer, but he probably hasn't thought of this. 3. Credit card records and returned checks. Smart guys always pay for the hotel room and flowers with cash, but some don't. 4. Suspicious activity. Has he been working more or later than usual? Have you caught him in places he wouldn't normally be? Did he go to a work function recently yet none of his colleagues remember seeing him there? etc. 5. Change in his hygiene, grooming habits, or exercise? Cheaters tend to trim that beard they've worn for the last 5 years, start working out, lose weight, change their diets, wear a new cologne, etc. all for the new girlfriend. 6. Recent distance towards you. Emotional attachment to the new woman usually leads to emotional detachment from the old one. I guess this may be going overboard, but it sounds like you have already made up your mind about leaving. Maybe solidifing your case could give you more peace of mind when you are packing your bags. I think the guy is cheating, personally. I should know, I've done it.
Zaira Posted July 10, 2005 Posted July 10, 2005 A friend was dating her? What bullcr@p some men come up with.
Author BeeBee1741 Posted July 10, 2005 Author Posted July 10, 2005 I would like to take the time and thank everyone that replied and posted their opinions. I didnt think that I was going to get so much support and feed back. He got home from work and I was crying, he asked me what was wrong and so I told him...I tried some methods of asking him why...He just yells and says that he didnt do anything and that he is sorry for the phone calls and that was all there was. He says that he loves me and that he wouldnt just go and throw 8 years away for one night. He also says that he knows that I'm looking for revenge and thats not right because he didnt do anything wrong. Why would I look for revenge and what is the revenge if he did nothing wrong Help me understand!!!!
LucreziaBorgia Posted July 10, 2005 Posted July 10, 2005 You may want to back off the phone calls, and move in on the 'strengthening the relationship' angle. Let him know that you are confused, hurt and feel that you and he would benefit from marriage counseling - insist on it. If he balks, then let him know that this is something you two need to do - otherwise its divorce and child support. Then when you go to MC, bring up the phone calls and your fears in the session. If your H is lying to you, he won't be able to lie as easily to an objective third party who has seen this sort of thing a million times. Your counselor should be able to understand the deal and will help you two get through this. 1. I fought with him for 2 days he wouldnt tell me a thing. 2. On the 3rd day he gave up. He said that she was dating his friend. 3. He called her 16 times and the talk time btwn all the calls were 1 and half hour. 4. He says the only reason why he called her was to find out how the date went with his friend and about things. 5. He tells me that he cant remember what else they talked about. Funny how, that same day she answered her phone and told me the same thing. 1. People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. 2. If she were dating his friend, he would have told you this to begin with - not waited it out for two days and have to go through heated arguments to get to an 'innocent truth'. The first truth when admitting an affair is never the whole truth - in fact, it may only be a grain of truth wrapped in a lie. 3. Men generally do not call women they are 'just friends' with 16 times in one night - and then take great means to lie about it to their SO. 4. And why would he do that? And why would it require 16 phone calls? If this were really the case, why wouldn't he have told you this the very first time you asked, instead of argue and lie about it? 5. Um... right. He and this girl coordinated their stories. What are the odds that two people, between 16 phone calls would 'not remember' what they talked about - particularly since your boyfriend already told you it was about her dates with some other guy? Its a lie ABOUT a lie, hidden within denial. There is no doubt something is wrong with this picture. You don't know enough yet about it to know exactly what that is, and you still know little enough to allow him to continue gaslighting you about it. Marriage counseling or divorce. Period. Why so harsh? Because if you let this slide, whatever factors caused him to cause him to want to turn to this girl are still there. Marriage counseling will help you and he get to the bottom of why it is he put his marriage at risk for her in the first place.
Sal Paradise Posted July 10, 2005 Posted July 10, 2005 He's cheating there is no doubt about that. What to do next? Get more evidence to confront him with, he will probably be smart about it for a while till it cools down, but he will slip up. If you don't want to do that you could tell him since he is being dishonest and you know he is lying you're moving out. It will force him to come clean if he wants to stay married. Until he admits to it you will be stuck in this limbo and miserable. Once he admits to it you can either file for divorce or work on the marriage. DO NOT HOWEVER BELIEVE HIS BULL**** LIES.
Kat Posted July 10, 2005 Posted July 10, 2005 If he wouldn't do it in front of you and you were hurt by his actions then it is cheating as far as I am concerned
JAyJAy Posted July 15, 2005 Posted July 15, 2005 Is counceling and therapy the only thing that can get them help..What if she cant get to counceling or afford therapy, i mean she just had a baby, then what...where do they go from there???????? My sister went through the same thing and she didnt have the funds for therapy or counceling and she winded up leaving him. So we would never know if it would of worked out
westernxer Posted July 15, 2005 Posted July 15, 2005 Originally posted by BeeBee1741 He said that she was dating his friend. He called her 16 times and the talk time btwn all the calls were 1 and half hour. He says the only reason why he called her was to find out how the date went with his friend and about things. Why doesn't he just call his friend????
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